HTT, I'm fit to be tied!

Dear HTT,

I'm sick of people equating thin with fit! Just because you're a size 4 does not mean you are a triathlete! It means your measurements are such that a size 4 fits you.

I am far from a size 4, but that doesn't mean that I'm not fit. I would pit myself against many punier gals in an arm wrestling challenge, a long uphill hike, or a 20-lap free-style swim race.

But, when a man says he is looking for a "fit" "fun" date on one of those online dating sites -- he doesn't mean my brand of "fit". He means size 4 -- and he's imagining some less ummmm rotund "fun".

How in the world do us fuller-figured gals compete in this thin-centric world?

Not Size 4 in NC



Dear Not a Size 4 (NS4),

Let me be blunt, NS4. If your potential date were really concerned about your “fitness,” he’d bring a blood pressure cuff to y’all’s first meeting at Starbucks.

Actually, according to the Mayo Clinic’s web site, you need the following tools to assess your fitness levels:

• A stopwatch
• A cloth measuring tape
• A yardstick
• Heavy-duty tape
• Someone to assist you with a flexibility test

Granted, it would be extremely creepy if a guy pulled out this bag of tricks mid-latte. And any first-date offers to test my flexibility are likely to be met with a frown and a raised eyebrow. Unless he’s cute and funny, wears cool glasses, and has an above-average vocabulary (a foreign accent couldn’t hurt).

So that’s just silly. But the point is that size (or BMI) is just one of the four fitness tests, the others being aerobic fitness, muscular strength, and flexibility. And I personally have never had a potential date ask me about my pulse or the number of push-ups I’m able to do. What this all comes down to is that yes, I believe you are correct in assuming that when a man says he’s looking for a “fit” woman, he probably means “thin.” Or trim, or petite, or shapely, or height/weight proportionate…you get the picture.

So why do people use the word “fit,” when plenty of other adjectives are more accurate? I think they fear that they sound shallow for being driven by aesthetics. And I used to think they were shallow. But here’s the thing (oh, I love when I can throw that around!), we like what we like. I like what I like. I’m not sure that we can drastically change what we’re attracted to. To an extent, our attractions are shaped by society, and the media, and our upbringing, and our culture, but even if attraction isn’t written into our DNA, it’s pretty hard to buck all that other stuff that shapes our desires.

As a big gal myself, I’ve often wished I were born into a time when the beauty standard leaned a little bit more in my direction. Maybe the pendulum will swing closer to us one of these days. But, in the meantime, how do you compete with your size 4 sisters? Honestly? You don’t. Why beat your head against the wall? If you’re going to try on-line dating, search for the guys who aren’t looking for someone “fit,” no matter how many people you can take in an arm wrestling contest. Look for the men who like a beautiful, active, full-bodied woman! They might make up a smaller slice of the pie, but it's a slice all the same.

Good luck, NS4.

HTT

HTT: Do I tell my friend that her head looks like an eggplant?

Dear HTT,

Several months ago, after complaining for years about not liking her hair, a friend of mine got a drastic new hair-do. She had many inches cut off and she colored it with a shade that sported odd undertones. Really, when the sun hit it at just the right angle, it gave off an eggplanty glow. She came to my house straight from the salon looking for affirmation and support. And I gave it to her. As much as I hated her new look, I just didn’t want to crush her when clearly she wasn’t feeling great about it herself. (She’s had a lot of real trouble of late and bad hair was the last thing she needed.) So, I might have gone overboard. Instead of saying something like, “Well, it’s not bad” or “The change is kind of overwhelming but I’m sure I’ll get used to it,” I practically raved.

So now after about four months, her hair has grown out some and the color has faded enough that she no longer has an aura around her head. But she’s making plans to go back to the same salon and ask for a repeat! What should I do? I really think the look wasn’t very flattering, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. And I feel a little responsible since I praised it so highly the first time. Am I going to hell for my big white lie? Should I fess up? Or is it possible she really likes the hair do, and does that mean I should just keep my mouth shut?

A hairy problem


Dear Hairy Problem,

First, I don’t really believe in hell, so no, I don’t think you’re headed there. But let me pretend, for a second, that I am worried about eternal damnation, and maybe I should be! Even then I can’t help but feel that the intention of your white lie---to keep from hurting your friend’s feelings---will get you off the hook and out of the handbasket.

But I doubt a theological discussion was really what you were after, so let’s move on to an issue about which I have much more authority: hair and all its related problems. I, myself, have suffered for years with a hair inferiority complex. Mine is big and unruly. It’s rarely professional and often looks as if I’ve just ended a 200-mile road trip taken at full speed with the windows down. It cannot be forced into any hip, kicky style. As often as not I pull my hair back into a ponytail, which is not exactly the height of fashion but which keeps its frizzy curls out of my way. My bathroom cabinet is, at this very moment, overflowing with potions, lotions, waxes, salves, serums, gels, mousses, sprays, putties, infusions, moisturizers, and balms that I’ve used in millions of combinations in an attempt to achieve good hair.

