Dear HTT,
A friend just called to arrange to carpool to a clothes swap tomorrow. She closed by making sure I wasn't planning to go running right beforehand, since she doesn't want to try on clothes someone sweaty has tried on first. I didn't know what to say, so I said I, uh, planned on being clean. Then I hung up and started fuming.
How does one interpret a comment like that? The obvious choices are:
(1) You're always running and you smell; or
(2) You're too dumb to know that you should shower before trying on clothes, so I'm just letting you know.
A reasonable third option might be,
(3) I have an aversion to sweat, and that time I dragged you to the thrift store right after you went running, even though you pointed
out you were all sweaty, actually really grossed me out, but I didn't know how to tell you then, so I've saved that thought for three months and am letting you know indirectly now.
This is a friend who prides herself being "direct" about verbalizing
what she wants.
How does one respond to a comment like that? And how does one explain to an adult that there's a difference between being direct and being tactless? I have enough baggage with this friend already that it's hard to imagine discussing this without pulling out all her dirty socks. So I'd also appreciate advice on how to stay focused on the insult-at-hand rather than generating some new ones.
--Fuming But Not Smelly
P.S. If she ever discovers your website, she's gonna be pissed...
Dear Fuming,
I think the best response would have been something quick and sharp like, “Actually, I was planning to eat a head of raw garlic, run a few miles, and smoke a fat cigar before we went to try on clothes together. Duh.”
You have to consider the source of this comment. She obviously lacks tact, but since I’m feeling charitable, I’ll suggest that she’s probably not aware of how rude she comes across. Perhaps a tart response would jerk her back to the reality of how she sounds to others.
Once, I strutted into work, proud of an electric-blue faux leather jacket I’d found over the weekend. One of my friends gawked at it and declared, “My, you do love a gaudy accessory, don’t you?” I just burst out laughing and thanked my lucky stars that, unlike her, my entire wardrobe didn’t come from the old-lady rack at Talbots!
So, I guess if I were you, I’d just shrug it off, unless these sorts of comments start coming more frequently. If she continues in this manner, the next time she offends you, calmly point it out to her. (You know, use “I” statements and all that jazz.) Try not to pull out every example you have tucked away. But one or two might be helpful to show that your anger is caused by a pattern of rude behavior and isn’t just a factor of you being overly sensitive.
Good luck, thanks for writing, and sorry for the very late response!
HTT
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
My daughter's friend's mom hates my kid; what should she do?
My 17-year-old daughter has a friend whose mother hates her (my daughter). According to my daughter, it is because she sat on a pool table at their home 4 years ago. My daughter weighed about 95 lbs. at the time. I am sure there had to be some other incidents where my daughter irritated this woman. She reads her daughter's emails and I would guess at sometime my daughter wrote something that gave this mom the wrong idea. This mom has a reputation for having a bad temper and getting so angry every profanity you can imagine comes out.
There have been several incidents of this kind in the past. This anger was aimed at all of the girls. However the grudge she holds is only against my daughter. After the pool table incident I told my daughter not to go to their home anymore and she says she has stayed away.
This problem reared its head again: My daughter and her friend are part of a group of about 12 girls. They all go to the same high school. Her friend is pregnant, and the group wants to give the girl a baby shower, which would include all moms.
My daughter says she is uncomfortable being around this woman since she has this grudge against her. This woman actually said she would not go if my daughter were there unless she had changed.
My daughter plans to make sure she works that evening so she can avoid going. I think that is probably a wise thing to do as I would not want there to be another incident.
Any thoughts?
**********************
I’ve been a 17-year-old daughter, and even though I was a pretty good kid, there were times my parents didn’t quite get the whole story. Oh, I told few outright lies. I thought then, and often still do, that my mother could read my mind. So lying seemed pointless and, frankly, less smart than either telling the truth or avoiding anything lie-worthy in the first place. But I might have left out a few choice details now and again.
Like me, maybe your daughter hasn’t told you everything. You seem to accept that there’s probably more to this woman’s ire than the pool table incident of four years ago. I don’t mean to suggest that your daughter is a bad egg, but it’s always possible that her friend’s mom has some legitimate reason for being displeased with your daughter.
However, even if she does, she’s certainly not behaving like the adult in this story. Yelling and cursing and holding grudges and “hating” a 17-year-old girl? Yikes. No, if your daughter committed some serious transgression, the mother should have called you or, at the very least, calmly asked your daughter not to return to their home.
If I were a mom, I might be tempted to go all mama-bear and defend my kid from this woman, who sounds unstable and immature. However, even in my advanced years, I can remember being your daughter’s age, and I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t have wanted my mother to intervene. I think your daughter’s plan to avoid her friend’s mom is probably a good one. It’s too bad that she’ll miss the shower, but at 17, she just doesn’t have any negotiating power in that antagonistic relationship.
Your daughter might be completely blameless. But consider asking her to take a mental inventory of her behavior and honestly assess whether she did anything that would make even a more mild-tempered parent see red. (Emphasis on mental inventory in order for there to be honest assessment.) No matter what, there’s still no excuse for the way her friend’s mom has handled the situation, but your daughter might have to admit to herself that she shares some responsibility for this rift.
Thanks for writing,
HTT
There have been several incidents of this kind in the past. This anger was aimed at all of the girls. However the grudge she holds is only against my daughter. After the pool table incident I told my daughter not to go to their home anymore and she says she has stayed away.
This problem reared its head again: My daughter and her friend are part of a group of about 12 girls. They all go to the same high school. Her friend is pregnant, and the group wants to give the girl a baby shower, which would include all moms.
My daughter says she is uncomfortable being around this woman since she has this grudge against her. This woman actually said she would not go if my daughter were there unless she had changed.
My daughter plans to make sure she works that evening so she can avoid going. I think that is probably a wise thing to do as I would not want there to be another incident.
Any thoughts?
**********************
I’ve been a 17-year-old daughter, and even though I was a pretty good kid, there were times my parents didn’t quite get the whole story. Oh, I told few outright lies. I thought then, and often still do, that my mother could read my mind. So lying seemed pointless and, frankly, less smart than either telling the truth or avoiding anything lie-worthy in the first place. But I might have left out a few choice details now and again.
Like me, maybe your daughter hasn’t told you everything. You seem to accept that there’s probably more to this woman’s ire than the pool table incident of four years ago. I don’t mean to suggest that your daughter is a bad egg, but it’s always possible that her friend’s mom has some legitimate reason for being displeased with your daughter.
However, even if she does, she’s certainly not behaving like the adult in this story. Yelling and cursing and holding grudges and “hating” a 17-year-old girl? Yikes. No, if your daughter committed some serious transgression, the mother should have called you or, at the very least, calmly asked your daughter not to return to their home.
If I were a mom, I might be tempted to go all mama-bear and defend my kid from this woman, who sounds unstable and immature. However, even in my advanced years, I can remember being your daughter’s age, and I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t have wanted my mother to intervene. I think your daughter’s plan to avoid her friend’s mom is probably a good one. It’s too bad that she’ll miss the shower, but at 17, she just doesn’t have any negotiating power in that antagonistic relationship.
Your daughter might be completely blameless. But consider asking her to take a mental inventory of her behavior and honestly assess whether she did anything that would make even a more mild-tempered parent see red. (Emphasis on mental inventory in order for there to be honest assessment.) No matter what, there’s still no excuse for the way her friend’s mom has handled the situation, but your daughter might have to admit to herself that she shares some responsibility for this rift.
Thanks for writing,
HTT
Monday, November 19, 2007
HTT, our friends are screwing up and we can't stand to watch any more!
Dear HTT,
Do you have any suggestions to help us deal with the
guilt of having to end a friendship?
My husband and I started hanging out with another
couple of similar age and interests about two years
ago. At first we really liked them, but over the last
18 months we’ve stood by and watched them make one bad
decision after another and right now their lives are a
mess. We respect their right to make decisions for
themselves, but can no longer stand by and watch, so
we are trying to remove ourselves from the situation.
It has been difficult.
The problems started when they decided to move to what
they consider a more desirable area. All they could
afford is a lot in the worst neighborhood, and they
thought they’d save even more money by building a 650
sq ft home for their family of three, doing most of
the work themselves. They hired people to frame, roof
and plumb the place, which took about a month, and
then they’d do the electrical, siding, tiling, etc.
themselves. They have no previous construction
experience—she’s in landscape design, he’s a
geologist. It’s now been eight months, and they
haven’t finished any of the jobs they intended to do
themselves. We’ve gone to the lot to help,
but they are so disorganized and unfocused that it
takes five hours to do two hours of work, and we don’t
have that kind of time. But they don’t seem pressured
to work, either—they have time to go fishing several
times a week, go out on weekends, leave town for
mini-breaks, go to sporting events, etc. They also
had the money two months ago to hire a contractor to
build a garage so they can keep a boat—they don’t have
a boat, and can’t afford one, but they want a garage
for some future boat. Unrealistically, they also keep
expecting the house to get finished in another three
months—they’ve just finished another lease at another
short-term rental. Last month they planned to move
into the finished garage, but they fired the
contractor half-way through that job and the garage
sits half-built as well. This weekend we helped the
wife and daughter move into a 30-year-old travel
trailer they hastily rented and parked on the lot.
The husband was out of town for work. The wife and
daughter were visibly upset about the move into the
trailer, but the husband, who is the primary
decision-maker, doesn’t seem to have a problem with
it. Actually, he seems to resent advice or suggestions
from others to the point where it seems as if he does
the opposite of whatever you suggest. The husband
rejected the offer of a friend to give them a
month-to-month rental, changed his mind two weeks
later and is now angry at the friend because the
rental is no longer available. He also rejected my
offer to connect him with a retired electrician.
In the meantime, the wife is on Lexapro and the
10-year-old daughter has attended four schools in the
past two years, and is not only bringing home failing
grades but also demonstrates emotional and behavioral
problems. She had several serious conflicts with
other children. Our friends blame the parents of the
other children involved—those parents are “snobs” and
“social climbers” who won’t let their children play
with the daughter.
This is just the tip of the iceberg--they never had
the lot surveyed, started wiring the house without a
permit, and hired a new neighbor to roof the garage
for cash under the table and he fell off the roof and
was injured. As friends, my husband and I feel like
we should be there to support them through tough
times. But we also have a hard time feeling too much
sympathy—they aren’t the victims of circumstance as
much as their own decision-making. We don’t want to
butt in and force our opinions on them, so we’re trying
to get some distance. In the response, they seem more
aggressive about spending time with us. We feel
guilty.
Do you have any advice? Are we doing the right thing?
Dear Friends of Bad-Decision-Makers,
It certainly sounds like your friends are making construction decisions that are probably illegal and definitely dangerous. On top of that, they seem to feel no remorse about squandering their friends’ good will and offers to pitch in. When my friends and I help each other tackle home projects, we agree upon a strict time limit for the activity, and the helpee does all project prep work before the helpers arrive. Plus, bagels and coffee are usually on hand during these Saturday morning tasks.
But do you actually need to end the friendship? Do you enjoy their company under other circumstances? If so, I wonder if it’s possible to remain friends with them, but to remove yourselves from any discussions about the house. And definitely stop volunteering your time toward never-ending, ill-fated projects! If you like them enough to give this a try, I’d be really honest about your boundaries. You could say something like, “We have very different ideas on how these sorts of things should be done, and we don’t want to cause any hurt feelings by constantly offering up advice or suggestions that run contrary your plans. We want to support you, but maybe it would be better if we just didn’t discuss the house together any more.” If this tack can work for disagreements among friends over politics and religion, surely it could work under your circumstances as well.
If that plans falls flat, and if the friendship has few other redeeming qualities, then I suppose ending the relationship, or at least withdrawing from it for now, is all you can do. If they were very close friends, I suspect you wouldn’t have written this letter; you’d have just sucked it up and supported them the best that you could without losing your sanity. Most friendships go through rocky periods. At one time or another, we’ve all probably wanted to shake a friend for making lousy decisions. Good friendships survive those times; casual ones might not.
If you legitimately feel you've done what you could for this family and for your relationship with them, then you should try to let go of your guilt. Like doomed romantic relationships, some friendships just aren't meant to be.
Good luck!
HTT
Do you have any suggestions to help us deal with the
guilt of having to end a friendship?
My husband and I started hanging out with another
couple of similar age and interests about two years
ago. At first we really liked them, but over the last
18 months we’ve stood by and watched them make one bad
decision after another and right now their lives are a
mess. We respect their right to make decisions for
themselves, but can no longer stand by and watch, so
we are trying to remove ourselves from the situation.
It has been difficult.
The problems started when they decided to move to what
they consider a more desirable area. All they could
afford is a lot in the worst neighborhood, and they
thought they’d save even more money by building a 650
sq ft home for their family of three, doing most of
the work themselves. They hired people to frame, roof
and plumb the place, which took about a month, and
then they’d do the electrical, siding, tiling, etc.
themselves. They have no previous construction
experience—she’s in landscape design, he’s a
geologist. It’s now been eight months, and they
haven’t finished any of the jobs they intended to do
themselves. We’ve gone to the lot to help,
but they are so disorganized and unfocused that it
takes five hours to do two hours of work, and we don’t
have that kind of time. But they don’t seem pressured
to work, either—they have time to go fishing several
times a week, go out on weekends, leave town for
mini-breaks, go to sporting events, etc. They also
had the money two months ago to hire a contractor to
build a garage so they can keep a boat—they don’t have
a boat, and can’t afford one, but they want a garage
for some future boat. Unrealistically, they also keep
expecting the house to get finished in another three
months—they’ve just finished another lease at another
short-term rental. Last month they planned to move
into the finished garage, but they fired the
contractor half-way through that job and the garage
sits half-built as well. This weekend we helped the
wife and daughter move into a 30-year-old travel
trailer they hastily rented and parked on the lot.
The husband was out of town for work. The wife and
daughter were visibly upset about the move into the
trailer, but the husband, who is the primary
decision-maker, doesn’t seem to have a problem with
it. Actually, he seems to resent advice or suggestions
from others to the point where it seems as if he does
the opposite of whatever you suggest. The husband
rejected the offer of a friend to give them a
month-to-month rental, changed his mind two weeks
later and is now angry at the friend because the
rental is no longer available. He also rejected my
offer to connect him with a retired electrician.
In the meantime, the wife is on Lexapro and the
10-year-old daughter has attended four schools in the
past two years, and is not only bringing home failing
grades but also demonstrates emotional and behavioral
problems. She had several serious conflicts with
other children. Our friends blame the parents of the
other children involved—those parents are “snobs” and
“social climbers” who won’t let their children play
with the daughter.
This is just the tip of the iceberg--they never had
the lot surveyed, started wiring the house without a
permit, and hired a new neighbor to roof the garage
for cash under the table and he fell off the roof and
was injured. As friends, my husband and I feel like
we should be there to support them through tough
times. But we also have a hard time feeling too much
sympathy—they aren’t the victims of circumstance as
much as their own decision-making. We don’t want to
butt in and force our opinions on them, so we’re trying
to get some distance. In the response, they seem more
aggressive about spending time with us. We feel
guilty.
