Dear HTT,
My friend has a nine-year-old daughter who I am really starting to dislike. The daughter is intelligent, mature, and respectful in her dealings with me, but her interactions with her mother are something different.
The daughter interrupts conversations, sometimes just making loud noises if she doesn't have anything to say. If there's a plan to be somewhere and the daughter is involved somehow, they will be late. I've been there when the daughter dawdles, saying she forgot to feed the hamster, or she needs to go to the bathroom, etc. while keeping a roomful of adults waiting. Last month a dinner out was ruined because the daughter not only needed to visit the bathroom three times over the course of the evening, she required her mother to go with her and each visit took a minimum of 20 minutes. The daughter also speaks disrespectfully to her mother, talking to her as if she is stupid. The last time she did this, I did intervene, and I told the girl that I thought what she said was a really mean thing to say to her mother. The girl's response was that she "...didn't care, that [she] wanted to make her mother miserable."
The girl's mother is a very caring, gentle and good person, mother and friend. The family also lost everything in Katrina, and are trying to rebuild their home. I can see my friend struggling with everything that is already going on in her life, so seeing her treated badly by her child...well, you can imagine.
I'm finding myself bowing out of plans that involve the daughter as I'm finding it increasingly difficult to disguise my dislike of her. Is there something else I can do, either something that will make the kid bother me less or something I could/should say? Since the bad behavior is directed at the mother and not me, I've been thinking it's inappropriate to get in the middle. What do you think?
Loyal Fan of the Advice Goddess
Dear LF,
Thanks for writing and for reading my column so faithfully!
I have six nieces and nephews and some very good friends with children. So I know that even the best kids can be trying sometimes. Just like adults! And no matter how charming a friend’s entire family unit may be, there are still times when you just want an adult conversation sprinkled with a few choice curses and a gin and tonic. Definitely not kid friendly.
But the behavior you describe sounds more serious than the occasional temper tantrum or back talk. I’m curious; did you know this family pre-Katrina? I wonder how much of the girl’s behavior might be a result of hurricane-related trauma she’s experienced. I imagine that losing everything at that age (or at any age) could unmoor a person. Here’s an excerpt from an article about the kinds of behavior child victims of Katrina have been exhibiting in school:
"Reaction to Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent Hurricane Rita has varied according to age. Younger children tended to exhibit internalizing behavior such as fear, behavior regression or apathy. Most teachers were somewhat prepared for these reactions. However, many teachers were not expecting the externalizing behavior seen in middle school and high school-aged children. They hadn’t expected to witness aggressive, angry behavior or the tension and violent incidents that developed."
Another article went on to list some behaviors that could be expected of children who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina, even two years later:
• Extended periods of depression (loss of interest in activities, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, inability to experience moments of joy, profound emptiness)
• Inability to respond to comfort and rejection of support
• Purposeful withdrawal from friends, loss of sociability
• Destructive outbursts
• Inappropriate/illegal behavior
• Decline in school performance, refusal to attend school
So is it possible this kid is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder? Or that she’s lashing out because of the chaos that must surely accompany the rebuilding of their house and their lives?
Or, then again, for all I know, maybe she’s just a brat.
But in either case, I don’t think you can get away with a direct intervention aimed at the daughter. If you and your friend are close and if your relationship can withstand an above-average level of candor, you might be able to tell her that you’re worried about her and her daughter. Maybe something along the lines of “I’ve noticed that little Emma seems angry lately. Is she having a tough time in school/with all the change in her life/etc.?”
If that feels uncomfortable, you might just have to avoid going on any mother-daughter outings with them for a while. When you invite your friend to socialize, be clear that you need adult time with her. And hope that her daughter’s just going though a phase.
Let me know how it works out.
HTT
Friday, April 6, 2007
Monday, April 2, 2007
HTT, can a mono- and multi-tasker live together in harmony?
Dear HTT,
I am a multi-tasker. At work, I often have two different documents open, while checking my email, and talking to someone on the phone. No joke. And when it comes to household tasks, I can be cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, making the bed, and singing "There was a farmer who had a dog and bingo was his name-o. B-I-N-G-O" to my 18-month-old son.
Sometimes I believe I am the ultimate multi-tasker and at other times I think I am in desperate need of medicine to cure my ADHD.