So I can empathize with your friend’s frustration over the hair status quo and I can see why went she for broke with a brand new do. I applaud her for trying something radical. And you for not hurting her feelings. You did what you thought was right in the moment. But now I think your chance to tell her you don’t like her hair has passed. After all, no matter how much she needed your encouragement at first, it sounds like she’s grown to like her hair style. Maybe she enjoys the attention that a purple aura attracts.

On the other hand, if she’s less decisive than I’m imagining, if she’s hemming and hawing, if she flat out asks you what you think, be gentle but honest. Apologize for misleading her last time. I think she’ll understand.

Good luck!
HTT

Sexing it up

Well, that might get someone's attention.

So, most of you know that I'm an editor and writer. And not just of this column, I mean. (Good thing I have an actual job, because HTT does not, as of yet, pay the bills.) Today, I was working on a short piece about a service my organization offers to researchers who study infectious diseases like TB, malaria, dengue fever, and others. This service essentially involves training scientists in developing countries how to conduct research according to various international standards. (Turns out international standards-setters are picky about the conduct of research.) We teach them things like biostatistics, good clinical practice, scientific writing, data management, and protocol development. I think this is interesting work. I've even participated in some of these trainings, and had the opportunity to travel as a result, so I'm all for it. All this is to say that I'm not minimizing the importance of this service.

However, when I turned in my draft, someone asked me to "sex it up" a little bit. Um....o.k....sex it up. Right. Let me give you a picture of what this training actually looks like. It looks like a couple of people giving PowerPoint presentations while a bunch of others watch and take notes. It looks like people hunched over manuscripts for hours. At its sexiest, it looks like someone walking around a lab with a clipboard. Hot!

So, I'm not sure how to revise my piece based on this suggestion, but it did give me a chuckle anyway.

HTT, can pirate advice help land-lubbers?

Before I answer my next question, I need to provide a little background. I’m not quite sure how, but my step-mother, Faith, began correspondence several years ago with a fellow named Cap’n Slappy, who founded Talk Like a Pirate Day (www.talklikeapirate.com). If you’re even mildly dubious about the whole pirate thing, and I hope you’re not, you should know that the Cap’n has received all kinds of coverage, including mention in Dave Barry’s blog. And the Glasgow Daily Record. And the Sacramento Bee. (Press coverage of Here’s the Thing
to date…mmmm…zero.) This pirate business is hot stuff! I’m ready to buy an eye patch and learn the Talk Like a Pirate theme song.

At any rate, to help me publicize my new advice column, Faith wrote to the Cap’n, who gives sage advice of the pirate variety to his readers. Not only was Cap’n Slappy kind enough to allow this cross-promotion, but he also submitted the following question.

Dear HTT,

Okay, here’s the thing! I’m a pirate-themed advice columnist whose advice can typically be described as “misguided” at best and “legally indefensible” at worst. For example, it is my firm belief that most of Life’s little dilemmas can be resolved if one drinks enough rum and/or finds someone worthy and administers a savage beating with one’s fists and forehead. Common sense stuff for a pirate, really!

Still, I can’t help but wonder …

Am I really helping? Sure, my sponsor, Captain Morgan’s Rum is keen on my “Jigger a day” campaign. And I just received an honorary doctorate from the Center for Advanced Studies of Pre-Frontal Blunt-Force Impact Head Injuries – but even so, I can’t escape the nagging feeling that I’m simply perpetuating a stereotype of a much misunderstood cultural sub-set.

Also, your step-mum pimped your site pretty hard in my column – and because I have nothing but respect for her – I let her! Do you think the other pirates will think I’ve gone soft? And how many savage beatings with my fists and forehead do you think it will take to remedy that perception?

Just call me Cap’n Slappy,

Cap’n Slappy
www.talklikeapirate.com
P.S. We sell our book from our web site – it’s very funny and everyone should buy at least twelve copies.


Dear Cap’n Slappy,

First, it’s an honor to receive a letter from someone as experienced in advice-giving as you. Second, I would like to express my gratitude for allowing Faith to pimp my column on your site and for your kind words about my nascent avocation.

I fear that our approach to advising is so different that I’m not qualified to comment on rum and beatings (at least not in a public forum that my mother and several coworkers have been known to visit). However, I would like to address the broader question you asked, which is if you [or any advice columnist] can really help your readers.

I’ve actually mulled this over quite a bit. Where do I get the nerve offering advice to anyone? I’m not exactly issue-free myself, and I’ve often felt that I could benefit from my own personal advice columnist to help navigate my relationships and moral dilemmas. (Pirates are supposed to be good at navigation, no?)

