HTT, I'm terrified of dancing, but my girlfriend loves to!

Dear HTT,

I live in Nevada and my gf lives in California. We met doing a mutual sport, because it requires me to go down to Cali quite often in the summer. We’ve now been dating for about 6 months and it’s been really hard. I haven’t seen her in 2 months, but we talk on the phone every day for several hours. I never thought I would get into a long-distance relationship, and I even delayed asking this girl out for 3 years, but I just like her so much I couldn't stand not being with her.

Now I have an opportunity to go see her in about 3 weeks and I’m so excited. The only problem is the weekend I can go see her is also the weekend of one of her school dances. She absolutely loves to dance, and really wants to have fun this year, because last year her date didn’t dance at all, so she kinda ditched him. So now I have this great opportunity to see her but...... I CANNOT and DO NOT like to dance...it’s my weakness. I just get on the dance floor and my whole body freezes.

Now, my gf and I were discussing my trip down there, and she asked me if I really wanted to go. I decided not to lie...I told her I didn’t want to go to the dance but will just so I can see her. Then she asked me if I was going to dance at all. I said I would do all the slow dances with her, but she didn’t seem too happy with that answer. Then she asked me if I would get mad at her if she danced with other guys while I was there. I didn’t even answer this question, because what am I supposed to say?? Yes, I would get kinda mad, but I want her to have fun.

So what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to drag her down…but I would get kinda mad, especially since most of her guy friends have crushes on her. Now, I know the obvious answer is…just go and dance with her. I can’t dance though and feel really uncomfortable every time I try. Also, I don’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends because her lame bf won’t and can’t dance, but I also don’t want her to break up with me for not dancing with her. I don’t know what to do, but I really, really like this girl, more than I have anyone else.

In need of your help,

Dance Disaster



Dear DD,

Well, bless your heart! This is quite a dilemma. Your gal seems intent on going to this dance. And it sounds like visiting her some other weekend isn’t an option. So, even though you say you’re a horrible dancer, I think this is still your opportunity to shine. Not by trying to pull some fancy moves, but by being game enough to go and risk looking just a little goofy to spend time with your girl.

Did you happen to see “Hitch” by any chance? With Will Smith and Kevin James? James’ character has a crush on a woman who invites him to go dancing. Unlike you, he thinks he’s got some pretty impressive dance moves, but they’re actually quite awful. You know the kind...big 80s moves that bring to mind MC Hammer, robots, and the white man’s overbite. Will Smith tutors him on some classier, low-key steps that won’t wow anyone but won’t call attention to themselves either. (In the movie, James’ gal finds his horrible dancing endearing, because it makes her look like a better dancer. In reality, I think this is a risky strategy, so I can’t recommend it.)

Have you actually watched many people dance? Like, real people, not professional dancers in music videos? Have you really looked around at ALL the people on a dance floor, not just the ones who actually know what they’re doing? Most people aren’t great dancers. Especially guys! Mostly, people just kind of step back and forth and bob their heads to the beat. Do you have any friends who can help you in the manner that Will Smith helped Kevin James? You’re not going to become a candidate for “Dancing with the Stars” in the next couple of weeks, but if you just practice some simple movements, you might feel a little more comfortable.

This is what I think you need to do. Go to the dance. If you’re old enough to drink and won’t have to drive, have one or two beers. (Drinking doesn’t improve your dancing, per se, but it relaxes your inhibitions about it. But no more than one or two! You don’t want to get wasted and lose so many inhibitions that you make an ass out of yourself!) Dance the slow dances, as you suggested you would. That was a brilliant idea, because slow dancing means little more than hugging and shuffling. And then work up the courage to go out there for some of the faster songs. Keep smiling so you don’t look panicked. Don’t try anything fancy and the worst thing people could accuse you of is being an uninspired dancer, but not an embarrassment. Don’t feel obligated to dance every dance. Take some breaks when you’ve had enough, and encourage your girlfriend to dance with her friends. You’ll impress her with your lack of jealousy (even if you feel jealous, you don’t have to show it).

If she has any sense at all, she’ll realize what a good guy you are and be grateful that you overcame your dancing phobia because you wanted to spend time with her, doing something that she loves.

Good luck, and if you get a chance, let me know how things turn out.

HTT

HTT, it's a bitter pill to swallow

Dear HTT,

My boyfriend's parents make a living selling nutritional supplements. Naturally, the family takes these daily supplements and swears by them.

Several months ago, I got a bug and was sick for about a week. My boyfriend sent me some of these supplements to help me get healthy and stay healthy. I thought it was sweet so I took them. For a little while.

I don't like to take vitamins or herbal remedies or anything. It's not that I think they don't work or are harmful or bad in any way. I simply don't want another product added to my daily routine. Basically, if it doesn't prevent pregnancy, pain, or severe misery, then I don't want to take it. I'm healthy and I feel like I get what I need from the food I eat.

So some time passed and my boyfriend gave me a four-month supply of this supplement. I tried to playfully decline it ("Aw, do I have to take my medicine? ... I know this is expensive--you don't have to give me this.") But he insisted and now I don't know what to do.

I feel bad pretending to take it. I feel bad wasting it. I feel bad lying that I'm taking it. (When I last visited his parents, his mother asked me if I were still taking it.) But I do not want to take it. What do I do? Is there a way to tell him I'm not taking it? Or do I continue the charade to avoid offending anyone?

Signed,
No pills


Dear No Pills,

I'm with you. Every once in a while, I make a resolution to take vitamins. I drop a ton of money at Whole Foods or GNC or Vitamin World, and then dutifully take a handful of pills that make me a little nauseous, turn my pee bright yellow, and supposedly ensure that I'll live to be 100. I keep this up for two weeks at most, and then the various amber-colored pill bottles get pushed to the back of the cabinet, only to get tossed years later.

At first I thought it would be easiest to just lie about it. It’s a little white lie, so not very bad in the big scheme of things. Perhaps these pills could be treated like the gaudy holiday sweater Aunt Sadie might have been given you at some point in your life and that you only wear when she’s around. But telling a little fib to spare the feelings of Aunt Sadie, whom you only see twice a year, is a little different than carrying on an on-going charade with your boyfriend and his family.