The problem is this: my beloved partner is a mono-tasker. It is painful. Here is an example. The other night she was making chili and rice. The chili was made the day before and only had to be heated up in the microwave. The rice needed to be cooked. So there she is cooking the rice and waiting…yes, that’s right...waiting for it to cook. AFTER the rice was done, she put the chili in the microwave to heat it up. So by the time we are ready to eat, the rice is lukewarm and so is the chili. Now, this was hard for me to watch and I nearly screamed from the dining room "PUT THE CHILI IN THE MICROWAVE AND HEAT IT UP.” But I did not.
When I intervene in these situations, I am told "Do not multi-task me from the other room. I’m doing XYZ and not you."
Is my only resource to bite my tongue and slowly grow a tumor b/c all of this wasted time is making me nuts? How can I make suggestions to be more efficient without sounding like a control freak?
Thanks
D
Dear D,
I’m in the unenviable position of telling you something you don’t want to hear. There is almost no chance that any suggestion you offer to improve your partner’s efficiency will be met with gratitude or good will. Because this is already a sensitive issue between you, you will probably sound like a control freak if you so much as offer to “help” when she’s in the kitchen. You did the right thing to swallow your advice.
How could this be? How can she not recognize the superiority of your multitasking ways? Well, you joke (?) about wondering whether you have ADHD, but it’s quite possible that your partner is scoping out Ritalin for you right now. You think she wastes time, but she might think you don’t devote enough attention to your tasks. I’m not taking sides, here, just pointing out how things may look through her eyes.
This doesn’t mean you can’t live in harmony. I know a couple in which she is a winter person and he’s a summer person; another where she’s a dog lover but he’s a cat person; and one in which he’s a Democrat and the other he is a Republican. (And I’m not talking about a fiscal conservative/social moderate type of Republican either.) Somehow, they manage to rise above their differences, and you can too.
When you feel your blood pressure rising, try to take a deep breath and remember something you love about your partner. Remember that you are also driving her crazy. Look away. Bite your tongue. Stay out of the kitchen.
Good luck,
HTT
I am a multi-tasker. At work, I often have two different documents open, while checking my email, and talking to someone on the phone. No joke. And when it comes to household tasks, I can be cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, making the bed, and singing "There was a farmer who had a dog and bingo was his name-o. B-I-N-G-O" to my 18-month-old son.
Sometimes I believe I am the ultimate multi-tasker and at other times I think I am in desperate need of medicine to cure my ADHD.
The problem is this: my beloved partner is a mono-tasker. It is painful. Here is an example. The other night she was making chili and rice. The chili was made the day before and only had to be heated up in the microwave. The rice needed to be cooked. So there she is cooking the rice and waiting…yes, that’s right...waiting for it to cook. AFTER the rice was done, she put the chili in the microwave to heat it up. So by the time we are ready to eat, the rice is lukewarm and so is the chili. Now, this was hard for me to watch and I nearly screamed from the dining room "PUT THE CHILI IN THE MICROWAVE AND HEAT IT UP.” But I did not.
When I intervene in these situations, I am told "Do not multi-task me from the other room. I’m doing XYZ and not you."
Is my only resource to bite my tongue and slowly grow a tumor b/c all of this wasted time is making me nuts? How can I make suggestions to be more efficient without sounding like a control freak?
Thanks
D
Dear D,
I’m in the unenviable position of telling you something you don’t want to hear. There is almost no chance that any suggestion you offer to improve your partner’s efficiency will be met with gratitude or good will. Because this is already a sensitive issue between you, you will probably sound like a control freak if you so much as offer to “help” when she’s in the kitchen. You did the right thing to swallow your advice.
How could this be? How can she not recognize the superiority of your multitasking ways? Well, you joke (?) about wondering whether you have ADHD, but it’s quite possible that your partner is scoping out Ritalin for you right now. You think she wastes time, but she might think you don’t devote enough attention to your tasks. I’m not taking sides, here, just pointing out how things may look through her eyes.
This doesn’t mean you can’t live in harmony. I know a couple in which she is a winter person and he’s a summer person; another where she’s a dog lover but he’s a cat person; and one in which he’s a Democrat and the other he is a Republican. (And I’m not talking about a fiscal conservative/social moderate type of Republican either.) Somehow, they manage to rise above their differences, and you can too.
