Dear HTT,
A couple of weeks ago, a woman named L started working in the same department I work in. We've had some friendly conversations, have found several points of common interest, and seemed to get along well. I found out she had a boyfriend, but in our conversations she never referenced him, which I notice women tend to do when they want to let you know they're not available. The only reference came last week when she mentioned she had "been dating this guy, but he's an a$$," so they split up. She came back to work after her shift last week to go over some things (this is when she mentioned splitting up), then invited me to meet her and some friends out for drinks. I joined them, and had a nice time, and was invited by L's friend to attend a party the following night. I showed up the next night, had a great time, got to hang with L and meet more of her friends, and generally enjoyed myself. As I was saying goodbyes at the end of the night, L gave me a noticeably full hug, and told me she was glad to have a work-friend. I asked her (our arms still around each other) if I should then NOT have a crush on her, because "I can be your work friend, but I could also easily crush on you." L told me she was a wait-and-see person, and we smiled and said good night.
So, did I just give her too much info? Would it have been better to have just kept it to myself and wait-and-see? There are all these things that would be great about dating her, but then again, I work with her! I've always been one to think (and observe) that work relationships are bad news. Also, I'm in the midst of a time in my life when I question whether I should even BE dating! I'm letting the issue rest there unless she brings it up. I get along really well with just about everyone I work with, and L is no exception. As far as the crushing, I can keep it pretty compartmentalized... That is, if I don't have a few cocktails in me, which won't be an issue at work.
Was it OK to let her know? I wanted to put it out there so she could know where she stands, I guess: if she keeps inviting me out and giving me full body hugs, she's gonna' fan the flames. If she just keeps the friendship relegated to work and sees that I'm not stalker-material, she can be comfortable knowing that we can be friends, and a crush is often just a crush...
Signed,
Don't Want To Creep Her Out
Dear Don’t Want to be Creepy,
I might not have confessed my feelings so early in the relationship, but then again, I’m a bit of a chicken in these matters. (See my description of toe-dipping.) I rather envy you your chutzpuh. You handled your disclosure exceedingly well: you were sweet and light-hearted about it, and you seem to be going into this with the right attitude. That is, you’re not love-sick and moony but rather a bit more devil-may-care. If I were this girl, I’d be flattered and, even if I didn’t share your feelings, I wouldn’t be at all creeped out by you. As long as you are true to your word and don’t start stalking her or acting mopey at work if your feelings aren’t reciprocated.
It’s been a few weeks since you wrote—sorry, I’m still in slacker mode—and I’m curious how things have progressed. From your description of events, it’s hard to tell whether she was behaving in a friendly or flirty manner, although, personally, I don’t tend to give long, full-body hugs to my guy pals. Especially not guys I work with. So, if you’ve read her wrong, I wouldn’t take it too hard or start to question your own judgment.
If you get a chance, let me know where things stand.
Happy New Year!
HTT
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
What do you call a man who has oral sex with another man?
Dear HTT,
I've had this question forever. I'm a practicing hetero male in the Triangle. I'm wondering if a male receives oral sex from another male, does that make him gay? In light of the current revelations about the Senator from Idaho who claims he's not gay, but nonetheless has taken part in some less than straight illegal behavior, and who claims not to be gay, would I be gay, had I engaged in such behavior.
Keep up the good work,
Your fan in Triangle
Zorro
Dear Zorro,
I don’t think that having oral sex with a man necessarily means that Sen. Craig, or anyone else for that matter, is gay. But he sure isn’t straight, either.
Labels are so limiting, aren’t they? I buy into Kinsey’s theory of sexuality. He said
I mean, please. He voted to deny gay men and lesbians the right to marry, claiming that the "sanctity of marriage" could be upheld only between a woman and a man, and all the while he's trying to cheat on his wife and hook up in a public bathroom? Yeesh.
Thanks for the question and for being such a loyal reader!
HTT
I've had this question forever. I'm a practicing hetero male in the Triangle. I'm wondering if a male receives oral sex from another male, does that make him gay? In light of the current revelations about the Senator from Idaho who claims he's not gay, but nonetheless has taken part in some less than straight illegal behavior, and who claims not to be gay, would I be gay, had I engaged in such behavior.
Keep up the good work,
Your fan in Triangle
Zorro
Dear Zorro,
I don’t think that having oral sex with a man necessarily means that Sen. Craig, or anyone else for that matter, is gay. But he sure isn’t straight, either.
Labels are so limiting, aren’t they? I buy into Kinsey’s theory of sexuality. He said
Males [and he came to feel this way about women, too, eventually] do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.
While emphasizing the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history... An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life.... A seven-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist.
- 0--Exclusively heterosexual
- 1--Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
- 2--Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
- 3--Equally heterosexual and homosexual
- 4--Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
- 5--Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
- 6--Exclusively homosexual
- X--Asexual
I mean, please. He voted to deny gay men and lesbians the right to marry, claiming that the "sanctity of marriage" could be upheld only between a woman and a man, and all the while he's trying to cheat on his wife and hook up in a public bathroom? Yeesh.
Thanks for the question and for being such a loyal reader!
