HTT, I'm terrified of dancing, but my girlfriend loves to!

Dear HTT,

I live in Nevada and my gf lives in California. We met doing a mutual sport, because it requires me to go down to Cali quite often in the summer. We’ve now been dating for about 6 months and it’s been really hard. I haven’t seen her in 2 months, but we talk on the phone every day for several hours. I never thought I would get into a long-distance relationship, and I even delayed asking this girl out for 3 years, but I just like her so much I couldn't stand not being with her.

Now I have an opportunity to go see her in about 3 weeks and I’m so excited. The only problem is the weekend I can go see her is also the weekend of one of her school dances. She absolutely loves to dance, and really wants to have fun this year, because last year her date didn’t dance at all, so she kinda ditched him. So now I have this great opportunity to see her but...... I CANNOT and DO NOT like to dance...it’s my weakness. I just get on the dance floor and my whole body freezes.

Now, my gf and I were discussing my trip down there, and she asked me if I really wanted to go. I decided not to lie...I told her I didn’t want to go to the dance but will just so I can see her. Then she asked me if I was going to dance at all. I said I would do all the slow dances with her, but she didn’t seem too happy with that answer. Then she asked me if I would get mad at her if she danced with other guys while I was there. I didn’t even answer this question, because what am I supposed to say?? Yes, I would get kinda mad, but I want her to have fun.

So what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to drag her down…but I would get kinda mad, especially since most of her guy friends have crushes on her. Now, I know the obvious answer is…just go and dance with her. I can’t dance though and feel really uncomfortable every time I try. Also, I don’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends because her lame bf won’t and can’t dance, but I also don’t want her to break up with me for not dancing with her. I don’t know what to do, but I really, really like this girl, more than I have anyone else.

In need of your help,

Dance Disaster



Dear DD,

Well, bless your heart! This is quite a dilemma. Your gal seems intent on going to this dance. And it sounds like visiting her some other weekend isn’t an option. So, even though you say you’re a horrible dancer, I think this is still your opportunity to shine. Not by trying to pull some fancy moves, but by being game enough to go and risk looking just a little goofy to spend time with your girl.

Did you happen to see “Hitch” by any chance? With Will Smith and Kevin James? James’ character has a crush on a woman who invites him to go dancing. Unlike you, he thinks he’s got some pretty impressive dance moves, but they’re actually quite awful. You know the kind...big 80s moves that bring to mind MC Hammer, robots, and the white man’s overbite. Will Smith tutors him on some classier, low-key steps that won’t wow anyone but won’t call attention to themselves either. (In the movie, James’ gal finds his horrible dancing endearing, because it makes her look like a better dancer. In reality, I think this is a risky strategy, so I can’t recommend it.)

Have you actually watched many people dance? Like, real people, not professional dancers in music videos? Have you really looked around at ALL the people on a dance floor, not just the ones who actually know what they’re doing? Most people aren’t great dancers. Especially guys! Mostly, people just kind of step back and forth and bob their heads to the beat. Do you have any friends who can help you in the manner that Will Smith helped Kevin James? You’re not going to become a candidate for “Dancing with the Stars” in the next couple of weeks, but if you just practice some simple movements, you might feel a little more comfortable.

This is what I think you need to do. Go to the dance. If you’re old enough to drink and won’t have to drive, have one or two beers. (Drinking doesn’t improve your dancing, per se, but it relaxes your inhibitions about it. But no more than one or two! You don’t want to get wasted and lose so many inhibitions that you make an ass out of yourself!) Dance the slow dances, as you suggested you would. That was a brilliant idea, because slow dancing means little more than hugging and shuffling. And then work up the courage to go out there for some of the faster songs. Keep smiling so you don’t look panicked. Don’t try anything fancy and the worst thing people could accuse you of is being an uninspired dancer, but not an embarrassment. Don’t feel obligated to dance every dance. Take some breaks when you’ve had enough, and encourage your girlfriend to dance with her friends. You’ll impress her with your lack of jealousy (even if you feel jealous, you don’t have to show it).

If she has any sense at all, she’ll realize what a good guy you are and be grateful that you overcame your dancing phobia because you wanted to spend time with her, doing something that she loves.

Good luck, and if you get a chance, let me know how things turn out.

HTT

Did I disclose my feelings too soon?

Dear HTT,

A couple of weeks ago, a woman named L started working in the same department I work in. We've had some friendly conversations, have found several points of common interest, and seemed to get along well. I found out she had a boyfriend, but in our conversations she never referenced him, which I notice women tend to do when they want to let you know they're not available. The only reference came last week when she mentioned she had "been dating this guy, but he's an a$$," so they split up. She came back to work after her shift last week to go over some things (this is when she mentioned splitting up), then invited me to meet her and some friends out for drinks. I joined them, and had a nice time, and was invited by L's friend to attend a party the following night. I showed up the next night, had a great time, got to hang with L and meet more of her friends, and generally enjoyed myself. As I was saying goodbyes at the end of the night, L gave me a noticeably full hug, and told me she was glad to have a work-friend. I asked her (our arms still around each other) if I should then NOT have a crush on her, because "I can be your work friend, but I could also easily crush on you." L told me she was a wait-and-see person, and we smiled and said good night.

