What other advice columnists say

A friend and reader sent this to me. I'll try not to follow this example, even though it made me laugh.

How will reclaiming my virginity affect me in the romance department?

Dear HTT,

I'm a divorced woman who wishes to 'reclaim her virginity' (i.e., be sexually abstinent, as younger women in HIV-prevalent settings are being urged to do to protect their health). Do you think that will affect my romantic prospects, and if so, how? Reclaiming one's virginity might be seen as akin to "detailing and garaging/protecting one's car" for a time before putting it on the market. Though used, it feels rather new. Also, in this day and age, maybe virgins -- of whatever age, pure or reclaimed -- are a refreshing, albeit puzzling novelty.

What do you think?
*************************

Dear Virgin Wannabe,

If you think reclaiming your virginity is a simple matter of announcing your abstinence and beating back suitors, you are mistaken my friend. Thanks to Google, I came across The Society for the Recapture of Virginity, which, FOR NO MONEY DOWN, assists you in the complex process of revirgination.

Three not-so-simple steps:

First you enter some information into the VRS 3000, a “state-of-the-art software which takes in factual information from the non-virgin, performs complex, rigorous calculations, and through a process called virgination, finds the algorithm needed to restore your virginity.” According to the site, “a group of highly skilled scientists set out on a multi-million dollar research study that eventually led to a breakthrough in the understanding of virginity.”

Next, based on the number crunching done by the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. “This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves that adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!”

(How do you know it works, you ask? Easy. According to the web site, “You will know.” Period.)

Finally, you will receive a certificate with your name on it (emphasis not mine) to prove that you have been reflowered.

I suspect (desperately hope) the creators of this site are pulling our legs, and kudos to them for making me nearly shoot coffee out of my nose. But all joking aside, your question about how this second virginity business might affect your romantic prospects deserves some serious discussion.

Are you looking at the process as one of detailing/garaging before going back on the market sometime soon? I mean, after all, you mention reclaiming virginity, not adopting life-long celibacy. And being a virgin means that you haven’t had sex yet, not that you intend on never having it. Given that, I think many men will view your revirginization with great enthusiasm.

First, you’re the best of both worlds: you do actually have sexual experience (I’m assuming), but of late you are pure. You’re the Madonna and the whore all in one person! (Um…I don’t mean you’re a whore. That didn’t come out right.) Second, lots of men love a challenge. You might very well be wined and dined and showered with flowers and candy by men with amorous intentions.

Now if don't plan to re-enter the market in the foreseeable future, I think you should make your parameters clear to any potential suitors. Are you wishing to remain a new virgin for a certain length of time? Until you fall deeply in love? What’s the purpose of your new-found virginity? Do you crave emotional, platonic relationships with men and don’t want sex to get in the way? I think a guy’s got a right to know, particularly if he is sincere and kind and not just looking for a booty call.

I’ll be curious to see how this situation unfolds!

Best,
HTT

Summer slump

Nothing particularly pertinent to my blog is going on right now, so I'll spare you any stream of consciousness rambling. (This is not to say life isn't good. It is.) But I didn't want lack of entries to cause any of my family members to think something distressing had happened to me.

Keep those questions coming...it's too hot and steamy to spend any time outside anyway! And lately, my in-box is filled only with notices that I've won the Irish Lottery.

My girlfriend gets hammered, her friends hate me, what should I do?

Dear HTT,

Girlfriend's friends are a problem.

When I first started dating my girlfriend a little over a year ago (we live together now), I met all of her friends and although a few of them were annoying, I took it in stride and decided they were along for the ride. Since then, I've helped them move, watched their houses and animals while they were out of town, hung out with them, basically accepted them as friends and put my heart and soul into that just as I would any friend.

