Sunday, September 16, 2007

Cap'n Slappy weighs in on hooks

As some of you might recall from an earlier post, my stepmother, Faith, is a loyal fan of Cap'n Slappy, who founded International Talk Like a Pirate Day and writes his own extremely entertaining advice column. Well, when Faith read the question I answered about the hook, she just knew the Cap'n would have an opinion, so she passed on the question, and my reply, to him. See what he has to say! When you get there, scroll down a ways...or just read the whole column.

What do you call a man who has oral sex with another man?

Dear HTT,

I've had this question forever. I'm a practicing hetero male in the Triangle. I'm wondering if a male receives oral sex from another male, does that make him gay? In light of the current revelations about the Senator from Idaho who claims he's not gay, but nonetheless has taken part in some less than straight illegal behavior, and who claims not to be gay, would I be gay, had I engaged in such behavior.

Keep up the good work,

Your fan in Triangle

Dear Zorro,

I don’t think that having oral sex with a man necessarily means that Sen. Craig, or anyone else for that matter, is gay. But he sure isn’t straight, either.

Labels are so limiting, aren’t they? I buy into Kinsey’s theory of sexuality. He said

Males [and he came to feel this way about women, too, eventually] do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.

While emphasizing the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history... An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life.... A seven-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist.
  • 0--Exclusively heterosexual
  • 1--Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
  • 2--Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
  • 3--Equally heterosexual and homosexual
  • 4--Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
  • 5--Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
  • 6--Exclusively homosexual
  • X--Asexual
Notice that once this business came to light, Craig said, “I am not now, and never have been, gay.” O.K., right, but my guess is he’s not a zero, although I don’t know where exactly he falls on the scale. And I wouldn't care, either, if he weren't such a hypocrite.

I mean, please. He voted to deny gay men and lesbians the right to marry, claiming that the "sanctity of marriage" could be upheld only between a woman and a man, and all the while he's trying to cheat on his wife and hook up in a public bathroom? Yeesh.

Thanks for the question and for being such a loyal reader!