HTT
Monday, August 13, 2007
How will reclaiming my virginity affect me in the romance department?
Dear HTT,
I'm a divorced woman who wishes to 'reclaim her virginity' (i.e., be sexually abstinent, as younger women in HIV-prevalent settings are being urged to do to protect their health). Do you think that will affect my romantic prospects, and if so, how? Reclaiming one's virginity might be seen as akin to "detailing and garaging/protecting one's car" for a time before putting it on the market. Though used, it feels rather new. Also, in this day and age, maybe virgins -- of whatever age, pure or reclaimed -- are a refreshing, albeit puzzling novelty.
What do you think?
*************************
Dear Virgin Wannabe,
If you think reclaiming your virginity is a simple matter of announcing your abstinence and beating back suitors, you are mistaken my friend. Thanks to Google, I came across The Society for the Recapture of Virginity, which, FOR NO MONEY DOWN, assists you in the complex process of revirgination.
Three not-so-simple steps:
First you enter some information into the VRS 3000, a “state-of-the-art software which takes in factual information from the non-virgin, performs complex, rigorous calculations, and through a process called virgination, finds the algorithm needed to restore your virginity.” According to the site, “a group of highly skilled scientists set out on a multi-million dollar research study that eventually led to a breakthrough in the understanding of virginity.”
Next, based on the number crunching done by the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. “This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves that adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!”
(How do you know it works, you ask? Easy. According to the web site, “You will know.” Period.)
Finally, you will receive a certificate with your name on it (emphasis not mine) to prove that you have been reflowered.
I suspect (desperately hope) the creators of this site are pulling our legs, and kudos to them for making me nearly shoot coffee out of my nose. But all joking aside, your question about how this second virginity business might affect your romantic prospects deserves some serious discussion.
Are you looking at the process as one of detailing/garaging before going back on the market sometime soon? I mean, after all, you mention reclaiming virginity, not adopting life-long celibacy. And being a virgin means that you haven’t had sex yet, not that you intend on never having it. Given that, I think many men will view your revirginization with great enthusiasm.
First, you’re the best of both worlds: you do actually have sexual experience (I’m assuming), but of late you are pure. You’re the Madonna and the whore all in one person! (Um…I don’t mean you’re a whore. That didn’t come out right.) Second, lots of men love a challenge. You might very well be wined and dined and showered with flowers and candy by men with amorous intentions.
Now if don't plan to re-enter the market in the foreseeable future, I think you should make your parameters clear to any potential suitors. Are you wishing to remain a new virgin for a certain length of time? Until you fall deeply in love? What’s the purpose of your new-found virginity? Do you crave emotional, platonic relationships with men and don’t want sex to get in the way? I think a guy’s got a right to know, particularly if he is sincere and kind and not just looking for a booty call.
I’ll be curious to see how this situation unfolds!
Best,
HTT
I'm a divorced woman who wishes to 'reclaim her virginity' (i.e., be sexually abstinent, as younger women in HIV-prevalent settings are being urged to do to protect their health). Do you think that will affect my romantic prospects, and if so, how? Reclaiming one's virginity might be seen as akin to "detailing and garaging/protecting one's car" for a time before putting it on the market. Though used, it feels rather new. Also, in this day and age, maybe virgins -- of whatever age, pure or reclaimed -- are a refreshing, albeit puzzling novelty.
What do you think?
*************************
Dear Virgin Wannabe,
If you think reclaiming your virginity is a simple matter of announcing your abstinence and beating back suitors, you are mistaken my friend. Thanks to Google, I came across The Society for the Recapture of Virginity, which, FOR NO MONEY DOWN, assists you in the complex process of revirgination.
Three not-so-simple steps:
First you enter some information into the VRS 3000, a “state-of-the-art software which takes in factual information from the non-virgin, performs complex, rigorous calculations, and through a process called virgination, finds the algorithm needed to restore your virginity.” According to the site, “a group of highly skilled scientists set out on a multi-million dollar research study that eventually led to a breakthrough in the understanding of virginity.”
Next, based on the number crunching done by the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. “This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves that adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!”(How do you know it works, you ask? Easy. According to the web site, “You will know.” Period.)
Finally, you will receive a certificate with your name on it (emphasis not mine) to prove that you have been reflowered.
I suspect (desperately hope) the creators of this site are pulling our legs, and kudos to them for making me nearly shoot coffee out of my nose. But all joking aside, your question about how this second virginity business might affect your romantic prospects deserves some serious discussion.
Are you looking at the process as one of detailing/garaging before going back on the market sometime soon? I mean, after all, you mention reclaiming virginity, not adopting life-long celibacy. And being a virgin means that you haven’t had sex yet, not that you intend on never having it. Given that, I think many men will view your revirginization with great enthusiasm.
First, you’re the best of both worlds: you do actually have sexual experience (I’m assuming), but of late you are pure. You’re the Madonna and the whore all in one person! (Um…I don’t mean you’re a whore. That didn’t come out right.) Second, lots of men love a challenge. You might very well be wined and dined and showered with flowers and candy by men with amorous intentions.