When you feel your blood pressure rising, try to take a deep breath and remember something you love about your partner. Remember that you are also driving her crazy. Look away. Bite your tongue. Stay out of the kitchen.
Good luck,
HTT
Friday, March 30, 2007
HTT, my hot female coworkers think I'm gay.
Dear HTT,
I just started a new job that I like very much. Everyone at work thinks I'm gay. I'm not gay--not that there's anything wrong with that--but I'm not sure what if anything to do about it. You see, I have a history of getting in trouble because I tend to... well... "fish in the company pond" if you know what I mean. (Basically, it's really hard to work with someone you didn't enjoy sleeping with the night before.) Anyway, this new job has me working with some absolute hotties! But they think I'm gay.
Why? Well, I think it might be because I have lots of friends and some are flaming. I care about my clothes. I am clean. I don't wear shirts that say things like "What would my penis do?" I like to cook. I know something about wine. I don't drive a pickup truck or a muscle car. And I am exceedingly polite. Friends in the know describe me as "Metro," but they might as well say I'm gay because "Metro" sounds rather "Queer Eye," to me.
So all these incredibly beautiful women think I'm gay and at first I thought I would set them straight, but I quickly realized that as a "gay man," I am not a threat to these women. They WANT to hang out with me. Maybe it's chic to hang out with a gay man? I go out with "the girls" and after they've had two glasses of Pinot Grigio (Yack!) the next thing I know they're asking me for my opinion on orgasms and blow jobs and the size of their breasts and hair styles and clothes and shoes and anal sex and honestly I want to F*** every one of them before the night is over. But I can't because I realize I've got a good thing going here, but what should I do?
Yours,
Painfully Erect
Dear PE,
Well, this is certainly the steamiest HTT letter yet! No wonder you’re all bunched up. Most guys would have to rent “Sex and the City” even to hear a group of women converse that way. Never mind being asked to participate. In the conversation, I mean.
My first thought upon reading your letter was that the women you work with must know a lot of Neanderthals. A guy has to be gay just because he can distinguish between his Cabs and his Rieslings, says “please” and “thank you,” and eschews mustard-stained muscle tees? Yikes! If those are the kind of straight men in their circles, of COURSE your colleagues would rather hang out with a guy like you, gay or not.
But to get to your question, yes, I think you should clue them in about your orientation. You don’t have to make a proclamation. Such an announcement could come across as homophobic, and it might also trigger a “me thinks he doth protest too much” kind of reaction.
Once, a friend of mine developed an interest in a guy she worked with. She didn’t know if he was single, and to ask, she thought, would be too bold. He described his life in “I” terms: I did such and such over the weekend; I want to paint my house green; I’m going to visit my family over the holiday, etc. Well, after weeks of hopeful flirting, my friend learned from another colleague that Mr. I was actually married. Now, I’m not saying that married people can’t have any autonomy or that they have no right to use a singular pronoun. But my friend and I decided that if this guy were honest, or at least not completely obtuse, he should have dropped a courtesy “we.”
Despite your alleged homosexual traits, you’re bound to be outed sooner or later. In order to avoid appearing dishonest, you, my friend, need to drop a courtesy “she.” From what I know about your dating life, it shouldn’t be difficult to casually slip a few feminine pronouns into a conversation about your weekend.
You sound worried about your new friends’ reaction to your straight status. I wouldn’t sweat it. By now, they’re comfortable around you, so I doubt they’ll suddenly stop inviting you out or clam up about their sex lives. They’ll probably be delighted! Maybe all this sex talk was their way of testing just where, exactly, you fell on the Kinsey scale. Like, if the conversation got hot enough, maybe, just maybe, you’d give women a try?
Now, about your other issue. I’m not totally opposed to fishing in the company pond. Most of us spend at least eight hours a day at work, so the office can be a good place to get to know someone. But, depending on lots of factors---like the size of the company, the proximity of the couple to one another on the org chart, and psycho tendencies or lack thereof among the people involved---an office romance can be fine or fraught with problems. But you say that you’ve gotten in trouble fishing at the office, so maybe you need only to enjoy drinks with your colleagues but cast your pole in different waters.
Have fun!
