I think my friend's ex-wife cheated on him. What should I do?

Dear HTT,

I have friends who divorced last year. I got to know them together, and the man is a good friend of my SO. My SO and the man are part of a group of friends who have known each other for over a decade, and have been witness to the marriage as it fell apart. During the separation, I vowed (to myself) to support both and not let the ex-wife feel abandoned by the whole lot of this crowd. (She and I share a few interests and I have been through my own painful split-up). She appeared to feel the need to fall back on her new-found friends and let the ex-husband have his space with his friends. I have grown closer to the ex-husband due to the closeness of him to my SO. She and I are basically acquaintances.

As tends to happen, many angry conversations came up in the ex-husbands crowd about the ex-wife. I felt the need to defend. There were questions about her fidelity, mostly surrounding the social circles she is now in. (We sometimes see each other on the weekends in this crowd). I did not say I knew for sure that she was faithful, but let the ex-husband know that I had not seen her out with an obvious attachment to another man. I also heard similar comments from others who were attempting not to be too quick to dismiss her as a friend as well.

I found out through a person who is not a close friend, but knows the ex-wife's goings-on, that she indeed did have an affair while married to her ex. (This information was unsolicited, I think alcohol contributed to this person's desire to share). I believe that this is not a rumor, because I know that she is now dating a man she was out with socially often both before and after the separation. I am unaware if this same information was also passed on to the ex-husband.

Here's The Thing-Now I feel naive and like an idiot for defending her and for taking the sometimes angry comments from both the SO and the ex-husband about why I was trying to be fair. There are a few things I am aware of going into this: a) it's really none of my business what she does, b) she is an acquaintance, and I'm closer to the ex-husband than her, and c) she probably will not perceive it if there is a change in my behavior.

So, what would you do? Do I owe the ex-husband an apology? Should I just sit tight and keep my yap shut?


FAR-TOO-FRIENDLY FRANCES



Dear Far-Too-Friendly,

I don’t think you owe the husband an apology.

Even if the woman had an affair (and you still can’t be positive that she did), you don’t know anything about the circumstances. That’s not to say a situation exists that would make you approve of her dalliance—if she had one—but there could be extenuating circumstances that might cause you to be more forgiving of her actions.

It’s impossible to truly understand the inner workings of other people’s relationships. People are inscrutable as it is, alone. But a couple equals inscrutable squared. Who can tell what makes a couple work, or not? Or what bargains were struck and compromises accepted? Maybe your friend made his wife miserable. Maybe he wasn’t faithful. Maybe they were on the verge of a breakup anyway when this alleged affair took place. Lots of maybes. I’m not trying to make excuses for her or paint him as a wife-neglecting jerk. I’m just saying there could be a lot you don’t know.

But whether she had an affair or not is almost beside the point of your question. You have nothing to apologize for. You haven’t lied to your friend. You didn’t knowingly cover for his ex-wife’s infidelity. You’ve only tried to be fair and nonjudgmental, and that certainly doesn’t make you a naïve idiot who owes anyone an apology. I think your best bet is to keep mum. Don’t engage in ex-wife bashing, but don’t feel the need to defend her either.

Thanks for writing!
HTT

Should I tell my married coworker that I want to sleep with her?

I need advice. I work in a corporate environment and have had what would be called a crush (if I were 20 years younger) on a coworker for years. She just turned in her resignation to spend more time at home with her young child.

I'm friends with her husband and don't really want to do him wrong, but I have a nearly overwhelming urge to ask her to sleep with me before (or just after) she leaves the company. I know it is traditionally regarded as wrong, but that's where I am.

Now, I'm not going to ask you if I should do it, because obviously I shouldn't . . . and I won't. But should I tell her that I wanted to ask? I feel like it is a barrier between us. I mean, she is gorgeous and that's not a biased opinion, nobody that has ever seen her would ever think differently. So she has to know that I'm attracted to her because all straight men would be. But, is it right or wrong to come out and say it?

Lustful in the Cubefarm

Dear Lustful,

Nothing good can come from telling your coworker that you want to sleep with her.