You say that you already feel badly about pretending and about wasting the supplements, and you’d just feel worse over time. So I think you need to tell your boyfriend what you’ve told me. Assure him that don’t have anything against the supplements, but you’re just not good at adhering to a vitamin-taking regimen, and you’re afraid the pills will go to waste in a dark corner of your cabinet.

If you and your beau are in it for the long haul, this is likely to be just one of many differences between you that you’ll have to negotiate. No time like the present for practicing these sorts of discussions. Easy for me to say, I know. But give him a chance take this news well, to accept you for the healthy, non-vitamin-taking person you are.

Good luck!
HTT

Happy New Year!

Well, dear family, friends, and other readers, 2007's on its way out. Soon, I'm off to doll up for a fete and put on my fancy party shoes. I hope 2008 brings you peace and great happiness. Thanks for supporting me in this advice column venture of mine!

Did I disclose my feelings too soon?

Dear HTT,

A couple of weeks ago, a woman named L started working in the same department I work in. We've had some friendly conversations, have found several points of common interest, and seemed to get along well. I found out she had a boyfriend, but in our conversations she never referenced him, which I notice women tend to do when they want to let you know they're not available. The only reference came last week when she mentioned she had "been dating this guy, but he's an a$$," so they split up. She came back to work after her shift last week to go over some things (this is when she mentioned splitting up), then invited me to meet her and some friends out for drinks. I joined them, and had a nice time, and was invited by L's friend to attend a party the following night. I showed up the next night, had a great time, got to hang with L and meet more of her friends, and generally enjoyed myself. As I was saying goodbyes at the end of the night, L gave me a noticeably full hug, and told me she was glad to have a work-friend. I asked her (our arms still around each other) if I should then NOT have a crush on her, because "I can be your work friend, but I could also easily crush on you." L told me she was a wait-and-see person, and we smiled and said good night.

So, did I just give her too much info? Would it have been better to have just kept it to myself and wait-and-see? There are all these things that would be great about dating her, but then again, I work with her! I've always been one to think (and observe) that work relationships are bad news. Also, I'm in the midst of a time in my life when I question whether I should even BE dating! I'm letting the issue rest there unless she brings it up. I get along really well with just about everyone I work with, and L is no exception. As far as the crushing, I can keep it pretty compartmentalized... That is, if I don't have a few cocktails in me, which won't be an issue at work.

Was it OK to let her know? I wanted to put it out there so she could know where she stands, I guess: if she keeps inviting me out and giving me full body hugs, she's gonna' fan the flames. If she just keeps the friendship relegated to work and sees that I'm not stalker-material, she can be comfortable knowing that we can be friends, and a crush is often just a crush...

Signed,

Don't Want To Creep Her Out


Dear Don’t Want to be Creepy,

I might not have confessed my feelings so early in the relationship, but then again, I’m a bit of a chicken in these matters. (See my description of toe-dipping.) I rather envy you your chutzpuh. You handled your disclosure exceedingly well: you were sweet and light-hearted about it, and you seem to be going into this with the right attitude. That is, you’re not love-sick and moony but rather a bit more devil-may-care. If I were this girl, I’d be flattered and, even if I didn’t share your feelings, I wouldn’t be at all creeped out by you. As long as you are true to your word and don’t start stalking her or acting mopey at work if your feelings aren’t reciprocated.

It’s been a few weeks since you wrote—sorry, I’m still in slacker mode—and I’m curious how things have progressed. From your description of events, it’s hard to tell whether she was behaving in a friendly or flirty manner, although, personally, I don’t tend to give long, full-body hugs to my guy pals. Especially not guys I work with. So, if you’ve read her wrong, I wouldn’t take it too hard or start to question your own judgment.

If you get a chance, let me know where things stand.

Happy New Year!
HTT

My friend suggested I was smelly!

Dear HTT,

A friend just called to arrange to carpool to a clothes swap tomorrow. She closed by making sure I wasn't planning to go running right beforehand, since she doesn't want to try on clothes someone sweaty has tried on first. I didn't know what to say, so I said I, uh, planned on being clean. Then I hung up and started fuming.

How does one interpret a comment like that? The obvious choices are:

(1) You're always running and you smell; or
(2) You're too dumb to know that you should shower before trying on clothes, so I'm just letting you know.

A reasonable third option might be,
(3) I have an aversion to sweat, and that time I dragged you to the thrift store right after you went running, even though you pointed
out you were all sweaty, actually really grossed me out, but I didn't know how to tell you then, so I've saved that thought for three months and am letting you know indirectly now.

This is a friend who prides herself being "direct" about verbalizing
what she wants.

How does one respond to a comment like that? And how does one explain to an adult that there's a difference between being direct and being tactless? I have enough baggage with this friend already that it's hard to imagine discussing this without pulling out all her dirty socks. So I'd also appreciate advice on how to stay focused on the insult-at-hand rather than generating some new ones.

--Fuming But Not Smelly

P.S. If she ever discovers your website, she's gonna be pissed...


Dear Fuming,

I think the best response would have been something quick and sharp like, “Actually, I was planning to eat a head of raw garlic, run a few miles, and smoke a fat cigar before we went to try on clothes together. Duh.”

You have to consider the source of this comment. She obviously lacks tact, but since I’m feeling charitable, I’ll suggest that she’s probably not aware of how rude she comes across. Perhaps a tart response would jerk her back to the reality of how she sounds to others.

Once, I strutted into work, proud of an electric-blue faux leather jacket I’d found over the weekend. One of my friends gawked at it and declared, “My, you do love a gaudy accessory, don’t you?” I just burst out laughing and thanked my lucky stars that, unlike her, my entire wardrobe didn’t come from the old-lady rack at Talbots!