Now if don't plan to re-enter the market in the foreseeable future, I think you should make your parameters clear to any potential suitors. Are you wishing to remain a new virgin for a certain length of time? Until you fall deeply in love? What’s the purpose of your new-found virginity? Do you crave emotional, platonic relationships with men and don’t want sex to get in the way? I think a guy’s got a right to know, particularly if he is sincere and kind and not just looking for a booty call.
I’ll be curious to see how this situation unfolds!
Best,
HTT
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I think my friend's ex-wife cheated on him. What should I do?
Dear HTT,
I have friends who divorced last year. I got to know them together, and the man is a good friend of my SO. My SO and the man are part of a group of friends who have known each other for over a decade, and have been witness to the marriage as it fell apart. During the separation, I vowed (to myself) to support both and not let the ex-wife feel abandoned by the whole lot of this crowd. (She and I share a few interests and I have been through my own painful split-up). She appeared to feel the need to fall back on her new-found friends and let the ex-husband have his space with his friends. I have grown closer to the ex-husband due to the closeness of him to my SO. She and I are basically acquaintances.
As tends to happen, many angry conversations came up in the ex-husbands crowd about the ex-wife. I felt the need to defend. There were questions about her fidelity, mostly surrounding the social circles she is now in. (We sometimes see each other on the weekends in this crowd). I did not say I knew for sure that she was faithful, but let the ex-husband know that I had not seen her out with an obvious attachment to another man. I also heard similar comments from others who were attempting not to be too quick to dismiss her as a friend as well.
I found out through a person who is not a close friend, but knows the ex-wife's goings-on, that she indeed did have an affair while married to her ex. (This information was unsolicited, I think alcohol contributed to this person's desire to share). I believe that this is not a rumor, because I know that she is now dating a man she was out with socially often both before and after the separation. I am unaware if this same information was also passed on to the ex-husband.
Here's The Thing-Now I feel naive and like an idiot for defending her and for taking the sometimes angry comments from both the SO and the ex-husband about why I was trying to be fair. There are a few things I am aware of going into this: a) it's really none of my business what she does, b) she is an acquaintance, and I'm closer to the ex-husband than her, and c) she probably will not perceive it if there is a change in my behavior.
So, what would you do? Do I owe the ex-husband an apology? Should I just sit tight and keep my yap shut?
FAR-TOO-FRIENDLY FRANCES
Dear Far-Too-Friendly,
I don’t think you owe the husband an apology.
Even if the woman had an affair (and you still can’t be positive that she did), you don’t know anything about the circumstances. That’s not to say a situation exists that would make you approve of her dalliance—if she had one—but there could be extenuating circumstances that might cause you to be more forgiving of her actions.
It’s impossible to truly understand the inner workings of other people’s relationships. People are inscrutable as it is, alone. But a couple equals inscrutable squared. Who can tell what makes a couple work, or not? Or what bargains were struck and compromises accepted? Maybe your friend made his wife miserable. Maybe he wasn’t faithful. Maybe they were on the verge of a breakup anyway when this alleged affair took place. Lots of maybes. I’m not trying to make excuses for her or paint him as a wife-neglecting jerk. I’m just saying there could be a lot you don’t know.
But whether she had an affair or not is almost beside the point of your question. You have nothing to apologize for. You haven’t lied to your friend. You didn’t knowingly cover for his ex-wife’s infidelity. You’ve only tried to be fair and nonjudgmental, and that certainly doesn’t make you a naïve idiot who owes anyone an apology. I think your best bet is to keep mum. Don’t engage in ex-wife bashing, but don’t feel the need to defend her either.
Thanks for writing!
HTT
I have friends who divorced last year. I got to know them together, and the man is a good friend of my SO. My SO and the man are part of a group of friends who have known each other for over a decade, and have been witness to the marriage as it fell apart. During the separation, I vowed (to myself) to support both and not let the ex-wife feel abandoned by the whole lot of this crowd. (She and I share a few interests and I have been through my own painful split-up). She appeared to feel the need to fall back on her new-found friends and let the ex-husband have his space with his friends. I have grown closer to the ex-husband due to the closeness of him to my SO. She and I are basically acquaintances.
As tends to happen, many angry conversations came up in the ex-husbands crowd about the ex-wife. I felt the need to defend. There were questions about her fidelity, mostly surrounding the social circles she is now in. (We sometimes see each other on the weekends in this crowd). I did not say I knew for sure that she was faithful, but let the ex-husband know that I had not seen her out with an obvious attachment to another man. I also heard similar comments from others who were attempting not to be too quick to dismiss her as a friend as well.
I found out through a person who is not a close friend, but knows the ex-wife's goings-on, that she indeed did have an affair while married to her ex. (This information was unsolicited, I think alcohol contributed to this person's desire to share). I believe that this is not a rumor, because I know that she is now dating a man she was out with socially often both before and after the separation. I am unaware if this same information was also passed on to the ex-husband.
Here's The Thing-Now I feel naive and like an idiot for defending her and for taking the sometimes angry comments from both the SO and the ex-husband about why I was trying to be fair. There are a few things I am aware of going into this: a) it's really none of my business what she does, b) she is an acquaintance, and I'm closer to the ex-husband than her, and c) she probably will not perceive it if there is a change in my behavior.
