They're alive!!

Well, compared to how they looked about two weeks ago, these guys are pretty darn healthy. I didn't manage to kill them after all.

Still not a garden expert, but...

HTT, breaking up is hard to do.

Dear Advice Goddess,

I’ve been dating a woman for several months. She is wonderful. She is smart, cute, funny, mature (i.e., not at all neurotic), and I enjoy doing things with her very much. I also enjoy doing nothing with her. It’s a very comfortable, relaxed relationship. She really has her stuff together. She brings out the best in me. It’s everything anyone could hope for in a relationship, except one thing: sex. The sex just doesn’t work for me.

It isn’t incompatible sex drives. It is the actual act. I just can’t “get there” with her, and I don’t know why. I’ve had to fake it more than once. When was the last time you heard of a guy faking it? She seems to enjoy it. Either that or she is really good at faking it too. She tells me she loves it and that I’m good at it. It’s not just some sort of emotional/mental-holding- myself-back or fear-of-intimacy psychoanalysis stuff. It’s physical incompatibility. I’m old enough that I’ve been around, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. And speaking of old enough, just to make sure I’m not destined to be the next poster boy for Viagra or Cialis, I slept with a few other women recently and it worked great.

You could take the attitude of frustrated married couples everywhere and say, “There is more to a relationship than sex.” True, but was it Nietzsche, or maybe Dr. Phil, who said “When sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship, but when it’s bad it’s 90% of the relationship”?

I know I should tell her the relationship is going nowhere, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I think anyone would feel terrible if told, “You’re great, but the sex is horrible, and practicing isn’t going to make it better,” but that is the situation.

How can I break up with someone so wonderful? I don’t think I can. You know the saying, “Sex is like eating cookies. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good”? I’m here to tell you that’s not true. Have you ever had bad sex? I feel horrible.



Dear Feeling Horrible,

Yikes, this is a tough situation. Speaking from experience, I know how much it sucks to find someone with whom you think you’re compatible in all the important ways, only to learn that there’s one major deal breaker.

Of course there’s more to a relationship than sex. But intimacy is important. I’m not saying we need fireworks every time; but a relationship in which one partner lacks sexual attraction for the other is bound to fail, assuming that both people involved want a sexual relationship. (I knew a couple once who maintained a platonic marriage, but that’s another story.)

You sound pretty sure that this situation cannot be salvaged, but I’m compelled to ask: have you talked to her at all about this? I mean, thank goodness, you don’t seem the sort to declare, “I have to fake it when we have sex,” but have you made suggestions about what trips your trigger? Offered to show her what you like and how you like it? Tried to spice it up in whichever manner works for you both?

And speaking of her, is it possible she’s just not completely comfortable with you yet? Sometimes it takes a while to develop a deep trust, let go of inhibitions, and let the freak flag fly! Also, not to cast aspersions, but are you positive that she’s having as much fun as she lets on? If she thinks things are a little lackluster as well, she might not be giving it her all.

I guess what I’m getting at is I’d hate for you to toss in the towel on a good relationship with a wonderful woman you care about unless you’re sure the sex will not or cannot improve.

If you’ve made up your mind about that, then the question becomes how to break up with her. Right, clearly you can’t be brutally honest. (Funny, some friends and I were just talking about brutal honesty, a discussion sparked by another friend’s email signature, which says: “People who are brutally honest are usually more interested in being brutal than in being honest.")

I don’t have any magic words for you, I’m sorry. Because there is no good way to be broken up with. There’s nothing you can say that isn’t going to hurt her feelings. Well, aside from a bald-faced lie, like, “I’m moving to another country,” “I’m becoming a priest,” or “I’m gay.” (And I think we’ve already established that you’re not.)

If you’re going to break up with her, do it soon. You will upset her, and you'll feel horrible for a while longer. But know that ultimately it’s the right thing. You’re not a terrible person. You deserve a good sex life. And she deserves to be with someone she thrills.

Good luck,
HTT

Not kid friendly, but you can dance to it...

This Neil Young question reminded me of something. I used to know a guy who once brought his 10-year-old son to a party populated mostly by adults. I was perversely proud of the fact that, thanks to my dancefloor request, this kid's favorite song for a few weeks of his young life was Prince's "Sexy Motherfucker." Fortunately, his dad had a good sense of humor.

HTT, Neil Young made my daughter cry!

Dear HTT,

Wow! You always give such good advice, and now I find myself in need of some myself. I hope you can help ...

My husband and I are big music fans, and we like a lot of different kinds of music. There are few waking moments when there is not some sort of music being played in our house. But the other day something disconcerting happened. Our 7-year-old daughter started bawling when she heard Neil Young's "Helpless." She said it was scary! (Mind you, she's ultra-sensitive -- the kind bothered by things ranging from sock seams to bad dreams.)

