Crafting: a Labor of Love

Two excellent questions await my response, but I proved too lazy to answer them this weekend. So, for now, I'll instead regale you with Tales of a Very Short Road Trip.

My friend Tina and I decided to take a mini (or maybe micro) road trip on Labor Day to a nearby town known for its stately Victorian homes and quaint downtown. One of the downtown attractions is a refurbished warehouse, partitioned into booths that display the wares of local craftspeople. In fact, not just craftspeople...this place bills itself as "yesterday's architecture, today's artisans."

Well, I'll leave it to you to determine whether the offerings qualify as artisanal.

Yes, indeed, that's a hand-made Elvis knick-knack box.

Tina, looking very stylish in this lovely hair bow.

You know, Tina, Dawn, and I are planning a trip to Rome. Maybe the chic rolling bag, above, will come in handy. Or this special purse, as Tina demonstrates with her cab-hailing pose:

But, then, these are nice, right? Dignified pictures of someone's great grandparents, perhaps?

Nope. Wrong. When you shift your head from side to side, Maw-maw and Paw-paw morph into this freak show:


After hamming it up throughout the store, snapping pictures and giggling like little girls, we were somewhat chagrined to find this sign tucked away amidst the Barbie doll fairies:


Yikes. At first I brushed it off, figuring that this sign was just a ruse to put off would-be shoplifters, but then I noticed a huge monitor that was, in fact, being monitored by a salesperson in the front of the store. Fortunately, because the views from about 12 cameras appeared on one television screen, no one picture was big enough to do justice to our antics.

And, finally, on the way back to Durham, we stopped at a grocery store, where I was sorely tempted to purchase this magazine:

I mean, I've been fed up with squirrels digging up my impatiens, so maybe this would be the perfect subscription! My birthday's coming up in November, hint hint.

Summer's almost over, and I'm totally bummed! What should I do?

Dear HTT,

I want to write to you for advice but not sure about how to disguise myself. You would know from my email address who I might be.

I thought it would be a good place to put a comment on your vacation pictures and pose my dilemma.

I am in a panic about summer ending. I have to say that it’s been a blast and I am afraid that the good times will end. And I don't want to wait another 10 months for summer to start again.

What advice can you give me to keep the good times rolling???

PS: Football season does start in a few weeks so there is some light on my horizon.

Party Girl


Dear Party Girl,

First, thanks for your ingenuity…posting your question in the comments section is a great way to disguise yourself! The rest of you anonymity-challenged readers/would-be letter writers should take note.

Now, on to your dilemma. I’m not sure how old you are or where you live. If summer’s end means back to school (or work, if you’re a teacher), I can imagine falling into a funk this time of year. Or, if your main form of fun involves a beach and a bottle of pina-colada-scented tanning oil, maybe the passing of 90-degree days is cause for mourning. Or, if you reside in a state that might see snow in a few weeks, I guess I can imagine bumming out as August slips by.

But for me, the end of August is cause for celebration. Soon the high temperature will dip below 99! Being outdoors will become a pleasure and not just a test of endurance. I might be able to take my hair out of a ponytail, once even the thought of a few strands on my neck doesn’t make me sweat. Before too long, we’ll be enjoying a little nip in the air, some mulled cider, bulky sweaters, and an energetic spring in the steps of our stylishly boot-clad feet.

Honestly, if you work year-round, I don’t see why summer holds any more party promise than the rest of the year. All right, maybe pool parties will drop off the calendar for a while, but what else can’t you do in the fall that you can do in the summer? Where I live, fall’s a nicer time of year for a cookout, a picnic, drinks on a bar patio, a bike ride, a hike, a road trip, a street fair, a wedding, most vacations, a walk on the beach, a party on the porch, a stroll around Duke Gardens, a trip to the farmer’s market, hand-holding (fewer sweaty palms), dressing up, gardening, dancing, exploring new places, oh, I could go on and on.