Do you have any advice? Are we doing the right thing?
Dear Friends of Bad-Decision-Makers,
It certainly sounds like your friends are making construction decisions that are probably illegal and definitely dangerous. On top of that, they seem to feel no remorse about squandering their friends’ good will and offers to pitch in. When my friends and I help each other tackle home projects, we agree upon a strict time limit for the activity, and the helpee does all project prep work before the helpers arrive. Plus, bagels and coffee are usually on hand during these Saturday morning tasks.
But do you actually need to end the friendship? Do you enjoy their company under other circumstances? If so, I wonder if it’s possible to remain friends with them, but to remove yourselves from any discussions about the house. And definitely stop volunteering your time toward never-ending, ill-fated projects! If you like them enough to give this a try, I’d be really honest about your boundaries. You could say something like, “We have very different ideas on how these sorts of things should be done, and we don’t want to cause any hurt feelings by constantly offering up advice or suggestions that run contrary your plans. We want to support you, but maybe it would be better if we just didn’t discuss the house together any more.” If this tack can work for disagreements among friends over politics and religion, surely it could work under your circumstances as well.
If that plans falls flat, and if the friendship has few other redeeming qualities, then I suppose ending the relationship, or at least withdrawing from it for now, is all you can do. If they were very close friends, I suspect you wouldn’t have written this letter; you’d have just sucked it up and supported them the best that you could without losing your sanity. Most friendships go through rocky periods. At one time or another, we’ve all probably wanted to shake a friend for making lousy decisions. Good friendships survive those times; casual ones might not.
If you legitimately feel you've done what you could for this family and for your relationship with them, then you should try to let go of your guilt. Like doomed romantic relationships, some friendships just aren't meant to be.
Good luck!
HTT
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Should I crush someone who might have a crush on me?
Dear HTT,
I have a small group of loosely connected friends that I hang around with on a fairly regular basis, some of them more than others. I have reason to believe that one of the guys in the group has a crush on me. He’s never said so straight out, but it’s just a feeling I get. I like spending time with him, but I’m not interested in dating him. Should I tell him? I don’t want to hurt him or make it awkward for the two of us to show up at the same events, but I don’t want to lead him on either. I don’t flirt with him, but I am friendly, and it’s possible he could be misreading the signals.
Thanks for any advice you can give.
Crushed
Dear Crushed,
You know, this whole crush business generates more visits to my site than any other topic. People who arrive at “Here’s the Thing” from Google leave a visible trail of search terms, at least half of which include the word “crush.” (Don’t worry. As I pointed out earlier, I can’t tell WHO is doing the googling, so your secrets are safe.) It’s fascinating, really, to imagine just how many people at this very moment are nursing a secret crush on a coworker, friend, teacher, buddy of a spouse, barista, bartender, or girl across the hall. As widespread as this situation appears to be, it’s puzzling that someone hasn’t figured out how to profit somehow. Or, more philanthropically, to come up with some kind of cure and distribute it widely, free of charge. I'm sure a cure would be welcome. Because by their nature, crushes are fun for a few weeks or months at best before they give way to frustration and pining and pints of Ben and Jerry’s. (Unless they happen to turn into relationships, in which case, they’re no longer “crushes.”)
After all, crush is violent word:
–verb (used with object)
–noun
It’s probably no coincidence that “an intense but usually short-lived infatuation” that can cause no small amount of depression and googling isn’t called—I don’t know—a “nurture” or an “encouragement.”
So, getting around to your specific crushing issue: since this fellow hasn’t laid bare his feelings or asked you on a date, you can’t be certain he thinks of you as more than a friend. As such, I think it’d be a bit presumptuous to explicitly state that you lack romantic interest in him. For the sake of argument, though, let’s assume that he does have a crush on you. It’s quite possible that he already knows you aren’t interested and is just biding his time until the crush fades, as they tend to do.
I think your best bet is to remain friendly but pay attention to your boundaries. It’s flattering to be wanted, but continue resisting the temptation to flirt. If you usually only see one another in a group, keep it that way; if you have hung out alone in the past, maybe for a while it would be better to include others. If you have, or develop, an interest in someone, mention it to him as you would to any other friend, but take care not to be heavy handed or cruel about it.
Bottom line, treat this guy as you’d hope to be treated if the tables were turned.
Best,
HTT
I have a small group of loosely connected friends that I hang around with on a fairly regular basis, some of them more than others. I have reason to believe that one of the guys in the group has a crush on me. He’s never said so straight out, but it’s just a feeling I get. I like spending time with him, but I’m not interested in dating him. Should I tell him? I don’t want to hurt him or make it awkward for the two of us to show up at the same events, but I don’t want to lead him on either. I don’t flirt with him, but I am friendly, and it’s possible he could be misreading the signals.
Thanks for any advice you can give.
Crushed
Dear Crushed,
You know, this whole crush business generates more visits to my site than any other topic. People who arrive at “Here’s the Thing” from Google leave a visible trail of search terms, at least half of which include the word “crush.” (Don’t worry. As I pointed out earlier, I can’t tell WHO is doing the googling, so your secrets are safe.) It’s fascinating, really, to imagine just how many people at this very moment are nursing a secret crush on a coworker, friend, teacher, buddy of a spouse, barista, bartender, or girl across the hall. As widespread as this situation appears to be, it’s puzzling that someone hasn’t figured out how to profit somehow. Or, more philanthropically, to come up with some kind of cure and distribute it widely, free of charge. I'm sure a cure would be welcome. Because by their nature, crushes are fun for a few weeks or months at best before they give way to frustration and pining and pints of Ben and Jerry’s. (Unless they happen to turn into relationships, in which case, they’re no longer “crushes.”)
After all, crush is violent word:
–verb (used with object)
- to press or squeeze with a force that destroys or deforms.
- to squeeze or pound into small fragments or particles, as ore, stone, etc.
- to force out by pressing or squeezing; extract: to crush cottonseeds in order to produce oil.
- to rumple; wrinkle; crease.
- to smooth or flatten by pressure: to crush leather.
- to hug or embrace forcibly or strongly: He crushed her in his arms.
- to destroy, subdue, or suppress utterly: to crush a revolt.
- to overwhelm with confusion, chagrin, or humiliation, as by argumentation or a slighting action or remark; squelch.
- to oppress grievously.
–noun
- the act of crushing; state of being crushed.
- a great crowd: a crush of shoppers.
- an intense but usually short-lived infatuation.
- the object of such an infatuation: Who is your latest crush?
It’s probably no coincidence that “an intense but usually short-lived infatuation” that can cause no small amount of depression and googling isn’t called—I don’t know—a “nurture” or an “encouragement.”
So, getting around to your specific crushing issue: since this fellow hasn’t laid bare his feelings or asked you on a date, you can’t be certain he thinks of you as more than a friend. As such, I think it’d be a bit presumptuous to explicitly state that you lack romantic interest in him. For the sake of argument, though, let’s assume that he does have a crush on you. It’s quite possible that he already knows you aren’t interested and is just biding his time until the crush fades, as they tend to do.
I think your best bet is to remain friendly but pay attention to your boundaries. It’s flattering to be wanted, but continue resisting the temptation to flirt. If you usually only see one another in a group, keep it that way; if you have hung out alone in the past, maybe for a while it would be better to include others. If you have, or develop, an interest in someone, mention it to him as you would to any other friend, but take care not to be heavy handed or cruel about it.
Bottom line, treat this guy as you’d hope to be treated if the tables were turned.
Best,
HTT
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
My girlfriend gets hammered, her friends hate me, what should I do?
Dear HTT,
Girlfriend's friends are a problem.
When I first started dating my girlfriend a little over a year ago (we live together now), I met all of her friends and although a few of them were annoying, I took it in stride and decided they were along for the ride. Since then, I've helped them move, watched their houses and animals while they were out of town, hung out with them, basically accepted them as friends and put my heart and soul into that just as I would any friend.
When my girlfriend and I began to argue about alcohol (she drinks too much and has admitted that several times; she can never have just "a few" - always has to get hammered; she said several times she would change for the better but consistently failed at that after just a few days at most and we would argue again), she would seek the help of these friends as "second opinions". Of course, being her girlfriends and drinking buddies since long before I knew her, they supported her. They told her that I was "controlling", that I "didn't want her to have any fun", that I was "trying to take her away from her friends", etc etc the list goes on and on. It has degenerated into them flat-out declaring that I am an "asshole" and a "dick".
I have never done anything wrong to these friends - have only been genuine and treated them like my close friends as well. Now that they are picking me apart and beating me and us down, I tell her that this is too much and I no longer have any use for any of them. She says that I am the one with the alcohol problem (for not accepting her getting hammered frequently) and that I am alienating myself as far as these friends are concerned. I told her that they are the ones who screwed up.
Everything else is my fault. My girlfriend never apologizes for anything. When she is wrong and we argue, I apologize just so that we can move on; with the hopes that such forgiveness and understanding and work toward the greater good will be met with relief and she will work harder.
I know she loves me and she tells me that she does. She has a new house and new car (all in my name because she has no credit; I'm 5 years younger). I tell her I love her each night and each morning.
How do I fix this craziness of denial and friends?
Thank you for any advice.
Dear Anonymous,
I’m afraid that her friends are the least of your problems. When I boil your letter down to its core elements, this is what I see:
These are red flags. Briskly waving flags. Giant ones, like the enormous American flag that flies over at least one car dealership in every town in this country. You ask how to fix this situation, but your girlfriend seems to have problems that you can’t fix, no matter how much patience, forgiveness, or understanding you muster.
Believe me. I know all too well the appeal of “helping” or fixing someone. Hello, I’ve got a crush on Gregory House of the television show “House.” If you watch the show, you know he’s a pill-popping, emotionally distant, ass who is also brilliant and handsome. I imagine his character as possessing a kernel of goodness that would blossom with the love of the right woman (aka me, if House were actually a real person).
To some of us, people who go off the rails have their own crazy allure, but we have to fight the tendency—and hubris—to think we can make them better. And in case you’re thinking, “easy for you to say…House is just a television character and I’m talking about a living, breathing person whom I happen to love,” rest assured that I’m not delusional; I know it’s only t.v. But I also briefly dated a man who was an alcoholic. He readily admitted as much and was working hard, albeit not very successfully, to stop drinking. He had more than a kernel of goodness, but a relationship with him would have been unhealthy if not impossible.
Your girlfriend might not be an alcoholic, but clearly her drinking is of concern to you. And that’s a problem. Also, I’m troubled for you about the possible ramifications of having put her house and car in your name.
I trust that you love her. I even trust that she loves you. But, cliché though this may be, love isn’t enough. I’m going to stop just short of suggesting you break up, because maybe your girlfriend is capable of change, although it doesn’t sound like she thinks she needs to. I do recommend disentangling yourself financially. And then spend time alone, someplace restful and quiet, and think about whether this relationship really makes you happy.
Good luck,
HTT
Girlfriend's friends are a problem.
When I first started dating my girlfriend a little over a year ago (we live together now), I met all of her friends and although a few of them were annoying, I took it in stride and decided they were along for the ride. Since then, I've helped them move, watched their houses and animals while they were out of town, hung out with them, basically accepted them as friends and put my heart and soul into that just as I would any friend.
When my girlfriend and I began to argue about alcohol (she drinks too much and has admitted that several times; she can never have just "a few" - always has to get hammered; she said several times she would change for the better but consistently failed at that after just a few days at most and we would argue again), she would seek the help of these friends as "second opinions". Of course, being her girlfriends and drinking buddies since long before I knew her, they supported her. They told her that I was "controlling", that I "didn't want her to have any fun", that I was "trying to take her away from her friends", etc etc the list goes on and on. It has degenerated into them flat-out declaring that I am an "asshole" and a "dick".
I have never done anything wrong to these friends - have only been genuine and treated them like my close friends as well. Now that they are picking me apart and beating me and us down, I tell her that this is too much and I no longer have any use for any of them. She says that I am the one with the alcohol problem (for not accepting her getting hammered frequently) and that I am alienating myself as far as these friends are concerned. I told her that they are the ones who screwed up.
Everything else is my fault. My girlfriend never apologizes for anything. When she is wrong and we argue, I apologize just so that we can move on; with the hopes that such forgiveness and understanding and work toward the greater good will be met with relief and she will work harder.
I know she loves me and she tells me that she does. She has a new house and new car (all in my name because she has no credit; I'm 5 years younger). I tell her I love her each night and each morning.
How do I fix this craziness of denial and friends?
Thank you for any advice.
Dear Anonymous,
I’m afraid that her friends are the least of your problems. When I boil your letter down to its core elements, this is what I see:
- Your girlfriend “gets hammered” whenever she drinks
- She has admitted she drinks too much, yet says you’re the one with the problem because you don’t accept her drinking
- She counts on her drinking-buddy friends to enable her behavior
- She thinks everything is your fault and never apologizes for anything
- She has used your good credit to purchase a house and a car
These are red flags. Briskly waving flags. Giant ones, like the enormous American flag that flies over at least one car dealership in every town in this country. You ask how to fix this situation, but your girlfriend seems to have problems that you can’t fix, no matter how much patience, forgiveness, or understanding you muster.
Believe me. I know all too well the appeal of “helping” or fixing someone. Hello, I’ve got a crush on Gregory House of the television show “House.” If you watch the show, you know he’s a pill-popping, emotionally distant, ass who is also brilliant and handsome. I imagine his character as possessing a kernel of goodness that would blossom with the love of the right woman (aka me, if House were actually a real person).To some of us, people who go off the rails have their own crazy allure, but we have to fight the tendency—and hubris—to think we can make them better. And in case you’re thinking, “easy for you to say…House is just a television character and I’m talking about a living, breathing person whom I happen to love,” rest assured that I’m not delusional; I know it’s only t.v. But I also briefly dated a man who was an alcoholic. He readily admitted as much and was working hard, albeit not very successfully, to stop drinking. He had more than a kernel of goodness, but a relationship with him would have been unhealthy if not impossible.
Your girlfriend might not be an alcoholic, but clearly her drinking is of concern to you. And that’s a problem. Also, I’m troubled for you about the possible ramifications of having put her house and car in your name.
I trust that you love her. I even trust that she loves you. But, cliché though this may be, love isn’t enough. I’m going to stop just short of suggesting you break up, because maybe your girlfriend is capable of change, although it doesn’t sound like she thinks she needs to. I do recommend disentangling yourself financially. And then spend time alone, someplace restful and quiet, and think about whether this relationship really makes you happy.
Good luck,
HTT
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
HTT, I don't like my girlfriend's friends!
Dear HTT,
You give straight-forward and logical advice. I like that you don’t mince words! I’ve got a big problem I hope you can help me with.
