Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I want to be a cop, but my girlfriend parties all the time


I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 3 years now. I am 20 and my girlfriend is 18. From day 1 her friends have not liked me for no reason and have tried to break us up. They don't like me, and I don't like them. But her and I have only been able to see each other on weekends because of different schools and jobs. That is all we see each other and we have made it work. But lately we have been fighting because she wants to go out with them and drink and do stupid things. I know it is a thing younger people do now, because I was guilty of it too.

But I don’t trust her friends, and I know she gets pretty drunk off of 1 beer. Not to mention about all her friends are guys. I really don't like that. But she says I am controlling....I mean who wouldn't be right??? Who lets their girlfriend (who I only see once or twice a week anyway) go off and party with almost all guys???? That just seems morally wrong. Last time she did it she got in a vehicle with a drunk driver. I won’t party because I am seeking a job in law enforcement. I don’t want to date someone who wants to party.

We have been fine all these years but now she say she wants to be a "teen." And that I am holding her back. I look at it as I am being protective of her. Who lets their girlfriend party with guys, not hang out with me on weekends when we barely see each other anyway?? She at least gets to see her friends at school, before and after. She sees them in the hallways, at practice and at games. But she and I only see each other on the weekends. And now she wants to see them all week long and rarely see each other AND keep a relationship. I think she wants to do like the old phrase "have her cake, and eat it too." She just now started this phase.

So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to throw away all the good times and all the years just because of this, and she is going to be graduating. Should I stick it out a few months more, or break it off? Thanks for your help.

Dear Letter Writer,

Sometimes the answer to our questions could not be more clear, but we ignore all the signs because the solution makes us unhappy. I think you know what to do.

You are a young man with a plan. You’ve left high school behind. You’re done with the crazy partying and drinking. You’ve set goals for yourself. Goals that include law enforcement and busting people who do stupid things when they get drunk. People like your girlfriend.

She wants to be a teen because she is one. And, it must be said, a reckless one at that. But it’s not up to you to “let” her--or not--get drunk or party with the guys or have her cake and eat it too. Obviously her behavior drives you crazy, so I understand your desire to change it. In this respect, though, you have been controlling, no matter whether your motivation was her safety or your jealousy or a little bit of both.

So try to keep an eye on that impulse as you move forward into other relationships. With luck, you’ll soon date women whose lifestyles are more aligned with your own, who are more mature, and who don’t need to be dragged kicking and screaming into spending time with you.

I doubt that her graduation is going to be a quick fix for what ails your relationship. I'm sorry, but I think she’s telling you through her actions that you should move on.

Good luck to you.