Do you have any suggestions for music that we could play that would satisfy the grown-up needs for musical escape while at the same time not setting her off? (Oddly, or at least it seems that way to me, she doesn't have a problem with the death-metal screams that emanate from our teen-age son's room.) What would your playlist be if you were in my shoes?

--Musically Challenged in Raleigh


Dear Musically Challenged,

Oh, goodie! I heart making a playlist! (I really still think of it as “mixed tape,” but that totally dates me.)

I’m with your daughter. “Helpless” would send me into a deep funk, too. There are the lyrics, which are depressing enough, and then there’s that melancholy moaning he does. Yikes.

Not like all the songs I listen to are sweetness and light, mind you. While perusing my music library for ideas, I realized that a good 60% of it was a bit of a bummer. In fact, some time ago, when I was weepy and blue, I decided I needed to make a playlist of optimistic songs for myself. Intent on bucking up, I did all manner of purposeful clicking and dragging, yet the best I could come up with was a playlist I named “Moderately Cheerful.”

This discussion reminds me of a passage from one of my favorite books, High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. The main character owns a small, not very profitable record store and, as such, he’s in it for the pure love of music. At one point in the book, he lists some of his favorite songs and realizes they’re all quite sad. He goes on to say this:

Some of these songs I’ve listened to around once a week, on average (three hundred times in the first month, every now and again thereafter), since I was sixteen, or nineteen, or twenty-one. How can that not leave you bruised somewhere? How can that not turn you into the sort of person liable to break into little bits when your first love goes all wrong? What came first, the music or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to the music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person?

So, yeah, I appreciate that you don’t want your daughter to brood and break into tears over Neil Young. At least not while she’s this young and impressionable. Adolescence awaits! You want to build a foundation of good cheer before the real angst begins!

At the same time, you definitely don’t want to subject yourselves to saccharine kid’s music. Then you’ll be ready to jump out the window. With the playlist below, I’ve tried to strike a balance: for her, nothing depressing or potentially objectionable (no Prince, for example), but for you, nothing that’s like fingernails on a chalkboard. (That's my hope anyway.)

No Bad News– Patty Griffin: “Don’t bring me bad news, I don’t need none of your bad news today”…admittedly not the best grammar, but a great song all the same.

Stay Up Late– Talking Heads: Anytime you can mention a baby’s “little pee-pee” in a song, kids will chuckle.

Pineapple Head– Crowded House: Fun, Dada-esque lyrics developed from some fever-dream-induced ramblings of Neil Finn’s young son.

Rollerskate– Call and Response: Come on, it’s about rollerskating.


Raise the Roof– Tracey Thorn: This one might be the tiniest bit melancholy, but it’s so pretty you won’t mind.

Once Around the Block– Badly Drawn Boy

Catch My Disease– Ben Lee: He’s not talking about an STI or Asian flu, don’t worry.

Tempted– Squeeze: O.K., granted, this song talks about being “tempted by the fruit of another,” so it doesn’t technically fit into a neat kid-friendly category. But do you think she’ll pay that much attention to the words?

Sourwood Mountain– Carolina Chocolate Drops: A shout-out to you bluegrass lovers.

The Ballad of the Daykitty– Lou Barlow

Happy Days– McCoy Tyner: A lovely, melodic jazz piece that usually puts me in a good mood.


27 Jennifers– Mike Doughty: He talks about when he was in elementary school and he “rode the bus with 27 Jennifers”…it’s probably Olivia or Emily or Emma these days.

Walking to Do– Ted Leo / Pharmacists

Camel Walk– Southern Culture on the Skids: This song sounds vaguely dirty (Baby, would you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit, please?) but it’s silly and fun.

Sun– Toms

Linus and Lucy– Vince Guaraldi: a classic

Like I Love You– Justin Timberlake: I had to throw the kid a bone and include ONE performer her peers might also be listening to.

Bar Lights– Whiskytown: While a song about bar lights and how they shine in the liquor bottles won’t show up on an Raffi cds, it’s lovely and I think you’ll like it. It’s last, so maybe your daughter will have given up listening by now.

I’ll be happy to burn you a cd. (You know, just so you can give the songs a quick listen before you run out and purchase all the ones you like.)

Happy listening!
HTT

Confessions of a Plant Killer

I planted these previously healthy salvia on Saturday. That's right, two days ago. It's no wonder I often think I'd have been better off getting a condo instead of a house with a yard.

Dear HTT, I work full-time, take care of a house and two small children, and I'm exhausted!!