When my girlfriend and I began to argue about alcohol (she drinks too much and has admitted that several times; she can never have just "a few" - always has to get hammered; she said several times she would change for the better but consistently failed at that after just a few days at most and we would argue again), she would seek the help of these friends as "second opinions". Of course, being her girlfriends and drinking buddies since long before I knew her, they supported her. They told her that I was "controlling", that I "didn't want her to have any fun", that I was "trying to take her away from her friends", etc etc the list goes on and on. It has degenerated into them flat-out declaring that I am an "asshole" and a "dick".

I have never done anything wrong to these friends - have only been genuine and treated them like my close friends as well. Now that they are picking me apart and beating me and us down, I tell her that this is too much and I no longer have any use for any of them. She says that I am the one with the alcohol problem (for not accepting her getting hammered frequently) and that I am alienating myself as far as these friends are concerned. I told her that they are the ones who screwed up.

Everything else is my fault. My girlfriend never apologizes for anything. When she is wrong and we argue, I apologize just so that we can move on; with the hopes that such forgiveness and understanding and work toward the greater good will be met with relief and she will work harder.

I know she loves me and she tells me that she does. She has a new house and new car (all in my name because she has no credit; I'm 5 years younger). I tell her I love her each night and each morning.

How do I fix this craziness of denial and friends?

Thank you for any advice.


Dear Anonymous,

I’m afraid that her friends are the least of your problems. When I boil your letter down to its core elements, this is what I see:

• Your girlfriend “gets hammered” whenever she drinks
• She has admitted she drinks too much, yet says you’re the one with the problem because you don’t accept her drinking
• She counts on her drinking-buddy friends to enable her behavior
• She thinks everything is your fault and never apologizes for anything
• She has used your good credit to purchase a house and a car

These are red flags. Briskly waving flags. Giant ones, like the enormous American flag that flies over at least one car dealership in every town in this country. You ask how to fix this situation, but your girlfriend seems to have problems that you can’t fix, no matter how much patience, forgiveness, or understanding you muster.

Believe me. I know all too well the appeal of “helping” or fixing someone. Hello, I’ve got a crush on Gregory House of the television show “House.” If you watch the show, you know he’s a pill-popping, emotionally distant, ass who is also brilliant and handsome. I imagine his character as possessing a kernel of goodness that would blossom with the love of the right woman (aka me, if House were actually a real person).

To some of us, people who go off the rails have their own crazy allure, but we have to fight the tendency—and hubris—to think we can make them better. And in case you’re thinking, “easy for you to say…House is just a television character and I’m talking about a living, breathing person whom I happen to love,” rest assured that I’m not delusional; I know it’s only t.v. But I also briefly dated a man who was an alcoholic. He readily admitted as much and was working hard, albeit not very successfully, to stop drinking. He had more than a kernel of goodness, but a relationship with him would have been unhealthy if not impossible.

Your girlfriend might not be an alcoholic, but clearly her drinking is of concern to you. And that’s a problem. Also, I’m troubled for you about the possible ramifications of having put her house and car in your name.

I trust that you love her. I even trust that she loves you. But, cliché though this may be, love isn’t enough. I’m going to stop just short of suggesting you break up, because maybe your girlfriend is capable of change, although it doesn’t sound like she thinks she needs to. I do recommend disentangling yourself financially. And then spend time alone, someplace restful and quiet, and think about whether this relationship really makes you happy.

Good luck,
HTT

A sort-of-crazy woman works with my kid. Should I talk to her boss?

Dear HTT,

My job involves interacting with a good number of volunteers. While most of these volunteers are lovely people invested in being helpful, one is so difficult to get along with that many of us suspect she has a borderline personality disorder. In person, she's more or less OK, if whiny; but in the 2,000-word passive-aggressive vitriolic e-mails she sends out at 4am, she complains of offenses against her, tosses out unpredictable insults, and threatens to remove herself forever from our workplace in a "goodbye cruel workplace" sort of way. Pretty much everyone is aware of her dysfunction, and frankly, more than a few of us would be happy to see her move on; but since the nonprofit I work for is in a rehab business of sorts, our jobs include letting her volunteer and helping her feel safe. We're all well practiced at turning the other cheek, and we're developing strategies for not getting emotionally punched out every time.