So, what would you do? Do I owe the ex-husband an apology? Should I just sit tight and keep my yap shut?
FAR-TOO-FRIENDLY FRANCES
Dear Far-Too-Friendly,
I don’t think you owe the husband an apology.
Even if the woman had an affair (and you still can’t be positive that she did), you don’t know anything about the circumstances. That’s not to say a situation exists that would make you approve of her dalliance—if she had one—but there could be extenuating circumstances that might cause you to be more forgiving of her actions.
It’s impossible to truly understand the inner workings of other people’s relationships. People are inscrutable as it is, alone. But a couple equals inscrutable squared. Who can tell what makes a couple work, or not? Or what bargains were struck and compromises accepted? Maybe your friend made his wife miserable. Maybe he wasn’t faithful. Maybe they were on the verge of a breakup anyway when this alleged affair took place. Lots of maybes. I’m not trying to make excuses for her or paint him as a wife-neglecting jerk. I’m just saying there could be a lot you don’t know.
But whether she had an affair or not is almost beside the point of your question. You have nothing to apologize for. You haven’t lied to your friend. You didn’t knowingly cover for his ex-wife’s infidelity. You’ve only tried to be fair and nonjudgmental, and that certainly doesn’t make you a naïve idiot who owes anyone an apology. I think your best bet is to keep mum. Don’t engage in ex-wife bashing, but don’t feel the need to defend her either.
Thanks for writing!
HTT
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Should I tell my married coworker that I want to sleep with her?
I need advice. I work in a corporate environment and have had what would be called a crush (if I were 20 years younger) on a coworker for years. She just turned in her resignation to spend more time at home with her young child.
I'm friends with her husband and don't really want to do him wrong, but I have a nearly overwhelming urge to ask her to sleep with me before (or just after) she leaves the company. I know it is traditionally regarded as wrong, but that's where I am.
Now, I'm not going to ask you if I should do it, because obviously I shouldn't . . . and I won't. But should I tell her that I wanted to ask? I feel like it is a barrier between us. I mean, she is gorgeous and that's not a biased opinion, nobody that has ever seen her would ever think differently. So she has to know that I'm attracted to her because all straight men would be. But, is it right or wrong to come out and say it?
Lustful in the Cubefarm
Dear Lustful,
Nothing good can come from telling your coworker that you want to sleep with her.
Do you secretly hope that you’ll tell her, she’ll share your feelings, and then you’ll end up in bed? And do you think that using phrasing like “I always wanted to ask you to sleep with me,” rather than “Would you sleep with me,” might somehow diminish your culpability? You know, I loved Bill Clinton as a president, but the way he sliced and diced language in an attempt to justify his affair was a little pitiful. (But not impeachment-worthy, mind you.) It doesn’t depend on what the definition of “is” is, and it wouldn’t matter how you phrased it. You’d still be doing something that you acknowledge is wrong.
And suppose you tell her and she’s mortified? Has she ever even hinted about being open to the idea? Maybe she’s happily married and, in all her gorgeousness, is weary of being ogled and hit on. You think a barrier exists between you now? It’ll be the Great Wall of Awkwardness if you indulge in your urge to tell her.
I don’t mean to be harsh, and I’m not judging you. I suspect most of us would admit to having had an “inappropriate” crush at one time or another. You can’t help being attracted to someone who happens to be married. And married people still get crushes, too. But crushes have a tendency to block rational thought. So let me be the voice of reason: you’re asking for trouble. Write something kind on the card that’s probably circulating around the office. Chip in for her going-away gift. Keep your hidden crush hidden and, even better, try to move on.
Good luck,
HTT
I'm friends with her husband and don't really want to do him wrong, but I have a nearly overwhelming urge to ask her to sleep with me before (or just after) she leaves the company. I know it is traditionally regarded as wrong, but that's where I am.
Now, I'm not going to ask you if I should do it, because obviously I shouldn't . . . and I won't. But should I tell her that I wanted to ask? I feel like it is a barrier between us. I mean, she is gorgeous and that's not a biased opinion, nobody that has ever seen her would ever think differently. So she has to know that I'm attracted to her because all straight men would be. But, is it right or wrong to come out and say it?
Lustful in the Cubefarm
Dear Lustful,
Nothing good can come from telling your coworker that you want to sleep with her.
Do you secretly hope that you’ll tell her, she’ll share your feelings, and then you’ll end up in bed? And do you think that using phrasing like “I always wanted to ask you to sleep with me,” rather than “Would you sleep with me,” might somehow diminish your culpability? You know, I loved Bill Clinton as a president, but the way he sliced and diced language in an attempt to justify his affair was a little pitiful. (But not impeachment-worthy, mind you.) It doesn’t depend on what the definition of “is” is, and it wouldn’t matter how you phrased it. You’d still be doing something that you acknowledge is wrong.
And suppose you tell her and she’s mortified? Has she ever even hinted about being open to the idea? Maybe she’s happily married and, in all her gorgeousness, is weary of being ogled and hit on. You think a barrier exists between you now? It’ll be the Great Wall of Awkwardness if you indulge in your urge to tell her.