So, did I just give her too much info? Would it have been better to have just kept it to myself and wait-and-see? There are all these things that would be great about dating her, but then again, I work with her! I've always been one to think (and observe) that work relationships are bad news. Also, I'm in the midst of a time in my life when I question whether I should even BE dating! I'm letting the issue rest there unless she brings it up. I get along really well with just about everyone I work with, and L is no exception. As far as the crushing, I can keep it pretty compartmentalized... That is, if I don't have a few cocktails in me, which won't be an issue at work.

Was it OK to let her know? I wanted to put it out there so she could know where she stands, I guess: if she keeps inviting me out and giving me full body hugs, she's gonna' fan the flames. If she just keeps the friendship relegated to work and sees that I'm not stalker-material, she can be comfortable knowing that we can be friends, and a crush is often just a crush...

Signed,

Don't Want To Creep Her Out


Dear Don’t Want to be Creepy,

I might not have confessed my feelings so early in the relationship, but then again, I’m a bit of a chicken in these matters. (See my description of toe-dipping.) I rather envy you your chutzpuh. You handled your disclosure exceedingly well: you were sweet and light-hearted about it, and you seem to be going into this with the right attitude. That is, you’re not love-sick and moony but rather a bit more devil-may-care. If I were this girl, I’d be flattered and, even if I didn’t share your feelings, I wouldn’t be at all creeped out by you. As long as you are true to your word and don’t start stalking her or acting mopey at work if your feelings aren’t reciprocated.

It’s been a few weeks since you wrote—sorry, I’m still in slacker mode—and I’m curious how things have progressed. From your description of events, it’s hard to tell whether she was behaving in a friendly or flirty manner, although, personally, I don’t tend to give long, full-body hugs to my guy pals. Especially not guys I work with. So, if you’ve read her wrong, I wouldn’t take it too hard or start to question your own judgment.

If you get a chance, let me know where things stand.

Happy New Year!
HTT

HTT, in the middle of an argument, my boyfriend asked me if it was "that time of the month"!

Dear HTT,

I need your help. In the midst of an argument, my boyfriend committed a cardinal sin. This is a man who is normally very kind, supportive, and understanding. This *event* might have been a minor lapse in judgment. However, I'm still pretty steamed over it -- so I need your help to figure out, objectively, if I am overreacting!

OK -- here was the situation. He and I started to have a disagreement about something that he felt was trivial. The fact that he thought the issue was trivial caused this disagreement to blow up into a full ARGUMENT. At this point in the argument, I'm feeling really frustrated that he appeared to have a complete lack of regard for something that I felt was very important. So, we go 'round and 'round... things are getting really heated... he still thinks this whole thing is ridiculous... when he says, "What time of the month is it?" OHHHHH let me tell you, I was NOT amused. I flew off the handle. What started as frustration because he wasn't giving as much care to an issue that *I* felt was important - became anger that he overtly stated that I was irrational for even feeling upset in the first place. Like I said, he's normally very kind and supportive. What he said really shocked me. Is he secretly a real jerk?

Am I overreacting? What should I do?

Signed,

Not Laughing


Dear Not Laughing,

At first, this line of questioning struck me as extremely sexist. If a woman and a man disagree about something, what makes it o.k. to assume the only cause of the disagreement is the woman’s hormonal state? Why can’t it simply be because the man is wrong? I mean, having a period is not the same as having a botched lobotomy. And I don’t know any women who, when arguing with a man, say something like, “Oh you just can’t think straight because you’re still distraught over your failure to achieve an erection last night.” Or, “honey, your sensitivity about your ever-growing bald spot is really clouding your judgment.”

But then, to be fair, I’m also willing to admit that some of us (and by “us” I mean some of womankind in general…certainly not me) do become a little emotional, a little hair-trigger-tempered when Aunt Dot comes to town.

So, for the sake of argument, let’s even say your hormones did rear their heads that day. Still, even if your boyfriend guessed correctly, did he actually gain anything by smugly mentioning it? Clearly not; you became more enraged.

So, guys, a tip from me to you: pulling the “is it THAT time of the month?” card will never help you win an argument. I’ll bet that no woman in the history of menstruation has ever, when confronted with that question in the middle of a heated discussion, responded, “Gee, you’re right honey, I’m just being totally irrational because my hormones are screwing with my head and my entire torso is wracked with cramps. Don’t even bother paying attention to my opinions for another four days.”

Now, men, if the woman in your life does suffer from mood swings when her period rolls around, and if you choose to track her cycle clandestinely for your own well being (or, better yet, to avoid arguments and to remember to bring home chocolate and red wine), feel free to do so. But mention it at your peril. And remember, just because we’re crabby doesn’t mean we’re wrong.

