HTT, it's a bitter pill to swallow

Dear HTT,

My boyfriend's parents make a living selling nutritional supplements. Naturally, the family takes these daily supplements and swears by them.

Several months ago, I got a bug and was sick for about a week. My boyfriend sent me some of these supplements to help me get healthy and stay healthy. I thought it was sweet so I took them. For a little while.

I don't like to take vitamins or herbal remedies or anything. It's not that I think they don't work or are harmful or bad in any way. I simply don't want another product added to my daily routine. Basically, if it doesn't prevent pregnancy, pain, or severe misery, then I don't want to take it. I'm healthy and I feel like I get what I need from the food I eat.

So some time passed and my boyfriend gave me a four-month supply of this supplement. I tried to playfully decline it ("Aw, do I have to take my medicine? ... I know this is expensive--you don't have to give me this.") But he insisted and now I don't know what to do.

I feel bad pretending to take it. I feel bad wasting it. I feel bad lying that I'm taking it. (When I last visited his parents, his mother asked me if I were still taking it.) But I do not want to take it. What do I do? Is there a way to tell him I'm not taking it? Or do I continue the charade to avoid offending anyone?

Signed,
No pills


Dear No Pills,

I'm with you. Every once in a while, I make a resolution to take vitamins. I drop a ton of money at Whole Foods or GNC or Vitamin World, and then dutifully take a handful of pills that make me a little nauseous, turn my pee bright yellow, and supposedly ensure that I'll live to be 100. I keep this up for two weeks at most, and then the various amber-colored pill bottles get pushed to the back of the cabinet, only to get tossed years later.

At first I thought it would be easiest to just lie about it. It’s a little white lie, so not very bad in the big scheme of things. Perhaps these pills could be treated like the gaudy holiday sweater Aunt Sadie might have been given you at some point in your life and that you only wear when she’s around. But telling a little fib to spare the feelings of Aunt Sadie, whom you only see twice a year, is a little different than carrying on an on-going charade with your boyfriend and his family.

You say that you already feel badly about pretending and about wasting the supplements, and you’d just feel worse over time. So I think you need to tell your boyfriend what you’ve told me. Assure him that don’t have anything against the supplements, but you’re just not good at adhering to a vitamin-taking regimen, and you’re afraid the pills will go to waste in a dark corner of your cabinet.

If you and your beau are in it for the long haul, this is likely to be just one of many differences between you that you’ll have to negotiate. No time like the present for practicing these sorts of discussions. Easy for me to say, I know. But give him a chance take this news well, to accept you for the healthy, non-vitamin-taking person you are.

Good luck!
HTT

My friend suggested I was smelly!

Dear HTT,

A friend just called to arrange to carpool to a clothes swap tomorrow. She closed by making sure I wasn't planning to go running right beforehand, since she doesn't want to try on clothes someone sweaty has tried on first. I didn't know what to say, so I said I, uh, planned on being clean. Then I hung up and started fuming.

How does one interpret a comment like that? The obvious choices are:

(1) You're always running and you smell; or
(2) You're too dumb to know that you should shower before trying on clothes, so I'm just letting you know.

A reasonable third option might be,
(3) I have an aversion to sweat, and that time I dragged you to the thrift store right after you went running, even though you pointed
out you were all sweaty, actually really grossed me out, but I didn't know how to tell you then, so I've saved that thought for three months and am letting you know indirectly now.

This is a friend who prides herself being "direct" about verbalizing
what she wants.

How does one respond to a comment like that? And how does one explain to an adult that there's a difference between being direct and being tactless? I have enough baggage with this friend already that it's hard to imagine discussing this without pulling out all her dirty socks. So I'd also appreciate advice on how to stay focused on the insult-at-hand rather than generating some new ones.

--Fuming But Not Smelly

P.S. If she ever discovers your website, she's gonna be pissed...


Dear Fuming,

I think the best response would have been something quick and sharp like, “Actually, I was planning to eat a head of raw garlic, run a few miles, and smoke a fat cigar before we went to try on clothes together. Duh.”

You have to consider the source of this comment. She obviously lacks tact, but since I’m feeling charitable, I’ll suggest that she’s probably not aware of how rude she comes across. Perhaps a tart response would jerk her back to the reality of how she sounds to others.

