HTT: How do I tip a curbside delivery person?

Dear HTT,

This is more of a 'modern etiquette' question than a 'life, love, and the pursuit of happiness' question, but here goes... I know how much to tip waiters/waitresses in a restaurant: 15% of the check is traditional, and in the New York metro area 18-20% seems reasonable. (I assume such an amount is reasonable in most North American metropolitan areas.)

I would always rather over-tip than under-tip. I figure that anyone who's waiting tables for a living is working harder than I've ever had to work, and I know that person is counting on my tip as part of his/her salary. So unless the service has been really bad, I tip 20%.

But what about when those same waiters/waitresses deliver take-out food to the 'Curbside To Go' (or "Curbstyle To Go' or whatever cutesy name the chain restaurant uses) parking spots? Surely some sort of tip is in order, but since the waitperson hasn't taken my order, answered my questions, delivered my food, cleared away the dirty dishes, and refilled my coffee, 18-20% seems a little steep. What do you think is appropriate?

*********************

I’ve never taken advantage of curbside delivery, so I did a little Web research. Let’s just say, as is often the case when you ask the entire world of web-posters for advice, opinions vary. In fact, I ran into a number of long and heated threads about this issue.

I agree that 18 to 20 percent seems over the top. As you point out, the person who brings food to your car doesn't have to do nearly the amount of work that someone who waits on your table throughout an entire meal does.

Some argue that the curbside delivery person makes the same lousy salary as tableside waitstaff and, hence, should be tipped equally. However, I would imagine that curbside folks can serve far more customers per hour, so they might get smaller tips but more of them.

From what I can tell, tips for curbside delivery range from nothing (which I do not advocate), to $1-$2 per bag of food delivered, to 10 percent of the bill.

I’d probably lean toward 10 percent, but my decision might also be affected by the following factors:

• Did they get my order right?
• Was service relatively quick and friendly?
• Am I a regular at this establishment?
• How’s the weather?
• Would an extra buck or two kill me?

I’d be curious to see what others think.

Thanks for writing!
HTT

Should I tell my married coworker that I want to sleep with her?

I need advice. I work in a corporate environment and have had what would be called a crush (if I were 20 years younger) on a coworker for years. She just turned in her resignation to spend more time at home with her young child.

I'm friends with her husband and don't really want to do him wrong, but I have a nearly overwhelming urge to ask her to sleep with me before (or just after) she leaves the company. I know it is traditionally regarded as wrong, but that's where I am.

Now, I'm not going to ask you if I should do it, because obviously I shouldn't . . . and I won't. But should I tell her that I wanted to ask? I feel like it is a barrier between us. I mean, she is gorgeous and that's not a biased opinion, nobody that has ever seen her would ever think differently. So she has to know that I'm attracted to her because all straight men would be. But, is it right or wrong to come out and say it?

Lustful in the Cubefarm

Dear Lustful,

Nothing good can come from telling your coworker that you want to sleep with her.

Do you secretly hope that you’ll tell her, she’ll share your feelings, and then you’ll end up in bed? And do you think that using phrasing like “I always wanted to ask you to sleep with me,” rather than “Would you sleep with me,” might somehow diminish your culpability? You know, I loved Bill Clinton as a president, but the way he sliced and diced language in an attempt to justify his affair was a little pitiful. (But not impeachment-worthy, mind you.) It doesn’t depend on what the definition of “is” is, and it wouldn’t matter how you phrased it. You’d still be doing something that you acknowledge is wrong.

And suppose you tell her and she’s mortified? Has she ever even hinted about being open to the idea? Maybe she’s happily married and, in all her gorgeousness, is weary of being ogled and hit on. You think a barrier exists between you now? It’ll be the Great Wall of Awkwardness if you indulge in your urge to tell her.

I don’t mean to be harsh, and I’m not judging you. I suspect most of us would admit to having had an “inappropriate” crush at one time or another. You can’t help being attracted to someone who happens to be married. And married people still get crushes, too. But crushes have a tendency to block rational thought. So let me be the voice of reason: you’re asking for trouble. Write something kind on the card that’s probably circulating around the office. Chip in for her going-away gift. Keep your hidden crush hidden and, even better, try to move on.

Good luck,
HTT

HTT, I don't like someone my husband works with, and she wants to be my friend.

Dear HTT:

I am very good friends with the wife of one of my husband’s colleagues. The guys don’t really work together, but they’re both in the same division of the company, they know and like each other, and introduced me and Madeline at a Christmas party hosted by another colleague a few years ago. Madeline and I have a lot in common and have hit it off.