Yours truly,
HTT

I want to be a cop, but my girlfriend parties all the time

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 3 years now. I am 20 and my girlfriend is 18. From day 1 her friends have not liked me for no reason and have tried to break us up. They don't like me, and I don't like them. But her and I have only been able to see each other on weekends because of different schools and jobs. That is all we see each other and we have made it work. But lately we have been fighting because she wants to go out with them and drink and do stupid things. I know it is a thing younger people do now, because I was guilty of it too.

But I don’t trust her friends, and I know she gets pretty drunk off of 1 beer. Not to mention about all her friends are guys. I really don't like that. But she says I am controlling....I mean who wouldn't be right??? Who lets their girlfriend (who I only see once or twice a week anyway) go off and party with almost all guys???? That just seems morally wrong. Last time she did it she got in a vehicle with a drunk driver. I won’t party because I am seeking a job in law enforcement. I don’t want to date someone who wants to party.

We have been fine all these years but now she say she wants to be a "teen." And that I am holding her back. I look at it as I am being protective of her. Who lets their girlfriend party with guys, not hang out with me on weekends when we barely see each other anyway?? She at least gets to see her friends at school, before and after. She sees them in the hallways, at practice and at games. But she and I only see each other on the weekends. And now she wants to see them all week long and rarely see each other AND keep a relationship. I think she wants to do like the old phrase "have her cake, and eat it too." She just now started this phase.

So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to throw away all the good times and all the years just because of this, and she is going to be graduating. Should I stick it out a few months more, or break it off? Thanks for your help.



Dear Letter Writer,

Sometimes the answer to our questions could not be more clear, but we ignore all the signs because the solution makes us unhappy. I think you know what to do.

You are a young man with a plan. You’ve left high school behind. You’re done with the crazy partying and drinking. You’ve set goals for yourself. Goals that include law enforcement and busting people who do stupid things when they get drunk. People like your girlfriend.

She wants to be a teen because she is one. And, it must be said, a reckless one at that. But it’s not up to you to “let” her--or not--get drunk or party with the guys or have her cake and eat it too. Obviously her behavior drives you crazy, so I understand your desire to change it. In this respect, though, you have been controlling, no matter whether your motivation was her safety or your jealousy or a little bit of both.

So try to keep an eye on that impulse as you move forward into other relationships. With luck, you’ll soon date women whose lifestyles are more aligned with your own, who are more mature, and who don’t need to be dragged kicking and screaming into spending time with you.

I doubt that her graduation is going to be a quick fix for what ails your relationship. I'm sorry, but I think she’s telling you through her actions that you should move on.

Good luck to you.

HTT

More on crushes

A guy friend of mine begged to differ with my advice to the previous letter writer. He said that he'd prefer the object of his crush to be less opaque about her feelings so that he's not left guessing. But, when pressed, he couldn't come up with what she should actually say. I maintain that there's no polite way to tell someone you're not interested in them, particularly if they haven't expressed interest in YOU.

The burden is on people with a crush to rip the band aid off if they really want to know where they stand with the object of their affection.

However, as I tried to express to "Crushed," I think it's humane....a kindness, a mitzvah...to try to get the point across somehow that she's not interested in dating her pal. Don't make him rip the band aid off if he can avoid it.

Should I crush someone who might have a crush on me?

Dear HTT,

I have a small group of loosely connected friends that I hang around with on a fairly regular basis, some of them more than others. I have reason to believe that one of the guys in the group has a crush on me. He’s never said so straight out, but it’s just a feeling I get. I like spending time with him, but I’m not interested in dating him. Should I tell him? I don’t want to hurt him or make it awkward for the two of us to show up at the same events, but I don’t want to lead him on either. I don’t flirt with him, but I am friendly, and it’s possible he could be misreading the signals.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

Crushed


Dear Crushed,

You know, this whole crush business generates more visits to my site than any other topic. People who arrive at “Here’s the Thing” from Google leave a visible trail of search terms, at least half of which include the word “crush.” (Don’t worry. As I pointed out earlier, I can’t tell WHO is doing the googling, so your secrets are safe.) It’s fascinating, really, to imagine just how many people at this very moment are nursing a secret crush on a coworker, friend, teacher, buddy of a spouse, barista, bartender, or girl across the hall. As widespread as this situation appears to be, it’s puzzling that someone hasn’t figured out how to profit somehow. Or, more philanthropically, to come up with some kind of cure and distribute it widely, free of charge. I'm sure a cure would be welcome. Because by their nature, crushes are fun for a few weeks or months at best before they give way to frustration and pining and pints of Ben and Jerry’s. (Unless they happen to turn into relationships, in which case, they’re no longer “crushes.”)

After all, crush is violent word:

–verb (used with object)

• to press or squeeze with a force that destroys or deforms.
• to squeeze or pound into small fragments or particles, as ore, stone, etc.
• to force out by pressing or squeezing; extract: to crush cottonseeds in order to produce oil.
• to rumple; wrinkle; crease.
• to smooth or flatten by pressure: to crush leather.
• to hug or embrace forcibly or strongly: He crushed her in his arms.
• to destroy, subdue, or suppress utterly: to crush a revolt.
• to overwhelm with confusion, chagrin, or humiliation, as by argumentation or a slighting action or remark; squelch.
• to oppress grievously.