I don’t mean to be harsh, and I’m not judging you. I suspect most of us would admit to having had an “inappropriate” crush at one time or another. You can’t help being attracted to someone who happens to be married. And married people still get crushes, too. But crushes have a tendency to block rational thought. So let me be the voice of reason: you’re asking for trouble. Write something kind on the card that’s probably circulating around the office. Chip in for her going-away gift. Keep your hidden crush hidden and, even better, try to move on.
Good luck,
HTT
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
HTT, how can I tell if he likes me?
Dear HTT,
After living in Raleigh for nearly two years, I recently returned to DC, where I spent my undergraduate years. I never felt at home in North Carolina and I had a hard time meeting people. (I know, I know, I didn’t try very hard and I lived in a soul-less apartment complex that you tried to warn me off of.) Anyway, I’m thrilled to be back in the Capitol and I’ve even started to hang out with a guy I met through work. Just to be clear: we don’t work together, although our paths cross once in a while because our companies do similar stuff. We share some interests and believe me, it’s not easy finding a sci fi geek who likes rock climbing! I’m starting to take a shine to him. He seems to like me, but I’m not sure how much. How can I tell?
16th Street and Loving It
Dear 16th Street,
I have no idea.
Good luck!!!
HTT
No, seriously, can’t I help with a question about finances or parents or bad hair…or bad sex even?
Yours is a situation I’ve found myself in innumerable times. Given my vast experience in the Friend Zone—that iffy territory between “he likes me-likes me” and “he’s just not that into me"—you’d think I’d have it all figured out by now. But you’d be wrong. And judging from the number of heated, hopeful conversations I’ve had with friends, both men and women, about this very topic, I’m not the only one who has trouble reading the signs or lack thereof.
Attempts to figure out one’s status seem to boil down to three key strategies:
Believe me, I wish I had a fool-proof answer. But you’ve got to determine what your constitution can handle and what feels right for your situation. I wish for you the courage for the Band Aid AND the patience for the Toe Dip.
Let me know what happens,
HTT
After living in Raleigh for nearly two years, I recently returned to DC, where I spent my undergraduate years. I never felt at home in North Carolina and I had a hard time meeting people. (I know, I know, I didn’t try very hard and I lived in a soul-less apartment complex that you tried to warn me off of.) Anyway, I’m thrilled to be back in the Capitol and I’ve even started to hang out with a guy I met through work. Just to be clear: we don’t work together, although our paths cross once in a while because our companies do similar stuff. We share some interests and believe me, it’s not easy finding a sci fi geek who likes rock climbing! I’m starting to take a shine to him. He seems to like me, but I’m not sure how much. How can I tell?
16th Street and Loving It
Dear 16th Street,
I have no idea.
Good luck!!!
HTT
No, seriously, can’t I help with a question about finances or parents or bad hair…or bad sex even?
Yours is a situation I’ve found myself in innumerable times. Given my vast experience in the Friend Zone—that iffy territory between “he likes me-likes me” and “he’s just not that into me"—you’d think I’d have it all figured out by now. But you’d be wrong. And judging from the number of heated, hopeful conversations I’ve had with friends, both men and women, about this very topic, I’m not the only one who has trouble reading the signs or lack thereof.
Attempts to figure out one’s status seem to boil down to three key strategies:
- The Band Aid: This is the rip it off and get it over with approach, whereby you take a risk, express your feelings, and hope for the best. Oddly, this approach seems to be
favored both by those who are depressingly used to rejection AND by those who have never been turned down for a date in their entire lives. Oh, and by people who have attained an uncommonly robust degree of mental health and resilience. Benefits: saves time, saves friendships (because your friends won’t have to listen to you agonize about him for weeks or months), shows maturity and courage. Drawbacks: potential for humiliation (no matter how short-lived) and awkwardness, cuts into your fantasy life should things not fall out as you hoped.
- The Toe Dip: You know how some people run full throttle into the freezing surf? And then there are the others, who wade in, step by tentative step, splashing a little cold water on their stomach and arms? Well, the Toe Dip is for those people. And if you are one of those people, you continue to hang out with Mr. Star Trek-Rock Climbing Guy, enjoy his company, get to know him more, and see what happens. Benefits: less potential for humiliation; you spend time with someone you like, engaged in activities you both enjoy; if a relationship ever does unfold, it will be based on a solid foundation of friendship. Drawbacks: requires great patience; can cause you to become even more fond of someone who ultimately might not share your ardor; if you and he are both shy Toe Dippers hell could freeze over before you figure out if you’re “just” friends or more than.
- Combination Toe Dip – Band Aid: As you can probably surmise, this approach entails toe dipping until you can’t stand the suspense, and then ripping off the Band Aid once fear of rejection is less agonizing than the wondering.
Believe me, I wish I had a fool-proof answer. But you’ve got to determine what your constitution can handle and what feels right for your situation. I wish for you the courage for the Band Aid AND the patience for the Toe Dip.