But I’ve decided that the advice we give is really only half the point. I believe that the very act of writing the letter gets advice seekers to think about their problems in a new light. Putting words to paper and making ourselves understood by others demands a certain focus, a certain remove from the emotional tangle our problems become in our head.

But here’s where the advice columnists’ half of the equation comes in. Everyone wants to be heard. And sometimes it helps to be heard by someone who doesn’t already have a dog in the fight. (O.K., so all my questions thus far have come from friends, but still.) You know that exercise that therapists recommend…the one about writing letters to express your feelings, and then trashing these blistering missives instead of sending them to the person who caused you all the angst in the first place? No offense intended to any therapists out there, but I’ve never gotten ANY satisfaction out of that activity. I want someone to recognize that I’m hurt or to feel bad that my problem is waking me up at 3:00 a.m. And it would be nice, too, if that person actively thought about my problem for a few minutes, offered some sympathy, expressed an opinion, and then asked a few pointed questions to get me thinking about my own solutions.

Whether I agree with the opinion isn’t of utmost importance. Either way, I’ve purged, I’ve been heard, and maybe I can more clearly see some options for a way forward.

So, the person purged to doesn’t have to have all the answers, and neither do you or I (thank God). The best we can do is make an honest effort to address a reader’s concern and offer a well-considered opinion, but of course our own experiences—be it success with rum in your case or a penchant for talking things out in mine—will color our reply. What people do with the advice is up to them. To get to the crux of your question—are you
helping?—probably, in some fashion, or people wouldn’t keep reading. Personally, at this early stage of my column, I’d be happy just to amuse and do no harm.

Best wishes, matey.
HTT

HTT, what's in a name?

Dear HTT,

I'm pregnant with my second child, and if it's a girl, my mother wants my husband and I to name the baby after her. The back-story is that my parents are from Greece and very traditional, and of course expect us to follow their long-lived Greek naming traditions. Now I'm all for preserving my heritage, which my parents consider to be under siege, and there are a number of Greek names that I love. But not my mother's.

Her name is Hariklia. The English pronunciation sounds like a cross between Hercules and Caligula. The Greek pronunciation is no better -- it sounds like you're trying to dislodge a Kalamata olive pit from your throat. Here's a testimony to its unpronouncability --- my mother came to live in North Carolina in 1968 and ever since she's been called Harriet. I know old lady names are in vogue these days, but I'll believe a Harriet comeback after I see Hortense top the charts first.

My parents have also alluded to cutting off our inheritance if we don't take their names. They once said to my brother, who had two girls and for better or worse chose to ignore their plea: "Ah, you do not like our names for your children, then maybe we do not like your names in our will." Given that I'm a lowly non-profit liege and my husband a seemingly interminable grad student, we don't want that to happen -- assuming we get more than a trunk of doilies, a statue of Aphrodite, and a rusty automatic lamb spit, that is.

Other than praying to the gods for a boy (thankfully my father's name is Nickolas), what do I do?

Nominally Challenged in North Carolina


Dear NC in NC,

I feel strongly that as parents, your first obligation is to do your best to ensure that your kid won’t get pounded on the playground. Or, at the very least, that she won’t be unintentionally showered with saliva by people who are trying in earnest to pronounce Hariklia. Your child is going to be saddled with whatever name you bestow upon her for her entire life. Or at least until she turns 18 and changes it to Hortense just to tick you off.

I respect your desire to honor your parents and preserve your heritage. I wish there had been a bit more of that in my family. My only connection to my German heritage is a love of bratwurst and a preference for saying "Gesundheit" over "God bless you." But I don’t wish my parents had named me Brunhild, which is German for "armored warrior woman." Or even that they’d named me Shirley, which was the name of my grandmother, whom I loved more than almost anyone else in the entire world. Not even to honor her would I want that name to be my own. (Sorry to any of you Shirleys out there.)

Now this is all very easy for me to say, I realize, because Hariklia isn’t my mother and I don’t have any children. And I don’t know what kind of inheritance we’re talking about. For the sake of family harmony and your chance to own a lamb spit, could you satisfy your mother by using Hariklia as your daughter’s middle name? Remind her that she's been called Harriet for the last 40 years because no one could pronounce Hariklia. The name "Harriet" doesn’t do much to trumpet anyone’s Greekness, does it?

I think you need to stand firm on this, NCNC. Or pray for a boy.

Good luck!
HTT

HTT, you're driving me crazy!

Dear HTT,

Ever since I found out you named your column "Here’s the thing…" I’ve noticed that I use that phrase all the time! I can’t figure out whether I’ve always said it and just never paid attention, or if I’ve just picked it up. In either case, it's starting to make me a little crazy. I’m a teacher, so I do a fair amount of public speaking, and I’m getting self-conscious about how often I start an explanation with "well, here’s the thing." How can I either stop using the phrase or stop obsessing over it?