I’ve started to become serious about a woman I’ve been dating for six months. Not marriage serious, but maybe move-in serious. She’s great: smart, beautiful, sweet, laughs at my jokes. Really, what more could I ask for? Well, the problem is that I dislike her friends! They’re loud, drama queen types who draw a lot of attention to themselves and need a lot of hand-holding and support from my girlfriend. They’ve known each other forever, and go on and on about people I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t bad people, just annoying. We go out with them about once a month, and I never have fun. What can I do about this? Should I tell my girlfriend how I feel? Or can I subtly suggest that we not spend much time with them?
Like the girl, not the posse
Dear LTGNTP,
Good that you appreciate someone who isn’t a word mincer, because I have to deliver some tough news: your girlfriend comes with her friends, so either find something to like about them or break up with her now.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you haven’t given me much to work with. Under different circumstances, a kinder middle ground might have presented itself. Say, if you disliked only one or two of her friends. Or if you and your gal rarely spent any time alone and hung with her friends several nights a week. Or, if you sounded less pouty that someone besides you was on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s attention, support, and hand-holding. If you’d thrown me any one of these bones, I might have been able to suggest some compromises or strategies for keeping the peace. I’m a peace-keeping expert!
But, come on. You dislike ALL of her friends? You only have to see them once a month? You’ve known your girlfriend for six months, she’s had these friends “forever,” and you think you’ll come out on the winning end of a conversation about how all of her friends are annoying, loud, drama queens? You never know. Maybe she’ll capitulate, in which case, her friends deserve better anyway.
However, I’m going to assume that a woman who has friends she’s known forever has held onto the friends through at least a few other boyfriends. So, I think it’s in your best interest to examine your feelings, stop expecting to be the center of attention, and grow to appreciate, or at least cheerfully tolerate, a few of her friends.
HTT
You give straight-forward and logical advice. I like that you don’t mince words! I’ve got a big problem I hope you can help me with.
I’ve started to become serious about a woman I’ve been dating for six months. Not marriage serious, but maybe move-in serious. She’s great: smart, beautiful, sweet, laughs at my jokes. Really, what more could I ask for? Well, the problem is that I dislike her friends! They’re loud, drama queen types who draw a lot of attention to themselves and need a lot of hand-holding and support from my girlfriend. They’ve known each other forever, and go on and on about people I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t bad people, just annoying. We go out with them about once a month, and I never have fun. What can I do about this? Should I tell my girlfriend how I feel? Or can I subtly suggest that we not spend much time with them?
Like the girl, not the posse
Dear LTGNTP,
Good that you appreciate someone who isn’t a word mincer, because I have to deliver some tough news: your girlfriend comes with her friends, so either find something to like about them or break up with her now.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you haven’t given me much to work with. Under different circumstances, a kinder middle ground might have presented itself. Say, if you disliked only one or two of her friends. Or if you and your gal rarely spent any time alone and hung with her friends several nights a week. Or, if you sounded less pouty that someone besides you was on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s attention, support, and hand-holding. If you’d thrown me any one of these bones, I might have been able to suggest some compromises or strategies for keeping the peace. I’m a peace-keeping expert!
But, come on. You dislike ALL of her friends? You only have to see them once a month? You’ve known your girlfriend for six months, she’s had these friends “forever,” and you think you’ll come out on the winning end of a conversation about how all of her friends are annoying, loud, drama queens? You never know. Maybe she’ll capitulate, in which case, her friends deserve better anyway.
However, I’m going to assume that a woman who has friends she’s known forever has held onto the friends through at least a few other boyfriends. So, I think it’s in your best interest to examine your feelings, stop expecting to be the center of attention, and grow to appreciate, or at least cheerfully tolerate, a few of her friends.
HTT
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I think my friend's ex-wife cheated on him. What should I do?
Dear HTT,
I have friends who divorced last year. I got to know them together, and the man is a good friend of my SO. My SO and the man are part of a group of friends who have known each other for over a decade, and have been witness to the marriage as it fell apart. During the separation, I vowed (to myself) to support both and not let the ex-wife feel abandoned by the whole lot of this crowd. (She and I share a few interests and I have been through my own painful split-up). She appeared to feel the need to fall back on her new-found friends and let the ex-husband have his space with his friends. I have grown closer to the ex-husband due to the closeness of him to my SO. She and I are basically acquaintances.
As tends to happen, many angry conversations came up in the ex-husbands crowd about the ex-wife. I felt the need to defend. There were questions about her fidelity, mostly surrounding the social circles she is now in. (We sometimes see each other on the weekends in this crowd). I did not say I knew for sure that she was faithful, but let the ex-husband know that I had not seen her out with an obvious attachment to another man. I also heard similar comments from others who were attempting not to be too quick to dismiss her as a friend as well.
I found out through a person who is not a close friend, but knows the ex-wife's goings-on, that she indeed did have an affair while married to her ex. (This information was unsolicited, I think alcohol contributed to this person's desire to share). I believe that this is not a rumor, because I know that she is now dating a man she was out with socially often both before and after the separation. I am unaware if this same information was also passed on to the ex-husband.
Here's The Thing-Now I feel naive and like an idiot for defending her and for taking the sometimes angry comments from both the SO and the ex-husband about why I was trying to be fair. There are a few things I am aware of going into this: a) it's really none of my business what she does, b) she is an acquaintance, and I'm closer to the ex-husband than her, and c) she probably will not perceive it if there is a change in my behavior.
So, what would you do? Do I owe the ex-husband an apology? Should I just sit tight and keep my yap shut?
FAR-TOO-FRIENDLY FRANCES
Dear Far-Too-Friendly,
I don’t think you owe the husband an apology.
Even if the woman had an affair (and you still can’t be positive that she did), you don’t know anything about the circumstances. That’s not to say a situation exists that would make you approve of her dalliance—if she had one—but there could be extenuating circumstances that might cause you to be more forgiving of her actions.
It’s impossible to truly understand the inner workings of other people’s relationships. People are inscrutable as it is, alone. But a couple equals inscrutable squared. Who can tell what makes a couple work, or not? Or what bargains were struck and compromises accepted? Maybe your friend made his wife miserable. Maybe he wasn’t faithful. Maybe they were on the verge of a breakup anyway when this alleged affair took place. Lots of maybes. I’m not trying to make excuses for her or paint him as a wife-neglecting jerk. I’m just saying there could be a lot you don’t know.
But whether she had an affair or not is almost beside the point of your question. You have nothing to apologize for. You haven’t lied to your friend. You didn’t knowingly cover for his ex-wife’s infidelity. You’ve only tried to be fair and nonjudgmental, and that certainly doesn’t make you a naïve idiot who owes anyone an apology. I think your best bet is to keep mum. Don’t engage in ex-wife bashing, but don’t feel the need to defend her either.
Thanks for writing!
HTT
I have friends who divorced last year. I got to know them together, and the man is a good friend of my SO. My SO and the man are part of a group of friends who have known each other for over a decade, and have been witness to the marriage as it fell apart. During the separation, I vowed (to myself) to support both and not let the ex-wife feel abandoned by the whole lot of this crowd. (She and I share a few interests and I have been through my own painful split-up). She appeared to feel the need to fall back on her new-found friends and let the ex-husband have his space with his friends. I have grown closer to the ex-husband due to the closeness of him to my SO. She and I are basically acquaintances.
As tends to happen, many angry conversations came up in the ex-husbands crowd about the ex-wife. I felt the need to defend. There were questions about her fidelity, mostly surrounding the social circles she is now in. (We sometimes see each other on the weekends in this crowd). I did not say I knew for sure that she was faithful, but let the ex-husband know that I had not seen her out with an obvious attachment to another man. I also heard similar comments from others who were attempting not to be too quick to dismiss her as a friend as well.
I found out through a person who is not a close friend, but knows the ex-wife's goings-on, that she indeed did have an affair while married to her ex. (This information was unsolicited, I think alcohol contributed to this person's desire to share). I believe that this is not a rumor, because I know that she is now dating a man she was out with socially often both before and after the separation. I am unaware if this same information was also passed on to the ex-husband.
Here's The Thing-Now I feel naive and like an idiot for defending her and for taking the sometimes angry comments from both the SO and the ex-husband about why I was trying to be fair. There are a few things I am aware of going into this: a) it's really none of my business what she does, b) she is an acquaintance, and I'm closer to the ex-husband than her, and c) she probably will not perceive it if there is a change in my behavior.
So, what would you do? Do I owe the ex-husband an apology? Should I just sit tight and keep my yap shut?
FAR-TOO-FRIENDLY FRANCES
Dear Far-Too-Friendly,
I don’t think you owe the husband an apology.
Even if the woman had an affair (and you still can’t be positive that she did), you don’t know anything about the circumstances. That’s not to say a situation exists that would make you approve of her dalliance—if she had one—but there could be extenuating circumstances that might cause you to be more forgiving of her actions.
It’s impossible to truly understand the inner workings of other people’s relationships. People are inscrutable as it is, alone. But a couple equals inscrutable squared. Who can tell what makes a couple work, or not? Or what bargains were struck and compromises accepted? Maybe your friend made his wife miserable. Maybe he wasn’t faithful. Maybe they were on the verge of a breakup anyway when this alleged affair took place. Lots of maybes. I’m not trying to make excuses for her or paint him as a wife-neglecting jerk. I’m just saying there could be a lot you don’t know.
But whether she had an affair or not is almost beside the point of your question. You have nothing to apologize for. You haven’t lied to your friend. You didn’t knowingly cover for his ex-wife’s infidelity. You’ve only tried to be fair and nonjudgmental, and that certainly doesn’t make you a naïve idiot who owes anyone an apology. I think your best bet is to keep mum. Don’t engage in ex-wife bashing, but don’t feel the need to defend her either.
Thanks for writing!
HTT
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
HTT, I don't like someone my husband works with, and she wants to be my friend.
Dear HTT:
I am very good friends with the wife of one of my husband’s colleagues. The guys don’t really work together, but they’re both in the same division of the company, they know and like each other, and introduced me and Madeline at a Christmas party hosted by another colleague a few years ago. Madeline and I have a lot in common and have hit it off.
Madeline’s husband has an ex-wife who also works with the guys in the same division of the company, in the same branch as my husband. My husband doesn’t know the ex-wife too well, but says she’s nice and she’s friend with my husband’s boss because their kids all attend the same small private school. I met the ex-wife a few months ago at an office Christmas party. She did seem nice, but kind of weird also--she raved about a pie I made two years earlier for an office pot luck, telling me what a great cook I was to the point that I was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was overdone. I’ve since seen her at a few functions hosted by my husband’s boss. We have polite exchanges and that’s about it. I still think she’s weird.
Lately, the ex-wife has started aggressively pursuing contact with me through my husband. She dropped by his office recently to give him a copy of “Pomegranate Soup” which she wanted him to pass along to me. She thought I’d like it because the novel includes recipes. Today she approached my husband and told him she wanted to get to know me better, she wanted to have lunch with me, and asked my husband what my schedule will be over the next few weeks so she could call and set something up.
My friend Madeline has never met the ex-wife. Apparently the divorce was amicable, but they aren’t friends and have no contact. The ex-wife married a guy that works in another division. Despite all these damn work-related social functions, I’ve never seen the two couples at the same party let alone in the same room.
The ex-wife told my husband today that she was going to call me to set up a lunch date. I’m really not interested--her interest in me seems out of place given what little we know about each other plus I see potential for awkwardness given that I am close to her ex-husband’s wife. I honestly don’t know if the ex-wife is aware of my friendship with Madeline, it is very possible she doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is she would want to know (I would if I were in her shoes).
What would you do in this situation? What could I tactfully say to get out of going to lunch yet not burn a bridge (given all these work-related social events)?
Too Many Wives
Dear Too Many,
Oh what tangled webs and all that. To be honest, this situation befuddled me to such an extent that I’ve put off answering your question, while waiting to be struck by a flash of brilliance. Sadly, no such flash has occurred, but I will procrastinate no longer.
To start, let me try to break this down to the basics:
It would be easy for me to say that life is too short to spend your free time with people you don’t particularly like. And while I whole-heartedly believe that, I’m not naive. I understand the exigencies of a social life that revolves, at least in part, around your husband’s colleagues. I’m guessing that because of the interconnectedness of this group and the variety of functions at which you’re likely to bump into all involved, you have to make nice.
First, yes, I would tell Jane that you’re friends with Madeline. Just say something like, “I wasn’t sure if you already knew, but I wanted to clear the air. I hope my relationship with Madeline doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.” If you’re lucky, it will and Jane will decide on her own that a friendship with you would just be too odd.
Or, depending on what Jane’s like, you might be able to get away with claiming awkwardness as a reason for not pursing a friendship with her. If you think she would see the logic in that and not take it personally, you could avoid burning that bridge.
If not, then, you’re left with figuring out how to be polite to Jane—since she works with your husband, is friends with his boss, and will likely see you at future social gatherings—while encouraging as little social interaction as possible. Can you say yes to an occasional lunch or coffee date, but turn down her invitations more often than not, pleading a hectic schedule? I imagine that she would eventually give up. I hate to admit that I’ve taken this very tack in several similar circumstances. I warn you that this isn’t the sort of behavior that will make you feel good about yourself. But short of saying, “I don’t like you very much and would rather not spend time with you,” I can’t think of a way other than the passive avoidance I’m recommending here.
Perhaps by now you’ve already got this conundrum all worked out and, if so, I’d love to hear how you managed!
Best,
HTT
I am very good friends with the wife of one of my husband’s colleagues. The guys don’t really work together, but they’re both in the same division of the company, they know and like each other, and introduced me and Madeline at a Christmas party hosted by another colleague a few years ago. Madeline and I have a lot in common and have hit it off.
Madeline’s husband has an ex-wife who also works with the guys in the same division of the company, in the same branch as my husband. My husband doesn’t know the ex-wife too well, but says she’s nice and she’s friend with my husband’s boss because their kids all attend the same small private school. I met the ex-wife a few months ago at an office Christmas party. She did seem nice, but kind of weird also--she raved about a pie I made two years earlier for an office pot luck, telling me what a great cook I was to the point that I was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was overdone. I’ve since seen her at a few functions hosted by my husband’s boss. We have polite exchanges and that’s about it. I still think she’s weird.
Lately, the ex-wife has started aggressively pursuing contact with me through my husband. She dropped by his office recently to give him a copy of “Pomegranate Soup” which she wanted him to pass along to me. She thought I’d like it because the novel includes recipes. Today she approached my husband and told him she wanted to get to know me better, she wanted to have lunch with me, and asked my husband what my schedule will be over the next few weeks so she could call and set something up.
My friend Madeline has never met the ex-wife. Apparently the divorce was amicable, but they aren’t friends and have no contact. The ex-wife married a guy that works in another division. Despite all these damn work-related social functions, I’ve never seen the two couples at the same party let alone in the same room.
The ex-wife told my husband today that she was going to call me to set up a lunch date. I’m really not interested--her interest in me seems out of place given what little we know about each other plus I see potential for awkwardness given that I am close to her ex-husband’s wife. I honestly don’t know if the ex-wife is aware of my friendship with Madeline, it is very possible she doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is she would want to know (I would if I were in her shoes).