So, I guess if I were you, I’d just shrug it off, unless these sorts of comments start coming more frequently. If she continues in this manner, the next time she offends you, calmly point it out to her. (You know, use “I” statements and all that jazz.) Try not to pull out every example you have tucked away. But one or two might be helpful to show that your anger is caused by a pattern of rude behavior and isn’t just a factor of you being overly sensitive.


Good luck, thanks for writing, and sorry for the very late response!

HTT

Swamped

Wow, I knew I'd neglecting my blog, but now I realize just how much: I couldn't remember my password when I tried to log in just now! I've been traveling (to Florida for fun and to Arlington for work), the holiday season and all related errand running and festivities are underway, and I've just been super busy. So, my apologies to all the friends and other readers who've sent me questions over the past few weeks. I really, really appreciate them (and you!), and I promise to get to them all soon.

My daughter's friend's mom hates my kid; what should she do?

My 17-year-old daughter has a friend whose mother hates her (my daughter). According to my daughter, it is because she sat on a pool table at their home 4 years ago. My daughter weighed about 95 lbs. at the time. I am sure there had to be some other incidents where my daughter irritated this woman. She reads her daughter's emails and I would guess at sometime my daughter wrote something that gave this mom the wrong idea. This mom has a reputation for having a bad temper and getting so angry every profanity you can imagine comes out.

There have been several incidents of this kind in the past. This anger was aimed at all of the girls. However the grudge she holds is only against my daughter. After the pool table incident I told my daughter not to go to their home anymore and she says she has stayed away.

This problem reared its head again: My daughter and her friend are part of a group of about 12 girls. They all go to the same high school. Her friend is pregnant, and the group wants to give the girl a baby shower, which would include all moms.

My daughter says she is uncomfortable being around this woman since she has this grudge against her. This woman actually said she would not go if my daughter were there unless she had changed.

My daughter plans to make sure she works that evening so she can avoid going. I think that is probably a wise thing to do as I would not want there to be another incident.

Any thoughts?

**********************

I’ve been a 17-year-old daughter, and even though I was a pretty good kid, there were times my parents didn’t quite get the whole story. Oh, I told few outright lies. I thought then, and often still do, that my mother could read my mind. So lying seemed pointless and, frankly, less smart than either telling the truth or avoiding anything lie-worthy in the first place. But I might have left out a few choice details now and again.

Like me, maybe your daughter hasn’t told you everything. You seem to accept that there’s probably more to this woman’s ire than the pool table incident of four years ago. I don’t mean to suggest that your daughter is a bad egg, but it’s always possible that her friend’s mom has some legitimate reason for being displeased with your daughter.

However, even if she does, she’s certainly not behaving like the adult in this story. Yelling and cursing and holding grudges and “hating” a 17-year-old girl? Yikes. No, if your daughter committed some serious transgression, the mother should have called you or, at the very least, calmly asked your daughter not to return to their home.

If I were a mom, I might be tempted to go all mama-bear and defend my kid from this woman, who sounds unstable and immature. However, even in my advanced years, I can remember being your daughter’s age, and I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t have wanted my mother to intervene. I think your daughter’s plan to avoid her friend’s mom is probably a good one. It’s too bad that she’ll miss the shower, but at 17, she just doesn’t have any negotiating power in that antagonistic relationship.

Your daughter might be completely blameless. But consider asking her to take a mental inventory of her behavior and honestly assess whether she did anything that would make even a more mild-tempered parent see red. (Emphasis on mental inventory in order for there to be honest assessment.) No matter what, there’s still no excuse for the way her friend’s mom has handled the situation, but your daughter might have to admit to herself that she shares some responsibility for this rift.

Thanks for writing,
HTT

HTT, our friends are screwing up and we can't stand to watch any more!

Dear HTT,

Do you have any suggestions to help us deal with the
guilt of having to end a friendship?

My husband and I started hanging out with another
couple of similar age and interests about two years
ago. At first we really liked them, but over the last
18 months we’ve stood by and watched them make one bad
decision after another and right now their lives are a
mess. We respect their right to make decisions for
themselves, but can no longer stand by and watch, so
we are trying to remove ourselves from the situation.
It has been difficult.

The problems started when they decided to move to what
they consider a more desirable area. All they could
afford is a lot in the worst neighborhood, and they
thought they’d save even more money by building a 650
sq ft home for their family of three, doing most of
the work themselves. They hired people to frame, roof
and plumb the place, which took about a month, and
then they’d do the electrical, siding, tiling, etc.
themselves. They have no previous construction
experience—she’s in landscape design, he’s a
geologist. It’s now been eight months, and they
haven’t finished any of the jobs they intended to do
themselves. We’ve gone to the lot to help,
but they are so disorganized and unfocused that it
takes five hours to do two hours of work, and we don’t
have that kind of time. But they don’t seem pressured
to work, either—they have time to go fishing several
times a week, go out on weekends, leave town for
mini-breaks, go to sporting events, etc. They also
had the money two months ago to hire a contractor to
build a garage so they can keep a boat—they don’t have
a boat, and can’t afford one, but they want a garage
for some future boat. Unrealistically, they also keep
expecting the house to get finished in another three
months—they’ve just finished another lease at another
short-term rental. Last month they planned to move
into the finished garage, but they fired the
contractor half-way through that job and the garage
sits half-built as well. This weekend we helped the
wife and daughter move into a 30-year-old travel
trailer they hastily rented and parked on the lot.
The husband was out of town for work. The wife and
daughter were visibly upset about the move into the
trailer, but the husband, who is the primary
decision-maker, doesn’t seem to have a problem with
it. Actually, he seems to resent advice or suggestions
from others to the point where it seems as if he does
the opposite of whatever you suggest. The husband
rejected the offer of a friend to give them a
month-to-month rental, changed his mind two weeks
later and is now angry at the friend because the
rental is no longer available. He also rejected my
offer to connect him with a retired electrician.

In the meantime, the wife is on Lexapro and the
10-year-old daughter has attended four schools in the
past two years, and is not only bringing home failing
grades but also demonstrates emotional and behavioral
problems. She had several serious conflicts with
other children. Our friends blame the parents of the
other children involved—those parents are “snobs” and
“social climbers” who won’t let their children play
with the daughter.