HTT squared


Dear HTT squared,

I should recuse myself from answering this question, because I’m not an impartial observer. But you wrote to me, so I’ll try to tackle it.

Before I address your mental health, though, I do want to say this: does your quandary not prove the genius of the phrase as a title for my column? (I didn’t come up with it, so I’m not being completely immodest.) It’s working on a subliminal level, whether you’re using the phrase more than ever or merely noticing something you’ve said all along.

And you want my advice on how to stop saying it? Oy, what a conflict of interest! Does McDonald's want you to forget "two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun"? I think not. I mean, I’m pretty certain Mickey D's hasn’t used that campaign in years, and the phrase still rolls off my tongue as easily as my social security number.

I’m sorry you feel self-conscious about how often you say "here’s the thing." Don’t you think the first few people to say "iPod" felt a little silly? It’s goofy-sounding when you get right down to it. But now it’s used so frequently, that it’s practically generic, like Band-Aid. (I hope no one from Apple is reading this.) Point being, maybe someday it will be cool to say "here’s the thing"! People will give a knowing wink when they say it; there’ll be T-shirts and bumper stickers; I’ll have television ads with a hip music soundtrack.

O.k., maybe not. In fact, I suspect I have a readership of three or four, so it’s unlikely that anyone you lecture to is going to give a knowing wink when you say "here’s the thing." You’re probably the only one who notices that you say it frequently. If you can remember that, will you feel less awkward about it? I hope so, because while I’d like the phrase to be memorable, I don’t want it to drive you to the brink.

Best wishes,
HTT

HTT, my friend is scaring off my dates!

Dear HTT,

I have a friend (who’s newly married) who seems to get in the way of my dating prospects. For example, a co-worker of hers twice told her that he thought I was cute and she told him (and told me later) that I was too old for him.

More recently, I went out with a group of friends including a guy friend of hers that had previously expressed interest in me. He and I had a great time--dancing and laughing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. A few days later, my friend calls me and tells me that she went to visit this guy at work and they talked about the weekend. She relayed the information that this guy likes me but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I never got the impression that these two were close friends, so I'm surprised at the level of detail she went into. She went on to further discourage me by saying he has many other women interested in him and that I "shouldn't chase men."

I am so angry that she had this conversation with him (not to mention the hurtful comments she made to me). So my question is, do I confront her about getting in the middle? Or do nothing and just beware, since she obviously has personal issues that I can't control? I'm afraid that if there is any possibility that this guy and I might date--now or in the future--she will kill it. (Granted, if this guy decided to communicate through her rather than with me directly, that would be another issue. But that remains to be seen.)

Also, there is a chance I'm going to run into this guy this weekend (without her around). Is there a subtle way I can let him know that I don't want to communicate with him through our mutual friend, but would like to stay in touch?
*******************

Your letter got me riled up. Where does this woman get off telling someone you’re too old? And, what in the world---you shouldn’t “chase men”? What is this, Desperate Housewives? “Man chaser” is to “someone who dates” as “unpatriotic” is to “someone who disagrees with the war.”

Working up a good head of steam wasn’t helping me get any clarity on your problem, though, so I made all kinds of flow charts and decision trees in an attempt to sort this out. They were messy and ultimately not very useful. But amid the chicken scratch, one question kept popping up: How good a friend is this?

I was tempted to answer the question myself with a snippy “not very.” But it’s naive to pretend that even good friends can’t be clueless or hurtful once in a while. And if this woman isn’t a best buddy, she might still be someone with whom you’d like to remain friends on some level.

If so, I think you should confront her. Well “confront” may be too confrontational. Ha. Talk to her. I think the whole guy/dating aspect carries too much charge, so rather than accusing her of manipulating your love life, consider emphasizing how her comments have hurt your feelings. This brings the conversation out of the “man chasing” realm, which she obviously has some sort of issue with, and makes it more personal. Can you do that? Make it less about the guys and more about the friendship?

On the other hand, if you’re so fed up with her that future friendship is out of the cards, if you suspect she’s more malicious than clueless, I’d just let it drop. And try to keep your dating life as separate from her as possible. (Probably not a bad thing to do in either scenario.)

Along those lines, if you run into the guy this weekend, do you really have to be all that subtle about your interest? Now, mind you, I’m not often one to go out on a limb in this kind of situation, unfortunately. But in your case, the risk seems low. You’ve already got pretty strong evidence that he likes you, even if it’s not in a long-term-relationship kind of way at this point. Can you say, “Hey, I’d like to keep in touch. Here’s my email/phone number so you don’t have to go though our mutual friend anymore”?

Let me know how it turns out.

HTT