HTT
I just started a new job that I like very much. Everyone at work thinks I'm gay. I'm not gay--not that there's anything wrong with that--but I'm not sure what if anything to do about it. You see, I have a history of getting in trouble because I tend to... well... "fish in the company pond" if you know what I mean. (Basically, it's really hard to work with someone you didn't enjoy sleeping with the night before.) Anyway, this new job has me working with some absolute hotties! But they think I'm gay.
Why? Well, I think it might be because I have lots of friends and some are flaming. I care about my clothes. I am clean. I don't wear shirts that say things like "What would my penis do?" I like to cook. I know something about wine. I don't drive a pickup truck or a muscle car. And I am exceedingly polite. Friends in the know describe me as "Metro," but they might as well say I'm gay because "Metro" sounds rather "Queer Eye," to me.
So all these incredibly beautiful women think I'm gay and at first I thought I would set them straight, but I quickly realized that as a "gay man," I am not a threat to these women. They WANT to hang out with me. Maybe it's chic to hang out with a gay man? I go out with "the girls" and after they've had two glasses of Pinot Grigio (Yack!) the next thing I know they're asking me for my opinion on orgasms and blow jobs and the size of their breasts and hair styles and clothes and shoes and anal sex and honestly I want to F*** every one of them before the night is over. But I can't because I realize I've got a good thing going here, but what should I do?
Yours,
Painfully Erect
Dear PE,
Well, this is certainly the steamiest HTT letter yet! No wonder you’re all bunched up. Most guys would have to rent “Sex and the City” even to hear a group of women converse that way. Never mind being asked to participate. In the conversation, I mean.
My first thought upon reading your letter was that the women you work with must know a lot of Neanderthals. A guy has to be gay just because he can distinguish between his Cabs and his Rieslings, says “please” and “thank you,” and eschews mustard-stained muscle tees? Yikes! If those are the kind of straight men in their circles, of COURSE your colleagues would rather hang out with a guy like you, gay or not.
But to get to your question, yes, I think you should clue them in about your orientation. You don’t have to make a proclamation. Such an announcement could come across as homophobic, and it might also trigger a “me thinks he doth protest too much” kind of reaction.
Once, a friend of mine developed an interest in a guy she worked with. She didn’t know if he was single, and to ask, she thought, would be too bold. He described his life in “I” terms: I did such and such over the weekend; I want to paint my house green; I’m going to visit my family over the holiday, etc. Well, after weeks of hopeful flirting, my friend learned from another colleague that Mr. I was actually married. Now, I’m not saying that married people can’t have any autonomy or that they have no right to use a singular pronoun. But my friend and I decided that if this guy were honest, or at least not completely obtuse, he should have dropped a courtesy “we.”
Despite your alleged homosexual traits, you’re bound to be outed sooner or later. In order to avoid appearing dishonest, you, my friend, need to drop a courtesy “she.” From what I know about your dating life, it shouldn’t be difficult to casually slip a few feminine pronouns into a conversation about your weekend.
You sound worried about your new friends’ reaction to your straight status. I wouldn’t sweat it. By now, they’re comfortable around you, so I doubt they’ll suddenly stop inviting you out or clam up about their sex lives. They’ll probably be delighted! Maybe all this sex talk was their way of testing just where, exactly, you fell on the Kinsey scale. Like, if the conversation got hot enough, maybe, just maybe, you’d give women a try?
Now, about your other issue. I’m not totally opposed to fishing in the company pond. Most of us spend at least eight hours a day at work, so the office can be a good place to get to know someone. But, depending on lots of factors---like the size of the company, the proximity of the couple to one another on the org chart, and psycho tendencies or lack thereof among the people involved---an office romance can be fine or fraught with problems. But you say that you’ve gotten in trouble fishing at the office, so maybe you need only to enjoy drinks with your colleagues but cast your pole in different waters.
Have fun!
HTT
Monday, March 26, 2007
HTT, do I have to chip in on expensive gifts?
Dear HTT,
Ok, here's the thing.....I am blessed by having a lot of friends, and several different circles of friends. This is great, don't get me wrong, but one particular circle of friends is large, quite large, and growing larger. Also not necessarily a bad thing. Here's the rub, though. This circle has gotten big enough to where I'm really not friends, per se, with everyone, and I barely see them due to the demands on my time. This circle of friends loves to celebrate everyone's birthday. Sweet, I know. But instead of just getting together for brunch or drinks or whatever, they also kick in for elaborate gifts. I'm talking Coach bags and jewelry from Tiffany's. I'm not making this up. Just ask our mutual Dream Weaver-loving friend---she knows of them.