Let me know what happens,
HTT
Saturday, May 5, 2007
HTT, breaking up is hard to do.
Dear Advice Goddess,
I’ve been dating a woman for several months. She is wonderful. She is smart, cute, funny, mature (i.e., not at all neurotic), and I enjoy doing things with her very much. I also enjoy doing nothing with her. It’s a very comfortable, relaxed relationship. She really has her stuff together. She brings out the best in me. It’s everything anyone could hope for in a relationship, except one thing: sex. The sex just doesn’t work for me.
It isn’t incompatible sex drives. It is the actual act. I just can’t “get there” with her, and I don’t know why. I’ve had to fake it more than once. When was the last time you heard of a guy faking it? She seems to enjoy it. Either that or she is really good at faking it too. She tells me she loves it and that I’m good at it. It’s not just some sort of emotional/mental-holding- myself-back or fear-of-intimacy psychoanalysis stuff. It’s physical incompatibility. I’m old enough that I’ve been around, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. And speaking of old enough, just to make sure I’m not destined to be the next poster boy for Viagra or Cialis, I slept with a few other women recently and it worked great.
You could take the attitude of frustrated married couples everywhere and say, “There is more to a relationship than sex.” True, but was it Nietzsche, or maybe Dr. Phil, who said “When sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship, but when it’s bad it’s 90% of the relationship”?
I know I should tell her the relationship is going nowhere, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I think anyone would feel terrible if told, “You’re great, but the sex is horrible, and practicing isn’t going to make it better,” but that is the situation.
How can I break up with someone so wonderful? I don’t think I can. You know the saying, “Sex is like eating cookies. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good”? I’m here to tell you that’s not true. Have you ever had bad sex? I feel horrible.
Dear Feeling Horrible,
Yikes, this is a tough situation. Speaking from experience, I know how much it sucks to find someone with whom you think you’re compatible in all the important ways, only to learn that there’s one major deal breaker.
Of course there’s more to a relationship than sex. But intimacy is important. I’m not saying we need fireworks every time; but a relationship in which one partner lacks sexual attraction for the other is bound to fail, assuming that both people involved want a sexual relationship. (I knew a couple once who maintained a platonic marriage, but that’s another story.)
You sound pretty sure that this situation cannot be salvaged, but I’m compelled to ask: have you talked to her at all about this? I mean, thank goodness, you don’t seem the sort to declare, “I have to fake it when we have sex,” but have you made suggestions about what trips your trigger? Offered to show her what you like and how you like it? Tried to spice it up in whichever manner works for you both?
And speaking of her, is it possible she’s just not completely comfortable with you yet? Sometimes it takes a while to develop a deep trust, let go of inhibitions, and let the freak flag fly! Also, not to cast aspersions, but are you positive that she’s having as much fun as she lets on? If she thinks things are a little lackluster as well, she might not be giving it her all.
I guess what I’m getting at is I’d hate for you to toss in the towel on a good relationship with a wonderful woman you care about unless you’re sure the sex will not or cannot improve.
If you’ve made up your mind about that, then the question becomes how to break up with her. Right, clearly you can’t be brutally honest. (Funny, some friends and I were just talking about brutal honesty, a discussion sparked by another friend’s email signature, which says: “People who are brutally honest are usually more interested in being brutal than in being honest.")
I don’t have any magic words for you, I’m sorry. Because there is no good way to be broken up with. There’s nothing you can say that isn’t going to hurt her feelings. Well, aside from a bald-faced lie, like, “I’m moving to another country,” “I’m becoming a priest,” or “I’m gay.” (And I think we’ve already established that you’re not.)
If you’re going to break up with her, do it soon. You will upset her, and you'll feel horrible for a while longer. But know that ultimately it’s the right thing. You’re not a terrible person. You deserve a good sex life. And she deserves to be with someone she thrills.
Good luck,
HTT
I’ve been dating a woman for several months. She is wonderful. She is smart, cute, funny, mature (i.e., not at all neurotic), and I enjoy doing things with her very much. I also enjoy doing nothing with her. It’s a very comfortable, relaxed relationship. She really has her stuff together. She brings out the best in me. It’s everything anyone could hope for in a relationship, except one thing: sex. The sex just doesn’t work for me.
It isn’t incompatible sex drives. It is the actual act. I just can’t “get there” with her, and I don’t know why. I’ve had to fake it more than once. When was the last time you heard of a guy faking it? She seems to enjoy it. Either that or she is really good at faking it too. She tells me she loves it and that I’m good at it. It’s not just some sort of emotional/mental-holding- myself-back or fear-of-intimacy psychoanalysis stuff. It’s physical incompatibility. I’m old enough that I’ve been around, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. And speaking of old enough, just to make sure I’m not destined to be the next poster boy for Viagra or Cialis, I slept with a few other women recently and it worked great.
You could take the attitude of frustrated married couples everywhere and say, “There is more to a relationship than sex.” True, but was it Nietzsche, or maybe Dr. Phil, who said “When sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship, but when it’s bad it’s 90% of the relationship”?
I know I should tell her the relationship is going nowhere, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I think anyone would feel terrible if told, “You’re great, but the sex is horrible, and practicing isn’t going to make it better,” but that is the situation.