This is just the tip of the iceberg--they never had
the lot surveyed, started wiring the house without a
permit, and hired a new neighbor to roof the garage
for cash under the table and he fell off the roof and
was injured. As friends, my husband and I feel like
we should be there to support them through tough
times. But we also have a hard time feeling too much
sympathy—they aren’t the victims of circumstance as
much as their own decision-making. We don’t want to
butt in and force our opinions on them, so we’re trying
to get some distance. In the response, they seem more
aggressive about spending time with us. We feel
guilty.

Do you have any advice? Are we doing the right thing?


Dear Friends of Bad-Decision-Makers,

It certainly sounds like your friends are making construction decisions that are probably illegal and definitely dangerous. On top of that, they seem to feel no remorse about squandering their friends’ good will and offers to pitch in. When my friends and I help each other tackle home projects, we agree upon a strict time limit for the activity, and the helpee does all project prep work before the helpers arrive. Plus, bagels and coffee are usually on hand during these Saturday morning tasks.

But do you actually need to end the friendship? Do you enjoy their company under other circumstances? If so, I wonder if it’s possible to remain friends with them, but to remove yourselves from any discussions about the house. And definitely stop volunteering your time toward never-ending, ill-fated projects! If you like them enough to give this a try, I’d be really honest about your boundaries. You could say something like, “We have very different ideas on how these sorts of things should be done, and we don’t want to cause any hurt feelings by constantly offering up advice or suggestions that run contrary your plans. We want to support you, but maybe it would be better if we just didn’t discuss the house together any more.” If this tack can work for disagreements among friends over politics and religion, surely it could work under your circumstances as well.

If that plans falls flat, and if the friendship has few other redeeming qualities, then I suppose ending the relationship, or at least withdrawing from it for now, is all you can do. If they were very close friends, I suspect you wouldn’t have written this letter; you’d have just sucked it up and supported them the best that you could without losing your sanity. Most friendships go through rocky periods. At one time or another, we’ve all probably wanted to shake a friend for making lousy decisions. Good friendships survive those times; casual ones might not.

If you legitimately feel you've done what you could for this family and for your relationship with them, then you should try to let go of your guilt. Like doomed romantic relationships, some friendships just aren't meant to be.

Good luck!
HTT

Oy. I have been lazy about attending to the blog these past few weeks, and now I've got three VERY interesting questions to ponder. I'm back to it, so please stay tuned.

HTT, how do I tell Mom I no longer want her furniture without looking like an ingrate?

Dear HTT,

Years ago my mother gave me a bunch of really nice furniture that was actually the stuff I grew up with in our family's home. It's really nice, walnut veneered, solid REAL furniture -- a large dining room table and chairs, some desks and night stands, and several occasional tables. She even paid to have the pieces refinished for me. It has been fabulous having the furniture, and I am so grateful to have had it.

But, as my decorating taste has evolved over recent years, I find that the furniture just doesn't "work" for me any more. I have plenty of other family hand-me-down dolls, pictures, and various tchotchkes that I have been able to box up in the attic, hoping that someday I'll have a space for them. But, the furniture -- not so easy to shove into a box and stow it away.

I don't want to appear unappreciative, HTT. But I need to figure out how to talk to Mom about my feelings without coming across as an ungrateful brat. She's a great parent in every way, and I wouldn't purposely hurt her feelings for anything in the world. Can you help me figure this out? How can I have the home and furnishings that I want without making my mother feel bad? Or, should I just suck it up and live with the furniture until my mother's gone to the great beyond?

Daughter in Distress


Dear Daughter,

Technically, when someone gives us a gift, it becomes ours to do with as we please. But, sure, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. You quietly exchange the polka CD from Uncle Joe for the newest from Iron and Wine. The giant, feather-covered hair clip your sister-in-law made in her crafting circle? You strategically place it on your dresser before she visits, suggesting that you’d just used it the day before. Nana’s sweatshirt covered with holiday-themed embroidery? Wear it only when you visit your grandmother.

As you point out, however, you can’t just whip out your mother’s dining room table the day before her visit and stow it away once she leaves. So honesty’s the best policy. Unlike the hair clip example, you actually used to like the furniture and got years of good use out of it before your decorating aesthetic evolved. So tell your mother how grateful you are that she gave you the furniture and about how you enjoyed it all this time. But explain that your taste has changed and that you have the opportunity to buy some new furniture that now suits you better. Offer to return the furniture to her, and take responsibility for moving it back.

Chances are, your mother will understand. She’s probably redecorated her home several times over the years (like, after she gave you the walnut-veneered furniture you’re currently feeling guilty about), so surely she’ll empathize with your desire for something new.

Good luck!
HTT

HTT, how do I overcome restoration envy?

Dear HTT,

Several years ago, my husband and I moved into an older neighborhood filled with bungalows and Victorians. Our house was in a state of mild disrepair---not falling down, but definitely in need of some pretty major repairs involving plumbing and foundation, as well as a bunch of updates. We’ve been working on it in waves since we moved in, and it’s starting to come along.

So, what’s the problem? Well, in a word, jealousy. Since a lot of people in this neighborhood are in the same boat and doing a lot of work to their homes, neighbors frequently tour each others’ houses to see what progress has been made, offer tips, suggest handymen, etc. And every time I go on one of these informal tours, I get envious over how nice their places look! It’s not like our house is a tar paper shack or anything, but we’ve spent most of our money on repairs that don’t show (aforementioned plumbing and foundation) and, even if we hadn’t, there’s no way we could afford stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.

How do I stop from comparing our cute little house to all these others, that look like they just walked out of American Bungalow magazine?

Signed,
Green with Envy


Dear Green,

When I told a friend about this question, she laughed and said, “Do you think you have any frame of reference, any experience to draw on to answer that letter?” She was kidding.