Now, this is a fun-loving bunch of ladies, true. And incidentally, I love to get people presents, especially when I don't feel obligated. I love spontaneously seeing something and thinking, "oh, so-and-so would get a kick out of that" and picking it up for no reason. I should also make it clear that I'm a Target and Marshall's kind of gal, and my handbags do not EVER cost me even a fraction of a utility bill. Not only is it against my religion to pay retail, but I have a child and a house and therefore a budget---imagine that. Incidentally, we usually do not do this for my birthday, mainly because I don't like a big fuss, and when we have done it, people have just brought cute little presents like lotions and candles, that kind of thing, which I love! I would be mortified to get a Tiffany necklace from any one other than my hubby, and that ain't gonna happen!
The other problem with this gift-giving circle is that I'm very close to some of the women and not close at all with others. Read, I would love to give gifts to some, have no interest in it for the others. But it's become too difficult to give to some and not others. Help!!! How do I gracefully get off this carousel?
Thanks,
A Friend by 1 degree of Separation
Dear 1 Degree,
My most beloved “purse” is a vinyl messenger bag, and my taste in jewelry skews toward the “look what I made at the bead store” variety. So, I had literally no idea how much a Coach bag or Tiffany necklace could set a person back.
After a quick trip to www.coach.com, I discovered that the least expensive bag was the Hamptons Signature Swing Pack
at $118. Now, I wouldn’t call $118 ridiculous for a good handbag, although it's more than I'd usually spend. However, I would expect my 118-dollar bag to hold more than a lipstick, one tampon (OB only), a Chicklet, and a driver’s license. And that’s about all one could tote about in the Hamptons Swing Pack.
I guess “Hamptons” should have clued me in. It’s not the Myrtle Beach Swing Pack or even the Southport Swing Pack. Near the other end of the spectrum was the vintage leather “Hobo” at $498. How the word “hobo” and the price $498 can possibly be affixed to the same accessory is beyond me.
So, yeah, yikes. Depending on how many people are splitting the cost, buying lots of these sorts of gifts could really send a person to the poorhouse. Here’s what I suggest: Before the next birthday rolls around, simply say, “I’m trying to put aside money for my kid’s braces (or college education, or a family vacation, or you know, groceries!), and I need to start following a more stringent budget. I want to continue celebrating birthdays with all of you, but I’m going to need to bow out of the group gift.” There’s nothing shameful in that. But if it feels awkward to attend these celebrations empty handed, you might decide to pick out a small, thoughtful present that doesn’t cost as much as your January PSNC bill, or simply buy a card.
And if you want to continue buying gifts for the women you’re closest to, can you do so and just give them their presents outside of the big-group get-togethers? Surely these good friends will be discreet about it and not announce to the rest, “look at the wonderful earrings 1 Degree gave me for my birthday.”
You might even find that others in the group feel similarly and will be relieved to jump off that carousel with you!
Hope it all works out.
HTT
Ok, here's the thing.....I am blessed by having a lot of friends, and several different circles of friends. This is great, don't get me wrong, but one particular circle of friends is large, quite large, and growing larger. Also not necessarily a bad thing. Here's the rub, though. This circle has gotten big enough to where I'm really not friends, per se, with everyone, and I barely see them due to the demands on my time. This circle of friends loves to celebrate everyone's birthday. Sweet, I know. But instead of just getting together for brunch or drinks or whatever, they also kick in for elaborate gifts. I'm talking Coach bags and jewelry from Tiffany's. I'm not making this up. Just ask our mutual Dream Weaver-loving friend---she knows of them.
Now, this is a fun-loving bunch of ladies, true. And incidentally, I love to get people presents, especially when I don't feel obligated. I love spontaneously seeing something and thinking, "oh, so-and-so would get a kick out of that" and picking it up for no reason. I should also make it clear that I'm a Target and Marshall's kind of gal, and my handbags do not EVER cost me even a fraction of a utility bill. Not only is it against my religion to pay retail, but I have a child and a house and therefore a budget---imagine that. Incidentally, we usually do not do this for my birthday, mainly because I don't like a big fuss, and when we have done it, people have just brought cute little presents like lotions and candles, that kind of thing, which I love! I would be mortified to get a Tiffany necklace from any one other than my hubby, and that ain't gonna happen!