–noun

• the act of crushing; state of being crushed.
• a great crowd: a crush of shoppers.
• an intense but usually short-lived infatuation.
• the object of such an infatuation: Who is your latest crush?

It’s probably no coincidence that “an intense but usually short-lived infatuation” that can cause no small amount of depression and googling isn’t called—I don’t know—a “nurture” or an “encouragement.”

So, getting around to your specific crushing issue: since this fellow hasn’t laid bare his feelings or asked you on a date, you can’t be certain he thinks of you as more than a friend. As such, I think it’d be a bit presumptuous to explicitly state that you lack romantic interest in him. For the sake of argument, though, let’s assume that he does have a crush on you. It’s quite possible that he already knows you aren’t interested and is just biding his time until the crush fades, as they tend to do.

I think your best bet is to remain friendly but pay attention to your boundaries. It’s flattering to be wanted, but continue resisting the temptation to flirt. If you usually only see one another in a group, keep it that way; if you have hung out alone in the past, maybe for a while it would be better to include others. If you have, or develop, an interest in someone, mention it to him as you would to any other friend, but take care not to be heavy handed or cruel about it.

Bottom line, treat this guy as you’d hope to be treated if the tables were turned.

Best,
HTT

How will reclaiming my virginity affect me in the romance department?

Dear HTT,

I'm a divorced woman who wishes to 'reclaim her virginity' (i.e., be sexually abstinent, as younger women in HIV-prevalent settings are being urged to do to protect their health). Do you think that will affect my romantic prospects, and if so, how? Reclaiming one's virginity might be seen as akin to "detailing and garaging/protecting one's car" for a time before putting it on the market. Though used, it feels rather new. Also, in this day and age, maybe virgins -- of whatever age, pure or reclaimed -- are a refreshing, albeit puzzling novelty.

What do you think?
*************************

Dear Virgin Wannabe,

If you think reclaiming your virginity is a simple matter of announcing your abstinence and beating back suitors, you are mistaken my friend. Thanks to Google, I came across The Society for the Recapture of Virginity, which, FOR NO MONEY DOWN, assists you in the complex process of revirgination.

Three not-so-simple steps:

First you enter some information into the VRS 3000, a “state-of-the-art software which takes in factual information from the non-virgin, performs complex, rigorous calculations, and through a process called virgination, finds the algorithm needed to restore your virginity.” According to the site, “a group of highly skilled scientists set out on a multi-million dollar research study that eventually led to a breakthrough in the understanding of virginity.”

Next, based on the number crunching done by the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. “This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves that adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!”

(How do you know it works, you ask? Easy. According to the web site, “You will know.” Period.)

Finally, you will receive a certificate with your name on it (emphasis not mine) to prove that you have been reflowered.

I suspect (desperately hope) the creators of this site are pulling our legs, and kudos to them for making me nearly shoot coffee out of my nose. But all joking aside, your question about how this second virginity business might affect your romantic prospects deserves some serious discussion.

Are you looking at the process as one of detailing/garaging before going back on the market sometime soon? I mean, after all, you mention reclaiming virginity, not adopting life-long celibacy. And being a virgin means that you haven’t had sex yet, not that you intend on never having it. Given that, I think many men will view your revirginization with great enthusiasm.

First, you’re the best of both worlds: you do actually have sexual experience (I’m assuming), but of late you are pure. You’re the Madonna and the whore all in one person! (Um…I don’t mean you’re a whore. That didn’t come out right.) Second, lots of men love a challenge. You might very well be wined and dined and showered with flowers and candy by men with amorous intentions.

Now if don't plan to re-enter the market in the foreseeable future, I think you should make your parameters clear to any potential suitors. Are you wishing to remain a new virgin for a certain length of time? Until you fall deeply in love? What’s the purpose of your new-found virginity? Do you crave emotional, platonic relationships with men and don’t want sex to get in the way? I think a guy’s got a right to know, particularly if he is sincere and kind and not just looking for a booty call.

I’ll be curious to see how this situation unfolds!

Best,
HTT

My girlfriend gets hammered, her friends hate me, what should I do?

Dear HTT,

Girlfriend's friends are a problem.

When I first started dating my girlfriend a little over a year ago (we live together now), I met all of her friends and although a few of them were annoying, I took it in stride and decided they were along for the ride. Since then, I've helped them move, watched their houses and animals while they were out of town, hung out with them, basically accepted them as friends and put my heart and soul into that just as I would any friend.

When my girlfriend and I began to argue about alcohol (she drinks too much and has admitted that several times; she can never have just "a few" - always has to get hammered; she said several times she would change for the better but consistently failed at that after just a few days at most and we would argue again), she would seek the help of these friends as "second opinions". Of course, being her girlfriends and drinking buddies since long before I knew her, they supported her. They told her that I was "controlling", that I "didn't want her to have any fun", that I was "trying to take her away from her friends", etc etc the list goes on and on. It has degenerated into them flat-out declaring that I am an "asshole" and a "dick".