Once, I strutted into work, proud of an electric-blue faux leather jacket I’d found over the weekend. One of my friends gawked at it and declared, “My, you do love a gaudy accessory, don’t you?” I just burst out laughing and thanked my lucky stars that, unlike her, my entire wardrobe didn’t come from the old-lady rack at Talbots!

So, I guess if I were you, I’d just shrug it off, unless these sorts of comments start coming more frequently. If she continues in this manner, the next time she offends you, calmly point it out to her. (You know, use “I” statements and all that jazz.) Try not to pull out every example you have tucked away. But one or two might be helpful to show that your anger is caused by a pattern of rude behavior and isn’t just a factor of you being overly sensitive.


Good luck, thanks for writing, and sorry for the very late response!

HTT

HTT, how do I tell Mom I no longer want her furniture without looking like an ingrate?

Dear HTT,

Years ago my mother gave me a bunch of really nice furniture that was actually the stuff I grew up with in our family's home. It's really nice, walnut veneered, solid REAL furniture -- a large dining room table and chairs, some desks and night stands, and several occasional tables. She even paid to have the pieces refinished for me. It has been fabulous having the furniture, and I am so grateful to have had it.

But, as my decorating taste has evolved over recent years, I find that the furniture just doesn't "work" for me any more. I have plenty of other family hand-me-down dolls, pictures, and various tchotchkes that I have been able to box up in the attic, hoping that someday I'll have a space for them. But, the furniture -- not so easy to shove into a box and stow it away.

I don't want to appear unappreciative, HTT. But I need to figure out how to talk to Mom about my feelings without coming across as an ungrateful brat. She's a great parent in every way, and I wouldn't purposely hurt her feelings for anything in the world. Can you help me figure this out? How can I have the home and furnishings that I want without making my mother feel bad? Or, should I just suck it up and live with the furniture until my mother's gone to the great beyond?

Daughter in Distress


Dear Daughter,

Technically, when someone gives us a gift, it becomes ours to do with as we please. But, sure, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. You quietly exchange the polka CD from Uncle Joe for the newest from Iron and Wine. The giant, feather-covered hair clip your sister-in-law made in her crafting circle? You strategically place it on your dresser before she visits, suggesting that you’d just used it the day before. Nana’s sweatshirt covered with holiday-themed embroidery? Wear it only when you visit your grandmother.

As you point out, however, you can’t just whip out your mother’s dining room table the day before her visit and stow it away once she leaves. So honesty’s the best policy. Unlike the hair clip example, you actually used to like the furniture and got years of good use out of it before your decorating aesthetic evolved. So tell your mother how grateful you are that she gave you the furniture and about how you enjoyed it all this time. But explain that your taste has changed and that you have the opportunity to buy some new furniture that now suits you better. Offer to return the furniture to her, and take responsibility for moving it back.

Chances are, your mother will understand. She’s probably redecorated her home several times over the years (like, after she gave you the walnut-veneered furniture you’re currently feeling guilty about), so surely she’ll empathize with your desire for something new.

Good luck!
HTT

HTT, in the middle of an argument, my boyfriend asked me if it was "that time of the month"!

Dear HTT,

I need your help. In the midst of an argument, my boyfriend committed a cardinal sin. This is a man who is normally very kind, supportive, and understanding. This *event* might have been a minor lapse in judgment. However, I'm still pretty steamed over it -- so I need your help to figure out, objectively, if I am overreacting!

OK -- here was the situation. He and I started to have a disagreement about something that he felt was trivial. The fact that he thought the issue was trivial caused this disagreement to blow up into a full ARGUMENT. At this point in the argument, I'm feeling really frustrated that he appeared to have a complete lack of regard for something that I felt was very important. So, we go 'round and 'round... things are getting really heated... he still thinks this whole thing is ridiculous... when he says, "What time of the month is it?" OHHHHH let me tell you, I was NOT amused. I flew off the handle. What started as frustration because he wasn't giving as much care to an issue that *I* felt was important - became anger that he overtly stated that I was irrational for even feeling upset in the first place. Like I said, he's normally very kind and supportive. What he said really shocked me. Is he secretly a real jerk?