I, too, live in an older bungalow, and I’ve sunk a mint into foundation, porch repair, and plumbing. I’ve bitched and moaned to friends and family about how I could have overhauled my entire kitchen or built a screen porch for what I’ve spent on these boring repairs. Up next at my place? Knocking down a non-functioning chimney no longer even attached to a fireplace, and patching the roof where the chimney now stands. Try highlighting that when you’re showing friends around your house! Not quite the same impact as, “And then, we installed this gorgeous claw-footed tub and period Craftsman-style lighting.”

So, yes, I know just where you’re coming from.

There was a time, not long ago, when middle class people were happy to have a decent, affordable home in which to live and maybe raise a family. Sure, people wanted a house they liked, a house that more or less reflected their sense of style. But these homes were practical places, where toasters rested just as easily on a Formica countertop as they do on granite. Where plain, white (or maybe avocado) refrigerators kept food just as fresh as stainless steel does. Where a fiberglass tub got you just as clean as a 100-year-old enamel-covered metal claw-footed tub. At some point, though, we all went a little crazy. Blame it on HGTV, or Martha Stewart, or Architectural Digest, or American Bungalow, or Restoration Hardware or their ilk. Our idea of what a home should be was transformed from a comfortable sanctuary to a showpiece. Some of us started to feel like we just weren’t trying hard enough if our homes didn’t have glass-fronted kitchen cabinets, or expensive period fixtures, or gleaming refinished hardwood floors.


I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any of these things. I, myself, salivate over Frank Lloyd Wright / Charles Rennie MacIntosh styled anything. If people can afford to have their floors refinished, or have the moxie to do it themselves, right on! Get granite, go for stainless. But if these updates just aren't in your budget now, if you’re spending your money on keeping your house standing, don’t despair. Here are a few tips:

• For god’s sake stop watching remodeling shows on HGTV. They only make you feel badly about your skills and your home. Those shows where the homeowners supposedly do all the work, remodel their entire house in a month for a couple thousand bucks? That’s pure trickery, my friend. There are tons of skilled workers and designers buzzing around off camera.
• Cancel your subscription to American Bungalow and recycle, without first reading, all your home furnishing catalogues until you actually need to purchase something.
• Walk through your house with your husband and discuss every feature you like about it. When you show friends around, don’t apologize for anything or point out all the negatives.
• This sounds silly, but ask a good friend to “admire” the work you have done. For example, when my foundation work was completed, several friends gushed about how they had never seen a more level house or straighter porch columns. I actually felt a little burst of pride!
• Finally, be grateful. You own a cute home that was within your means, and you live in a funky neighborhood that you love.

Maybe I’ll run into you at Home Depot one of these days!

Best,
HTT

HTT, in the middle of an argument, my boyfriend asked me if it was "that time of the month"!

Dear HTT,

I need your help. In the midst of an argument, my boyfriend committed a cardinal sin. This is a man who is normally very kind, supportive, and understanding. This *event* might have been a minor lapse in judgment. However, I'm still pretty steamed over it -- so I need your help to figure out, objectively, if I am overreacting!

OK -- here was the situation. He and I started to have a disagreement about something that he felt was trivial. The fact that he thought the issue was trivial caused this disagreement to blow up into a full ARGUMENT. At this point in the argument, I'm feeling really frustrated that he appeared to have a complete lack of regard for something that I felt was very important. So, we go 'round and 'round... things are getting really heated... he still thinks this whole thing is ridiculous... when he says, "What time of the month is it?" OHHHHH let me tell you, I was NOT amused. I flew off the handle. What started as frustration because he wasn't giving as much care to an issue that *I* felt was important - became anger that he overtly stated that I was irrational for even feeling upset in the first place. Like I said, he's normally very kind and supportive. What he said really shocked me. Is he secretly a real jerk?

Am I overreacting? What should I do?

Signed,

Not Laughing


Dear Not Laughing,

At first, this line of questioning struck me as extremely sexist. If a woman and a man disagree about something, what makes it o.k. to assume the only cause of the disagreement is the woman’s hormonal state? Why can’t it simply be because the man is wrong? I mean, having a period is not the same as having a botched lobotomy. And I don’t know any women who, when arguing with a man, say something like, “Oh you just can’t think straight because you’re still distraught over your failure to achieve an erection last night.” Or, “honey, your sensitivity about your ever-growing bald spot is really clouding your judgment.”

But then, to be fair, I’m also willing to admit that some of us (and by “us” I mean some of womankind in general…certainly not me) do become a little emotional, a little hair-trigger-tempered when Aunt Dot comes to town.

So, for the sake of argument, let’s even say your hormones did rear their heads that day. Still, even if your boyfriend guessed correctly, did he actually gain anything by smugly mentioning it? Clearly not; you became more enraged.

So, guys, a tip from me to you: pulling the “is it THAT time of the month?” card will never help you win an argument. I’ll bet that no woman in the history of menstruation has ever, when confronted with that question in the middle of a heated discussion, responded, “Gee, you’re right honey, I’m just being totally irrational because my hormones are screwing with my head and my entire torso is wracked with cramps. Don’t even bother paying attention to my opinions for another four days.”

Now, men, if the woman in your life does suffer from mood swings when her period rolls around, and if you choose to track her cycle clandestinely for your own well being (or, better yet, to avoid arguments and to remember to bring home chocolate and red wine), feel free to do so. But mention it at your peril. And remember, just because we’re crabby doesn’t mean we’re wrong.

Yours truly,
HTT

Wendy's

So, I worked at Wendy's for about three months while I was in high school. It was a pretty terrible job in all the ways you'd imagine. But my store manager had a special humiliation lined up just for me: every Saturday, I had to dress up as Wendy and hand out balloons. When I asked why no one else ever had to don the itchy, yarn Wendy's wig and put on her pinafore, the manager said, "You're the only white girl working here. Does Wendy look black to you?" Well, he had a point. But still!

Anyway, on the way to Atlanta a few weeks ago, my friend and I stopped at Wendy's for lunch, and I got to relive a few fond memories of my Wendy's days:

HTT, traffic blows! How can I cope?