Madeline’s husband has an ex-wife who also works with the guys in the same division of the company, in the same branch as my husband. My husband doesn’t know the ex-wife too well, but says she’s nice and she’s friend with my husband’s boss because their kids all attend the same small private school. I met the ex-wife a few months ago at an office Christmas party. She did seem nice, but kind of weird also--she raved about a pie I made two years earlier for an office pot luck, telling me what a great cook I was to the point that I was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was overdone. I’ve since seen her at a few functions hosted by my husband’s boss. We have polite exchanges and that’s about it. I still think she’s weird.

Lately, the ex-wife has started aggressively pursuing contact with me through my husband. She dropped by his office recently to give him a copy of “Pomegranate Soup” which she wanted him to pass along to me. She thought I’d like it because the novel includes recipes. Today she approached my husband and told him she wanted to get to know me better, she wanted to have lunch with me, and asked my husband what my schedule will be over the next few weeks so she could call and set something up.

My friend Madeline has never met the ex-wife. Apparently the divorce was amicable, but they aren’t friends and have no contact. The ex-wife married a guy that works in another division. Despite all these damn work-related social functions, I’ve never seen the two couples at the same party let alone in the same room.

The ex-wife told my husband today that she was going to call me to set up a lunch date. I’m really not interested--her interest in me seems out of place given what little we know about each other plus I see potential for awkwardness given that I am close to her ex-husband’s wife. I honestly don’t know if the ex-wife is aware of my friendship with Madeline, it is very possible she doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is she would want to know (I would if I were in her shoes).

What would you do in this situation? What could I tactfully say to get out of going to lunch yet not burn a bridge (given all these work-related social events)?

Too Many Wives


Dear Too Many,

Oh what tangled webs and all that. To be honest, this situation befuddled me to such an extent that I’ve put off answering your question, while waiting to be struck by a flash of brilliance. Sadly, no such flash has occurred, but I will procrastinate no longer.

To start, let me try to break this down to the basics:

1. You like Madeline.
2. You’re not crazy about Madeline’s husband’s ex-wife, whom, for the sake of space, I’ll call “Jane.” (Although I can understand why it might be awkward to befriend Jane, I’m not really clear why you object to her personally. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ll take your word for it.)
3. Your husband works with Jane, albeit it not closely.
4. Jane is friendly with your husband’s boss.

It would be easy for me to say that life is too short to spend your free time with people you don’t particularly like. And while I whole-heartedly believe that, I’m not naive. I understand the exigencies of a social life that revolves, at least in part, around your husband’s colleagues. I’m guessing that because of the interconnectedness of this group and the variety of functions at which you’re likely to bump into all involved, you have to make nice.

First, yes, I would tell Jane that you’re friends with Madeline. Just say something like, “I wasn’t sure if you already knew, but I wanted to clear the air. I hope my relationship with Madeline doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.” If you’re lucky, it will and Jane will decide on her own that a friendship with you would just be too odd.

Or, depending on what Jane’s like, you might be able to get away with claiming awkwardness as a reason for not pursing a friendship with her. If you think she would see the logic in that and not take it personally, you could avoid burning that bridge.

If not, then, you’re left with figuring out how to be polite to Jane—since she works with your husband, is friends with his boss, and will likely see you at future social gatherings—while encouraging as little social interaction as possible. Can you say yes to an occasional lunch or coffee date, but turn down her invitations more often than not, pleading a hectic schedule? I imagine that she would eventually give up. I hate to admit that I’ve taken this very tack in several similar circumstances. I warn you that this isn’t the sort of behavior that will make you feel good about yourself. But short of saying, “I don’t like you very much and would rather not spend time with you,” I can’t think of a way other than the passive avoidance I’m recommending here.

Perhaps by now you’ve already got this conundrum all worked out and, if so, I’d love to hear how you managed!

Best,
HTT

Dear HTT, you're going to have to find a really clever headline for this...

Dear HTT,

(Ok, so I'm way too lazy to set up an anonymous email account just so you don't know who this question came from, so you're just gonna have to live with knowing this about me.)

Today I shit my pants at work. All afternoon there was some gurgling going on in my gut as I sat happily working in my cubicle. Finally, I stood up to go to the bathroom and my ass exploded! My intestines did somersaults and it was not a silent affair. I have no clue how many people heard. I made it to the bathroom without being sighted but had to dump my undies in there. I got cleaned up and left commando-style. Someone came in as I was washing my hands; went into, then back out of, the stall I had been in. Poor thing! I sneaked out of the office without seeing anyone else. As I sit here typing I am laughing and crying at the same time. How the hell did I lose control of my bowels? Is this age? Disease? Is it gonna happen to me again? How can I face that person?