How can I break up with someone so wonderful? I don’t think I can. You know the saying, “Sex is like eating cookies. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good”? I’m here to tell you that’s not true. Have you ever had bad sex? I feel horrible.
Dear Feeling Horrible,
Yikes, this is a tough situation. Speaking from experience, I know how much it sucks to find someone with whom you think you’re compatible in all the important ways, only to learn that there’s one major deal breaker.
Of course there’s more to a relationship than sex. But intimacy is important. I’m not saying we need fireworks every time; but a relationship in which one partner lacks sexual attraction for the other is bound to fail, assuming that both people involved want a sexual relationship. (I knew a couple once who maintained a platonic marriage, but that’s another story.)
You sound pretty sure that this situation cannot be salvaged, but I’m compelled to ask: have you talked to her at all about this? I mean, thank goodness, you don’t seem the sort to declare, “I have to fake it when we have sex,” but have you made suggestions about what trips your trigger? Offered to show her what you like and how you like it? Tried to spice it up in whichever manner works for you both?
And speaking of her, is it possible she’s just not completely comfortable with you yet? Sometimes it takes a while to develop a deep trust, let go of inhibitions, and let the freak flag fly! Also, not to cast aspersions, but are you positive that she’s having as much fun as she lets on? If she thinks things are a little lackluster as well, she might not be giving it her all.
I guess what I’m getting at is I’d hate for you to toss in the towel on a good relationship with a wonderful woman you care about unless you’re sure the sex will not or cannot improve.
If you’ve made up your mind about that, then the question becomes how to break up with her. Right, clearly you can’t be brutally honest. (Funny, some friends and I were just talking about brutal honesty, a discussion sparked by another friend’s email signature, which says: “People who are brutally honest are usually more interested in being brutal than in being honest.")
I don’t have any magic words for you, I’m sorry. Because there is no good way to be broken up with. There’s nothing you can say that isn’t going to hurt her feelings. Well, aside from a bald-faced lie, like, “I’m moving to another country,” “I’m becoming a priest,” or “I’m gay.” (And I think we’ve already established that you’re not.)
If you’re going to break up with her, do it soon. You will upset her, and you'll feel horrible for a while longer. But know that ultimately it’s the right thing. You’re not a terrible person. You deserve a good sex life. And she deserves to be with someone she thrills.
Good luck,
HTT
Friday, March 30, 2007
HTT, my hot female coworkers think I'm gay.
Dear HTT,
I just started a new job that I like very much. Everyone at work thinks I'm gay. I'm not gay--not that there's anything wrong with that--but I'm not sure what if anything to do about it. You see, I have a history of getting in trouble because I tend to... well... "fish in the company pond" if you know what I mean. (Basically, it's really hard to work with someone you didn't enjoy sleeping with the night before.) Anyway, this new job has me working with some absolute hotties! But they think I'm gay.
Why? Well, I think it might be because I have lots of friends and some are flaming. I care about my clothes. I am clean. I don't wear shirts that say things like "What would my penis do?" I like to cook. I know something about wine. I don't drive a pickup truck or a muscle car. And I am exceedingly polite. Friends in the know describe me as "Metro," but they might as well say I'm gay because "Metro" sounds rather "Queer Eye," to me.
So all these incredibly beautiful women think I'm gay and at first I thought I would set them straight, but I quickly realized that as a "gay man," I am not a threat to these women. They WANT to hang out with me. Maybe it's chic to hang out with a gay man? I go out with "the girls" and after they've had two glasses of Pinot Grigio (Yack!) the next thing I know they're asking me for my opinion on orgasms and blow jobs and the size of their breasts and hair styles and clothes and shoes and anal sex and honestly I want to F*** every one of them before the night is over. But I can't because I realize I've got a good thing going here, but what should I do?
Yours,
Painfully Erect
Dear PE,
Well, this is certainly the steamiest HTT letter yet! No wonder you’re all bunched up. Most guys would have to rent “Sex and the City” even to hear a group of women converse that way. Never mind being asked to participate. In the conversation, I mean.
My first thought upon reading your letter was that the women you work with must know a lot of Neanderthals. A guy has to be gay just because he can distinguish between his Cabs and his Rieslings, says “please” and “thank you,” and eschews mustard-stained muscle tees? Yikes! If those are the kind of straight men in their circles, of COURSE your colleagues would rather hang out with a guy like you, gay or not.
But to get to your question, yes, I think you should clue them in about your orientation. You don’t have to make a proclamation. Such an announcement could come across as homophobic, and it might also trigger a “me thinks he doth protest too much” kind of reaction.
Once, a friend of mine developed an interest in a guy she worked with. She didn’t know if he was single, and to ask, she thought, would be too bold. He described his life in “I” terms: I did such and such over the weekend; I want to paint my house green; I’m going to visit my family over the holiday, etc. Well, after weeks of hopeful flirting, my friend learned from another colleague that Mr. I was actually married. Now, I’m not saying that married people can’t have any autonomy or that they have no right to use a singular pronoun. But my friend and I decided that if this guy were honest, or at least not completely obtuse, he should have dropped a courtesy “we.”