Dear HTT,

I'm writing to see if you can send an APB to all of my fellow Triangle residents. Please let them know that when you see an upside down yellow triangle with the words YIELD on it, it does not mean that you must stop. If it was a red octagon, then yes, stopping would be appropriate.

I'm simply fed up with trying to get on the Durham freeway or 40 and having some schmuck- because they ran out of pavement- stop on the freakin on ramp! People, either you slow down or speed up, please don't stop on the on ramp- its dangerous! And if you’re on the lane that the person needs to merge on- slow down, speed up or change lanes- let them in people! For the love of all that is Holy!!!

But my real beef is with a specific Triangle traveler today. I was trying to get off 540 onto 40 this afternoon and I'm one lane away from the exit lane when my fellow traveler, ahead of me, slams on her brakes. I suspect she did this because she couldn't find a way to get onto the off ramp- so she slammed on her brakes to see if she could get on. Not only is this dangerous, it’s extremely non-conforming to the rules of the road. In this situation, one puts one’s signal on (showing intent) then merges into the lane- okay? - one does not slam on the brakes or stop to smell roses. Because if you did that, you would have a wave of rush hour traffic bearing down upon you at 70 plus miles an hour!

So then, (hopefully I'm not boring you), I'm finally merging onto 40 and I look in the mirror to see if I can merge when lo and behold someone behind me is merging into traffic from 540 way before the dotted lines appear…i.e., cutting right into high-speed travelers. I mean I saw cars swerving to get out of the way to stop an accident from happening. I shook my head and looked in rear view again. Who could it be except the same rider who gave me trouble on 540 previously.

Sorry to rant and not ask for advice- but if I may be so bold and venture my own advice- get off the damn cell phone, watch where you’re going, and please, please don't stop on the on ramp when you’re getting on the freeway.

Zorro


Dear Zorro,

You’re lucky to be alive!

Yes, I think we can all agree that many people on the road simply don’t know how to drive. Oh, sure, they can operate a car, but should they? I myself had two near misses on a recent drive to Atlanta (to see Crowded House, who were fantastic by the way). Both times, people attempted to move into my lane without even looking. I had to swerve to avoid them and was lucky not to hit the median or another driver.

And let me tell you: the horn on a Suzuki Reno does not inspire fear or awe in other drivers. It’s got this tinny “meep meep” like the Roadrunner, which is sort of cute if you’re tooting your horn outside a friend’s house, but straight-up embarrassing if you’re trying to go Medusa on some jerk talking on his cell phone in the Escalade that almost ran you over. Even my road trip companion burst out laughing the first time she heard me beep. “Whoa, watch out,” she said, ostensibly to the other drivers but really mocking me. “She’s really mad now. If you know what's good for you, you won't get in HER way.”

But I digress. See how traffic makes us hot under the collar? Even just in the retelling two weeks later? You offer some excellent advice, although I think you’re giving me too much credit if you think that publishing it here is going to reach a wide spectrum of the Triangle! And although you didn’t technically ask for advice, I have some. Are you shocked?

So how do you deal with bad drivers and horrible traffic? Obviously, you can’t just stay off the roads, at least not in these parts where public transportation options are so limited. It sounds like you already employ excellent defensive driving skills. So, you might try one of the following:

• Deep breathing: Sounds corny, but it really works for me, unless I’m PMS-ing, in which case, Katy bar the door. Then, in the throes of moodiness, migraines, and cramps, my NJ roots begin to show, and certain fingers get waved and curses uttered. I’m not proud of it. Just being honest.
• Good music: If I’m singing along to a great song, I’m far less likely to be bothered by idiot drivers, at least in situations where my life isn’t endangered.
• Smugness: When someone zooms past me at 90 mph, I just gloat about how much more they must spend on gas. And about how I am in no hurry to get to work, so clearly I have my life priorities in order while they clearly don’t.
• Calling 911 or *HP: Oh, I’m like Gomer Pile doing a citizen’s arrest! I’ll call the police at the drop of a hat and rat out someone driving erratically (aka, possibly drunk). Granted, this doesn’t work for your typical one-off stupid move, but it makes me feel better. And isn’t that what we’re talking about here? Not losing your mind (or life) on the highway.
• Refraining from tailgating: The surest way to remain in a Buddha-like state of calm is to try to keep as much distance as possible between you and everyone else. I know, sometimes easier said than done, but try it when you can.

Let’s all be careful out there!

HTT

I want to be a cop, but my girlfriend parties all the time

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 3 years now. I am 20 and my girlfriend is 18. From day 1 her friends have not liked me for no reason and have tried to break us up. They don't like me, and I don't like them. But her and I have only been able to see each other on weekends because of different schools and jobs. That is all we see each other and we have made it work. But lately we have been fighting because she wants to go out with them and drink and do stupid things. I know it is a thing younger people do now, because I was guilty of it too.

But I don’t trust her friends, and I know she gets pretty drunk off of 1 beer. Not to mention about all her friends are guys. I really don't like that. But she says I am controlling....I mean who wouldn't be right??? Who lets their girlfriend (who I only see once or twice a week anyway) go off and party with almost all guys???? That just seems morally wrong. Last time she did it she got in a vehicle with a drunk driver. I won’t party because I am seeking a job in law enforcement. I don’t want to date someone who wants to party.

We have been fine all these years but now she say she wants to be a "teen." And that I am holding her back. I look at it as I am being protective of her. Who lets their girlfriend party with guys, not hang out with me on weekends when we barely see each other anyway?? She at least gets to see her friends at school, before and after. She sees them in the hallways, at practice and at games. But she and I only see each other on the weekends. And now she wants to see them all week long and rarely see each other AND keep a relationship. I think she wants to do like the old phrase "have her cake, and eat it too." She just now started this phase.

So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to throw away all the good times and all the years just because of this, and she is going to be graduating. Should I stick it out a few months more, or break it off? Thanks for your help.



Dear Letter Writer,

Sometimes the answer to our questions could not be more clear, but we ignore all the signs because the solution makes us unhappy. I think you know what to do.

