Before I answer my next question, I need to provide a little background. I’m not quite sure how, but my step-mother, Faith, began correspondence several years ago with a fellow named Cap’n Slappy, who founded Talk Like a Pirate Day (www.talklikeapirate.com). If you’re even mildly dubious about the whole pirate thing, and I hope you’re not, you should know that the Cap’n has received all kinds of coverage, including mention in Dave Barry’s blog. And the Glasgow Daily Record. And the Sacramento Bee. (Press coverage of Here’s the Thing
to date…mmmm…zero.) This pirate business is hot stuff! I’m ready to buy an eye patch and learn the Talk Like a Pirate theme song.
At any rate, to help me publicize my new advice column, Faith wrote to the Cap’n, who gives sage advice of the pirate variety to his readers. Not only was Cap’n Slappy kind enough to allow this cross-promotion, but he also submitted the following question.
Dear HTT,
Okay, here’s the thing! I’m a pirate-themed advice columnist whose advice can typically be described as “misguided” at best and “legally indefensible” at worst. For example, it is my firm belief that most of Life’s little dilemmas can be resolved if one drinks enough rum and/or finds someone worthy and administers a savage beating with one’s fists and forehead. Common sense stuff for a pirate, really!
Still, I can’t help but wonder …
Am I really helping? Sure, my sponsor, Captain Morgan’s Rum is keen on my “Jigger a day” campaign. And I just received an honorary doctorate from the Center for Advanced Studies of Pre-Frontal Blunt-Force Impact Head Injuries – but even so, I can’t escape the nagging feeling that I’m simply perpetuating a stereotype of a much misunderstood cultural sub-set.
Also, your step-mum pimped your site pretty hard in my column – and because I have nothing but respect for her – I let her! Do you think the other pirates will think I’ve gone soft? And how many savage beatings with my fists and forehead do you think it will take to remedy that perception?
Just call me Cap’n Slappy,
Cap’n Slappy
www.talklikeapirate.com
P.S. We sell our book from our web site – it’s very funny and everyone should buy at least twelve copies.
Dear Cap’n Slappy,
First, it’s an honor to receive a letter from someone as experienced in advice-giving as you. Second, I would like to express my gratitude for allowing Faith to pimp my column on your site and for your kind words about my nascent avocation.
I fear that our approach to advising is so different that I’m not qualified to comment on rum and beatings (at least not in a public forum that my mother and several coworkers have been known to visit). However, I would like to address the broader question you asked, which is if you [or any advice columnist] can really help your readers.
I’ve actually mulled this over quite a bit. Where do I get the nerve offering advice to anyone? I’m not exactly issue-free myself, and I’ve often felt that I could benefit from my own personal advice columnist to help navigate my relationships and moral dilemmas. (Pirates are supposed to be good at navigation, no?)
But I’ve decided that the advice we give is really only half the point. I believe that the very act of writing the letter gets advice seekers to think about their problems in a new light. Putting words to paper and making ourselves understood by others demands a certain focus, a certain remove from the emotional tangle our problems become in our head.
But here’s where the advice columnists’ half of the equation comes in. Everyone wants to be heard. And sometimes it helps to be heard by someone who doesn’t already have a dog in the fight. (O.K., so all my questions thus far have come from friends, but still.) You know that exercise that therapists recommend…the one about writing letters to express your feelings, and then trashing these blistering missives instead of sending them to the person who caused you all the angst in the first place? No offense intended to any therapists out there, but I’ve never gotten ANY satisfaction out of that activity. I want someone to recognize that I’m hurt or to feel bad that my problem is waking me up at 3:00 a.m. And it would be nice, too, if that person actively thought about my problem for a few minutes, offered some sympathy, expressed an opinion, and then asked a few pointed questions to get me thinking about my own solutions.
Whether I agree with the opinion isn’t of utmost importance. Either way, I’ve purged, I’ve been heard, and maybe I can more clearly see some options for a way forward.
So, the person purged to doesn’t have to have all the answers, and neither do you or I (thank God). The best we can do is make an honest effort to address a reader’s concern and offer a well-considered opinion, but of course our own experiences—be it success with rum in your case or a penchant for talking things out in mine—will color our reply. What people do with the advice is up to them. To get to the crux of your question—are you
helping?—probably, in some fashion, or people wouldn’t keep reading. Personally, at this early stage of my column, I’d be happy just to amuse and do no harm.
Best wishes, matey.
HTT
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Friday, March 2, 2007
HTT, what's in a name?