Am I overreacting? What should I do?

Signed,

Not Laughing


Dear Not Laughing,

At first, this line of questioning struck me as extremely sexist. If a woman and a man disagree about something, what makes it o.k. to assume the only cause of the disagreement is the woman’s hormonal state? Why can’t it simply be because the man is wrong? I mean, having a period is not the same as having a botched lobotomy. And I don’t know any women who, when arguing with a man, say something like, “Oh you just can’t think straight because you’re still distraught over your failure to achieve an erection last night.” Or, “honey, your sensitivity about your ever-growing bald spot is really clouding your judgment.”

But then, to be fair, I’m also willing to admit that some of us (and by “us” I mean some of womankind in general…certainly not me) do become a little emotional, a little hair-trigger-tempered when Aunt Dot comes to town.

So, for the sake of argument, let’s even say your hormones did rear their heads that day. Still, even if your boyfriend guessed correctly, did he actually gain anything by smugly mentioning it? Clearly not; you became more enraged.

So, guys, a tip from me to you: pulling the “is it THAT time of the month?” card will never help you win an argument. I’ll bet that no woman in the history of menstruation has ever, when confronted with that question in the middle of a heated discussion, responded, “Gee, you’re right honey, I’m just being totally irrational because my hormones are screwing with my head and my entire torso is wracked with cramps. Don’t even bother paying attention to my opinions for another four days.”

Now, men, if the woman in your life does suffer from mood swings when her period rolls around, and if you choose to track her cycle clandestinely for your own well being (or, better yet, to avoid arguments and to remember to bring home chocolate and red wine), feel free to do so. But mention it at your peril. And remember, just because we’re crabby doesn’t mean we’re wrong.

Yours truly,
HTT

HTT, traffic blows! How can I cope?

Dear HTT,

I'm writing to see if you can send an APB to all of my fellow Triangle residents. Please let them know that when you see an upside down yellow triangle with the words YIELD on it, it does not mean that you must stop. If it was a red octagon, then yes, stopping would be appropriate.

I'm simply fed up with trying to get on the Durham freeway or 40 and having some schmuck- because they ran out of pavement- stop on the freakin on ramp! People, either you slow down or speed up, please don't stop on the on ramp- its dangerous! And if you’re on the lane that the person needs to merge on- slow down, speed up or change lanes- let them in people! For the love of all that is Holy!!!

But my real beef is with a specific Triangle traveler today. I was trying to get off 540 onto 40 this afternoon and I'm one lane away from the exit lane when my fellow traveler, ahead of me, slams on her brakes. I suspect she did this because she couldn't find a way to get onto the off ramp- so she slammed on her brakes to see if she could get on. Not only is this dangerous, it’s extremely non-conforming to the rules of the road. In this situation, one puts one’s signal on (showing intent) then merges into the lane- okay? - one does not slam on the brakes or stop to smell roses. Because if you did that, you would have a wave of rush hour traffic bearing down upon you at 70 plus miles an hour!

So then, (hopefully I'm not boring you), I'm finally merging onto 40 and I look in the mirror to see if I can merge when lo and behold someone behind me is merging into traffic from 540 way before the dotted lines appear…i.e., cutting right into high-speed travelers. I mean I saw cars swerving to get out of the way to stop an accident from happening. I shook my head and looked in rear view again. Who could it be except the same rider who gave me trouble on 540 previously.

Sorry to rant and not ask for advice- but if I may be so bold and venture my own advice- get off the damn cell phone, watch where you’re going, and please, please don't stop on the on ramp when you’re getting on the freeway.

Zorro


Dear Zorro,

You’re lucky to be alive!

Yes, I think we can all agree that many people on the road simply don’t know how to drive. Oh, sure, they can operate a car, but should they? I myself had two near misses on a recent drive to Atlanta (to see Crowded House, who were fantastic by the way). Both times, people attempted to move into my lane without even looking. I had to swerve to avoid them and was lucky not to hit the median or another driver.