Just last week I was visiting someone in the hospital and had to listen to the patient in the next bed use a bedpan. I laughed about it and told my "horror" story to my friends. Is God punishing me?

Help!
Left My Dignity in My Shorts, Stall 1, Fourth Floor


Dear Dignity,

I might never read a more compelling opening line as long as I live. You pack a lot of drama into that short, declarative sentence with its bold active voice. Your second sentence? A thing of beauty. Look at the alliteration! And…and…”your ass exploded”? How vivid! Way to go, following the “show, don’t tell” rule!

What? You say I’m missing the point? Maybe I’m not missing it. Maybe I’m just too uncomfortable to address it. And that’s what people do. They change the subject and they don’t talk about that which they find awkward or dirty. (But for god’s sake, you can turn on Fear Factor and watch people eat fetid piles of fish guts and live hissing cockroaches and pickled cow colons. What could possibly be more disgusting than that? And what about the people who make complete asses of themselves on these reality tv shows? Talk about loss of dignity!) Anyway, the more people don’t talk about something, the worse that something becomes in our own minds. Have you ever been in therapy and worked up the nerve to tell your therapist something you thought was a deep, dark, terrible secret about yourself, only to find after giving it air and light that it wasn’t so horrible after all?

My point is not to tell you not to be embarrassed. I won’t patronize you. But I’d like to try to convince you that there’s nothing shameful about what happened to you. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I doubt it’s even all that uncommon.

I’ve had two friends, besides you, relate similar experiences. Now, for the sake of argument---and my below-average math skills---let’s just say I have 10 friends with whom I feel close enough to share this level of detail about bodily functions. (Right, I’m all for making bodily functions less taboo, but I’m not saying anyone is likely to take out a billboard describing the details of their pants-pooping experience.) So, if 30 percent of my close friends have like tales to tell, how does this translate to the general population? I don’t know, but you are not alone.

Now, I’m not a doctor. Obviously. But unless you have other symptoms or this becomes a more common occurrence, I’m guessing that you were just so enthralled with and wrapped up in your work (circumstances I cannot, unfortunately, imagine myself in), that you procrastinated a bit too long. If we’re all honest with ourselves, I’ll bet most of us could recount some extremely-near misses.

As for your question about God, I’m also no theologian. However, I do believe that life is a long series of humbling learning experiences.

Hope you’re feeling better,
HTT

HTT, my hot female coworkers think I'm gay.

Dear HTT,

I just started a new job that I like very much. Everyone at work thinks I'm gay. I'm not gay--not that there's anything wrong with that--but I'm not sure what if anything to do about it. You see, I have a history of getting in trouble because I tend to... well... "fish in the company pond" if you know what I mean. (Basically, it's really hard to work with someone you didn't enjoy sleeping with the night before.) Anyway, this new job has me working with some absolute hotties! But they think I'm gay.

Why? Well, I think it might be because I have lots of friends and some are flaming. I care about my clothes. I am clean. I don't wear shirts that say things like "What would my penis do?" I like to cook. I know something about wine. I don't drive a pickup truck or a muscle car. And I am exceedingly polite. Friends in the know describe me as "Metro," but they might as well say I'm gay because "Metro" sounds rather "Queer Eye," to me.

So all these incredibly beautiful women think I'm gay and at first I thought I would set them straight, but I quickly realized that as a "gay man," I am not a threat to these women. They WANT to hang out with me. Maybe it's chic to hang out with a gay man? I go out with "the girls" and after they've had two glasses of Pinot Grigio (Yack!) the next thing I know they're asking me for my opinion on orgasms and blow jobs and the size of their breasts and hair styles and clothes and shoes and anal sex and honestly I want to F*** every one of them before the night is over. But I can't because I realize I've got a good thing going here, but what should I do?

Yours,
Painfully Erect

Dear PE,

Well, this is certainly the steamiest HTT letter yet! No wonder you’re all bunched up. Most guys would have to rent “Sex and the City” even to hear a group of women converse that way. Never mind being asked to participate. In the conversation, I mean.

My first thought upon reading your letter was that the women you work with must know a lot of Neanderthals. A guy has to be gay just because he can distinguish between his Cabs and his Rieslings, says “please” and “thank you,” and eschews mustard-stained muscle tees? Yikes! If those are the kind of straight men in their circles, of COURSE your colleagues would rather hang out with a guy like you, gay or not.

But to get to your question, yes, I think you should clue them in about your orientation. You don’t have to make a proclamation. Such an announcement could come across as homophobic, and it might also trigger a “me thinks he doth protest too much” kind of reaction.