The other problem with this gift-giving circle is that I'm very close to some of the women and not close at all with others. Read, I would love to give gifts to some, have no interest in it for the others. But it's become too difficult to give to some and not others. Help!!! How do I gracefully get off this carousel?
Thanks,
A Friend by 1 degree of Separation
Dear 1 Degree,
My most beloved “purse” is a vinyl messenger bag, and my taste in jewelry skews toward the “look what I made at the bead store” variety. So, I had literally no idea how much a Coach bag or Tiffany necklace could set a person back.
After a quick trip to www.coach.com, I discovered that the least expensive bag was the Hamptons Signature Swing Pack
at $118. Now, I wouldn’t call $118 ridiculous for a good handbag, although it's more than I'd usually spend. However, I would expect my 118-dollar bag to hold more than a lipstick, one tampon (OB only), a Chicklet, and a driver’s license. And that’s about all one could tote about in the Hamptons Swing Pack.
I guess “Hamptons” should have clued me in. It’s not the Myrtle Beach Swing Pack or even the Southport Swing Pack. Near the other end of the spectrum was the vintage leather “Hobo” at $498. How the word “hobo” and the price $498 can possibly be affixed to the same accessory is beyond me.So, yeah, yikes. Depending on how many people are splitting the cost, buying lots of these sorts of gifts could really send a person to the poorhouse. Here’s what I suggest: Before the next birthday rolls around, simply say, “I’m trying to put aside money for my kid’s braces (or college education, or a family vacation, or you know, groceries!), and I need to start following a more stringent budget. I want to continue celebrating birthdays with all of you, but I’m going to need to bow out of the group gift.” There’s nothing shameful in that. But if it feels awkward to attend these celebrations empty handed, you might decide to pick out a small, thoughtful present that doesn’t cost as much as your January PSNC bill, or simply buy a card.
And if you want to continue buying gifts for the women you’re closest to, can you do so and just give them their presents outside of the big-group get-togethers? Surely these good friends will be discreet about it and not announce to the rest, “look at the wonderful earrings 1 Degree gave me for my birthday.”
You might even find that others in the group feel similarly and will be relieved to jump off that carousel with you!
Hope it all works out.
HTT
Saturday, March 24, 2007
HTT, should I abandon all hope?
Hi HTT,
Before you rant about mustards, be sure to investigate the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum in Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin: http://www.mustardweb.com/. The Arran Scottish herb whole-seed mustard is like vegetarian caviar.
Here's a question for you:
My long-term significant other and I get along great except for one thing that bugs me to no end: I'm punctual, he isn't. It drove me so nuts when we were first dating that I created a conversion chart for him so we could calculate how much time to add on to his estimates (e.g. if he said "15 minutes," the chart showed he really meant "25 minutes.")
Over the past few years, we've enjoyed a lull in his habitual tardiness, but it's getting worse again and the chart isn't helping. The other week, I needed him to be home for parenting duty in time for me to get to a meeting. I told him I could make other kidcare arrangements if he couldn't manage it, but he swore up and down he'd be home in time. He wasn't. We left for a short family getaway the next day and I spent the whole weekend continuing to be pissed off at him, which wasn't exactly romantic.
I obviously can't change his behavior. What can I change in mine? I've thought about simply abandoning hope that he'll ever reliably be on time for anything, but that doesn't seem like a healthy way to foster trust. Other suggestions?
--Frustrated in NC
Dear Frustrated,
Thanks for the mustard tip! I’m always happy to expand my pantry of condiments.
As for your question: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in my experience you cannot expect lasting, reliable change from the habitually late. I have a good friend for whom punctuality is an on-going challenge. I’m not talking 5, 10 minutes late. I mean more in the vicinity of 30 minutes. I’ve seethed about how she doesn’t value my time, how rude it is to show up late, how any reasonably organized adult ought to be able to show up on schedule (or close to it---I’m not completely anal retentive) unless there are legitimate extenuating circumstances. I’ve gotten beyond tetchy sitting alone in a restaurant or standing in line at a movie theater waiting for her to show. I’ve laid on guilt trips and given her the silent treatment when she’d finally blow in, hastily explaining all the reasons she’d been held up and apologizing profusely.