Do you secretly hope that you’ll tell her, she’ll share your feelings, and then you’ll end up in bed? And do you think that using phrasing like “I always wanted to ask you to sleep with me,” rather than “Would you sleep with me,” might somehow diminish your culpability? You know, I loved Bill Clinton as a president, but the way he sliced and diced language in an attempt to justify his affair was a little pitiful. (But not impeachment-worthy, mind you.) It doesn’t depend on what the definition of “is” is, and it wouldn’t matter how you phrased it. You’d still be doing something that you acknowledge is wrong.

And suppose you tell her and she’s mortified? Has she ever even hinted about being open to the idea? Maybe she’s happily married and, in all her gorgeousness, is weary of being ogled and hit on. You think a barrier exists between you now? It’ll be the Great Wall of Awkwardness if you indulge in your urge to tell her.

I don’t mean to be harsh, and I’m not judging you. I suspect most of us would admit to having had an “inappropriate” crush at one time or another. You can’t help being attracted to someone who happens to be married. And married people still get crushes, too. But crushes have a tendency to block rational thought. So let me be the voice of reason: you’re asking for trouble. Write something kind on the card that’s probably circulating around the office. Chip in for her going-away gift. Keep your hidden crush hidden and, even better, try to move on.

Good luck,
HTT

Chinqua Penn Dwarfs

On Saturday, I took a mini road trip to the lovely Chinqua Penn Plantation in Reidsville. According to our tour guide, the plantation has been featured on A&E's America's Castles and listed on the National Register of Historic Places. It's a 27-room English countryside mansion filled with elaborate furnishings from 30 countries.

Unfortunately, photography isn't allowed inside the house, so I don't have pictures of the 15th century Chinese frescos, or the Louis the XVI Chippendale style furniture, or the 700-year-old East Indian marble relief. All of which I highly recommend seeing.





However, I was able to photograph these unusual and slightly unsettling statues. (Perhaps the implicit message is "don't smoke or your growth will be stunted"?)

HTT, I don't like someone my husband works with, and she wants to be my friend.

Dear HTT:

I am very good friends with the wife of one of my husband’s colleagues. The guys don’t really work together, but they’re both in the same division of the company, they know and like each other, and introduced me and Madeline at a Christmas party hosted by another colleague a few years ago. Madeline and I have a lot in common and have hit it off.

Madeline’s husband has an ex-wife who also works with the guys in the same division of the company, in the same branch as my husband. My husband doesn’t know the ex-wife too well, but says she’s nice and she’s friend with my husband’s boss because their kids all attend the same small private school. I met the ex-wife a few months ago at an office Christmas party. She did seem nice, but kind of weird also--she raved about a pie I made two years earlier for an office pot luck, telling me what a great cook I was to the point that I was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was overdone. I’ve since seen her at a few functions hosted by my husband’s boss. We have polite exchanges and that’s about it. I still think she’s weird.

Lately, the ex-wife has started aggressively pursuing contact with me through my husband. She dropped by his office recently to give him a copy of “Pomegranate Soup” which she wanted him to pass along to me. She thought I’d like it because the novel includes recipes. Today she approached my husband and told him she wanted to get to know me better, she wanted to have lunch with me, and asked my husband what my schedule will be over the next few weeks so she could call and set something up.

My friend Madeline has never met the ex-wife. Apparently the divorce was amicable, but they aren’t friends and have no contact. The ex-wife married a guy that works in another division. Despite all these damn work-related social functions, I’ve never seen the two couples at the same party let alone in the same room.

The ex-wife told my husband today that she was going to call me to set up a lunch date. I’m really not interested--her interest in me seems out of place given what little we know about each other plus I see potential for awkwardness given that I am close to her ex-husband’s wife. I honestly don’t know if the ex-wife is aware of my friendship with Madeline, it is very possible she doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is she would want to know (I would if I were in her shoes).

What would you do in this situation? What could I tactfully say to get out of going to lunch yet not burn a bridge (given all these work-related social events)?