I have never done anything wrong to these friends - have only been genuine and treated them like my close friends as well. Now that they are picking me apart and beating me and us down, I tell her that this is too much and I no longer have any use for any of them. She says that I am the one with the alcohol problem (for not accepting her getting hammered frequently) and that I am alienating myself as far as these friends are concerned. I told her that they are the ones who screwed up.

Everything else is my fault. My girlfriend never apologizes for anything. When she is wrong and we argue, I apologize just so that we can move on; with the hopes that such forgiveness and understanding and work toward the greater good will be met with relief and she will work harder.

I know she loves me and she tells me that she does. She has a new house and new car (all in my name because she has no credit; I'm 5 years younger). I tell her I love her each night and each morning.

How do I fix this craziness of denial and friends?

Thank you for any advice.


Dear Anonymous,

I’m afraid that her friends are the least of your problems. When I boil your letter down to its core elements, this is what I see:

• Your girlfriend “gets hammered” whenever she drinks
• She has admitted she drinks too much, yet says you’re the one with the problem because you don’t accept her drinking
• She counts on her drinking-buddy friends to enable her behavior
• She thinks everything is your fault and never apologizes for anything
• She has used your good credit to purchase a house and a car

These are red flags. Briskly waving flags. Giant ones, like the enormous American flag that flies over at least one car dealership in every town in this country. You ask how to fix this situation, but your girlfriend seems to have problems that you can’t fix, no matter how much patience, forgiveness, or understanding you muster.

Believe me. I know all too well the appeal of “helping” or fixing someone. Hello, I’ve got a crush on Gregory House of the television show “House.” If you watch the show, you know he’s a pill-popping, emotionally distant, ass who is also brilliant and handsome. I imagine his character as possessing a kernel of goodness that would blossom with the love of the right woman (aka me, if House were actually a real person).

To some of us, people who go off the rails have their own crazy allure, but we have to fight the tendency—and hubris—to think we can make them better. And in case you’re thinking, “easy for you to say…House is just a television character and I’m talking about a living, breathing person whom I happen to love,” rest assured that I’m not delusional; I know it’s only t.v. But I also briefly dated a man who was an alcoholic. He readily admitted as much and was working hard, albeit not very successfully, to stop drinking. He had more than a kernel of goodness, but a relationship with him would have been unhealthy if not impossible.

Your girlfriend might not be an alcoholic, but clearly her drinking is of concern to you. And that’s a problem. Also, I’m troubled for you about the possible ramifications of having put her house and car in your name.

I trust that you love her. I even trust that she loves you. But, cliché though this may be, love isn’t enough. I’m going to stop just short of suggesting you break up, because maybe your girlfriend is capable of change, although it doesn’t sound like she thinks she needs to. I do recommend disentangling yourself financially. And then spend time alone, someplace restful and quiet, and think about whether this relationship really makes you happy.

Good luck,
HTT

My SO's social life still revolves around his ex-wife. I love him but enough is enough!

Dear HTT,

SO and I have been living together for 8 months. Dating for almost 4 years. Last night at dinner with friends he called me by his ex-wife’s name. About a year ago he introduced me by the name of his ex-sister-in-law. He is very close friends with his ex-wife and her present husband. They are the focal point of 95% of his social life, the ex-wife and her large extended family. My SO has remained a part of this extended family. They have been divorced about 14 years. She calls him and tells him about family dinners, parties, religious events for her family (they/we are jewish). He has called her “baby” on the phone while I was standing there. Told me when we first started dating that seeing her remarry was a humbling experience due to the fact that he loved her more than anything.

I have about decided that I am not an SO in his life but rather a housekeeper/roommate. I really don’t think I need to stay in the relationship. I love him but enough is enough. I’m at a loss –I am 62 years old and am too old for this kind of crap. He treats me well otherwise. He apologized and I accepted his apology but I just feel like I get more doses of his ex-wife than I care to have. She is a nice woman but controlling and domineering.

****************************

I’m so sorry that this situation is causing you pain and frustration. I can imagine the sting of being called by the name of an SO’s ex-wife. I’m prone to jealousy (though I fight it), so I’d have to summon a lot of strength, and not a little pride, to graciously accept his continuing friendship with his ex and her family.

But if I loved him enough, and if I thought he loved me as much, I’d try. I could probably find ways to work around the social life problem; namely, I’d make sure I had an active social life of my own and work out some compromises about how much time we/I had to spend with the ex. If I truly felt loved and appreciated, I would forgive his slip of the tongue--although I’d not be above hurt feelings and an argument about it first--and eventually accept that this probably wasn’t a reflection of his feelings for me. I conducted an admittedly unscientific poll and found that several of my friends had called their well-loved current partner by an ex’s name (or had been called by the ex’s name).

But reciprocal love would be the key for me. You say you feel like a roommate and housekeeper, who is “treated well.” Is that how you feel most of the time, or did you write that in a moment of frustration? Honestly, if I regularly felt that way in the presence of my partner, it wouldn’t matter whether he addressed me as Goddess and had no ex-wife. I’d have to move on.

I don’t know if I have a jaded or practical view of relationships, but I think all of them require regular and healthy doses of compromise and forgiveness. But two important caveats:

(1) Compromise and forgiveness are extremely hard work, so the relationship has to be worth it.