Once, a friend of mine developed an interest in a guy she worked with. She didn’t know if he was single, and to ask, she thought, would be too bold. He described his life in “I” terms: I did such and such over the weekend; I want to paint my house green; I’m going to visit my family over the holiday, etc. Well, after weeks of hopeful flirting, my friend learned from another colleague that Mr. I was actually married. Now, I’m not saying that married people can’t have any autonomy or that they have no right to use a singular pronoun. But my friend and I decided that if this guy were honest, or at least not completely obtuse, he should have dropped a courtesy “we.”

Despite your alleged homosexual traits, you’re bound to be outed sooner or later. In order to avoid appearing dishonest, you, my friend, need to drop a courtesy “she.” From what I know about your dating life, it shouldn’t be difficult to casually slip a few feminine pronouns into a conversation about your weekend.

You sound worried about your new friends’ reaction to your straight status. I wouldn’t sweat it. By now, they’re comfortable around you, so I doubt they’ll suddenly stop inviting you out or clam up about their sex lives. They’ll probably be delighted! Maybe all this sex talk was their way of testing just where, exactly, you fell on the Kinsey scale. Like, if the conversation got hot enough, maybe, just maybe, you’d give women a try?

Now, about your other issue. I’m not totally opposed to fishing in the company pond. Most of us spend at least eight hours a day at work, so the office can be a good place to get to know someone. But, depending on lots of factors---like the size of the company, the proximity of the couple to one another on the org chart, and psycho tendencies or lack thereof among the people involved---an office romance can be fine or fraught with problems. But you say that you’ve gotten in trouble fishing at the office, so maybe you need only to enjoy drinks with your colleagues but cast your pole in different waters.

Have fun!
HTT

Working w/my colleague makes me go postal

Dear Here's the Thing,

I'm an engineer. I work in a world where you might think that clear communications between people is essential. But it is a daily struggle to work with a large number of people with varying levels of language and logic) skills.

There is this one co-worker that I have been called upon to work closely with. His emails are barely readible and I often find that speaking to him is like pulling teeth (and leaves me with no paper trail to follow if I need to remember details). I think he might be dyslexic. When we work on projects where we share duties, we end up stepping all over each other because we can't seem to get in sync. I've known him a long time and he is a very nice guy. But working with him makes me feel postal. Sometimes I cross the line and correct his emails to others, making him and me) look a bit of a fool.

I'm a big believer in being honest with people, but I don't think having a heart-to-heart with this guy is going to cure his dyslexia. And I don't think asking my boss not to pair me with him is going to make me look good.

I really just never want to work with him again! What to do?

Thanks for your help,
Geek with a problem


Dear Geek,

This is a pretty sticky situation. But I’m sure you already know that, or else you’d have solved the problem yourself by now!

Not knowing what your boss is like, I can’t guess how he or she would react if you asked not to work with this problem communicator any more. But you seem to think that doing so would reflect poorly on you and, perhaps, hurt your coworker’s feelings. And it sounds like you feel a little mean-spirited (or anal retentive?) for correcting his emails.

You state that you are a firm believer in being honest with people. So my guess is that the honest route has been successful for you in the past. And, if that’s true, than you’re probably pretty good at it. I think you should play to your own strengths.

No, honesty isn’t going to cure dyslexia. It’s not going to improve his writing. (Trust me, on this I have plenty of experience.) However, do you think it’s possible that in an honest heart-to-heart talk you could try to come up with a better system of communication?

For example, can you tell him his writing is difficult to understand and that it would be much easier if the two of you could speak in person? But you say talking to him is like pulling teeth. Why? Is it just that he’s unavailable or is it that he’s also difficult to understand in person? If it’s the former, maybe he’ll make himself more available after you’ve told him that you really want to conduct business face to face. If it’s the latter, well, painful as it may be, you stand a better chance of getting clarification when you’re in a room talking to someone than you do over email. You might just have to keep dogging him with questions like: “What do you mean? Can you give some examples? I’m hearing you say X, Y, and Z…is that right?” Take notes and follow up these conversations with summary emails so that you have your paper trail.

Also, as much as I hate tables and matrices and spreadsheets--which are all the rage among organized, successful, highly-functioning people--I suppose they have some utility. If you feel constantly out of sync with this guy, would it help to have some formal method of assigning duties and tracking milestones and deadlines?

When he sends emails (the ones you’re always tempted to correct), are they supposed to be speaking for the whole project team? In other words, would it be possible for you to write these emails instead? Again, I’m not sure of the context, but if you’re prone to editing his emails it might just be easier to write them yourself.

Bottom line, I think you should talk to him. I trust you can be honest and kind at the same time. At the very least, you might feel better for having stated your case and, hence, be able to refrain from going postal. And if he’s the nice guy you say he is, he should try to work with you on this.

Good luck!
HTT