Too Many Wives


Dear Too Many,

Oh what tangled webs and all that. To be honest, this situation befuddled me to such an extent that I’ve put off answering your question, while waiting to be struck by a flash of brilliance. Sadly, no such flash has occurred, but I will procrastinate no longer.

To start, let me try to break this down to the basics:

1. You like Madeline.
2. You’re not crazy about Madeline’s husband’s ex-wife, whom, for the sake of space, I’ll call “Jane.” (Although I can understand why it might be awkward to befriend Jane, I’m not really clear why you object to her personally. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ll take your word for it.)
3. Your husband works with Jane, albeit it not closely.
4. Jane is friendly with your husband’s boss.

It would be easy for me to say that life is too short to spend your free time with people you don’t particularly like. And while I whole-heartedly believe that, I’m not naive. I understand the exigencies of a social life that revolves, at least in part, around your husband’s colleagues. I’m guessing that because of the interconnectedness of this group and the variety of functions at which you’re likely to bump into all involved, you have to make nice.

First, yes, I would tell Jane that you’re friends with Madeline. Just say something like, “I wasn’t sure if you already knew, but I wanted to clear the air. I hope my relationship with Madeline doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.” If you’re lucky, it will and Jane will decide on her own that a friendship with you would just be too odd.

Or, depending on what Jane’s like, you might be able to get away with claiming awkwardness as a reason for not pursing a friendship with her. If you think she would see the logic in that and not take it personally, you could avoid burning that bridge.

If not, then, you’re left with figuring out how to be polite to Jane—since she works with your husband, is friends with his boss, and will likely see you at future social gatherings—while encouraging as little social interaction as possible. Can you say yes to an occasional lunch or coffee date, but turn down her invitations more often than not, pleading a hectic schedule? I imagine that she would eventually give up. I hate to admit that I’ve taken this very tack in several similar circumstances. I warn you that this isn’t the sort of behavior that will make you feel good about yourself. But short of saying, “I don’t like you very much and would rather not spend time with you,” I can’t think of a way other than the passive avoidance I’m recommending here.

Perhaps by now you’ve already got this conundrum all worked out and, if so, I’d love to hear how you managed!

Best,
HTT

HTT, my doctor is sick...can I send a card?

I've been going to the same doctor for about seven years and I really like him as a person. I had an appointment with him yesterday for the first time in about a year and he has cancer. He didn't say anything, but when he walked in the room I knew. He was so thin and had the look of someone in the middle of chemotherapy. It shocked me and broke my heart. Once he left the room, the nurse confirmed my suspicions and said that he is very sick and doesn't work very much anymore. He's not old and was a very active man.

I want to acknowledge his illness and let him know I'm thinking about him. Is it inappropriate for me (a patient) to send him a card? Is it an inappropriate thing to do in general?

*******************

I think it’s rarely inappropriate to show care and compassion. I would send the card.

There is a chance your doctor would prefer his illness were a private matter, but his obvious poor health coupled with acknowledgment of such from the nurse lead me to believe he’s probably accepted the idea that people know.

You’ve liked him for seven years. You are saddened that he’s sick. Go ahead and send the card.

HTT

False advertising

As I've mentioned before, I'm not exactly handy. But my utter lack of competence was revealed last night, as I attempted to assemble a screened gazebo in my backyard. To be fair, I'm fully aware that dexterity with tools is not one of my strong suits, so I've put off purchasing one of these things for years, waiting until I found one that didn't require five different kinds of wrenches et al.


Here are some images from the box of the item I bought.

Hmmmmm....an "Instant Up Garden Gazebo." Yes, "instant up" is just what I need!

And just to reinforce the alleged ease with which this garden gazebo can be assembled, to lull you into thinking it practically assembles itself, there's this:



"Easy set up. No tools required. Takes MINUTES, versus HOURS." And look at that, one fairly slight woman, who is not only not sweating and cursing, she's smiling as she sets this up alone, presumably minutes before her party guests arrive. (She's not wearing an outfit like the ripped jeans and threadbare t-shirt I reserve for yard work.) This is it, I think to myself, this is the gazebo I've been waiting for all my life.