(2) Compromise and forgiveness have to flow both ways.

Only you can decide whether your relationship is worth the work and whether your guy is worthy of forgiveness. And if you haven't already done so, I think you should find out whether he is willing to compromise on how much time he socializes with the ex. (If he's been divorced for 14 years and still spends 95% of his social life with her and her extended family, he might not be.) You sound like you've already made your decision; if you have, I hope you're feeling that you've done the right thing.

Good luck,
HTT

HTT, I don't like my girlfriend's friends!

Dear HTT,

You give straight-forward and logical advice. I like that you don’t mince words! I’ve got a big problem I hope you can help me with.

I’ve started to become serious about a woman I’ve been dating for six months. Not marriage serious, but maybe move-in serious. She’s great: smart, beautiful, sweet, laughs at my jokes. Really, what more could I ask for? Well, the problem is that I dislike her friends! They’re loud, drama queen types who draw a lot of attention to themselves and need a lot of hand-holding and support from my girlfriend. They’ve known each other forever, and go on and on about people I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t bad people, just annoying. We go out with them about once a month, and I never have fun. What can I do about this? Should I tell my girlfriend how I feel? Or can I subtly suggest that we not spend much time with them?

Like the girl, not the posse



Dear LTGNTP,

Good that you appreciate someone who isn’t a word mincer, because I have to deliver some tough news: your girlfriend comes with her friends, so either find something to like about them or break up with her now.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you haven’t given me much to work with. Under different circumstances, a kinder middle ground might have presented itself. Say, if you disliked only one or two of her friends. Or if you and your gal rarely spent any time alone and hung with her friends several nights a week. Or, if you sounded less pouty that someone besides you was on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s attention, support, and hand-holding. If you’d thrown me any one of these bones, I might have been able to suggest some compromises or strategies for keeping the peace. I’m a peace-keeping expert!

But, come on. You dislike ALL of her friends? You only have to see them once a month? You’ve known your girlfriend for six months, she’s had these friends “forever,” and you think you’ll come out on the winning end of a conversation about how all of her friends are annoying, loud, drama queens? You never know. Maybe she’ll capitulate, in which case, her friends deserve better anyway.

However, I’m going to assume that a woman who has friends she’s known forever has held onto the friends through at least a few other boyfriends. So, I think it’s in your best interest to examine your feelings, stop expecting to be the center of attention, and grow to appreciate, or at least cheerfully tolerate, a few of her friends.

HTT

HTT, how can I tell if he likes me?

Dear HTT,

After living in Raleigh for nearly two years, I recently returned to DC, where I spent my undergraduate years. I never felt at home in North Carolina and I had a hard time meeting people. (I know, I know, I didn’t try very hard and I lived in a soul-less apartment complex that you tried to warn me off of.) Anyway, I’m thrilled to be back in the Capitol and I’ve even started to hang out with a guy I met through work. Just to be clear: we don’t work together, although our paths cross once in a while because our companies do similar stuff. We share some interests and believe me, it’s not easy finding a sci fi geek who likes rock climbing! I’m starting to take a shine to him. He seems to like me, but I’m not sure how much. How can I tell?

16th Street and Loving It


Dear 16th Street,

I have no idea.

Good luck!!!
HTT








No, seriously, can’t I help with a question about finances or parents or bad hair…or bad sex even?

Yours is a situation I’ve found myself in innumerable times. Given my vast experience in the Friend Zone—that iffy territory between “he likes me-likes me” and “he’s just not that into me"—you’d think I’d have it all figured out by now. But you’d be wrong. And judging from the number of heated, hopeful conversations I’ve had with friends, both men and women, about this very topic, I’m not the only one who has trouble reading the signs or lack thereof.

Attempts to figure out one’s status seem to boil down to three key strategies:

• The Band Aid: This is the rip it off and get it over with approach, whereby you take a risk, express your feelings, and hope for the best. Oddly, this approach seems to be favored both by those who are depressingly used to rejection AND by those who have never been turned down for a date in their entire lives. Oh, and by people who have attained an uncommonly robust degree of mental health and resilience. Benefits: saves time, saves friendships (because your friends won’t have to listen to you agonize about him for weeks or months), shows maturity and courage. Drawbacks: potential for humiliation (no matter how short-lived) and awkwardness, cuts into your fantasy life should things not fall out as you hoped.

• The Toe Dip: You know how some people run full throttle into the freezing surf? And then there are the others, who wade in, step by tentative step, splashing a little cold water on their stomach and arms? Well, the Toe Dip is for those people. And if you are one of those people, you continue to hang out with Mr. Star Trek-Rock Climbing Guy, enjoy his company, get to know him more, and see what happens. Benefits: less potential for humiliation; you spend time with someone you like, engaged in activities you both enjoy; if a relationship ever does unfold, it will be based on a solid foundation of friendship. Drawbacks: requires great patience; can cause you to become even more fond of someone who ultimately might not share your ardor; if you and he are both shy Toe Dippers hell could freeze over before you figure out if you’re “just” friends or more than.