You are a young man with a plan. You’ve left high school behind. You’re done with the crazy partying and drinking. You’ve set goals for yourself. Goals that include law enforcement and busting people who do stupid things when they get drunk. People like your girlfriend.

She wants to be a teen because she is one. And, it must be said, a reckless one at that. But it’s not up to you to “let” her--or not--get drunk or party with the guys or have her cake and eat it too. Obviously her behavior drives you crazy, so I understand your desire to change it. In this respect, though, you have been controlling, no matter whether your motivation was her safety or your jealousy or a little bit of both.

So try to keep an eye on that impulse as you move forward into other relationships. With luck, you’ll soon date women whose lifestyles are more aligned with your own, who are more mature, and who don’t need to be dragged kicking and screaming into spending time with you.

I doubt that her graduation is going to be a quick fix for what ails your relationship. I'm sorry, but I think she’s telling you through her actions that you should move on.

Good luck to you.

HTT

Cap'n Slappy weighs in on hooks

As some of you might recall from an earlier post, my stepmother, Faith, is a loyal fan of Cap'n Slappy, who founded International Talk Like a Pirate Day and writes his own extremely entertaining advice column. Well, when Faith read the question I answered about the hook, she just knew the Cap'n would have an opinion, so she passed on the question, and my reply, to him. See what he has to say! When you get there, scroll down a ways...or just read the whole column.

What do you call a man who has oral sex with another man?

Dear HTT,

I've had this question forever. I'm a practicing hetero male in the Triangle. I'm wondering if a male receives oral sex from another male, does that make him gay? In light of the current revelations about the Senator from Idaho who claims he's not gay, but nonetheless has taken part in some less than straight illegal behavior, and who claims not to be gay, would I be gay, had I engaged in such behavior.

Keep up the good work,

Your fan in Triangle
Zorro


Dear Zorro,

I don’t think that having oral sex with a man necessarily means that Sen. Craig, or anyone else for that matter, is gay. But he sure isn’t straight, either.

Labels are so limiting, aren’t they? I buy into Kinsey’s theory of sexuality. He said

Males [and he came to feel this way about women, too, eventually] do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.

While emphasizing the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history... An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life.... A seven-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist.

• 0--Exclusively heterosexual
• 1--Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
• 2--Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
• 3--Equally heterosexual and homosexual
• 4--Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
• 5--Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
• 6--Exclusively homosexual
• X--Asexual

Notice that once this business came to light, Craig said, “I am not now, and never have been, gay.” O.K., right, but my guess is he’s not a zero, although I don’t know where exactly he falls on the scale. And I wouldn't care, either, if he weren't such a hypocrite.

I mean, please. He voted to deny gay men and lesbians the right to marry, claiming that the "sanctity of marriage" could be upheld only between a woman and a man, and all the while he's trying to cheat on his wife and hook up in a public bathroom? Yeesh.

Thanks for the question and for being such a loyal reader!

HTT

I stared at a guy's hook and I feel terrible!

Dear HTT,

This might just be too offensive or politically incorrect to address, but I think this might be an issue for others and I'm hoping that asking this question (semi) publicly might make us all feel a little better.

Last weekend, as I was approaching the door to enter a restaurant, a couple with small child was coming out. I reached out to catch the door as the man held it open for me when I noticed (not too subtly I'm sure) that he had a prosthetic hand. More specifically, a hook. Now, I'm an adult with good manners and I'm a healthcare professional. I know it is rude to stare. But you know how people who survive a car crash describe the whole thing as seeming to last for several minutes when in reality it only lasted a couple of seconds? That's how it felt for me. Here's how it went: I look at the hook, my mind processes, "Is that a hook? Hmmm... That is a hook. I knew someone with a hook once, I wonder what ever happened to Syd... Oh my god. I think I'm staring, did he notice?" I glance up, make immediate, accidental and very uncomfortable eye contact then say, with a pitiful look (as in with "a look full of pity"), "Hey... How are you?" He smiles back and nods and we keep going our separate ways. Basically I got busted staring at a guy with a hook.

Uhhggghhh! I have thought about those few seconds and winced with embarrassment countless times since it happened. I'm trying to figure out why it was so awkward and why I still feel so guilty. Is it as simple as seeing something outside the norm and my brain taking a few extra seconds to process? Isn't it normal to take few extra seconds to process what you're not accustomed to seeing? It's not as though there was any judgment involved or fear or revulsion. But what if he thought there was? Am I just an insensitive clod? Isn't honest curiosity or extra processing allowed? What do you think?

Signed,
Red-faced



Dear Red-faced,

You are not an insensitive clod. The fact that you’ve written this letter, the fact that you’re still cringing with embarrassment days after this incident, these things tell me that you are not a boor.

Yes, I do think the brain does a little hiccup of sorts when faced with something visually jarring. And unless one comes into regular contact with someone who has a similar prosthesis, a hook in the place of a hand will strike most of us as unusual. It is, in fact, not usual. So your description of your thought process makes perfect sense to me. Your brain is a wonderful thing! Even though it felt like minutes, your brain needed just a few extra microseconds to make sense of the hook. It then helpfully fired up some synapses and pulled out a memory of someone you know who also has one, thereby attempting to normalize that which is not normal in your day-to-day life.

Having established that your reaction is probably pretty typical, let’s talk about why you feel so badly about it. I think shame rears its head if we believe we’ve been caught in the act of pitying, not simply looking. Plus, as you allude to, we’ve had it drummed into our heads that staring is rude—and that staring at someone with a disability is super rude. So with all this conditioning, your tiny slip-up felt enormous, which only made your interaction all the more uncomfortable. Imagine if you hadn’t instantaneously felt like you’d broken a social taboo, done the unthinkable…maybe you’d have stared at his hook for a moment, then simply looked up and smiled.