But guess what I discovered? These tactics don’t work. In fact, they’re often counterproductive. For one, as you pointed out, they tend to ruin the time you do spend together. For another, this approach causes the tardy, in an attempt not to displease you, to provide overly optimistic estimates in the future about when they’ll be able to meet you, or how long it will take them pack up at work and be on their way home. And, finally, I often ended up feeling badly about my own (over?)reaction. The thing is, most late people don’t LIKE to be late. They don’t enjoy pissing off their friends and family. My friend, whom I suspect is representative of many late types, gets panicked and guilty when she starts running late, which probably just exacerbates the problem.
So I think you’re right when you say you can’t change your SO’s behavior. I recommend a three-pronged approach to dealing with it.
(1) Zen-like acceptance: If you agree with the premise that he truly doesn’t enjoy being late, that his tardiness does not reflect a casual disregard for your time, you might just have to accept that this trait is part of who he is and that all the anger and recriminations in the world aren’t going to change that. At the risk of sounding too Oprah-ish, I suggest you try to change how you feel about his tardiness. Hey, if it helps, try imagining that lateness is a mild form of mental illness for which we have yet to find a cure!
(2) Humility: I remind myself that I have my own unappealing traits. I’m opinionated (obviously), I’m not always reliable about returning phone calls, and I tend to hunker down at home when I get depressed without giving her a heads-up. I’m sure there are more, but these come immediately to mind. And yet, my friend remains my friend, so she must have reached her own zen-like acceptance and decided I’m worth it in spite of these factors. And I’m grateful for that.
(3) Small, practical changes: Now, when my friend suggests a time she’ll be ready to hit the town, I ask if that’s her optimistic estimate or realistic estimate. Sometimes she adjusts accordingly. I try, although not always successfully, not to get impatient if her realistic estimate is much later than I was hoping to get a move on. To give her a hard time would only encourage optimistic estimates, which she likely won’t be able to meet. Also, rather than setting a time to meet somewhere, I often suggest that she just call me from the car when she’s on her way, and then I, too, hit the road. I know some people recommend telling the habitually tardy that they’re needed 30 minutes or so before the actual time you need them to show up, but this seems sneaky. Plus, it doesn’t take them long to wise up.
Bottom line, I wouldn’t abandon all hope that he’ll be on time, but I’d abandon most of it. Try to think of this abandonment as a form of acceptance and forgiveness and maybe it won’t feel so bad.
Usually-punctually yours,
HTT
Before you rant about mustards, be sure to investigate the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum in Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin: http://www.mustardweb.com/. The Arran Scottish herb whole-seed mustard is like vegetarian caviar.
Here's a question for you:
My long-term significant other and I get along great except for one thing that bugs me to no end: I'm punctual, he isn't. It drove me so nuts when we were first dating that I created a conversion chart for him so we could calculate how much time to add on to his estimates (e.g. if he said "15 minutes," the chart showed he really meant "25 minutes.")
Over the past few years, we've enjoyed a lull in his habitual tardiness, but it's getting worse again and the chart isn't helping. The other week, I needed him to be home for parenting duty in time for me to get to a meeting. I told him I could make other kidcare arrangements if he couldn't manage it, but he swore up and down he'd be home in time. He wasn't. We left for a short family getaway the next day and I spent the whole weekend continuing to be pissed off at him, which wasn't exactly romantic.
I obviously can't change his behavior. What can I change in mine? I've thought about simply abandoning hope that he'll ever reliably be on time for anything, but that doesn't seem like a healthy way to foster trust. Other suggestions?
--Frustrated in NC
Dear Frustrated,
Thanks for the mustard tip! I’m always happy to expand my pantry of condiments.
As for your question: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in my experience you cannot expect lasting, reliable change from the habitually late. I have a good friend for whom punctuality is an on-going challenge. I’m not talking 5, 10 minutes late. I mean more in the vicinity of 30 minutes. I’ve seethed about how she doesn’t value my time, how rude it is to show up late, how any reasonably organized adult ought to be able to show up on schedule (or close to it---I’m not completely anal retentive) unless there are legitimate extenuating circumstances. I’ve gotten beyond tetchy sitting alone in a restaurant or standing in line at a movie theater waiting for her to show. I’ve laid on guilt trips and given her the silent treatment when she’d finally blow in, hastily explaining all the reasons she’d been held up and apologizing profusely.