• Combination Toe Dip – Band Aid: As you can probably surmise, this approach entails toe dipping until you can’t stand the suspense, and then ripping off the Band Aid once fear of rejection is less agonizing than the wondering.

Believe me, I wish I had a fool-proof answer. But you’ve got to determine what your constitution can handle and what feels right for your situation. I wish for you the courage for the Band Aid AND the patience for the Toe Dip.

Let me know what happens,
HTT

HTT, breaking up is hard to do.

Dear Advice Goddess,

I’ve been dating a woman for several months. She is wonderful. She is smart, cute, funny, mature (i.e., not at all neurotic), and I enjoy doing things with her very much. I also enjoy doing nothing with her. It’s a very comfortable, relaxed relationship. She really has her stuff together. She brings out the best in me. It’s everything anyone could hope for in a relationship, except one thing: sex. The sex just doesn’t work for me.

It isn’t incompatible sex drives. It is the actual act. I just can’t “get there” with her, and I don’t know why. I’ve had to fake it more than once. When was the last time you heard of a guy faking it? She seems to enjoy it. Either that or she is really good at faking it too. She tells me she loves it and that I’m good at it. It’s not just some sort of emotional/mental-holding- myself-back or fear-of-intimacy psychoanalysis stuff. It’s physical incompatibility. I’m old enough that I’ve been around, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. And speaking of old enough, just to make sure I’m not destined to be the next poster boy for Viagra or Cialis, I slept with a few other women recently and it worked great.

You could take the attitude of frustrated married couples everywhere and say, “There is more to a relationship than sex.” True, but was it Nietzsche, or maybe Dr. Phil, who said “When sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship, but when it’s bad it’s 90% of the relationship”?

I know I should tell her the relationship is going nowhere, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I think anyone would feel terrible if told, “You’re great, but the sex is horrible, and practicing isn’t going to make it better,” but that is the situation.

How can I break up with someone so wonderful? I don’t think I can. You know the saying, “Sex is like eating cookies. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good”? I’m here to tell you that’s not true. Have you ever had bad sex? I feel horrible.



Dear Feeling Horrible,

Yikes, this is a tough situation. Speaking from experience, I know how much it sucks to find someone with whom you think you’re compatible in all the important ways, only to learn that there’s one major deal breaker.

Of course there’s more to a relationship than sex. But intimacy is important. I’m not saying we need fireworks every time; but a relationship in which one partner lacks sexual attraction for the other is bound to fail, assuming that both people involved want a sexual relationship. (I knew a couple once who maintained a platonic marriage, but that’s another story.)

You sound pretty sure that this situation cannot be salvaged, but I’m compelled to ask: have you talked to her at all about this? I mean, thank goodness, you don’t seem the sort to declare, “I have to fake it when we have sex,” but have you made suggestions about what trips your trigger? Offered to show her what you like and how you like it? Tried to spice it up in whichever manner works for you both?

And speaking of her, is it possible she’s just not completely comfortable with you yet? Sometimes it takes a while to develop a deep trust, let go of inhibitions, and let the freak flag fly! Also, not to cast aspersions, but are you positive that she’s having as much fun as she lets on? If she thinks things are a little lackluster as well, she might not be giving it her all.

I guess what I’m getting at is I’d hate for you to toss in the towel on a good relationship with a wonderful woman you care about unless you’re sure the sex will not or cannot improve.

If you’ve made up your mind about that, then the question becomes how to break up with her. Right, clearly you can’t be brutally honest. (Funny, some friends and I were just talking about brutal honesty, a discussion sparked by another friend’s email signature, which says: “People who are brutally honest are usually more interested in being brutal than in being honest.")

I don’t have any magic words for you, I’m sorry. Because there is no good way to be broken up with. There’s nothing you can say that isn’t going to hurt her feelings. Well, aside from a bald-faced lie, like, “I’m moving to another country,” “I’m becoming a priest,” or “I’m gay.” (And I think we’ve already established that you’re not.)

If you’re going to break up with her, do it soon. You will upset her, and you'll feel horrible for a while longer. But know that ultimately it’s the right thing. You’re not a terrible person. You deserve a good sex life. And she deserves to be with someone she thrills.

Good luck,
HTT

HTT, I'm fit to be tied!

Dear HTT,

I'm sick of people equating thin with fit! Just because you're a size 4 does not mean you are a triathlete! It means your measurements are such that a size 4 fits you.

I am far from a size 4, but that doesn't mean that I'm not fit. I would pit myself against many punier gals in an arm wrestling challenge, a long uphill hike, or a 20-lap free-style swim race.

But, when a man says he is looking for a "fit" "fun" date on one of those online dating sites -- he doesn't mean my brand of "fit". He means size 4 -- and he's imagining some less ummmm rotund "fun".

How in the world do us fuller-figured gals compete in this thin-centric world?

Not Size 4 in NC



Dear Not a Size 4 (NS4),

Let me be blunt, NS4. If your potential date were really concerned about your “fitness,” he’d bring a blood pressure cuff to y’all’s first meeting at Starbucks.