Dear HTT,
I'm pregnant with my second child, and if it's a girl, my mother wants my husband and I to name the baby after her. The back-story is that my parents are from Greece and very traditional, and of course expect us to follow their long-lived Greek naming traditions. Now I'm all for preserving my heritage, which my parents consider to be under siege, and there are a number of Greek names that I love. But not my mother's.
Her name is Hariklia. The English pronunciation sounds like a cross between Hercules and Caligula. The Greek pronunciation is no better -- it sounds like you're trying to dislodge a Kalamata olive pit from your throat. Here's a testimony to its unpronouncability --- my mother came to live in North Carolina in 1968 and ever since she's been called Harriet. I know old lady names are in vogue these days, but I'll believe a Harriet comeback after I see Hortense top the charts first.
My parents have also alluded to cutting off our inheritance if we don't take their names. They once said to my brother, who had two girls and for better or worse chose to ignore their plea: "Ah, you do not like our names for your children, then maybe we do not like your names in our will." Given that I'm a lowly non-profit liege and my husband a seemingly interminable grad student, we don't want that to happen -- assuming we get more than a trunk of doilies, a statue of Aphrodite, and a rusty automatic lamb spit, that is.
Other than praying to the gods for a boy (thankfully my father's name is Nickolas), what do I do?
Nominally Challenged in North Carolina
Dear NC in NC,
I feel strongly that as parents, your first obligation is to do your best to ensure that your kid won’t get pounded on the playground. Or, at the very least, that she won’t be unintentionally showered with saliva by people who are trying in earnest to pronounce Hariklia. Your child is going to be saddled with whatever name you bestow upon her for her entire life. Or at least until she turns 18 and changes it to Hortense just to tick you off.
I respect your desire to honor your parents and preserve your heritage. I wish there had been a bit more of that in my family. My only connection to my German heritage is a love of bratwurst and a preference for saying "Gesundheit" over "God bless you." But I don’t wish my parents had named me Brunhild, which is German for "armored warrior woman." Or even that they’d named me Shirley, which was the name of my grandmother, whom I loved more than almost anyone else in the entire world. Not even to honor her would I want that name to be my own. (Sorry to any of you Shirleys out there.)
Now this is all very easy for me to say, I realize, because Hariklia isn’t my mother and I don’t have any children. And I don’t know what kind of inheritance we’re talking about. For the sake of family harmony and your chance to own a lamb spit, could you satisfy your mother by using Hariklia as your daughter’s middle name? Remind her that she's been called Harriet for the last 40 years because no one could pronounce Hariklia. The name "Harriet" doesn’t do much to trumpet anyone’s Greekness, does it?
I think you need to stand firm on this, NCNC. Or pray for a boy.
Good luck!
HTT
I'm pregnant with my second child, and if it's a girl, my mother wants my husband and I to name the baby after her. The back-story is that my parents are from Greece and very traditional, and of course expect us to follow their long-lived Greek naming traditions. Now I'm all for preserving my heritage, which my parents consider to be under siege, and there are a number of Greek names that I love. But not my mother's.
Her name is Hariklia. The English pronunciation sounds like a cross between Hercules and Caligula. The Greek pronunciation is no better -- it sounds like you're trying to dislodge a Kalamata olive pit from your throat. Here's a testimony to its unpronouncability --- my mother came to live in North Carolina in 1968 and ever since she's been called Harriet. I know old lady names are in vogue these days, but I'll believe a Harriet comeback after I see Hortense top the charts first.
My parents have also alluded to cutting off our inheritance if we don't take their names. They once said to my brother, who had two girls and for better or worse chose to ignore their plea: "Ah, you do not like our names for your children, then maybe we do not like your names in our will." Given that I'm a lowly non-profit liege and my husband a seemingly interminable grad student, we don't want that to happen -- assuming we get more than a trunk of doilies, a statue of Aphrodite, and a rusty automatic lamb spit, that is.
Other than praying to the gods for a boy (thankfully my father's name is Nickolas), what do I do?
Nominally Challenged in North Carolina
Dear NC in NC,
I feel strongly that as parents, your first obligation is to do your best to ensure that your kid won’t get pounded on the playground. Or, at the very least, that she won’t be unintentionally showered with saliva by people who are trying in earnest to pronounce Hariklia. Your child is going to be saddled with whatever name you bestow upon her for her entire life. Or at least until she turns 18 and changes it to Hortense just to tick you off.
I respect your desire to honor your parents and preserve your heritage. I wish there had been a bit more of that in my family. My only connection to my German heritage is a love of bratwurst and a preference for saying "Gesundheit" over "God bless you." But I don’t wish my parents had named me Brunhild, which is German for "armored warrior woman." Or even that they’d named me Shirley, which was the name of my grandmother, whom I loved more than almost anyone else in the entire world. Not even to honor her would I want that name to be my own. (Sorry to any of you Shirleys out there.)