What would you do in this situation? What could I tactfully say to get out of going to lunch yet not burn a bridge (given all these work-related social events)?
Too Many Wives
Dear Too Many,
Oh what tangled webs and all that. To be honest, this situation befuddled me to such an extent that I’ve put off answering your question, while waiting to be struck by a flash of brilliance. Sadly, no such flash has occurred, but I will procrastinate no longer.
To start, let me try to break this down to the basics:
- You like Madeline.
- You’re not crazy about Madeline’s husband’s ex-wife, whom, for the sake of space, I’ll call “Jane.” (Although I can understand why it might be awkward to befriend Jane, I’m not really clear why you object to her personally. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ll take your word for it.)
- Your husband works with Jane, albeit it not closely.
- Jane is friendly with your husband’s boss.
It would be easy for me to say that life is too short to spend your free time with people you don’t particularly like. And while I whole-heartedly believe that, I’m not naive. I understand the exigencies of a social life that revolves, at least in part, around your husband’s colleagues. I’m guessing that because of the interconnectedness of this group and the variety of functions at which you’re likely to bump into all involved, you have to make nice.
First, yes, I would tell Jane that you’re friends with Madeline. Just say something like, “I wasn’t sure if you already knew, but I wanted to clear the air. I hope my relationship with Madeline doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.” If you’re lucky, it will and Jane will decide on her own that a friendship with you would just be too odd.
Or, depending on what Jane’s like, you might be able to get away with claiming awkwardness as a reason for not pursing a friendship with her. If you think she would see the logic in that and not take it personally, you could avoid burning that bridge.
If not, then, you’re left with figuring out how to be polite to Jane—since she works with your husband, is friends with his boss, and will likely see you at future social gatherings—while encouraging as little social interaction as possible. Can you say yes to an occasional lunch or coffee date, but turn down her invitations more often than not, pleading a hectic schedule? I imagine that she would eventually give up. I hate to admit that I’ve taken this very tack in several similar circumstances. I warn you that this isn’t the sort of behavior that will make you feel good about yourself. But short of saying, “I don’t like you very much and would rather not spend time with you,” I can’t think of a way other than the passive avoidance I’m recommending here.
Perhaps by now you’ve already got this conundrum all worked out and, if so, I’d love to hear how you managed!
Best,
HTT
Monday, May 14, 2007
HTT, am I just grumpy?
Dear HTT,
Can you tell me if I have a valid complaint or if I'm just being grumpy and need to lighten up?
I have a certain circle of friends that, over the years, has grown quite large. There is a core group of us "regulars" and some others that might join us once in a blue moon. We get together about six times a year and have a great time. Since the people in this group are spread out all over the state, there are lots of logistics involved in planning our get-togethers and we do a lot of emailing to figure out when, where, whose bringing what, where do we meet, etc.
Recently, a guy in the group set up a listserv to facilitate the planning. It's set up so everyone gets all the emails. And therein lies the rub--we all get all the emails and there are gobs of it. Gobs. Beyond the actual planning of the event, there are side conversations, lots of teasing and joking, multiple responses to the teasing, harassment to those who can't make it ... and on and on. There are two or three people that are the main contributors to this and they enjoy the email banter. I can't stand it. The emails have become more of an event than the get-together and, for some reason, it really gets under my skin. I know it's easy to just press delete. But I don't want to see most of these emails at all. I just want to know where and when we're going and show up with whatever I need to bring.
So here's the thing--I never signed up for the listserv because I didn't want all the emails. My problem was solved. But yesterday I got added to the list by a friend who thought he was doing me a favor, like "You forgot to sign up so I did it for you." And immediately the flurry of emails filled my mailbox and I began to seethe. Should I reply to my friend that I deliberately didn't sign up and ask to be removed? Or just suck it up and press delete?
signed,
e-nnoyed
Dear e-nnoyed,
You might be grumpy, but not without cause!
Your friend breached email etiquette when he signed you up for the list without asking for your permission. I’m not saying it’s the most egregious cyber crime I’ve ever heard of, but you do have every right to be annoyed. Especially because you practiced restraint and good manners by staying out of the fray and off the list, rather than grousing to everyone about how many emails the listserv generates and how frequently people wander off topic.
Yes, if I were you, I’d ask to be removed. Sure, pressing the delete key doesn’t take that much energy, but sorting through tons of emails that you didn’t ask to receive will only irritate you more and more over time.
That being said, how will you learn about plans for the next get-together? Are group dynamics such that you’re expected to help arrange these activities, or are you under no pressure to participate in the planning? If you eventually feel the need to join the listserv in order to give your two cents about location and logistics, consider suggesting some sort of labels for email subject lines. Nothing too complicated, maybe just “Trip plans” and “Other.” At least that way, it’ll be easy to delete the casual banter and read only the emails that apply to main event.
(And besides, you want to save some on-line time to read HTT!)
HTT
Can you tell me if I have a valid complaint or if I'm just being grumpy and need to lighten up?
I have a certain circle of friends that, over the years, has grown quite large. There is a core group of us "regulars" and some others that might join us once in a blue moon. We get together about six times a year and have a great time. Since the people in this group are spread out all over the state, there are lots of logistics involved in planning our get-togethers and we do a lot of emailing to figure out when, where, whose bringing what, where do we meet, etc.
Recently, a guy in the group set up a listserv to facilitate the planning. It's set up so everyone gets all the emails. And therein lies the rub--we all get all the emails and there are gobs of it. Gobs. Beyond the actual planning of the event, there are side conversations, lots of teasing and joking, multiple responses to the teasing, harassment to those who can't make it ... and on and on. There are two or three people that are the main contributors to this and they enjoy the email banter. I can't stand it. The emails have become more of an event than the get-together and, for some reason, it really gets under my skin. I know it's easy to just press delete. But I don't want to see most of these emails at all. I just want to know where and when we're going and show up with whatever I need to bring.
So here's the thing--I never signed up for the listserv because I didn't want all the emails. My problem was solved. But yesterday I got added to the list by a friend who thought he was doing me a favor, like "You forgot to sign up so I did it for you." And immediately the flurry of emails filled my mailbox and I began to seethe. Should I reply to my friend that I deliberately didn't sign up and ask to be removed? Or just suck it up and press delete?
signed,
e-nnoyed
Dear e-nnoyed,
You might be grumpy, but not without cause!
Your friend breached email etiquette when he signed you up for the list without asking for your permission. I’m not saying it’s the most egregious cyber crime I’ve ever heard of, but you do have every right to be annoyed. Especially because you practiced restraint and good manners by staying out of the fray and off the list, rather than grousing to everyone about how many emails the listserv generates and how frequently people wander off topic.
Yes, if I were you, I’d ask to be removed. Sure, pressing the delete key doesn’t take that much energy, but sorting through tons of emails that you didn’t ask to receive will only irritate you more and more over time.
That being said, how will you learn about plans for the next get-together? Are group dynamics such that you’re expected to help arrange these activities, or are you under no pressure to participate in the planning? If you eventually feel the need to join the listserv in order to give your two cents about location and logistics, consider suggesting some sort of labels for email subject lines. Nothing too complicated, maybe just “Trip plans” and “Other.” At least that way, it’ll be easy to delete the casual banter and read only the emails that apply to main event.
(And besides, you want to save some on-line time to read HTT!)
HTT
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
HTT, how can I tell if he likes me?
Dear HTT,
After living in Raleigh for nearly two years, I recently returned to DC, where I spent my undergraduate years. I never felt at home in North Carolina and I had a hard time meeting people. (I know, I know, I didn’t try very hard and I lived in a soul-less apartment complex that you tried to warn me off of.) Anyway, I’m thrilled to be back in the Capitol and I’ve even started to hang out with a guy I met through work. Just to be clear: we don’t work together, although our paths cross once in a while because our companies do similar stuff. We share some interests and believe me, it’s not easy finding a sci fi geek who likes rock climbing! I’m starting to take a shine to him. He seems to like me, but I’m not sure how much. How can I tell?
16th Street and Loving It
Dear 16th Street,
I have no idea.
Good luck!!!
HTT
No, seriously, can’t I help with a question about finances or parents or bad hair…or bad sex even?
Yours is a situation I’ve found myself in innumerable times. Given my vast experience in the Friend Zone—that iffy territory between “he likes me-likes me” and “he’s just not that into me"—you’d think I’d have it all figured out by now. But you’d be wrong. And judging from the number of heated, hopeful conversations I’ve had with friends, both men and women, about this very topic, I’m not the only one who has trouble reading the signs or lack thereof.
Attempts to figure out one’s status seem to boil down to three key strategies:
Believe me, I wish I had a fool-proof answer. But you’ve got to determine what your constitution can handle and what feels right for your situation. I wish for you the courage for the Band Aid AND the patience for the Toe Dip.
Let me know what happens,
HTT
After living in Raleigh for nearly two years, I recently returned to DC, where I spent my undergraduate years. I never felt at home in North Carolina and I had a hard time meeting people. (I know, I know, I didn’t try very hard and I lived in a soul-less apartment complex that you tried to warn me off of.) Anyway, I’m thrilled to be back in the Capitol and I’ve even started to hang out with a guy I met through work. Just to be clear: we don’t work together, although our paths cross once in a while because our companies do similar stuff. We share some interests and believe me, it’s not easy finding a sci fi geek who likes rock climbing! I’m starting to take a shine to him. He seems to like me, but I’m not sure how much. How can I tell?
16th Street and Loving It
Dear 16th Street,
I have no idea.
Good luck!!!
HTT
No, seriously, can’t I help with a question about finances or parents or bad hair…or bad sex even?
Yours is a situation I’ve found myself in innumerable times. Given my vast experience in the Friend Zone—that iffy territory between “he likes me-likes me” and “he’s just not that into me"—you’d think I’d have it all figured out by now. But you’d be wrong. And judging from the number of heated, hopeful conversations I’ve had with friends, both men and women, about this very topic, I’m not the only one who has trouble reading the signs or lack thereof.
Attempts to figure out one’s status seem to boil down to three key strategies:
- The Band Aid: This is the rip it off and get it over with approach, whereby you take a risk, express your feelings, and hope for the best. Oddly, this approach seems to be
favored both by those who are depressingly used to rejection AND by those who have never been turned down for a date in their entire lives. Oh, and by people who have attained an uncommonly robust degree of mental health and resilience. Benefits: saves time, saves friendships (because your friends won’t have to listen to you agonize about him for weeks or months), shows maturity and courage. Drawbacks: potential for humiliation (no matter how short-lived) and awkwardness, cuts into your fantasy life should things not fall out as you hoped.
- The Toe Dip: You know how some people run full throttle into the freezing surf? And then there are the others, who wade in, step by tentative step, splashing a little cold water on their stomach and arms? Well, the Toe Dip is for those people. And if you are one of those people, you continue to hang out with Mr. Star Trek-Rock Climbing Guy, enjoy his company, get to know him more, and see what happens. Benefits: less potential for humiliation; you spend time with someone you like, engaged in activities you both enjoy; if a relationship ever does unfold, it will be based on a solid foundation of friendship. Drawbacks: requires great patience; can cause you to become even more fond of someone who ultimately might not share your ardor; if you and he are both shy Toe Dippers hell could freeze over before you figure out if you’re “just” friends or more than.
- Combination Toe Dip – Band Aid: As you can probably surmise, this approach entails toe dipping until you can’t stand the suspense, and then ripping off the Band Aid once fear of rejection is less agonizing than the wondering.
Believe me, I wish I had a fool-proof answer. But you’ve got to determine what your constitution can handle and what feels right for your situation. I wish for you the courage for the Band Aid AND the patience for the Toe Dip.
Let me know what happens,
HTT
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Back in the saddle, and "HTT, my friend 'found' herself and has become annoying about it"
So, I took a few days off. The film festival was generally amazing, but it turns out my attendance didn't leave much time for blogging or advice giving. Then, I lost power for about a day and a half because of the crazy wind storm. I had to toss the contents of my fridge, but after watching four days' worth of films about man's inhumanity to man (to say nothing of news coverage about Virginia Tech), I was able to keep the loss of a few Lean Cuisines and frozen fruit bars in perspective.
On to my next letter....
Dear HTT,
I have a good friend who has become involved in a series of time-consuming, expensive workshops designed to teach her, as she puts it, how to make her dreams reality. I'll admit she has dramatically adjusted her outlook on life, becoming more direct about asking for what she wants but also revealing a lack of self-confidence I hadn't noticed before. When she doesn't get what she asks for, or when people simply treat her badly, she blames herself for not expressing her needs clearly enough.
One evening, in a state of what sounded like manic giddiness, she phoned to tell me she wanted me to take the same workshops. I declined (for the second time that week) and she pushed: "What's standing in the way of you realizing your dreams?" It was hard for me to say, but I told her I missed her and thought poorly of the workshops. She tried recruiting several friends in our circle, even offering to loan everyone the money for the fees. No one obliged, and once the series ended, she stopped recruiting.
Fast forward a few months. I'm making an effort to pretend she didn't violate our friendship (it felt like she did, anyway; did she?) and am having a hard time with her newfound directness. She recently emailed a large group of friends to reschedule a gathering she had organized ("Check your schedules for next month. I'm going to the mountains instead!"). I probably wouldn't have minded had she softened the request with a simple "sorry, this is the only weekend we could go"; instead, she softened it with "Please join us!" Surely it wouldn't be hard for me to tell her when I'm free next month, but I'm finding myself trying to concoct reasons that I'm busy every weekend. Any suggestions on how I might overcome my annoyance, accept her new happy self for who she is, and move on?
--Anti-dreamer
Dear Anti,
At one time or another, most of us enthusiastically proselytize about something, whether it’s an author we love, a cause we support, or the best nachos in town (The Federal). So, I can’t fault your friend for extending the initial invitation. The workshops changed her life. She wanted her friends to benefit from them as well. Fine.
But she continued pushing after you declined. Not fine. I imagine also that you bristled when she chalked up your disinclination to attend the workshops to some deficiency on your part. I would have.
And while I’m fueling the fire, I’ll add that I find it annoying when people self-actualize at the expense of good manners, as your friend did in cancelling your gathering. I had an acquaintance who frequently cancelled plans at the last minute, with no apology, on the grounds that she “needed to take care of herself.” It’s not like she had a dialysis appointment.
So, what to do depends on your capacity to forget and forgive. If you can let go of any lingering bitterness about your friend’s recruiting tactics, just focus on the present. If she does something that upsets you, talk to her. But leave her self-actualization out of it, even if you think her new philosophy might be a cause of her behavior. You aren’t going to win by likening the workshops to a cult or suggesting that they had a detrimental effect on her personality. She feels strongly that they helped her and could take your criticism as sour grapes or a lack of enlightenment.
If you remain upset about the way she pushed the boundaries of your friendship (and yes, I think she did do so), you might just have to air those grievances too. Again, I’d be careful not to criticize the workshops themselves, but instead address how you felt pressured by her insistence that you attend.