Despite your alleged homosexual traits, you’re bound to be outed sooner or later. In order to avoid appearing dishonest, you, my friend, need to drop a courtesy “she.” From what I know about your dating life, it shouldn’t be difficult to casually slip a few feminine pronouns into a conversation about your weekend.
You sound worried about your new friends’ reaction to your straight status. I wouldn’t sweat it. By now, they’re comfortable around you, so I doubt they’ll suddenly stop inviting you out or clam up about their sex lives. They’ll probably be delighted! Maybe all this sex talk was their way of testing just where, exactly, you fell on the Kinsey scale. Like, if the conversation got hot enough, maybe, just maybe, you’d give women a try?
Now, about your other issue. I’m not totally opposed to fishing in the company pond. Most of us spend at least eight hours a day at work, so the office can be a good place to get to know someone. But, depending on lots of factors---like the size of the company, the proximity of the couple to one another on the org chart, and psycho tendencies or lack thereof among the people involved---an office romance can be fine or fraught with problems. But you say that you’ve gotten in trouble fishing at the office, so maybe you need only to enjoy drinks with your colleagues but cast your pole in different waters.
Have fun!
HTT
I just started a new job that I like very much. Everyone at work thinks I'm gay. I'm not gay--not that there's anything wrong with that--but I'm not sure what if anything to do about it. You see, I have a history of getting in trouble because I tend to... well... "fish in the company pond" if you know what I mean. (Basically, it's really hard to work with someone you didn't enjoy sleeping with the night before.) Anyway, this new job has me working with some absolute hotties! But they think I'm gay.
Why? Well, I think it might be because I have lots of friends and some are flaming. I care about my clothes. I am clean. I don't wear shirts that say things like "What would my penis do?" I like to cook. I know something about wine. I don't drive a pickup truck or a muscle car. And I am exceedingly polite. Friends in the know describe me as "Metro," but they might as well say I'm gay because "Metro" sounds rather "Queer Eye," to me.
So all these incredibly beautiful women think I'm gay and at first I thought I would set them straight, but I quickly realized that as a "gay man," I am not a threat to these women. They WANT to hang out with me. Maybe it's chic to hang out with a gay man? I go out with "the girls" and after they've had two glasses of Pinot Grigio (Yack!) the next thing I know they're asking me for my opinion on orgasms and blow jobs and the size of their breasts and hair styles and clothes and shoes and anal sex and honestly I want to F*** every one of them before the night is over. But I can't because I realize I've got a good thing going here, but what should I do?
Yours,
Painfully Erect
Dear PE,
Well, this is certainly the steamiest HTT letter yet! No wonder you’re all bunched up. Most guys would have to rent “Sex and the City” even to hear a group of women converse that way. Never mind being asked to participate. In the conversation, I mean.
My first thought upon reading your letter was that the women you work with must know a lot of Neanderthals. A guy has to be gay just because he can distinguish between his Cabs and his Rieslings, says “please” and “thank you,” and eschews mustard-stained muscle tees? Yikes! If those are the kind of straight men in their circles, of COURSE your colleagues would rather hang out with a guy like you, gay or not.
But to get to your question, yes, I think you should clue them in about your orientation. You don’t have to make a proclamation. Such an announcement could come across as homophobic, and it might also trigger a “me thinks he doth protest too much” kind of reaction.
Once, a friend of mine developed an interest in a guy she worked with. She didn’t know if he was single, and to ask, she thought, would be too bold. He described his life in “I” terms: I did such and such over the weekend; I want to paint my house green; I’m going to visit my family over the holiday, etc. Well, after weeks of hopeful flirting, my friend learned from another colleague that Mr. I was actually married. Now, I’m not saying that married people can’t have any autonomy or that they have no right to use a singular pronoun. But my friend and I decided that if this guy were honest, or at least not completely obtuse, he should have dropped a courtesy “we.”
Despite your alleged homosexual traits, you’re bound to be outed sooner or later. In order to avoid appearing dishonest, you, my friend, need to drop a courtesy “she.” From what I know about your dating life, it shouldn’t be difficult to casually slip a few feminine pronouns into a conversation about your weekend.
You sound worried about your new friends’ reaction to your straight status. I wouldn’t sweat it. By now, they’re comfortable around you, so I doubt they’ll suddenly stop inviting you out or clam up about their sex lives. They’ll probably be delighted! Maybe all this sex talk was their way of testing just where, exactly, you fell on the Kinsey scale. Like, if the conversation got hot enough, maybe, just maybe, you’d give women a try?
Now, about your other issue. I’m not totally opposed to fishing in the company pond. Most of us spend at least eight hours a day at work, so the office can be a good place to get to know someone. But, depending on lots of factors---like the size of the company, the proximity of the couple to one another on the org chart, and psycho tendencies or lack thereof among the people involved---an office romance can be fine or fraught with problems. But you say that you’ve gotten in trouble fishing at the office, so maybe you need only to enjoy drinks with your colleagues but cast your pole in different waters.
Have fun!
HTT
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