And let me tell you: the horn on a Suzuki Reno does not inspire fear or awe in other drivers. It’s got this tinny “meep meep” like the Roadrunner, which is sort of cute if you’re tooting your horn outside a friend’s house, but straight-up embarrassing if you’re trying to go Medusa on some jerk talking on his cell phone in the Escalade that almost ran you over. Even my road trip companion burst out laughing the first time she heard me beep. “Whoa, watch out,” she said, ostensibly to the other drivers but really mocking me. “She’s really mad now. If you know what's good for you, you won't get in HER way.”

But I digress. See how traffic makes us hot under the collar? Even just in the retelling two weeks later? You offer some excellent advice, although I think you’re giving me too much credit if you think that publishing it here is going to reach a wide spectrum of the Triangle! And although you didn’t technically ask for advice, I have some. Are you shocked?

So how do you deal with bad drivers and horrible traffic? Obviously, you can’t just stay off the roads, at least not in these parts where public transportation options are so limited. It sounds like you already employ excellent defensive driving skills. So, you might try one of the following:

• Deep breathing: Sounds corny, but it really works for me, unless I’m PMS-ing, in which case, Katy bar the door. Then, in the throes of moodiness, migraines, and cramps, my NJ roots begin to show, and certain fingers get waved and curses uttered. I’m not proud of it. Just being honest.
• Good music: If I’m singing along to a great song, I’m far less likely to be bothered by idiot drivers, at least in situations where my life isn’t endangered.
• Smugness: When someone zooms past me at 90 mph, I just gloat about how much more they must spend on gas. And about how I am in no hurry to get to work, so clearly I have my life priorities in order while they clearly don’t.
• Calling 911 or *HP: Oh, I’m like Gomer Pile doing a citizen’s arrest! I’ll call the police at the drop of a hat and rat out someone driving erratically (aka, possibly drunk). Granted, this doesn’t work for your typical one-off stupid move, but it makes me feel better. And isn’t that what we’re talking about here? Not losing your mind (or life) on the highway.
• Refraining from tailgating: The surest way to remain in a Buddha-like state of calm is to try to keep as much distance as possible between you and everyone else. I know, sometimes easier said than done, but try it when you can.

Let’s all be careful out there!

HTT

I stared at a guy's hook and I feel terrible!

Dear HTT,

This might just be too offensive or politically incorrect to address, but I think this might be an issue for others and I'm hoping that asking this question (semi) publicly might make us all feel a little better.

Last weekend, as I was approaching the door to enter a restaurant, a couple with small child was coming out. I reached out to catch the door as the man held it open for me when I noticed (not too subtly I'm sure) that he had a prosthetic hand. More specifically, a hook. Now, I'm an adult with good manners and I'm a healthcare professional. I know it is rude to stare. But you know how people who survive a car crash describe the whole thing as seeming to last for several minutes when in reality it only lasted a couple of seconds? That's how it felt for me. Here's how it went: I look at the hook, my mind processes, "Is that a hook? Hmmm... That is a hook. I knew someone with a hook once, I wonder what ever happened to Syd... Oh my god. I think I'm staring, did he notice?" I glance up, make immediate, accidental and very uncomfortable eye contact then say, with a pitiful look (as in with "a look full of pity"), "Hey... How are you?" He smiles back and nods and we keep going our separate ways. Basically I got busted staring at a guy with a hook.

Uhhggghhh! I have thought about those few seconds and winced with embarrassment countless times since it happened. I'm trying to figure out why it was so awkward and why I still feel so guilty. Is it as simple as seeing something outside the norm and my brain taking a few extra seconds to process? Isn't it normal to take few extra seconds to process what you're not accustomed to seeing? It's not as though there was any judgment involved or fear or revulsion. But what if he thought there was? Am I just an insensitive clod? Isn't honest curiosity or extra processing allowed? What do you think?

Signed,
Red-faced



Dear Red-faced,

You are not an insensitive clod. The fact that you’ve written this letter, the fact that you’re still cringing with embarrassment days after this incident, these things tell me that you are not a boor.