But, o.k., I’ll assume that the passing of summer is, for you, reason to despair, whether it marks the end of aimless days of pleasure or the beginning of an early and long, dreary winter. I guess the closest parallel from my own life that I can draw on to feel what you might be feeling is the end of a fantastic vacation. (And you posted near my vacation pictures, so you know how depressed I can get when I return from a great trip.) This is what I do when vacation ends: I start planning another one. Not just dreaming. Planning. I need some concrete fun to look forward to. If you know me at all, you’ve probably heard me say, at least once, “In order to be happy in life, one must always be on vacation or planning one.”

So, Party Girl, start cooking up some fun for the fall and winter. Sure, if you’ve had the luxury of partying every night over the summer, you’re going to have to make do with less. And certainly, unlike a vacation, you can’t just plan to have summer again in a few months. (Although if it’s beach weather you’ll crave, remember it’s always hot somewhere in the world.) Think about the kinds of events that will add joy to your life this fall and winter and make real plans to do them. Get other people on board. I know for some people lack of spontaneity is a buzz kill, but even a few exciting, sure-to-happen events on your calendar can make the end of summer (for you) or vacation (for me) easier to bear.

Party on, my anonymous friend!

HTT

More on crushes

A guy friend of mine begged to differ with my advice to the previous letter writer. He said that he'd prefer the object of his crush to be less opaque about her feelings so that he's not left guessing. But, when pressed, he couldn't come up with what she should actually say. I maintain that there's no polite way to tell someone you're not interested in them, particularly if they haven't expressed interest in YOU.

The burden is on people with a crush to rip the band aid off if they really want to know where they stand with the object of their affection.

However, as I tried to express to "Crushed," I think it's humane....a kindness, a mitzvah...to try to get the point across somehow that she's not interested in dating her pal. Don't make him rip the band aid off if he can avoid it.

Should I crush someone who might have a crush on me?

Dear HTT,

I have a small group of loosely connected friends that I hang around with on a fairly regular basis, some of them more than others. I have reason to believe that one of the guys in the group has a crush on me. He’s never said so straight out, but it’s just a feeling I get. I like spending time with him, but I’m not interested in dating him. Should I tell him? I don’t want to hurt him or make it awkward for the two of us to show up at the same events, but I don’t want to lead him on either. I don’t flirt with him, but I am friendly, and it’s possible he could be misreading the signals.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

Crushed


Dear Crushed,

You know, this whole crush business generates more visits to my site than any other topic. People who arrive at “Here’s the Thing” from Google leave a visible trail of search terms, at least half of which include the word “crush.” (Don’t worry. As I pointed out earlier, I can’t tell WHO is doing the googling, so your secrets are safe.) It’s fascinating, really, to imagine just how many people at this very moment are nursing a secret crush on a coworker, friend, teacher, buddy of a spouse, barista, bartender, or girl across the hall. As widespread as this situation appears to be, it’s puzzling that someone hasn’t figured out how to profit somehow. Or, more philanthropically, to come up with some kind of cure and distribute it widely, free of charge. I'm sure a cure would be welcome. Because by their nature, crushes are fun for a few weeks or months at best before they give way to frustration and pining and pints of Ben and Jerry’s. (Unless they happen to turn into relationships, in which case, they’re no longer “crushes.”)

After all, crush is violent word:

–verb (used with object)

• to press or squeeze with a force that destroys or deforms.
• to squeeze or pound into small fragments or particles, as ore, stone, etc.
• to force out by pressing or squeezing; extract: to crush cottonseeds in order to produce oil.
• to rumple; wrinkle; crease.
• to smooth or flatten by pressure: to crush leather.
• to hug or embrace forcibly or strongly: He crushed her in his arms.
• to destroy, subdue, or suppress utterly: to crush a revolt.
• to overwhelm with confusion, chagrin, or humiliation, as by argumentation or a slighting action or remark; squelch.
• to oppress grievously.

–noun

• the act of crushing; state of being crushed.
• a great crowd: a crush of shoppers.
• an intense but usually short-lived infatuation.
• the object of such an infatuation: Who is your latest crush?

It’s probably no coincidence that “an intense but usually short-lived infatuation” that can cause no small amount of depression and googling isn’t called—I don’t know—a “nurture” or an “encouragement.”