Actually, according to the Mayo Clinic’s web site, you need the following tools to assess your fitness levels:

• A stopwatch
• A cloth measuring tape
• A yardstick
• Heavy-duty tape
• Someone to assist you with a flexibility test

Granted, it would be extremely creepy if a guy pulled out this bag of tricks mid-latte. And any first-date offers to test my flexibility are likely to be met with a frown and a raised eyebrow. Unless he’s cute and funny, wears cool glasses, and has an above-average vocabulary (a foreign accent couldn’t hurt).

So that’s just silly. But the point is that size (or BMI) is just one of the four fitness tests, the others being aerobic fitness, muscular strength, and flexibility. And I personally have never had a potential date ask me about my pulse or the number of push-ups I’m able to do. What this all comes down to is that yes, I believe you are correct in assuming that when a man says he’s looking for a “fit” woman, he probably means “thin.” Or trim, or petite, or shapely, or height/weight proportionate…you get the picture.

So why do people use the word “fit,” when plenty of other adjectives are more accurate? I think they fear that they sound shallow for being driven by aesthetics. And I used to think they were shallow. But here’s the thing (oh, I love when I can throw that around!), we like what we like. I like what I like. I’m not sure that we can drastically change what we’re attracted to. To an extent, our attractions are shaped by society, and the media, and our upbringing, and our culture, but even if attraction isn’t written into our DNA, it’s pretty hard to buck all that other stuff that shapes our desires.

As a big gal myself, I’ve often wished I were born into a time when the beauty standard leaned a little bit more in my direction. Maybe the pendulum will swing closer to us one of these days. But, in the meantime, how do you compete with your size 4 sisters? Honestly? You don’t. Why beat your head against the wall? If you’re going to try on-line dating, search for the guys who aren’t looking for someone “fit,” no matter how many people you can take in an arm wrestling contest. Look for the men who like a beautiful, active, full-bodied woman! They might make up a smaller slice of the pie, but it's a slice all the same.

Good luck, NS4.

HTT

HTT, my friend is scaring off my dates!

Dear HTT,

I have a friend (who’s newly married) who seems to get in the way of my dating prospects. For example, a co-worker of hers twice told her that he thought I was cute and she told him (and told me later) that I was too old for him.

More recently, I went out with a group of friends including a guy friend of hers that had previously expressed interest in me. He and I had a great time--dancing and laughing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. A few days later, my friend calls me and tells me that she went to visit this guy at work and they talked about the weekend. She relayed the information that this guy likes me but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I never got the impression that these two were close friends, so I'm surprised at the level of detail she went into. She went on to further discourage me by saying he has many other women interested in him and that I "shouldn't chase men."

I am so angry that she had this conversation with him (not to mention the hurtful comments she made to me). So my question is, do I confront her about getting in the middle? Or do nothing and just beware, since she obviously has personal issues that I can't control? I'm afraid that if there is any possibility that this guy and I might date--now or in the future--she will kill it. (Granted, if this guy decided to communicate through her rather than with me directly, that would be another issue. But that remains to be seen.)

Also, there is a chance I'm going to run into this guy this weekend (without her around). Is there a subtle way I can let him know that I don't want to communicate with him through our mutual friend, but would like to stay in touch?
*******************

Your letter got me riled up. Where does this woman get off telling someone you’re too old? And, what in the world---you shouldn’t “chase men”? What is this, Desperate Housewives? “Man chaser” is to “someone who dates” as “unpatriotic” is to “someone who disagrees with the war.”

Working up a good head of steam wasn’t helping me get any clarity on your problem, though, so I made all kinds of flow charts and decision trees in an attempt to sort this out. They were messy and ultimately not very useful. But amid the chicken scratch, one question kept popping up: How good a friend is this?

I was tempted to answer the question myself with a snippy “not very.” But it’s naive to pretend that even good friends can’t be clueless or hurtful once in a while. And if this woman isn’t a best buddy, she might still be someone with whom you’d like to remain friends on some level.

If so, I think you should confront her. Well “confront” may be too confrontational. Ha. Talk to her. I think the whole guy/dating aspect carries too much charge, so rather than accusing her of manipulating your love life, consider emphasizing how her comments have hurt your feelings. This brings the conversation out of the “man chasing” realm, which she obviously has some sort of issue with, and makes it more personal. Can you do that? Make it less about the guys and more about the friendship?

On the other hand, if you’re so fed up with her that future friendship is out of the cards, if you suspect she’s more malicious than clueless, I’d just let it drop. And try to keep your dating life as separate from her as possible. (Probably not a bad thing to do in either scenario.)

Along those lines, if you run into the guy this weekend, do you really have to be all that subtle about your interest? Now, mind you, I’m not often one to go out on a limb in this kind of situation, unfortunately. But in your case, the risk seems low. You’ve already got pretty strong evidence that he likes you, even if it’s not in a long-term-relationship kind of way at this point. Can you say, “Hey, I’d like to keep in touch. Here’s my email/phone number so you don’t have to go though our mutual friend anymore”?

Let me know how it turns out.

HTT