Yes, I do think the brain does a little hiccup of sorts when faced with something visually jarring. And unless one comes into regular contact with someone who has a similar prosthesis, a hook in the place of a hand will strike most of us as unusual. It is, in fact, not usual. So your description of your thought process makes perfect sense to me. Your brain is a wonderful thing! Even though it felt like minutes, your brain needed just a few extra microseconds to make sense of the hook. It then helpfully fired up some synapses and pulled out a memory of someone you know who also has one, thereby attempting to normalize that which is not normal in your day-to-day life.

Having established that your reaction is probably pretty typical, let’s talk about why you feel so badly about it. I think shame rears its head if we believe we’ve been caught in the act of pitying, not simply looking. Plus, as you allude to, we’ve had it drummed into our heads that staring is rude—and that staring at someone with a disability is super rude. So with all this conditioning, your tiny slip-up felt enormous, which only made your interaction all the more uncomfortable. Imagine if you hadn’t instantaneously felt like you’d broken a social taboo, done the unthinkable…maybe you’d have stared at his hook for a moment, then simply looked up and smiled.

A quick side story: I have a friend—I’ll call her Jane—who used to live in New York City. Every day, she faced a long subway commute. She hated it. She grew more embittered with each trek. She hated the smell, the noise, the heat, rude people pushing and shoving. Most of all she hated people who did not follow the cardinal rule of escalators: you can stand on the right, but you must walk on the left. One day, in a hurry to catch the train, she got caught behind a woman planted on the left side of the down escalator. The more Jane huffed and muttered, the more this woman clung steadfastly to the handrail. Finally, Jane found an opportunity to pass on the right. As she did, she flashed the woman a look that could kill, which then prompted the woman to cry out, “I can’t help it that I only have one arm.” And she did. A left one. You know what my friend did? She laughed! At herself, at the situation, at her mistake. Then she apologized for being rude, but no more profusely than she would have to anyone else she might have sassed on her flight down the escalator stairs. The woman accepted, and my friend dashed off for the train. End of story, no lasting guilt or trauma.

My point is not that we should laugh at the disabled. I am not advocating gawking at people with hooks. We should do our best not to be rude to anyone, but don’t assume that the disabled are more delicate in the self-esteem department than the rest of us.

You’re human. Forgive yourself. It sounds as if he did. He smiled at you, said hello, and moved on.

Thanks for writing!
HTT

A sort-of-crazy woman works with my kid. Should I talk to her boss?

Dear HTT,

My job involves interacting with a good number of volunteers. While most of these volunteers are lovely people invested in being helpful, one is so difficult to get along with that many of us suspect she has a borderline personality disorder. In person, she's more or less OK, if whiny; but in the 2,000-word passive-aggressive vitriolic e-mails she sends out at 4am, she complains of offenses against her, tosses out unpredictable insults, and threatens to remove herself forever from our workplace in a "goodbye cruel workplace" sort of way. Pretty much everyone is aware of her dysfunction, and frankly, more than a few of us would be happy to see her move on; but since the nonprofit I work for is in a rehab business of sorts, our jobs include letting her volunteer and helping her feel safe. We're all well practiced at turning the other cheek, and we're developing strategies for not getting emotionally punched out every time.

My problem isn't my workplace, where she's a volunteer, but her workplace, where she's a tenured employee who comes in contact with many children, including mine. As I wrote before, she seems OK in person, but it's those split-personality e-mails that have me worried, especially because I seem to be a convenient focus for much of her anger at the world (though others who receive messages from her also report being foci). In person, she doesn't seem like she'd take out her anger at me on my child, but I wouldn't put anything past her e-mail persona. Recognizing that she's likely only to be in occasional in-person contact with my child, should I nonetheless speak to her supervisor to request that she not be allowed to be alone with my child? I imagine her boss also knows about her idiosyncrasies, and I don't want to get her in trouble--I suspect she does her job pretty well, even if she bombs as a volunteer--but I also want to feel that my child is safe.

Sincerely,--What Would HTT Do?

Dear WWHTTD?

If you have any qualms about your child’s comfort and safety, you should talk to the woman's supervisor. But before you request that she not be allowed alone with your child—a request which is, let’s face it, an implicit accusation—why don’t you first simply express your concerns, calmly present what you know about this woman’s behavior, and see what the supervisor has to say? Phrase it just as you have here: “I don’t mean to get Ms. X in trouble. I suspect she does her job well, but I have witnessed some troubling behavior at her volunteer gig and I want to make sure there isn’t any spillover in her work with my child.”