But guess what I discovered? These tactics don’t work. In fact, they’re often counterproductive. For one, as you pointed out, they tend to ruin the time you do spend together. For another, this approach causes the tardy, in an attempt not to displease you, to provide overly optimistic estimates in the future about when they’ll be able to meet you, or how long it will take them pack up at work and be on their way home. And, finally, I often ended up feeling badly about my own (over?)reaction. The thing is, most late people don’t LIKE to be late. They don’t enjoy pissing off their friends and family. My friend, whom I suspect is representative of many late types, gets panicked and guilty when she starts running late, which probably just exacerbates the problem.
So I think you’re right when you say you can’t change your SO’s behavior. I recommend a three-pronged approach to dealing with it.
(1) Zen-like acceptance: If you agree with the premise that he truly doesn’t enjoy being late, that his tardiness does not reflect a casual disregard for your time, you might just have to accept that this trait is part of who he is and that all the anger and recriminations in the world aren’t going to change that. At the risk of sounding too Oprah-ish, I suggest you try to change how you feel about his tardiness. Hey, if it helps, try imagining that lateness is a mild form of mental illness for which we have yet to find a cure!
(2) Humility: I remind myself that I have my own unappealing traits. I’m opinionated (obviously), I’m not always reliable about returning phone calls, and I tend to hunker down at home when I get depressed without giving her a heads-up. I’m sure there are more, but these come immediately to mind. And yet, my friend remains my friend, so she must have reached her own zen-like acceptance and decided I’m worth it in spite of these factors. And I’m grateful for that.
(3) Small, practical changes: Now, when my friend suggests a time she’ll be ready to hit the town, I ask if that’s her optimistic estimate or realistic estimate. Sometimes she adjusts accordingly. I try, although not always successfully, not to get impatient if her realistic estimate is much later than I was hoping to get a move on. To give her a hard time would only encourage optimistic estimates, which she likely won’t be able to meet. Also, rather than setting a time to meet somewhere, I often suggest that she just call me from the car when she’s on her way, and then I, too, hit the road. I know some people recommend telling the habitually tardy that they’re needed 30 minutes or so before the actual time you need them to show up, but this seems sneaky. Plus, it doesn’t take them long to wise up.
Bottom line, I wouldn’t abandon all hope that he’ll be on time, but I’d abandon most of it. Try to think of this abandonment as a form of acceptance and forgiveness and maybe it won’t feel so bad.
Usually-punctually yours,
HTT
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Good questions
It's an embarrassment of riches. I had THREE questions in my in-box this morning, which is an HTT record. Had I known that rambling about condiments would bring such great letters out of the woodwork, I might have started working my way from ancho chili paste to wasabi before now.
Stay tuned!
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
More on peanut butter
My quest for the perfect peanut butter might be over.
When last we touched upon this topic, I was upset that my favorite brand (Peter Pan Honey Roasted) had been recalled thanks to some pesky salmonella poisoning. I thought I'd discovered an adequate replacement in Jiff, also supposedly honey roasted. However, Jiff, while disease-free, tastes bland.
Turns out, if you shop very early in the morning, you have much more time to scrutinize the peanut butter selection. (Insomnia is good for something!) During my barely-post-dawn expedition, I found this brand:
Now you smooth peanut butter purists will scoff. But this brand boasts a hint of cinnamon and has raisins mixed right in! Yum! Granted, you're probably not going to want to use it in your spicy peanut noodles or satay sauce, but on a whole wheat English Muffin, it's heaven.
(Send questions, please, or next I start rating mustards.)
When last we touched upon this topic, I was upset that my favorite brand (Peter Pan Honey Roasted) had been recalled thanks to some pesky salmonella poisoning. I thought I'd discovered an adequate replacement in Jiff, also supposedly honey roasted. However, Jiff, while disease-free, tastes bland.
Turns out, if you shop very early in the morning, you have much more time to scrutinize the peanut butter selection. (Insomnia is good for something!) During my barely-post-dawn expedition, I found this brand:
Now you smooth peanut butter purists will scoff. But this brand boasts a hint of cinnamon and has raisins mixed right in! Yum! Granted, you're probably not going to want to use it in your spicy peanut noodles or satay sauce, but on a whole wheat English Muffin, it's heaven.
(Send questions, please, or next I start rating mustards.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