My problem isn't my workplace, where she's a volunteer, but her workplace, where she's a tenured employee who comes in contact with many children, including mine. As I wrote before, she seems OK in person, but it's those split-personality e-mails that have me worried, especially because I seem to be a convenient focus for much of her anger at the world (though others who receive messages from her also report being foci). In person, she doesn't seem like she'd take out her anger at me on my child, but I wouldn't put anything past her e-mail persona. Recognizing that she's likely only to be in occasional in-person contact with my child, should I nonetheless speak to her supervisor to request that she not be allowed to be alone with my child? I imagine her boss also knows about her idiosyncrasies, and I don't want to get her in trouble--I suspect she does her job pretty well, even if she bombs as a volunteer--but I also want to feel that my child is safe.

Sincerely,--What Would HTT Do?

Dear WWHTTD?

If you have any qualms about your child’s comfort and safety, you should talk to the woman's supervisor. But before you request that she not be allowed alone with your child—a request which is, let’s face it, an implicit accusation—why don’t you first simply express your concerns, calmly present what you know about this woman’s behavior, and see what the supervisor has to say? Phrase it just as you have here: “I don’t mean to get Ms. X in trouble. I suspect she does her job well, but I have witnessed some troubling behavior at her volunteer gig and I want to make sure there isn’t any spillover in her work with my child.”

It’s possible her boss will be able to put your fears to rest in any number of ways. If not, then ask that your child not be left alone in her care. If there’s only the occasional opportunity that he would be anyway, it’s not like you’re demanding any major changes or concessions.

You don’t want any niggling fears about your child’s well being, especially when this is one of the few situations in his life over which you’ll have some control. It’s good of you to turn the other cheek on this woman’s semi-abusive volunteer behavior, but I don’t think you need to be as tolerant while your kid is in her care.

Good luck!
HTT

It's been too nice to blog.

This weekend's weather was a mid-summer gift. High of 84, low in the upper 50s. In July. In North Carolina. It's this type of climate that used to make me pine for Seattle or Portland every summer before I decided my mental health would probably suffer during their rainy seasons (all three of them).

At any rate, I've been away and I haven't quite gotten back in the swing of things. Heather Havrilesky, who writes a hilarious column about t.v. for Salon, said something that rings so true for me: "My personal rule is, if I don't sink into a major existential crisis when I get back from vacation then I wasn't gone for long enough." This happened both times when I returned from Ireland. I moped and shuffled around my house, listening to nothing but traditional Celtic music, drinking hot milky tea, scanning on-line dating sites for men named Seamus, and setting the AC low enough to pretend I needed to bundle up in my new Blarney woolen throw.

A week in St. Lucia wasn't long enough to set off a crisis. (For better or worse. On the one hand, I'm glad not to be full of existential angst; on the other, I wouldn't have minded being gone longer). But I did get out of the habit of writing.

I'm getting back to it, though, and I've got a question to answer. So stay tuned. In the meantime, here's a shot of the Caribbean from the plane.


And one of the Pitons, St. Lucia's signature site:


One of The Black Pearl, allegedly featured in "Pirates of the Caribbean":



And, finally, one of a little fishing village on the island's east coast:

Crispy around the edges

Quick update from St. Lucia: Though slightly burned in typically-ignored spots, my SPF 30 and 55 sunblocks seem to be doing the job. Have yet to find a hat for my huge noggin. Fortunately, I brought an old baseball cap, which I was desperately hoping not to resort to. Dorky though I may look, at least my face isn't fried.

It's an hour and a half drive from the airport to the hotel, and my cab driver was a great tour guide. The island is lovely and green, with mountains, banana plantations, rain forests, rocky coasts on the eastern side, and sandy beaches with turquoise water in the west.

Work starts tomorrow, for three days, and then a bit of vacation. I'm hoping to arrange an official tour, but if that falls through, I can always call the cab driver and plan my own day trip. He knows his stuff!