It’s possible her boss will be able to put your fears to rest in any number of ways. If not, then ask that your child not be left alone in her care. If there’s only the occasional opportunity that he would be anyway, it’s not like you’re demanding any major changes or concessions.

You don’t want any niggling fears about your child’s well being, especially when this is one of the few situations in his life over which you’ll have some control. It’s good of you to turn the other cheek on this woman’s semi-abusive volunteer behavior, but I don’t think you need to be as tolerant while your kid is in her care.

Good luck!
HTT

I don't want my picture posted on my friend's web site. Am I a privacy nut?

Dear HTT,

A friend of mine keeps a personal website with tons of personal information posted. I, on the other hand, am an extremely private person who doesn't want anything personal posted anywhere.

My friend and I travel together and he posts photos from our trips. That's always been fine with me because he used an online service that
required an email invitation or password to view the photos and it was
nice to share among friends. Now he's switched to a different service that allows anyone anywhere to view our photos. Granted, not many people out of our circle of friends visit his website and wouldn't have a direct link to his photo album. And I doubt strangers would look at another stranger's vacation photos. But they are out there and I feel very uncomfortable with it.

I realize that I am a little nutty about personal privacy, so that's why I need your advice. Am I being too nutty? And how offensive is it for me to ask him to password-protect his online photo album?


Dear Private,

You might be asking the wrong person, since I put personal anecdotes out there all the time and practically beg people to read them!

Then again, self-centered though this may be, I mostly only talk about myself in my personal posts. When I do mention friends, I don’t give their names, and sometimes I change details about them to protect the innocent. I think I’ve posted only one picture of a friend, and I asked her first if she minded. (She didn’t.) I have talked about family, but only in general terms, not naming any names.

So, no, I don’t think you’re being irrationally protective of your privacy. In my case, vanity would be an even bigger issue. I wouldn’t necessarily want the whole world to have access to a picture of me, say, climbing on horse when I was in Costa Rica. (I wasn’t exactly nimble at it.) And I’m sure people have plenty of other unflattering pictures of me that I’d rather were kept in a drawer somewhere, in the old-school manner of photo storage before it was easy to dump all 500 vacation pictures on a web site.

But, whatever the reason, be it privacy or vanity, I don’t think you’re being nutty. I don’t know the ins and outs of all the picture-posting options out there, but just the other day my brother was extolling the virtues of a site that lets you password protect some albums and not others, easily. So, given that you don’t need to be some kind of web programming genius to do it, I think it wouldn’t hurt to ask your friend to install some kind of privacy feature on his pages. Or, at least, to take down the pictures of you.

Take care,
HTT

HTT: How do I tip a curbside delivery person?

Dear HTT,

This is more of a 'modern etiquette' question than a 'life, love, and the pursuit of happiness' question, but here goes... I know how much to tip waiters/waitresses in a restaurant: 15% of the check is traditional, and in the New York metro area 18-20% seems reasonable. (I assume such an amount is reasonable in most North American metropolitan areas.)

I would always rather over-tip than under-tip. I figure that anyone who's waiting tables for a living is working harder than I've ever had to work, and I know that person is counting on my tip as part of his/her salary. So unless the service has been really bad, I tip 20%.

But what about when those same waiters/waitresses deliver take-out food to the 'Curbside To Go' (or "Curbstyle To Go' or whatever cutesy name the chain restaurant uses) parking spots? Surely some sort of tip is in order, but since the waitperson hasn't taken my order, answered my questions, delivered my food, cleared away the dirty dishes, and refilled my coffee, 18-20% seems a little steep. What do you think is appropriate?

*********************

I’ve never taken advantage of curbside delivery, so I did a little Web research. Let’s just say, as is often the case when you ask the entire world of web-posters for advice, opinions vary. In fact, I ran into a number of long and heated threads about this issue.

I agree that 18 to 20 percent seems over the top. As you point out, the person who brings food to your car doesn't have to do nearly the amount of work that someone who waits on your table throughout an entire meal does.