Depending on how long ago she finished the workshops, it could be that time will mellow the way she applies what she learned. For now, maybe some distance between you wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you don’t want to go to the rescheduled gathering, don’t make excuses about it. Just follow her model of directness and say, “why don’t you schedule it without me this time, and I’ll make the next one.”
Finally, since you and your other friends declined her invitation, your friend is sure to sense your disapproval. Whatever discussion you have with her will be better received if you can truly imagine ways the workshops—despite what you think of them personally—may have helped her.
Take care,
HTT
On to my next letter....
Dear HTT,
I have a good friend who has become involved in a series of time-consuming, expensive workshops designed to teach her, as she puts it, how to make her dreams reality. I'll admit she has dramatically adjusted her outlook on life, becoming more direct about asking for what she wants but also revealing a lack of self-confidence I hadn't noticed before. When she doesn't get what she asks for, or when people simply treat her badly, she blames herself for not expressing her needs clearly enough.
One evening, in a state of what sounded like manic giddiness, she phoned to tell me she wanted me to take the same workshops. I declined (for the second time that week) and she pushed: "What's standing in the way of you realizing your dreams?" It was hard for me to say, but I told her I missed her and thought poorly of the workshops. She tried recruiting several friends in our circle, even offering to loan everyone the money for the fees. No one obliged, and once the series ended, she stopped recruiting.
Fast forward a few months. I'm making an effort to pretend she didn't violate our friendship (it felt like she did, anyway; did she?) and am having a hard time with her newfound directness. She recently emailed a large group of friends to reschedule a gathering she had organized ("Check your schedules for next month. I'm going to the mountains instead!"). I probably wouldn't have minded had she softened the request with a simple "sorry, this is the only weekend we could go"; instead, she softened it with "Please join us!" Surely it wouldn't be hard for me to tell her when I'm free next month, but I'm finding myself trying to concoct reasons that I'm busy every weekend. Any suggestions on how I might overcome my annoyance, accept her new happy self for who she is, and move on?
--Anti-dreamer
Dear Anti,
At one time or another, most of us enthusiastically proselytize about something, whether it’s an author we love, a cause we support, or the best nachos in town (The Federal). So, I can’t fault your friend for extending the initial invitation. The workshops changed her life. She wanted her friends to benefit from them as well. Fine.
But she continued pushing after you declined. Not fine. I imagine also that you bristled when she chalked up your disinclination to attend the workshops to some deficiency on your part. I would have.
And while I’m fueling the fire, I’ll add that I find it annoying when people self-actualize at the expense of good manners, as your friend did in cancelling your gathering. I had an acquaintance who frequently cancelled plans at the last minute, with no apology, on the grounds that she “needed to take care of herself.” It’s not like she had a dialysis appointment.
So, what to do depends on your capacity to forget and forgive. If you can let go of any lingering bitterness about your friend’s recruiting tactics, just focus on the present. If she does something that upsets you, talk to her. But leave her self-actualization out of it, even if you think her new philosophy might be a cause of her behavior. You aren’t going to win by likening the workshops to a cult or suggesting that they had a detrimental effect on her personality. She feels strongly that they helped her and could take your criticism as sour grapes or a lack of enlightenment.
If you remain upset about the way she pushed the boundaries of your friendship (and yes, I think she did do so), you might just have to air those grievances too. Again, I’d be careful not to criticize the workshops themselves, but instead address how you felt pressured by her insistence that you attend.
Depending on how long ago she finished the workshops, it could be that time will mellow the way she applies what she learned. For now, maybe some distance between you wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you don’t want to go to the rescheduled gathering, don’t make excuses about it. Just follow her model of directness and say, “why don’t you schedule it without me this time, and I’ll make the next one.”
Finally, since you and your other friends declined her invitation, your friend is sure to sense your disapproval. Whatever discussion you have with her will be better received if you can truly imagine ways the workshops—despite what you think of them personally—may have helped her.
Take care,
HTT
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
HTT, our bar is well stocked and now some of our guests think we're lushes!
Dear HTT,
My husband and I have a well-stocked bar. Nothing to compare with what you'd find in a drinking establishment, but a greater variety of liquors than we usually find at the homes of our friends.
The sitch is that we like to entertain, and we like being the type of hosts that can offer our guests a variety of drink options, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic. Aside from drinking with friends, we seldom drink ourselves.
Recently, on several occasions, guests to our home have made comments that suggested it was weird that we had so much stuff. My husband's boss' wife specifically asked me how often my husband and I make drinks for ourselves, and it was said in a way that it was clear that she was wondering if either of us had a drinking problem. A full bar doesn't mean that she's going to find a half-empty bottle of Wild Turkey next to the toilet, but apparently some people think this way.
And it seems now we've become the booze couple: At pot-luck functions hosted by other people, we're getting asked to bring the alcohol instead of food, despite the fact that I am an excellent cook (you've had the cheesy potatoes). Can you offer any advice? Should I just ignore this?
Wrong Message in the Bottles
Dear Wrong Message,
How odd that the effort you’ve made to be considerate hosts has somehow cast you in a suspicious light! If your refrigerator were equally well stocked, and I suspect it is, would people wonder if you were binge eaters?
I, myself, am not terribly adept at hosting parties, at least not without weeks of advance planning. Well, I can whip up a party-music playlist like nobody’s business, but I do not have a well-stocked bar. I have a creaky, plastic lazy Susan in a corner kitchen cabinet with several dusty, half-full bottles of no-name brandy from the last time I made sangria. There’s some decent gin in the freezer, but rarely any tonic or lime, so unless you’re pretty hardcore, you’re out of luck there. At best, I might have a bottle of wine (red only) and a few stray beers in the fridge. (I don’t drink beer, so these are leftovers from six packs brought by friends who know I’m no hostess.)
In general, people just don’t throw parties like they used to. Think about all those classic movies; homes always seemed to be equipped with a bar…an actual piece of furniture dedicated to liquor and elegant stemware. You wouldn’t see Cary Grant breezing into a friend’s place with case of Yuengling in tow.
So, I’m guessing that your friends are simply unaccustomed to people who take pains to accommodate their guests to the extent that you do. It’s unfortunate that some of your visitors think you might be in need of an intervention and a 12-step program, but you’ve handled things just right. When people comment on your bar, continue to make off-hand pleasantries about how you like to be good hosts, rather than launching into any more lengthy, apologetic explanation. If repeat guests don’t get the hint, start offering them nothing but Diet Cheerwine and tap water. That’ll show them!
As for the potlucks: next time someone asks you to bring a bottle of hooch, why don’t you say something along the lines of “Oh, gosh, I’ve been dying to try out this new recipe for crab dip. Would you mind terribly if I brought that instead?” Or, “Back in North Carolina, I was famous for my cheesy potatoes, and I’d love for y’all to try them as well and let me know what you think.”
You can have me over for a drink any time!
HTT
My husband and I have a well-stocked bar. Nothing to compare with what you'd find in a drinking establishment, but a greater variety of liquors than we usually find at the homes of our friends.
The sitch is that we like to entertain, and we like being the type of hosts that can offer our guests a variety of drink options, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic. Aside from drinking with friends, we seldom drink ourselves.
Recently, on several occasions, guests to our home have made comments that suggested it was weird that we had so much stuff. My husband's boss' wife specifically asked me how often my husband and I make drinks for ourselves, and it was said in a way that it was clear that she was wondering if either of us had a drinking problem. A full bar doesn't mean that she's going to find a half-empty bottle of Wild Turkey next to the toilet, but apparently some people think this way.
And it seems now we've become the booze couple: At pot-luck functions hosted by other people, we're getting asked to bring the alcohol instead of food, despite the fact that I am an excellent cook (you've had the cheesy potatoes). Can you offer any advice? Should I just ignore this?
Wrong Message in the Bottles
Dear Wrong Message,
How odd that the effort you’ve made to be considerate hosts has somehow cast you in a suspicious light! If your refrigerator were equally well stocked, and I suspect it is, would people wonder if you were binge eaters?
I, myself, am not terribly adept at hosting parties, at least not without weeks of advance planning. Well, I can whip up a party-music playlist like nobody’s business, but I do not have a well-stocked bar. I have a creaky, plastic lazy Susan in a corner kitchen cabinet with several dusty, half-full bottles of no-name brandy from the last time I made sangria. There’s some decent gin in the freezer, but rarely any tonic or lime, so unless you’re pretty hardcore, you’re out of luck there. At best, I might have a bottle of wine (red only) and a few stray beers in the fridge. (I don’t drink beer, so these are leftovers from six packs brought by friends who know I’m no hostess.)
In general, people just don’t throw parties like they used to. Think about all those classic movies; homes always seemed to be equipped with a bar…an actual piece of furniture dedicated to liquor and elegant stemware. You wouldn’t see Cary Grant breezing into a friend’s place with case of Yuengling in tow.So, I’m guessing that your friends are simply unaccustomed to people who take pains to accommodate their guests to the extent that you do. It’s unfortunate that some of your visitors think you might be in need of an intervention and a 12-step program, but you’ve handled things just right. When people comment on your bar, continue to make off-hand pleasantries about how you like to be good hosts, rather than launching into any more lengthy, apologetic explanation. If repeat guests don’t get the hint, start offering them nothing but Diet Cheerwine and tap water. That’ll show them!
As for the potlucks: next time someone asks you to bring a bottle of hooch, why don’t you say something along the lines of “Oh, gosh, I’ve been dying to try out this new recipe for crab dip. Would you mind terribly if I brought that instead?” Or, “Back in North Carolina, I was famous for my cheesy potatoes, and I’d love for y’all to try them as well and let me know what you think.”
You can have me over for a drink any time!
HTT
Friday, April 6, 2007
HTT, I'm starting to dislike my friend's daughter; what can I do?
Dear HTT,
My friend has a nine-year-old daughter who I am really starting to dislike. The daughter is intelligent, mature, and respectful in her dealings with me, but her interactions with her mother are something different.
The daughter interrupts conversations, sometimes just making loud noises if she doesn't have anything to say. If there's a plan to be somewhere and the daughter is involved somehow, they will be late. I've been there when the daughter dawdles, saying she forgot to feed the hamster, or she needs to go to the bathroom, etc. while keeping a roomful of adults waiting. Last month a dinner out was ruined because the daughter not only needed to visit the bathroom three times over the course of the evening, she required her mother to go with her and each visit took a minimum of 20 minutes. The daughter also speaks disrespectfully to her mother, talking to her as if she is stupid. The last time she did this, I did intervene, and I told the girl that I thought what she said was a really mean thing to say to her mother. The girl's response was that she "...didn't care, that [she] wanted to make her mother miserable."
The girl's mother is a very caring, gentle and good person, mother and friend. The family also lost everything in Katrina, and are trying to rebuild their home. I can see my friend struggling with everything that is already going on in her life, so seeing her treated badly by her child...well, you can imagine.
I'm finding myself bowing out of plans that involve the daughter as I'm finding it increasingly difficult to disguise my dislike of her. Is there something else I can do, either something that will make the kid bother me less or something I could/should say? Since the bad behavior is directed at the mother and not me, I've been thinking it's inappropriate to get in the middle. What do you think?
Loyal Fan of the Advice Goddess
Dear LF,
Thanks for writing and for reading my column so faithfully!
I have six nieces and nephews and some very good friends with children. So I know that even the best kids can be trying sometimes. Just like adults! And no matter how charming a friend’s entire family unit may be, there are still times when you just want an adult conversation sprinkled with a few choice curses and a gin and tonic. Definitely not kid friendly.
But the behavior you describe sounds more serious than the occasional temper tantrum or back talk. I’m curious; did you know this family pre-Katrina? I wonder how much of the girl’s behavior might be a result of hurricane-related trauma she’s experienced. I imagine that losing everything at that age (or at any age) could unmoor a person. Here’s an excerpt from an article about the kinds of behavior child victims of Katrina have been exhibiting in school:
"Reaction to Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent Hurricane Rita has varied according to age. Younger children tended to exhibit internalizing behavior such as fear, behavior regression or apathy. Most teachers were somewhat prepared for these reactions. However, many teachers were not expecting the externalizing behavior seen in middle school and high school-aged children. They hadn’t expected to witness aggressive, angry behavior or the tension and violent incidents that developed."
Another article went on to list some behaviors that could be expected of children who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina, even two years later:
• Extended periods of depression (loss of interest in activities, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, inability to experience moments of joy, profound emptiness)
• Inability to respond to comfort and rejection of support
• Purposeful withdrawal from friends, loss of sociability
• Destructive outbursts
• Inappropriate/illegal behavior
• Decline in school performance, refusal to attend school
So is it possible this kid is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder? Or that she’s lashing out because of the chaos that must surely accompany the rebuilding of their house and their lives?
Or, then again, for all I know, maybe she’s just a brat.
But in either case, I don’t think you can get away with a direct intervention aimed at the daughter. If you and your friend are close and if your relationship can withstand an above-average level of candor, you might be able to tell her that you’re worried about her and her daughter. Maybe something along the lines of “I’ve noticed that little Emma seems angry lately. Is she having a tough time in school/with all the change in her life/etc.?”
If that feels uncomfortable, you might just have to avoid going on any mother-daughter outings with them for a while. When you invite your friend to socialize, be clear that you need adult time with her. And hope that her daughter’s just going though a phase.
Let me know how it works out.
HTT
My friend has a nine-year-old daughter who I am really starting to dislike. The daughter is intelligent, mature, and respectful in her dealings with me, but her interactions with her mother are something different.
The daughter interrupts conversations, sometimes just making loud noises if she doesn't have anything to say. If there's a plan to be somewhere and the daughter is involved somehow, they will be late. I've been there when the daughter dawdles, saying she forgot to feed the hamster, or she needs to go to the bathroom, etc. while keeping a roomful of adults waiting. Last month a dinner out was ruined because the daughter not only needed to visit the bathroom three times over the course of the evening, she required her mother to go with her and each visit took a minimum of 20 minutes. The daughter also speaks disrespectfully to her mother, talking to her as if she is stupid. The last time she did this, I did intervene, and I told the girl that I thought what she said was a really mean thing to say to her mother. The girl's response was that she "...didn't care, that [she] wanted to make her mother miserable."
The girl's mother is a very caring, gentle and good person, mother and friend. The family also lost everything in Katrina, and are trying to rebuild their home. I can see my friend struggling with everything that is already going on in her life, so seeing her treated badly by her child...well, you can imagine.
I'm finding myself bowing out of plans that involve the daughter as I'm finding it increasingly difficult to disguise my dislike of her. Is there something else I can do, either something that will make the kid bother me less or something I could/should say? Since the bad behavior is directed at the mother and not me, I've been thinking it's inappropriate to get in the middle. What do you think?
Loyal Fan of the Advice Goddess
Dear LF,
Thanks for writing and for reading my column so faithfully!