So, getting around to your specific crushing issue: since this fellow hasn’t laid bare his feelings or asked you on a date, you can’t be certain he thinks of you as more than a friend. As such, I think it’d be a bit presumptuous to explicitly state that you lack romantic interest in him. For the sake of argument, though, let’s assume that he does have a crush on you. It’s quite possible that he already knows you aren’t interested and is just biding his time until the crush fades, as they tend to do.

I think your best bet is to remain friendly but pay attention to your boundaries. It’s flattering to be wanted, but continue resisting the temptation to flirt. If you usually only see one another in a group, keep it that way; if you have hung out alone in the past, maybe for a while it would be better to include others. If you have, or develop, an interest in someone, mention it to him as you would to any other friend, but take care not to be heavy handed or cruel about it.

Bottom line, treat this guy as you’d hope to be treated if the tables were turned.

Best,
HTT

What other advice columnists say

A friend and reader sent this to me. I'll try not to follow this example, even though it made me laugh.

How will reclaiming my virginity affect me in the romance department?

Dear HTT,

I'm a divorced woman who wishes to 'reclaim her virginity' (i.e., be sexually abstinent, as younger women in HIV-prevalent settings are being urged to do to protect their health). Do you think that will affect my romantic prospects, and if so, how? Reclaiming one's virginity might be seen as akin to "detailing and garaging/protecting one's car" for a time before putting it on the market. Though used, it feels rather new. Also, in this day and age, maybe virgins -- of whatever age, pure or reclaimed -- are a refreshing, albeit puzzling novelty.

What do you think?
*************************

Dear Virgin Wannabe,

If you think reclaiming your virginity is a simple matter of announcing your abstinence and beating back suitors, you are mistaken my friend. Thanks to Google, I came across The Society for the Recapture of Virginity, which, FOR NO MONEY DOWN, assists you in the complex process of revirgination.

Three not-so-simple steps:

First you enter some information into the VRS 3000, a “state-of-the-art software which takes in factual information from the non-virgin, performs complex, rigorous calculations, and through a process called virgination, finds the algorithm needed to restore your virginity.” According to the site, “a group of highly skilled scientists set out on a multi-million dollar research study that eventually led to a breakthrough in the understanding of virginity.”

Next, based on the number crunching done by the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. “This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves that adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!”

(How do you know it works, you ask? Easy. According to the web site, “You will know.” Period.)

Finally, you will receive a certificate with your name on it (emphasis not mine) to prove that you have been reflowered.

I suspect (desperately hope) the creators of this site are pulling our legs, and kudos to them for making me nearly shoot coffee out of my nose. But all joking aside, your question about how this second virginity business might affect your romantic prospects deserves some serious discussion.

Are you looking at the process as one of detailing/garaging before going back on the market sometime soon? I mean, after all, you mention reclaiming virginity, not adopting life-long celibacy. And being a virgin means that you haven’t had sex yet, not that you intend on never having it. Given that, I think many men will view your revirginization with great enthusiasm.

First, you’re the best of both worlds: you do actually have sexual experience (I’m assuming), but of late you are pure. You’re the Madonna and the whore all in one person! (Um…I don’t mean you’re a whore. That didn’t come out right.) Second, lots of men love a challenge. You might very well be wined and dined and showered with flowers and candy by men with amorous intentions.

Now if don't plan to re-enter the market in the foreseeable future, I think you should make your parameters clear to any potential suitors. Are you wishing to remain a new virgin for a certain length of time? Until you fall deeply in love? What’s the purpose of your new-found virginity? Do you crave emotional, platonic relationships with men and don’t want sex to get in the way? I think a guy’s got a right to know, particularly if he is sincere and kind and not just looking for a booty call.

I’ll be curious to see how this situation unfolds!

Best,
HTT

Summer slump

Nothing particularly pertinent to my blog is going on right now, so I'll spare you any stream of consciousness rambling. (This is not to say life isn't good. It is.) But I didn't want lack of entries to cause any of my family members to think something distressing had happened to me.

Keep those questions coming...it's too hot and steamy to spend any time outside anyway! And lately, my in-box is filled only with notices that I've won the Irish Lottery.