Some argue that the curbside delivery person makes the same lousy salary as tableside waitstaff and, hence, should be tipped equally. However, I would imagine that curbside folks can serve far more customers per hour, so they might get smaller tips but more of them.

From what I can tell, tips for curbside delivery range from nothing (which I do not advocate), to $1-$2 per bag of food delivered, to 10 percent of the bill.

I’d probably lean toward 10 percent, but my decision might also be affected by the following factors:

• Did they get my order right?
• Was service relatively quick and friendly?
• Am I a regular at this establishment?
• How’s the weather?
• Would an extra buck or two kill me?

I’d be curious to see what others think.

Thanks for writing!
HTT

HTT, I don't like someone my husband works with, and she wants to be my friend.

Dear HTT:

I am very good friends with the wife of one of my husband’s colleagues. The guys don’t really work together, but they’re both in the same division of the company, they know and like each other, and introduced me and Madeline at a Christmas party hosted by another colleague a few years ago. Madeline and I have a lot in common and have hit it off.

Madeline’s husband has an ex-wife who also works with the guys in the same division of the company, in the same branch as my husband. My husband doesn’t know the ex-wife too well, but says she’s nice and she’s friend with my husband’s boss because their kids all attend the same small private school. I met the ex-wife a few months ago at an office Christmas party. She did seem nice, but kind of weird also--she raved about a pie I made two years earlier for an office pot luck, telling me what a great cook I was to the point that I was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was overdone. I’ve since seen her at a few functions hosted by my husband’s boss. We have polite exchanges and that’s about it. I still think she’s weird.

Lately, the ex-wife has started aggressively pursuing contact with me through my husband. She dropped by his office recently to give him a copy of “Pomegranate Soup” which she wanted him to pass along to me. She thought I’d like it because the novel includes recipes. Today she approached my husband and told him she wanted to get to know me better, she wanted to have lunch with me, and asked my husband what my schedule will be over the next few weeks so she could call and set something up.

My friend Madeline has never met the ex-wife. Apparently the divorce was amicable, but they aren’t friends and have no contact. The ex-wife married a guy that works in another division. Despite all these damn work-related social functions, I’ve never seen the two couples at the same party let alone in the same room.

The ex-wife told my husband today that she was going to call me to set up a lunch date. I’m really not interested--her interest in me seems out of place given what little we know about each other plus I see potential for awkwardness given that I am close to her ex-husband’s wife. I honestly don’t know if the ex-wife is aware of my friendship with Madeline, it is very possible she doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is she would want to know (I would if I were in her shoes).

What would you do in this situation? What could I tactfully say to get out of going to lunch yet not burn a bridge (given all these work-related social events)?

Too Many Wives


Dear Too Many,

Oh what tangled webs and all that. To be honest, this situation befuddled me to such an extent that I’ve put off answering your question, while waiting to be struck by a flash of brilliance. Sadly, no such flash has occurred, but I will procrastinate no longer.

To start, let me try to break this down to the basics:

1. You like Madeline.
2. You’re not crazy about Madeline’s husband’s ex-wife, whom, for the sake of space, I’ll call “Jane.” (Although I can understand why it might be awkward to befriend Jane, I’m not really clear why you object to her personally. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ll take your word for it.)
3. Your husband works with Jane, albeit it not closely.
4. Jane is friendly with your husband’s boss.

It would be easy for me to say that life is too short to spend your free time with people you don’t particularly like. And while I whole-heartedly believe that, I’m not naive. I understand the exigencies of a social life that revolves, at least in part, around your husband’s colleagues. I’m guessing that because of the interconnectedness of this group and the variety of functions at which you’re likely to bump into all involved, you have to make nice.

First, yes, I would tell Jane that you’re friends with Madeline. Just say something like, “I wasn’t sure if you already knew, but I wanted to clear the air. I hope my relationship with Madeline doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.” If you’re lucky, it will and Jane will decide on her own that a friendship with you would just be too odd.

Or, depending on what Jane’s like, you might be able to get away with claiming awkwardness as a reason for not pursing a friendship with her. If you think she would see the logic in that and not take it personally, you could avoid burning that bridge.