I have six nieces and nephews and some very good friends with children. So I know that even the best kids can be trying sometimes. Just like adults! And no matter how charming a friend’s entire family unit may be, there are still times when you just want an adult conversation sprinkled with a few choice curses and a gin and tonic. Definitely not kid friendly.
But the behavior you describe sounds more serious than the occasional temper tantrum or back talk. I’m curious; did you know this family pre-Katrina? I wonder how much of the girl’s behavior might be a result of hurricane-related trauma she’s experienced. I imagine that losing everything at that age (or at any age) could unmoor a person. Here’s an excerpt from an article about the kinds of behavior child victims of Katrina have been exhibiting in school:
"Reaction to Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent Hurricane Rita has varied according to age. Younger children tended to exhibit internalizing behavior such as fear, behavior regression or apathy. Most teachers were somewhat prepared for these reactions. However, many teachers were not expecting the externalizing behavior seen in middle school and high school-aged children. They hadn’t expected to witness aggressive, angry behavior or the tension and violent incidents that developed."
Another article went on to list some behaviors that could be expected of children who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina, even two years later:
• Extended periods of depression (loss of interest in activities, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, inability to experience moments of joy, profound emptiness)
• Inability to respond to comfort and rejection of support
• Purposeful withdrawal from friends, loss of sociability
• Destructive outbursts
• Inappropriate/illegal behavior
• Decline in school performance, refusal to attend school
So is it possible this kid is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder? Or that she’s lashing out because of the chaos that must surely accompany the rebuilding of their house and their lives?
Or, then again, for all I know, maybe she’s just a brat.
But in either case, I don’t think you can get away with a direct intervention aimed at the daughter. If you and your friend are close and if your relationship can withstand an above-average level of candor, you might be able to tell her that you’re worried about her and her daughter. Maybe something along the lines of “I’ve noticed that little Emma seems angry lately. Is she having a tough time in school/with all the change in her life/etc.?”
If that feels uncomfortable, you might just have to avoid going on any mother-daughter outings with them for a while. When you invite your friend to socialize, be clear that you need adult time with her. And hope that her daughter’s just going though a phase.
Let me know how it works out.
HTT
Monday, March 26, 2007
HTT, do I have to chip in on expensive gifts?
Dear HTT,
Ok, here's the thing.....I am blessed by having a lot of friends, and several different circles of friends. This is great, don't get me wrong, but one particular circle of friends is large, quite large, and growing larger. Also not necessarily a bad thing. Here's the rub, though. This circle has gotten big enough to where I'm really not friends, per se, with everyone, and I barely see them due to the demands on my time. This circle of friends loves to celebrate everyone's birthday. Sweet, I know. But instead of just getting together for brunch or drinks or whatever, they also kick in for elaborate gifts. I'm talking Coach bags and jewelry from Tiffany's. I'm not making this up. Just ask our mutual Dream Weaver-loving friend---she knows of them.
Now, this is a fun-loving bunch of ladies, true. And incidentally, I love to get people presents, especially when I don't feel obligated. I love spontaneously seeing something and thinking, "oh, so-and-so would get a kick out of that" and picking it up for no reason. I should also make it clear that I'm a Target and Marshall's kind of gal, and my handbags do not EVER cost me even a fraction of a utility bill. Not only is it against my religion to pay retail, but I have a child and a house and therefore a budget---imagine that. Incidentally, we usually do not do this for my birthday, mainly because I don't like a big fuss, and when we have done it, people have just brought cute little presents like lotions and candles, that kind of thing, which I love! I would be mortified to get a Tiffany necklace from any one other than my hubby, and that ain't gonna happen!
The other problem with this gift-giving circle is that I'm very close to some of the women and not close at all with others. Read, I would love to give gifts to some, have no interest in it for the others. But it's become too difficult to give to some and not others. Help!!! How do I gracefully get off this carousel?
Thanks,
A Friend by 1 degree of Separation
Dear 1 Degree,
My most beloved “purse” is a vinyl messenger bag, and my taste in jewelry skews toward the “look what I made at the bead store” variety. So, I had literally no idea how much a Coach bag or Tiffany necklace could set a person back.
After a quick trip to www.coach.com, I discovered that the least expensive bag was the Hamptons Signature Swing Pack
at $118. Now, I wouldn’t call $118 ridiculous for a good handbag, although it's more than I'd usually spend. However, I would expect my 118-dollar bag to hold more than a lipstick, one tampon (OB only), a Chicklet, and a driver’s license. And that’s about all one could tote about in the Hamptons Swing Pack.
I guess “Hamptons” should have clued me in. It’s not the Myrtle Beach Swing Pack or even the Southport Swing Pack. Near the other end of the spectrum was the vintage leather “Hobo” at $498. How the word “hobo” and the price $498 can possibly be affixed to the same accessory is beyond me.
So, yeah, yikes. Depending on how many people are splitting the cost, buying lots of these sorts of gifts could really send a person to the poorhouse. Here’s what I suggest: Before the next birthday rolls around, simply say, “I’m trying to put aside money for my kid’s braces (or college education, or a family vacation, or you know, groceries!), and I need to start following a more stringent budget. I want to continue celebrating birthdays with all of you, but I’m going to need to bow out of the group gift.” There’s nothing shameful in that. But if it feels awkward to attend these celebrations empty handed, you might decide to pick out a small, thoughtful present that doesn’t cost as much as your January PSNC bill, or simply buy a card.
And if you want to continue buying gifts for the women you’re closest to, can you do so and just give them their presents outside of the big-group get-togethers? Surely these good friends will be discreet about it and not announce to the rest, “look at the wonderful earrings 1 Degree gave me for my birthday.”
You might even find that others in the group feel similarly and will be relieved to jump off that carousel with you!
Hope it all works out.
HTT
Ok, here's the thing.....I am blessed by having a lot of friends, and several different circles of friends. This is great, don't get me wrong, but one particular circle of friends is large, quite large, and growing larger. Also not necessarily a bad thing. Here's the rub, though. This circle has gotten big enough to where I'm really not friends, per se, with everyone, and I barely see them due to the demands on my time. This circle of friends loves to celebrate everyone's birthday. Sweet, I know. But instead of just getting together for brunch or drinks or whatever, they also kick in for elaborate gifts. I'm talking Coach bags and jewelry from Tiffany's. I'm not making this up. Just ask our mutual Dream Weaver-loving friend---she knows of them.
Now, this is a fun-loving bunch of ladies, true. And incidentally, I love to get people presents, especially when I don't feel obligated. I love spontaneously seeing something and thinking, "oh, so-and-so would get a kick out of that" and picking it up for no reason. I should also make it clear that I'm a Target and Marshall's kind of gal, and my handbags do not EVER cost me even a fraction of a utility bill. Not only is it against my religion to pay retail, but I have a child and a house and therefore a budget---imagine that. Incidentally, we usually do not do this for my birthday, mainly because I don't like a big fuss, and when we have done it, people have just brought cute little presents like lotions and candles, that kind of thing, which I love! I would be mortified to get a Tiffany necklace from any one other than my hubby, and that ain't gonna happen!
The other problem with this gift-giving circle is that I'm very close to some of the women and not close at all with others. Read, I would love to give gifts to some, have no interest in it for the others. But it's become too difficult to give to some and not others. Help!!! How do I gracefully get off this carousel?
Thanks,
A Friend by 1 degree of Separation
Dear 1 Degree,
My most beloved “purse” is a vinyl messenger bag, and my taste in jewelry skews toward the “look what I made at the bead store” variety. So, I had literally no idea how much a Coach bag or Tiffany necklace could set a person back.
After a quick trip to www.coach.com, I discovered that the least expensive bag was the Hamptons Signature Swing Pack
at $118. Now, I wouldn’t call $118 ridiculous for a good handbag, although it's more than I'd usually spend. However, I would expect my 118-dollar bag to hold more than a lipstick, one tampon (OB only), a Chicklet, and a driver’s license. And that’s about all one could tote about in the Hamptons Swing Pack.
I guess “Hamptons” should have clued me in. It’s not the Myrtle Beach Swing Pack or even the Southport Swing Pack. Near the other end of the spectrum was the vintage leather “Hobo” at $498. How the word “hobo” and the price $498 can possibly be affixed to the same accessory is beyond me.So, yeah, yikes. Depending on how many people are splitting the cost, buying lots of these sorts of gifts could really send a person to the poorhouse. Here’s what I suggest: Before the next birthday rolls around, simply say, “I’m trying to put aside money for my kid’s braces (or college education, or a family vacation, or you know, groceries!), and I need to start following a more stringent budget. I want to continue celebrating birthdays with all of you, but I’m going to need to bow out of the group gift.” There’s nothing shameful in that. But if it feels awkward to attend these celebrations empty handed, you might decide to pick out a small, thoughtful present that doesn’t cost as much as your January PSNC bill, or simply buy a card.
And if you want to continue buying gifts for the women you’re closest to, can you do so and just give them their presents outside of the big-group get-togethers? Surely these good friends will be discreet about it and not announce to the rest, “look at the wonderful earrings 1 Degree gave me for my birthday.”
You might even find that others in the group feel similarly and will be relieved to jump off that carousel with you!
Hope it all works out.
HTT
Saturday, March 17, 2007
HTT, should I tell my friend to can it?
Dear HTT,
I have a friend who won’t stop talking about an ex-boyfriend. “Karl” is mentioned in just about every conversation. She and Karl dated off and on for a rocky five years or so—he was possessive, jealous, had a serious drinking problem, plus her kids didn’t like him and she didn’t like his family. The only positive thing she has said about him was that he was drop-dead gorgeous.
Their relationship ended badly after a particularly bad alcohol-induced argument. That was fifteen years ago. Since then, they’ve had no contact. She discovered about a year ago that he died in 2004. My friend was understandably very upset, but said she wasn’t really surprised at his passing given the extent of his drinking problem. Nevertheless, she claims the happiest time of her life was spent on the beach with Karl.
But here’s the kicker: She’s been happily (according to her) married for the past ten years to an intelligent, attractive, caring man who isn’t possessive, is a great father to her children and doesn’t have a drinking problem. My friend has no complaints about her husband, yet she still talks longingly about Karl--she watches TV shows which feature actors who remind her of him, she listens to music from the time they spent together. As her friend I know more about the significant details of her relationship with Karl than I do about her relationship with her husband. Recently she and her husband attended a romantic, black tie and champagne event at a historic hotel as part of a romantic weekend getaway. While dancing with her husband under the crystal chandelier, she said the music reminded her of dancing with Karl.
I’ve been trying to break my friend of talking to me so much about Karl, especially in front of her husband, as it makes me uncomfortable. I asked her to consider whether all the talk of Karl might be hurtful to her husband. She claims it never bothers him. I worry that by thinking so much about the past, my friend will create problems with the guy she has now and miss out on good times with him. Besides, the old boyfriend is not only long gone, it sounds like he was bad news best left in the past.
Should I say something more to my friend, or keep my big damn opinionated mouth shut?
Enough Already
Dear Enough Already,
You should say something more to your friend.
That might be the fastest I’ve ever gotten around to giving my opinion!
But now, two quick stories. And you thought you were getting off easy.
I have a very good friend, whom I love dearly. She is warm, kind, smart, funny, supportive…basically, everything you could ever hope for in a friend.
But her cell phone, which she uses frequently because of the nature of her work, plays Gary Wright's “Dream Weaver” when it rings. And it rings often. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck humming “Dreammmmmmmweaver” for hours after she gets a phone call. Anyway, she and I and another friend were about to embark on vacation, and when we got to the airport I said, “I hope you’re not planning to bring your cell phone with you, because the first time I hear ‘Dream Weaver’ in Ireland, I’m tossing that thing out the window.” I heard nary a 70s chestnut the entire vacation.
On the same trip, I commented more than a few times that a certain cow or sheep or pig reminded me of my dog, Samson. (There is no rational explanation, really. I missed him, and cows have kind, brown eyes like he does and are often similarly
spotted. Whatever.) One day, in Northern Ireland, standing on a wall overlooking the town of Derry, my Dream-Weaver-loving friend pointed wistfully to a border collie that brought to mind her own. To which I replied, “This dog doesn’t look like yours. This one’s got a lot more white on her.” My friend gave me an incredulous stare and said, with an even, but clearly displeased voice, “Oh. Sure. You can be reminded of your dog by FARM animals, but I look at a DOG of the same BREED, and can’t be reminded of my dog?” I laughed at how ridiculous I’d been and shut up about dogs after that.
(I’m getting back round to you, so bear with me.)
You say you’ve already tried to break your friend of her dead ex-boyfriend habit. You likely did so with tact and grace. Unsuccessfully. As such, it might be time to say less-than-half-jokingly, “I’m going to lose my mind if I have to hear about Karl one more time.” I know this doesn’t jibe with my usual advice, which tends occupy the “be honest but gentle” territory. But what I tried to get across with my Ireland stories is that sometimes it takes a direct, straightforward, and possibly even jarring comment to get through to people. A strong friendship can take it, and anyone with a sense of humor should be able to laugh at herself and recognize her foibles.
I think you need to risk it. This is a quality of life issue for you and a mental health issue for her. How much you should be concerned about the latter depends on how close you two are, but you have every right to want to improve the former.
Best of luck!
HTT
I have a friend who won’t stop talking about an ex-boyfriend. “Karl” is mentioned in just about every conversation. She and Karl dated off and on for a rocky five years or so—he was possessive, jealous, had a serious drinking problem, plus her kids didn’t like him and she didn’t like his family. The only positive thing she has said about him was that he was drop-dead gorgeous.
Their relationship ended badly after a particularly bad alcohol-induced argument. That was fifteen years ago. Since then, they’ve had no contact. She discovered about a year ago that he died in 2004. My friend was understandably very upset, but said she wasn’t really surprised at his passing given the extent of his drinking problem. Nevertheless, she claims the happiest time of her life was spent on the beach with Karl.
But here’s the kicker: She’s been happily (according to her) married for the past ten years to an intelligent, attractive, caring man who isn’t possessive, is a great father to her children and doesn’t have a drinking problem. My friend has no complaints about her husband, yet she still talks longingly about Karl--she watches TV shows which feature actors who remind her of him, she listens to music from the time they spent together. As her friend I know more about the significant details of her relationship with Karl than I do about her relationship with her husband. Recently she and her husband attended a romantic, black tie and champagne event at a historic hotel as part of a romantic weekend getaway. While dancing with her husband under the crystal chandelier, she said the music reminded her of dancing with Karl.
I’ve been trying to break my friend of talking to me so much about Karl, especially in front of her husband, as it makes me uncomfortable. I asked her to consider whether all the talk of Karl might be hurtful to her husband. She claims it never bothers him. I worry that by thinking so much about the past, my friend will create problems with the guy she has now and miss out on good times with him. Besides, the old boyfriend is not only long gone, it sounds like he was bad news best left in the past.
Should I say something more to my friend, or keep my big damn opinionated mouth shut?
Enough Already
Dear Enough Already,
You should say something more to your friend.