Dear HTT,

After working from home for the past six years (five telecommuting, one running [okay, more like stumbling] my own company), I've rejoined the 9 to 5 working world. I get up early, take a shower, put on actual clothes rather than running pants and a stretched-out t-shirt, get my 5-year-old girl and 3-year-old boy ready for school, put on MAKEUP and CURL MY HAIR (every day I'm saying!), go to work, deal with all the ridiculous little office personality crap all day and work every second (there is definitely no Internet surfing time at this place--I'm not even allowed phone calls or personal email), go home, cobble together some kind of dinner for the kids (typical dinner: veggie and fruit tray from Food Lion to pick at, slice of American cheese, watered-down juice), and fall asleep on the couch at about 8:00pm while my husband puts the kids to bed.

Here's my question. How do people who work in an office all day every week have any kind of life? I don't exercise, I gobble down fast food most of the time for lunch, I'm too tired to read my email at home and only occasionally look at it on the weekend. I don't talk to or see my friends or extended family. Sex is a distant memory. I usually sleep most of the day on Saturdays and spend Sunday desperately trying to get ahead of the laundry. I have not seen the bottom of the hampers since I started this job at the beginning of February. To further complicate matters, every other week is a deadline week, and I have to work late (alone, as my boss prefers to go out drinking with friends and everybody else is a sales rep) every day, not even getting to see my kids at all before they go to bed.

How can I balance work and having a life? I actually like the task part of my job and am good at it, and the location is perfect -- 2 minutes from my house. My husband has a good job, but it won't pay all the bills, especially because we ran up an extra $15,000 in credit card debt during the year I was trying to run my own business. I eat a lot of chocolate to try to fight getting depressed, and that's just making my clothes smaller... along with the junk food. What I really want is to be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the house and maybe do some freelance web design on the side. Way on the side. Practically falling off the edge of the side, if you know what I mean. I want to spend quality time with my kids and husband, help provide a healthy lifestyle for them, walk my dogs, see my friends, have a clean house and no piles of dirty laundry, actually go to a movie once in a while, etc etc etc.

Can you help me?

Signed,
Tired and Whiny In Cary


Dear Tired,

Wow. I feel spectacularly unqualified to answer your question. I have no idea how families with small children and two working parents manage. I’m only responsible for me, and sometimes I still feel overwhelmed by how much effort it takes to keep life on track. But I have given work-life balance a lot of thought over the years, so let’s see if I can ask a few questions and maybe offer some suggestions.

Is it possible you’ve got some perfectionist tendencies? If so, maybe you’re being too hard on yourself about your housekeeping, the meals you serve, and the state of your laundry pile. Try to figure out what you can let slide a little without beating yourself up about it. Most small kids I know aren’t clamoring for fancy meals, so if you’re meeting their nutritional needs, I wouldn’t sweat it that you didn’t whip up something from Martha Stewart’s recipe collection. If the family has enough clothes to last for a few days, take the dogs for a walk if you want, even if the hamper isn’t empty. Something’s got to give.

Are you getting enough help? From all the articles I’ve read, it seems that mothers generally still do more than their fair share of the house and kid duties. I don’t know your husband, so I don’t mean to sully his good name. Just asking.

(As an aside, I think it’s hilarious that this article in the Wall Street Journal crows over the results of a research study that showed that women underestimate the amount of time that men spend on housework. Women reported that their male partners did 33% of household chores, but when the researchers tracked men’s actual housework time it amounted to a whopping 39%. Excuse them for being off by six percent!!)

I know you have bills to pay, but can a compromise be struck? Can you do some part-time work instead of the full-time grind? And while it sounds like you enjoy your work tasks, it also seems that the working conditions leave something to be desired. Do you think a job search might be in order?

And now I’m getting into dangerous waters because, let me be clear, I am no budget guru and am definitely not one to be giving financial advice. But I can recommend a book I once read called “Your Money or Your Life,” which discusses the true costs of working (commuting, clothes, daycare, meals bought rather than fixed, job-related illness, stress-induced spending, etc.) and challenges readers to think about their purchases in terms of how many “life hours” they cost you. I guess what I’m trying to get around to, delicately, is this: is there room in your budget to cut back in order to pay off your debt more quickly? Will you be able to afford to quit working, or work less, once you do? I can tolerate just about anything if I’ve got a plan and an end in sight.

You need some support. Do you know other moms who work full time? How do they do it? Can they offer any advice? (I might fancy myself an advice columnist, but I also know when I'm out of my league!) And finally, are you depressed? O.K., clearly you're depressed and stressed out, and you have every right to be. But situational depression aside, do you think there’s something deeper going on?

You don’t need me to tell you this, but I will anyway. You deserve to have more fun in the one life you’ve got.

Good luck, my friend.
HTT

Who names these roads?

We've all seen some funny street names around here, like Jones Sausage Road in Raleigh, which also used to boast a Jackass Road. Today, I was in a northern Durham neighborhood and was compelled to take this picture. I'm just saying.