A quick side story: I have a friend—I’ll call her Jane—who used to live in New York City. Every day, she faced a long subway commute. She hated it. She grew more embittered with each trek. She hated the smell, the noise, the heat, rude people pushing and shoving. Most of all she hated people who did not follow the cardinal rule of escalators: you can stand on the right, but you must walk on the left. One day, in a hurry to catch the train, she got caught behind a woman planted on the left side of the down escalator. The more Jane huffed and muttered, the more this woman clung steadfastly to the handrail. Finally, Jane found an opportunity to pass on the right. As she did, she flashed the woman a look that could kill, which then prompted the woman to cry out, “I can’t help it that I only have one arm.” And she did. A left one. You know what my friend did? She laughed! At herself, at the situation, at her mistake. Then she apologized for being rude, but no more profusely than she would have to anyone else she might have sassed on her flight down the escalator stairs. The woman accepted, and my friend dashed off for the train. End of story, no lasting guilt or trauma.

My point is not that we should laugh at the disabled. I am not advocating gawking at people with hooks. We should do our best not to be rude to anyone, but don’t assume that the disabled are more delicate in the self-esteem department than the rest of us.

You’re human. Forgive yourself. It sounds as if he did. He smiled at you, said hello, and moved on.

Thanks for writing!
HTT

Crafting: a Labor of Love

Two excellent questions await my response, but I proved too lazy to answer them this weekend. So, for now, I'll instead regale you with Tales of a Very Short Road Trip.

My friend Tina and I decided to take a mini (or maybe micro) road trip on Labor Day to a nearby town known for its stately Victorian homes and quaint downtown. One of the downtown attractions is a refurbished warehouse, partitioned into booths that display the wares of local craftspeople. In fact, not just craftspeople...this place bills itself as "yesterday's architecture, today's artisans."

Well, I'll leave it to you to determine whether the offerings qualify as artisanal.

Yes, indeed, that's a hand-made Elvis knick-knack box.

Tina, looking very stylish in this lovely hair bow.

You know, Tina, Dawn, and I are planning a trip to Rome. Maybe the chic rolling bag, above, will come in handy. Or this special purse, as Tina demonstrates with her cab-hailing pose:

But, then, these are nice, right? Dignified pictures of someone's great grandparents, perhaps?

Nope. Wrong. When you shift your head from side to side, Maw-maw and Paw-paw morph into this freak show:


After hamming it up throughout the store, snapping pictures and giggling like little girls, we were somewhat chagrined to find this sign tucked away amidst the Barbie doll fairies:


Yikes. At first I brushed it off, figuring that this sign was just a ruse to put off would-be shoplifters, but then I noticed a huge monitor that was, in fact, being monitored by a salesperson in the front of the store. Fortunately, because the views from about 12 cameras appeared on one television screen, no one picture was big enough to do justice to our antics.

And, finally, on the way back to Durham, we stopped at a grocery store, where I was sorely tempted to purchase this magazine:

I mean, I've been fed up with squirrels digging up my impatiens, so maybe this would be the perfect subscription! My birthday's coming up in November, hint hint.

Summer's almost over, and I'm totally bummed! What should I do?

Dear HTT,

I want to write to you for advice but not sure about how to disguise myself. You would know from my email address who I might be.

I thought it would be a good place to put a comment on your vacation pictures and pose my dilemma.

I am in a panic about summer ending. I have to say that it’s been a blast and I am afraid that the good times will end. And I don't want to wait another 10 months for summer to start again.

What advice can you give me to keep the good times rolling???

PS: Football season does start in a few weeks so there is some light on my horizon.

Party Girl


Dear Party Girl,

First, thanks for your ingenuity…posting your question in the comments section is a great way to disguise yourself! The rest of you anonymity-challenged readers/would-be letter writers should take note.

Now, on to your dilemma. I’m not sure how old you are or where you live. If summer’s end means back to school (or work, if you’re a teacher), I can imagine falling into a funk this time of year. Or, if your main form of fun involves a beach and a bottle of pina-colada-scented tanning oil, maybe the passing of 90-degree days is cause for mourning. Or, if you reside in a state that might see snow in a few weeks, I guess I can imagine bumming out as August slips by.

But for me, the end of August is cause for celebration. Soon the high temperature will dip below 99! Being outdoors will become a pleasure and not just a test of endurance. I might be able to take my hair out of a ponytail, once even the thought of a few strands on my neck doesn’t make me sweat. Before too long, we’ll be enjoying a little nip in the air, some mulled cider, bulky sweaters, and an energetic spring in the steps of our stylishly boot-clad feet.

Honestly, if you work year-round, I don’t see why summer holds any more party promise than the rest of the year. All right, maybe pool parties will drop off the calendar for a while, but what else can’t you do in the fall that you can do in the summer? Where I live, fall’s a nicer time of year for a cookout, a picnic, drinks on a bar patio, a bike ride, a hike, a road trip, a street fair, a wedding, most vacations, a walk on the beach, a party on the porch, a stroll around Duke Gardens, a trip to the farmer’s market, hand-holding (fewer sweaty palms), dressing up, gardening, dancing, exploring new places, oh, I could go on and on.

But, o.k., I’ll assume that the passing of summer is, for you, reason to despair, whether it marks the end of aimless days of pleasure or the beginning of an early and long, dreary winter. I guess the closest parallel from my own life that I can draw on to feel what you might be feeling is the end of a fantastic vacation. (And you posted near my vacation pictures, so you know how depressed I can get when I return from a great trip.) This is what I do when vacation ends: I start planning another one. Not just dreaming. Planning. I need some concrete fun to look forward to. If you know me at all, you’ve probably heard me say, at least once, “In order to be happy in life, one must always be on vacation or planning one.”

So, Party Girl, start cooking up some fun for the fall and winter. Sure, if you’ve had the luxury of partying every night over the summer, you’re going to have to make do with less. And certainly, unlike a vacation, you can’t just plan to have summer again in a few months. (Although if it’s beach weather you’ll crave, remember it’s always hot somewhere in the world.) Think about the kinds of events that will add joy to your life this fall and winter and make real plans to do them. Get other people on board. I know for some people lack of spontaneity is a buzz kill, but even a few exciting, sure-to-happen events on your calendar can make the end of summer (for you) or vacation (for me) easier to bear.

Party on, my anonymous friend!

HTT