That might be the fastest I’ve ever gotten around to giving my opinion!
But now, two quick stories. And you thought you were getting off easy.
I have a very good friend, whom I love dearly. She is warm, kind, smart, funny, supportive…basically, everything you could ever hope for in a friend.
But her cell phone, which she uses frequently because of the nature of her work, plays Gary Wright's “Dream Weaver” when it rings. And it rings often. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck humming “Dreammmmmmmweaver” for hours after she gets a phone call. Anyway, she and I and another friend were about to embark on vacation, and when we got to the airport I said, “I hope you’re not planning to bring your cell phone with you, because the first time I hear ‘Dream Weaver’ in Ireland, I’m tossing that thing out the window.” I heard nary a 70s chestnut the entire vacation.On the same trip, I commented more than a few times that a certain cow or sheep or pig reminded me of my dog, Samson. (There is no rational explanation, really. I missed him, and cows have kind, brown eyes like he does and are often similarly
spotted. Whatever.) One day, in Northern Ireland, standing on a wall overlooking the town of Derry, my Dream-Weaver-loving friend pointed wistfully to a border collie that brought to mind her own. To which I replied, “This dog doesn’t look like yours. This one’s got a lot more white on her.” My friend gave me an incredulous stare and said, with an even, but clearly displeased voice, “Oh. Sure. You can be reminded of your dog by FARM animals, but I look at a DOG of the same BREED, and can’t be reminded of my dog?” I laughed at how ridiculous I’d been and shut up about dogs after that.(I’m getting back round to you, so bear with me.)
You say you’ve already tried to break your friend of her dead ex-boyfriend habit. You likely did so with tact and grace. Unsuccessfully. As such, it might be time to say less-than-half-jokingly, “I’m going to lose my mind if I have to hear about Karl one more time.” I know this doesn’t jibe with my usual advice, which tends occupy the “be honest but gentle” territory. But what I tried to get across with my Ireland stories is that sometimes it takes a direct, straightforward, and possibly even jarring comment to get through to people. A strong friendship can take it, and anyone with a sense of humor should be able to laugh at herself and recognize her foibles.
I think you need to risk it. This is a quality of life issue for you and a mental health issue for her. How much you should be concerned about the latter depends on how close you two are, but you have every right to want to improve the former.
Best of luck!
HTT
Monday, March 12, 2007
HTT: Do I tell my friend that her head looks like an eggplant?
Dear HTT,
Several months ago, after complaining for years about not liking her hair, a friend of mine got a drastic new hair-do. She had many inches cut off and she colored it with a shade that sported odd undertones. Really, when the sun hit it at just the right angle, it gave off an eggplanty glow. She came to my house straight from the salon looking for affirmation and support. And I gave it to her. As much as I hated her new look, I just didn’t want to crush her when clearly she wasn’t feeling great about it herself. (She’s had a lot of real trouble of late and bad hair was the last thing she needed.) So, I might have gone overboard. Instead of saying something like, “Well, it’s not bad” or “The change is kind of overwhelming but I’m sure I’ll get used to it,” I practically raved.
So now after about four months, her hair has grown out some and the color has faded enough that she no longer has an aura around her head. But she’s making plans to go back to the same salon and ask for a repeat! What should I do? I really think the look wasn’t very flattering, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. And I feel a little responsible since I praised it so highly the first time. Am I going to hell for my big white lie? Should I fess up? Or is it possible she really likes the hair do, and does that mean I should just keep my mouth shut?
A hairy problem
Dear Hairy Problem,
First, I don’t really believe in hell, so no, I don’t think you’re headed there. But let me pretend, for a second, that I am worried about eternal damnation, and maybe I should be! Even then I can’t help but feel that the intention of your white lie---to keep from hurting your friend’s feelings---will get you off the hook and out of the handbasket.
But I doubt a theological discussion was really what you were after, so let’s move on to an issue about which I have much more authority: hair and all its related problems. I, myself, have suffered for years with a hair inferiority complex. Mine is big and unruly. It’s rarely professional and often looks as if I’ve just ended a 200-mile road trip taken at full speed with the windows down. It cannot be forced into any hip, kicky style. As often as not I pull my hair back into a ponytail, which is not exactly the height of fashion but which keeps its frizzy curls out of my way. My bathroom cabinet is, at this very moment, overflowing with potions, lotions, waxes, salves, serums, gels, mousses, sprays, putties, infusions, moisturizers, and balms that I’ve used in millions of combinations in an attempt to achieve good hair.
So I can empathize with your friend’s frustration over the hair status quo and I can see why went she for broke with a brand new do. I applaud her for trying something radical. And you for not hurting her feelings. You did what you thought was right in the moment. But now I think your chance to tell her you don’t like her hair has passed. After all, no matter how much she needed your encouragement at first, it sounds like she’s grown to like her hair style. Maybe she enjoys the attention that a purple aura attracts.
On the other hand, if she’s less decisive than I’m imagining, if she’s hemming and hawing, if she flat out asks you what you think, be gentle but honest. Apologize for misleading her last time. I think she’ll understand.
Good luck!
HTT
Several months ago, after complaining for years about not liking her hair, a friend of mine got a drastic new hair-do. She had many inches cut off and she colored it with a shade that sported odd undertones. Really, when the sun hit it at just the right angle, it gave off an eggplanty glow. She came to my house straight from the salon looking for affirmation and support. And I gave it to her. As much as I hated her new look, I just didn’t want to crush her when clearly she wasn’t feeling great about it herself. (She’s had a lot of real trouble of late and bad hair was the last thing she needed.) So, I might have gone overboard. Instead of saying something like, “Well, it’s not bad” or “The change is kind of overwhelming but I’m sure I’ll get used to it,” I practically raved.
So now after about four months, her hair has grown out some and the color has faded enough that she no longer has an aura around her head. But she’s making plans to go back to the same salon and ask for a repeat! What should I do? I really think the look wasn’t very flattering, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. And I feel a little responsible since I praised it so highly the first time. Am I going to hell for my big white lie? Should I fess up? Or is it possible she really likes the hair do, and does that mean I should just keep my mouth shut?
A hairy problem
Dear Hairy Problem,
First, I don’t really believe in hell, so no, I don’t think you’re headed there. But let me pretend, for a second, that I am worried about eternal damnation, and maybe I should be! Even then I can’t help but feel that the intention of your white lie---to keep from hurting your friend’s feelings---will get you off the hook and out of the handbasket.
But I doubt a theological discussion was really what you were after, so let’s move on to an issue about which I have much more authority: hair and all its related problems. I, myself, have suffered for years with a hair inferiority complex. Mine is big and unruly. It’s rarely professional and often looks as if I’ve just ended a 200-mile road trip taken at full speed with the windows down. It cannot be forced into any hip, kicky style. As often as not I pull my hair back into a ponytail, which is not exactly the height of fashion but which keeps its frizzy curls out of my way. My bathroom cabinet is, at this very moment, overflowing with potions, lotions, waxes, salves, serums, gels, mousses, sprays, putties, infusions, moisturizers, and balms that I’ve used in millions of combinations in an attempt to achieve good hair.
So I can empathize with your friend’s frustration over the hair status quo and I can see why went she for broke with a brand new do. I applaud her for trying something radical. And you for not hurting her feelings. You did what you thought was right in the moment. But now I think your chance to tell her you don’t like her hair has passed. After all, no matter how much she needed your encouragement at first, it sounds like she’s grown to like her hair style. Maybe she enjoys the attention that a purple aura attracts.
On the other hand, if she’s less decisive than I’m imagining, if she’s hemming and hawing, if she flat out asks you what you think, be gentle but honest. Apologize for misleading her last time. I think she’ll understand.
Good luck!
HTT
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
HTT, my friend is scaring off my dates!
Dear HTT,
I have a friend (who’s newly married) who seems to get in the way of my dating prospects. For example, a co-worker of hers twice told her that he thought I was cute and she told him (and told me later) that I was too old for him.
More recently, I went out with a group of friends including a guy friend of hers that had previously expressed interest in me. He and I had a great time--dancing and laughing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. A few days later, my friend calls me and tells me that she went to visit this guy at work and they talked about the weekend. She relayed the information that this guy likes me but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I never got the impression that these two were close friends, so I'm surprised at the level of detail she went into. She went on to further discourage me by saying he has many other women interested in him and that I "shouldn't chase men."
I am so angry that she had this conversation with him (not to mention the hurtful comments she made to me). So my question is, do I confront her about getting in the middle? Or do nothing and just beware, since she obviously has personal issues that I can't control? I'm afraid that if there is any possibility that this guy and I might date--now or in the future--she will kill it. (Granted, if this guy decided to communicate through her rather than with me directly, that would be another issue. But that remains to be seen.)
Also, there is a chance I'm going to run into this guy this weekend (without her around). Is there a subtle way I can let him know that I don't want to communicate with him through our mutual friend, but would like to stay in touch?
*******************
Your letter got me riled up. Where does this woman get off telling someone you’re too old? And, what in the world---you shouldn’t “chase men”? What is this, Desperate Housewives? “Man chaser” is to “someone who dates” as “unpatriotic” is to “someone who disagrees with the war.”
Working up a good head of steam wasn’t helping me get any clarity on your problem, though, so I made all kinds of flow charts and decision trees in an attempt to sort this out. They were messy and ultimately not very useful. But amid the chicken scratch, one question kept popping up: How good a friend is this?
I was tempted to answer the question myself with a snippy “not very.” But it’s naive to pretend that even good friends can’t be clueless or hurtful once in a while. And if this woman isn’t a best buddy, she might still be someone with whom you’d like to remain friends on some level.
If so, I think you should confront her. Well “confront” may be too confrontational. Ha. Talk to her. I think the whole guy/dating aspect carries too much charge, so rather than accusing her of manipulating your love life, consider emphasizing how her comments have hurt your feelings. This brings the conversation out of the “man chasing” realm, which she obviously has some sort of issue with, and makes it more personal. Can you do that? Make it less about the guys and more about the friendship?
On the other hand, if you’re so fed up with her that future friendship is out of the cards, if you suspect she’s more malicious than clueless, I’d just let it drop. And try to keep your dating life as separate from her as possible. (Probably not a bad thing to do in either scenario.)
Along those lines, if you run into the guy this weekend, do you really have to be all that subtle about your interest? Now, mind you, I’m not often one to go out on a limb in this kind of situation, unfortunately. But in your case, the risk seems low. You’ve already got pretty strong evidence that he likes you, even if it’s not in a long-term-relationship kind of way at this point. Can you say, “Hey, I’d like to keep in touch. Here’s my email/phone number so you don’t have to go though our mutual friend anymore”?
Let me know how it turns out.
HTT
I have a friend (who’s newly married) who seems to get in the way of my dating prospects. For example, a co-worker of hers twice told her that he thought I was cute and she told him (and told me later) that I was too old for him.
More recently, I went out with a group of friends including a guy friend of hers that had previously expressed interest in me. He and I had a great time--dancing and laughing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. A few days later, my friend calls me and tells me that she went to visit this guy at work and they talked about the weekend. She relayed the information that this guy likes me but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I never got the impression that these two were close friends, so I'm surprised at the level of detail she went into. She went on to further discourage me by saying he has many other women interested in him and that I "shouldn't chase men."
I am so angry that she had this conversation with him (not to mention the hurtful comments she made to me). So my question is, do I confront her about getting in the middle? Or do nothing and just beware, since she obviously has personal issues that I can't control? I'm afraid that if there is any possibility that this guy and I might date--now or in the future--she will kill it. (Granted, if this guy decided to communicate through her rather than with me directly, that would be another issue. But that remains to be seen.)
Also, there is a chance I'm going to run into this guy this weekend (without her around). Is there a subtle way I can let him know that I don't want to communicate with him through our mutual friend, but would like to stay in touch?
*******************
Your letter got me riled up. Where does this woman get off telling someone you’re too old? And, what in the world---you shouldn’t “chase men”? What is this, Desperate Housewives? “Man chaser” is to “someone who dates” as “unpatriotic” is to “someone who disagrees with the war.”
Working up a good head of steam wasn’t helping me get any clarity on your problem, though, so I made all kinds of flow charts and decision trees in an attempt to sort this out. They were messy and ultimately not very useful. But amid the chicken scratch, one question kept popping up: How good a friend is this?
I was tempted to answer the question myself with a snippy “not very.” But it’s naive to pretend that even good friends can’t be clueless or hurtful once in a while. And if this woman isn’t a best buddy, she might still be someone with whom you’d like to remain friends on some level.
If so, I think you should confront her. Well “confront” may be too confrontational. Ha. Talk to her. I think the whole guy/dating aspect carries too much charge, so rather than accusing her of manipulating your love life, consider emphasizing how her comments have hurt your feelings. This brings the conversation out of the “man chasing” realm, which she obviously has some sort of issue with, and makes it more personal. Can you do that? Make it less about the guys and more about the friendship?
On the other hand, if you’re so fed up with her that future friendship is out of the cards, if you suspect she’s more malicious than clueless, I’d just let it drop. And try to keep your dating life as separate from her as possible. (Probably not a bad thing to do in either scenario.)
Along those lines, if you run into the guy this weekend, do you really have to be all that subtle about your interest? Now, mind you, I’m not often one to go out on a limb in this kind of situation, unfortunately. But in your case, the risk seems low. You’ve already got pretty strong evidence that he likes you, even if it’s not in a long-term-relationship kind of way at this point. Can you say, “Hey, I’d like to keep in touch. Here’s my email/phone number so you don’t have to go though our mutual friend anymore”?
Let me know how it turns out.
HTT
Monday, February 19, 2007
I'm in no mood to celebrate
Dear HTT,
I recently (well, a year ago) went through the breakup of a very long-term relationship. I have had wonderful support of friends, and am getting on with most aspects of life pretty well. I've gotten used to going to sleep and waking up alone. I've started enjoying the fact that any mess in my house is mine alone. The cooking for one -- not so fun yet. But, what I'm saying is that all-in-all, I'm making progress and adjusting to this new life.
My difficulty lies in seeing other couples doing their "we're happy couples having a happy life" things: weddings, bridal showers, engagement parties, baby showers, children's parties, etc. I find every excuse in the book to stay home from these happy events. I don't even deliver gifts late with my apologies. I guess I kind of pretend they never happened. I don't even RSVP, come to think of it -- that's the denial I'm in!
So, a few questions come to mind. Am I being a self-centered terrible friend? I know I should at least RSVP, but is it horrible of me to just not want to go? How long will I feel like I can't handle "in my face" happiness? Any suggestions for helping to get over this hurdle?
Please help,
Single and (Almost) Loving It
Dear (Almost) Loving It,
Not to be flippant, but there’s a good reason the saying goes “misery loves company” and not “misery loves hanging around with happy people.” As socially unacceptable as it might be to admit, who among us hasn’t pasted on a smile upon hearing someone’s good news while we, ourselves, are suffering about something? This isn’t a character flaw, it’s human nature. Legitimate happiness for our friends and melancholy over our own situation aren’t mutually exclusive, just hard to express in a way that doesn’t make us feel like a killjoy.