Easy set up my ass! I'm here to tell you, that it took me and a friend a total of two hours to assemble this thing, and there was sweating and cursing. Later, as I stood in my yard admiring our handy work, I noticed one little thing amiss. So I pulled out my ladder, set it up on the none-to-stable patio flagstones, climbed to the top, and proceeded to fiddle with the roof, only to snap two pieces of the frame, as if it were made of toothpicks. And this was the result.

I will admit: I cried. I ranted and raved. But in the end, I'm very lucky, because I had several wonderful friends offer to help me disassemble it, load that f-er right back in my car, and put up whatever garden shelter I should choose as a replacement.

Sigh.

Dear HTT, you're going to have to find a really clever headline for this...

Dear HTT,

(Ok, so I'm way too lazy to set up an anonymous email account just so you don't know who this question came from, so you're just gonna have to live with knowing this about me.)

Today I shit my pants at work. All afternoon there was some gurgling going on in my gut as I sat happily working in my cubicle. Finally, I stood up to go to the bathroom and my ass exploded! My intestines did somersaults and it was not a silent affair. I have no clue how many people heard. I made it to the bathroom without being sighted but had to dump my undies in there. I got cleaned up and left commando-style. Someone came in as I was washing my hands; went into, then back out of, the stall I had been in. Poor thing! I sneaked out of the office without seeing anyone else. As I sit here typing I am laughing and crying at the same time. How the hell did I lose control of my bowels? Is this age? Disease? Is it gonna happen to me again? How can I face that person?

Just last week I was visiting someone in the hospital and had to listen to the patient in the next bed use a bedpan. I laughed about it and told my "horror" story to my friends. Is God punishing me?

Help!
Left My Dignity in My Shorts, Stall 1, Fourth Floor


Dear Dignity,

I might never read a more compelling opening line as long as I live. You pack a lot of drama into that short, declarative sentence with its bold active voice. Your second sentence? A thing of beauty. Look at the alliteration! And…and…”your ass exploded”? How vivid! Way to go, following the “show, don’t tell” rule!

What? You say I’m missing the point? Maybe I’m not missing it. Maybe I’m just too uncomfortable to address it. And that’s what people do. They change the subject and they don’t talk about that which they find awkward or dirty. (But for god’s sake, you can turn on Fear Factor and watch people eat fetid piles of fish guts and live hissing cockroaches and pickled cow colons. What could possibly be more disgusting than that? And what about the people who make complete asses of themselves on these reality tv shows? Talk about loss of dignity!) Anyway, the more people don’t talk about something, the worse that something becomes in our own minds. Have you ever been in therapy and worked up the nerve to tell your therapist something you thought was a deep, dark, terrible secret about yourself, only to find after giving it air and light that it wasn’t so horrible after all?

My point is not to tell you not to be embarrassed. I won’t patronize you. But I’d like to try to convince you that there’s nothing shameful about what happened to you. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I doubt it’s even all that uncommon.

I’ve had two friends, besides you, relate similar experiences. Now, for the sake of argument---and my below-average math skills---let’s just say I have 10 friends with whom I feel close enough to share this level of detail about bodily functions. (Right, I’m all for making bodily functions less taboo, but I’m not saying anyone is likely to take out a billboard describing the details of their pants-pooping experience.) So, if 30 percent of my close friends have like tales to tell, how does this translate to the general population? I don’t know, but you are not alone.

Now, I’m not a doctor. Obviously. But unless you have other symptoms or this becomes a more common occurrence, I’m guessing that you were just so enthralled with and wrapped up in your work (circumstances I cannot, unfortunately, imagine myself in), that you procrastinated a bit too long. If we’re all honest with ourselves, I’ll bet most of us could recount some extremely-near misses.

As for your question about God, I’m also no theologian. However, I do believe that life is a long series of humbling learning experiences.

Hope you’re feeling better,
HTT