If not, then, you’re left with figuring out how to be polite to Jane—since she works with your husband, is friends with his boss, and will likely see you at future social gatherings—while encouraging as little social interaction as possible. Can you say yes to an occasional lunch or coffee date, but turn down her invitations more often than not, pleading a hectic schedule? I imagine that she would eventually give up. I hate to admit that I’ve taken this very tack in several similar circumstances. I warn you that this isn’t the sort of behavior that will make you feel good about yourself. But short of saying, “I don’t like you very much and would rather not spend time with you,” I can’t think of a way other than the passive avoidance I’m recommending here.

Perhaps by now you’ve already got this conundrum all worked out and, if so, I’d love to hear how you managed!

Best,
HTT

HTT, my doctor is sick...can I send a card?

I've been going to the same doctor for about seven years and I really like him as a person. I had an appointment with him yesterday for the first time in about a year and he has cancer. He didn't say anything, but when he walked in the room I knew. He was so thin and had the look of someone in the middle of chemotherapy. It shocked me and broke my heart. Once he left the room, the nurse confirmed my suspicions and said that he is very sick and doesn't work very much anymore. He's not old and was a very active man.

I want to acknowledge his illness and let him know I'm thinking about him. Is it inappropriate for me (a patient) to send him a card? Is it an inappropriate thing to do in general?

*******************

I think it’s rarely inappropriate to show care and compassion. I would send the card.

There is a chance your doctor would prefer his illness were a private matter, but his obvious poor health coupled with acknowledgment of such from the nurse lead me to believe he’s probably accepted the idea that people know.

You’ve liked him for seven years. You are saddened that he’s sick. Go ahead and send the card.

HTT

HTT, am I just grumpy?

Dear HTT,

Can you tell me if I have a valid complaint or if I'm just being grumpy and need to lighten up?

I have a certain circle of friends that, over the years, has grown quite large. There is a core group of us "regulars" and some others that might join us once in a blue moon. We get together about six times a year and have a great time. Since the people in this group are spread out all over the state, there are lots of logistics involved in planning our get-togethers and we do a lot of emailing to figure out when, where, whose bringing what, where do we meet, etc.

Recently, a guy in the group set up a listserv to facilitate the planning. It's set up so everyone gets all the emails. And therein lies the rub--we all get all the emails and there are gobs of it. Gobs. Beyond the actual planning of the event, there are side conversations, lots of teasing and joking, multiple responses to the teasing, harassment to those who can't make it ... and on and on. There are two or three people that are the main contributors to this and they enjoy the email banter. I can't stand it. The emails have become more of an event than the get-together and, for some reason, it really gets under my skin. I know it's easy to just press delete. But I don't want to see most of these emails at all. I just want to know where and when we're going and show up with whatever I need to bring.

So here's the thing--I never signed up for the listserv because I didn't want all the emails. My problem was solved. But yesterday I got added to the list by a friend who thought he was doing me a favor, like "You forgot to sign up so I did it for you." And immediately the flurry of emails filled my mailbox and I began to seethe. Should I reply to my friend that I deliberately didn't sign up and ask to be removed? Or just suck it up and press delete?

signed,
e-nnoyed


Dear e-nnoyed,

You might be grumpy, but not without cause!

Your friend breached email etiquette when he signed you up for the list without asking for your permission. I’m not saying it’s the most egregious cyber crime I’ve ever heard of, but you do have every right to be annoyed. Especially because you practiced restraint and good manners by staying out of the fray and off the list, rather than grousing to everyone about how many emails the listserv generates and how frequently people wander off topic.

Yes, if I were you, I’d ask to be removed. Sure, pressing the delete key doesn’t take that much energy, but sorting through tons of emails that you didn’t ask to receive will only irritate you more and more over time.

That being said, how will you learn about plans for the next get-together? Are group dynamics such that you’re expected to help arrange these activities, or are you under no pressure to participate in the planning? If you eventually feel the need to join the listserv in order to give your two cents about location and logistics, consider suggesting some sort of labels for email subject lines. Nothing too complicated, maybe just “Trip plans” and “Other.” At least that way, it’ll be easy to delete the casual banter and read only the emails that apply to main event.

(And besides, you want to save some on-line time to read HTT!)

HTT