So, no, wanting to steer clear of celebratory events doesn’t make you a horrible person. I’m not sure how long it'll take before the arrival of thick ivory envelopes with calligraphy and LOVE stamps will fail to make you a little sad. It’ll take as long as it takes, and you should try not to chastise yourself.
You might also try prioritizing and attend the events that you’d later regret missing, even if going takes something out of you now. Your best friend is having a baby? Go to the shower and pretend to be happy about it if need be. Your second cousin twice removed announced his engagement? Maybe you can skip that one.
That being said, I do want to discuss the RSVP issue. Do you think your failure to RSVP results from turmoil about whether you “should” attend the event? Or from your guilt over simply deciding not to go? Do you think if you forgave yourself for wanting to stay home that it would be easy enough to reply with regrets? What if you actually had other plans on the day of the event and had a “legitimate” reason for not attending…would you RSVP promptly? If so, try to accept that your reasons are legitimate, and let the party planner know that you won’t be there.
Finally, be kind to yourself and be proud of the progress you’ve made this year.
Best wishes,
HTT
I recently (well, a year ago) went through the breakup of a very long-term relationship. I have had wonderful support of friends, and am getting on with most aspects of life pretty well. I've gotten used to going to sleep and waking up alone. I've started enjoying the fact that any mess in my house is mine alone. The cooking for one -- not so fun yet. But, what I'm saying is that all-in-all, I'm making progress and adjusting to this new life.
My difficulty lies in seeing other couples doing their "we're happy couples having a happy life" things: weddings, bridal showers, engagement parties, baby showers, children's parties, etc. I find every excuse in the book to stay home from these happy events. I don't even deliver gifts late with my apologies. I guess I kind of pretend they never happened. I don't even RSVP, come to think of it -- that's the denial I'm in!
So, a few questions come to mind. Am I being a self-centered terrible friend? I know I should at least RSVP, but is it horrible of me to just not want to go? How long will I feel like I can't handle "in my face" happiness? Any suggestions for helping to get over this hurdle?
Please help,
Single and (Almost) Loving It
Dear (Almost) Loving It,
Not to be flippant, but there’s a good reason the saying goes “misery loves company” and not “misery loves hanging around with happy people.” As socially unacceptable as it might be to admit, who among us hasn’t pasted on a smile upon hearing someone’s good news while we, ourselves, are suffering about something? This isn’t a character flaw, it’s human nature. Legitimate happiness for our friends and melancholy over our own situation aren’t mutually exclusive, just hard to express in a way that doesn’t make us feel like a killjoy.
So, no, wanting to steer clear of celebratory events doesn’t make you a horrible person. I’m not sure how long it'll take before the arrival of thick ivory envelopes with calligraphy and LOVE stamps will fail to make you a little sad. It’ll take as long as it takes, and you should try not to chastise yourself.
You might also try prioritizing and attend the events that you’d later regret missing, even if going takes something out of you now. Your best friend is having a baby? Go to the shower and pretend to be happy about it if need be. Your second cousin twice removed announced his engagement? Maybe you can skip that one.
That being said, I do want to discuss the RSVP issue. Do you think your failure to RSVP results from turmoil about whether you “should” attend the event? Or from your guilt over simply deciding not to go? Do you think if you forgave yourself for wanting to stay home that it would be easy enough to reply with regrets? What if you actually had other plans on the day of the event and had a “legitimate” reason for not attending…would you RSVP promptly? If so, try to accept that your reasons are legitimate, and let the party planner know that you won’t be there.
Finally, be kind to yourself and be proud of the progress you’ve made this year.
Best wishes,
HTT
Friday, February 16, 2007
Working w/my colleague makes me go postal
Dear Here's the Thing,
I'm an engineer. I work in a world where you might think that clear communications between people is essential. But it is a daily struggle to work with a large number of people with varying levels of language and logic) skills.
There is this one co-worker that I have been called upon to work closely with. His emails are barely readible and I often find that speaking to him is like pulling teeth (and leaves me with no paper trail to follow if I need to remember details). I think he might be dyslexic. When we work on projects where we share duties, we end up stepping all over each other because we can't seem to get in sync. I've known him a long time and he is a very nice guy. But working with him makes me feel postal. Sometimes I cross the line and correct his emails to others, making him and me) look a bit of a fool.
I'm a big believer in being honest with people, but I don't think having a heart-to-heart with this guy is going to cure his dyslexia. And I don't think asking my boss not to pair me with him is going to make me look good.
I really just never want to work with him again! What to do?
Thanks for your help,
Geek with a problem
Dear Geek,
This is a pretty sticky situation. But I’m sure you already know that, or else you’d have solved the problem yourself by now!
Not knowing what your boss is like, I can’t guess how he or she would react if you asked not to work with this problem communicator any more. But you seem to think that doing so would reflect poorly on you and, perhaps, hurt your coworker’s feelings. And it sounds like you feel a little mean-spirited (or anal retentive?) for correcting his emails.
You state that you are a firm believer in being honest with people. So my guess is that the honest route has been successful for you in the past. And, if that’s true, than you’re probably pretty good at it. I think you should play to your own strengths.
No, honesty isn’t going to cure dyslexia. It’s not going to improve his writing. (Trust me, on this I have plenty of experience.) However, do you think it’s possible that in an honest heart-to-heart talk you could try to come up with a better system of communication?
For example, can you tell him his writing is difficult to understand and that it would be much easier if the two of you could speak in person? But you say talking to him is like pulling teeth. Why? Is it just that he’s unavailable or is it that he’s also difficult to understand in person? If it’s the former, maybe he’ll make himself more available after you’ve told him that you really want to conduct business face to face. If it’s the latter, well, painful as it may be, you stand a better chance of getting clarification when you’re in a room talking to someone than you do over email. You might just have to keep dogging him with questions like: “What do you mean? Can you give some examples? I’m hearing you say X, Y, and Z…is that right?” Take notes and follow up these conversations with summary emails so that you have your paper trail.
Also, as much as I hate tables and matrices and spreadsheets--which are all the rage among organized, successful, highly-functioning people--I suppose they have some utility. If you feel constantly out of sync with this guy, would it help to have some formal method of assigning duties and tracking milestones and deadlines?
When he sends emails (the ones you’re always tempted to correct), are they supposed to be speaking for the whole project team? In other words, would it be possible for you to write these emails instead? Again, I’m not sure of the context, but if you’re prone to editing his emails it might just be easier to write them yourself.
Bottom line, I think you should talk to him. I trust you can be honest and kind at the same time. At the very least, you might feel better for having stated your case and, hence, be able to refrain from going postal. And if he’s the nice guy you say he is, he should try to work with you on this.
Good luck!
HTT
I'm an engineer. I work in a world where you might think that clear communications between people is essential. But it is a daily struggle to work with a large number of people with varying levels of language and logic) skills.
There is this one co-worker that I have been called upon to work closely with. His emails are barely readible and I often find that speaking to him is like pulling teeth (and leaves me with no paper trail to follow if I need to remember details). I think he might be dyslexic. When we work on projects where we share duties, we end up stepping all over each other because we can't seem to get in sync. I've known him a long time and he is a very nice guy. But working with him makes me feel postal. Sometimes I cross the line and correct his emails to others, making him and me) look a bit of a fool.
I'm a big believer in being honest with people, but I don't think having a heart-to-heart with this guy is going to cure his dyslexia. And I don't think asking my boss not to pair me with him is going to make me look good.
I really just never want to work with him again! What to do?
Thanks for your help,
Geek with a problem
Dear Geek,
This is a pretty sticky situation. But I’m sure you already know that, or else you’d have solved the problem yourself by now!
Not knowing what your boss is like, I can’t guess how he or she would react if you asked not to work with this problem communicator any more. But you seem to think that doing so would reflect poorly on you and, perhaps, hurt your coworker’s feelings. And it sounds like you feel a little mean-spirited (or anal retentive?) for correcting his emails.
You state that you are a firm believer in being honest with people. So my guess is that the honest route has been successful for you in the past. And, if that’s true, than you’re probably pretty good at it. I think you should play to your own strengths.
No, honesty isn’t going to cure dyslexia. It’s not going to improve his writing. (Trust me, on this I have plenty of experience.) However, do you think it’s possible that in an honest heart-to-heart talk you could try to come up with a better system of communication?
For example, can you tell him his writing is difficult to understand and that it would be much easier if the two of you could speak in person? But you say talking to him is like pulling teeth. Why? Is it just that he’s unavailable or is it that he’s also difficult to understand in person? If it’s the former, maybe he’ll make himself more available after you’ve told him that you really want to conduct business face to face. If it’s the latter, well, painful as it may be, you stand a better chance of getting clarification when you’re in a room talking to someone than you do over email. You might just have to keep dogging him with questions like: “What do you mean? Can you give some examples? I’m hearing you say X, Y, and Z…is that right?” Take notes and follow up these conversations with summary emails so that you have your paper trail.
Also, as much as I hate tables and matrices and spreadsheets--which are all the rage among organized, successful, highly-functioning people--I suppose they have some utility. If you feel constantly out of sync with this guy, would it help to have some formal method of assigning duties and tracking milestones and deadlines?
When he sends emails (the ones you’re always tempted to correct), are they supposed to be speaking for the whole project team? In other words, would it be possible for you to write these emails instead? Again, I’m not sure of the context, but if you’re prone to editing his emails it might just be easier to write them yourself.
Bottom line, I think you should talk to him. I trust you can be honest and kind at the same time. At the very least, you might feel better for having stated your case and, hence, be able to refrain from going postal. And if he’s the nice guy you say he is, he should try to work with you on this.
Good luck!
HTT
toughening up and my second question
Well, I've polled several people whose opinions I respect and have received some thoughtful and supportive comments. As it turns out, all polled were anti-censorship and pro-honesty. One friend said, "How can I trust your advice if I think you're watering it down for the masses?" (I think "masses" might be exaggerating my readership, but point taken.) Another said that there will *always* be people who disagree, which means, of course, that I can't unpost every post that doesn't spark unanimous approval.
So, I'm going to apologize in advance to anyone I might upset in the course of writing this column. Most people who know me are already aware that I'm opinionated, so maybe, if you've put up with me for any length of time, y'all are more forgiving and less sensitive than I'm giving you credit for!
**********************
Dear Here's the thing...,
A good friend of mine recently got engaged. She is considering having the wedding over a holiday weekend (e.g., Labor Day or Columbus Day) because many people will have a three-day weekend, therefore making it easier for out-of-town guests to travel. She is also considering having the wedding on a non-holiday weekend. She feels very strongly that she's being considerate to her guests by having the wedding on a holiday weekend. I, on the other hand, think it's a bigger imposition to choose a holiday weekend because that it a time for personal travel/ relaxation -- not necessarily wedding hoop-la.
So, should I suggest that she choose the non-holiday weekend... or should I just butt out?
Signed,
"anti-Miss Manners"
Durham, NC
Dear Anti,
I have never been married or even participated in the planning of a wedding, so to do your question justice I conducted a little research. It turns out that this holiday weekend question sparks quite the controversy in the circles of brides-to-be and their friends and family.
Not surprisingly, bride-related sites (e.g., www.brides.com) are fairly enthusiastic about holiday weekend weddings. "Extend the fun!" "Plan an action-packed lineup!" Bride-related sites are enthusiastic about everything. They use lots of exclamation points.
On the other hand, some people quoted in a NYT article (http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=950CE0DA1731F936A15756C0A9659C8B63) were downright cranky about the idea of giving up a precious holiday weekend to watch someone tie the knot.
I tend to fall in the latter camp. It's the rare wedding that lives up to its potential, at least for the guests, anyway. Oh sure, you're happy for the couple and all, but let's face it, these days the two have likely been paired up for a pretty long time. So it's not like the idea of them being united is exactly novel. But this argument isn't going to have much traction with the bride and groom. So if you're going to suggest an alternate weekend, you probably shouldn't use the "some weddings can be kind of boring and you've been shacked up for a year already" excuse.
But the question remains: should you, or should you not butt in? The answer hinges on whether your friend was actually asking for your opinion or merely musing aloud. If you think she is polling people to see what they'd prefer, by all means, advocate for a non-holiday weekend. Try to think of some reasons that don't include the word "imposition" in them...couples get testy over that sort of reference to their big day.
If your friend seemed firm on the holiday weekend idea, you're probably just going to have to suck it up and prepare for an "action-packed lineup" over Labor Day.
Good luck!
HTT
So, I'm going to apologize in advance to anyone I might upset in the course of writing this column. Most people who know me are already aware that I'm opinionated, so maybe, if you've put up with me for any length of time, y'all are more forgiving and less sensitive than I'm giving you credit for!
**********************
Dear Here's the thing...,
A good friend of mine recently got engaged. She is considering having the wedding over a holiday weekend (e.g., Labor Day or Columbus Day) because many people will have a three-day weekend, therefore making it easier for out-of-town guests to travel. She is also considering having the wedding on a non-holiday weekend. She feels very strongly that she's being considerate to her guests by having the wedding on a holiday weekend. I, on the other hand, think it's a bigger imposition to choose a holiday weekend because that it a time for personal travel/ relaxation -- not necessarily wedding hoop-la.
So, should I suggest that she choose the non-holiday weekend... or should I just butt out?
Signed,
"anti-Miss Manners"
Durham, NC
Dear Anti,
I have never been married or even participated in the planning of a wedding, so to do your question justice I conducted a little research. It turns out that this holiday weekend question sparks quite the controversy in the circles of brides-to-be and their friends and family.
Not surprisingly, bride-related sites (e.g., www.brides.com) are fairly enthusiastic about holiday weekend weddings. "Extend the fun!" "Plan an action-packed lineup!" Bride-related sites are enthusiastic about everything. They use lots of exclamation points.
On the other hand, some people quoted in a NYT article (http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=950CE0DA1731F936A15756C0A9659C8B63) were downright cranky about the idea of giving up a precious holiday weekend to watch someone tie the knot.
I tend to fall in the latter camp. It's the rare wedding that lives up to its potential, at least for the guests, anyway. Oh sure, you're happy for the couple and all, but let's face it, these days the two have likely been paired up for a pretty long time. So it's not like the idea of them being united is exactly novel. But this argument isn't going to have much traction with the bride and groom. So if you're going to suggest an alternate weekend, you probably shouldn't use the "some weddings can be kind of boring and you've been shacked up for a year already" excuse.
But the question remains: should you, or should you not butt in? The answer hinges on whether your friend was actually asking for your opinion or merely musing aloud. If you think she is polling people to see what they'd prefer, by all means, advocate for a non-holiday weekend. Try to think of some reasons that don't include the word "imposition" in them...couples get testy over that sort of reference to their big day.
If your friend seemed firm on the holiday weekend idea, you're probably just going to have to suck it up and prepare for an "action-packed lineup" over Labor Day.
Good luck!
HTT
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