Now this is all very easy for me to say, I realize, because Hariklia isn’t my mother and I don’t have any children. And I don’t know what kind of inheritance we’re talking about. For the sake of family harmony and your chance to own a lamb spit, could you satisfy your mother by using Hariklia as your daughter’s middle name? Remind her that she's been called Harriet for the last 40 years because no one could pronounce Hariklia. The name "Harriet" doesn’t do much to trumpet anyone’s Greekness, does it?
I think you need to stand firm on this, NCNC. Or pray for a boy.
Good luck!
HTT
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
HTT, you're driving me crazy!
Dear HTT,
Ever since I found out you named your column "Here’s the thing…" I’ve noticed that I use that phrase all the time! I can’t figure out whether I’ve always said it and just never paid attention, or if I’ve just picked it up. In either case, it's starting to make me a little crazy. I’m a teacher, so I do a fair amount of public speaking, and I’m getting self-conscious about how often I start an explanation with "well, here’s the thing." How can I either stop using the phrase or stop obsessing over it?
HTT squared
Dear HTT squared,
I should recuse myself from answering this question, because I’m not an impartial observer. But you wrote to me, so I’ll try to tackle it.
Before I address your mental health, though, I do want to say this: does your quandary not prove the genius of the phrase as a title for my column? (I didn’t come up with it, so I’m not being completely immodest.) It’s working on a subliminal level, whether you’re using the phrase more than ever or merely noticing something you’ve said all along.
And you want my advice on how to stop saying it? Oy, what a conflict of interest! Does McDonald's want you to forget "two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun"? I think not. I mean, I’m pretty certain Mickey D's hasn’t used that campaign in years, and the phrase still rolls off my tongue as easily as my social security number.
I’m sorry you feel self-conscious about how often you say "here’s the thing." Don’t you think the first few people to say "iPod" felt a little silly? It’s goofy-sounding when you get right down to it. But now it’s used so frequently, that it’s practically generic, like Band-Aid. (I hope no one from Apple is reading this.) Point being, maybe someday it will be cool to say "here’s the thing"! People will give a knowing wink when they say it; there’ll be T-shirts and bumper stickers; I’ll have television ads with a hip music soundtrack.
O.k., maybe not. In fact, I suspect I have a readership of three or four, so it’s unlikely that anyone you lecture to is going to give a knowing wink when you say "here’s the thing." You’re probably the only one who notices that you say it frequently. If you can remember that, will you feel less awkward about it? I hope so, because while I’d like the phrase to be memorable, I don’t want it to drive you to the brink.
Best wishes,
HTT
Ever since I found out you named your column "Here’s the thing…" I’ve noticed that I use that phrase all the time! I can’t figure out whether I’ve always said it and just never paid attention, or if I’ve just picked it up. In either case, it's starting to make me a little crazy. I’m a teacher, so I do a fair amount of public speaking, and I’m getting self-conscious about how often I start an explanation with "well, here’s the thing." How can I either stop using the phrase or stop obsessing over it?
HTT squared
Dear HTT squared,
I should recuse myself from answering this question, because I’m not an impartial observer. But you wrote to me, so I’ll try to tackle it.
Before I address your mental health, though, I do want to say this: does your quandary not prove the genius of the phrase as a title for my column? (I didn’t come up with it, so I’m not being completely immodest.) It’s working on a subliminal level, whether you’re using the phrase more than ever or merely noticing something you’ve said all along.
And you want my advice on how to stop saying it? Oy, what a conflict of interest! Does McDonald's want you to forget "two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun"? I think not. I mean, I’m pretty certain Mickey D's hasn’t used that campaign in years, and the phrase still rolls off my tongue as easily as my social security number.
I’m sorry you feel self-conscious about how often you say "here’s the thing." Don’t you think the first few people to say "iPod" felt a little silly? It’s goofy-sounding when you get right down to it. But now it’s used so frequently, that it’s practically generic, like Band-Aid. (I hope no one from Apple is reading this.) Point being, maybe someday it will be cool to say "here’s the thing"! People will give a knowing wink when they say it; there’ll be T-shirts and bumper stickers; I’ll have television ads with a hip music soundtrack.
O.k., maybe not. In fact, I suspect I have a readership of three or four, so it’s unlikely that anyone you lecture to is going to give a knowing wink when you say "here’s the thing." You’re probably the only one who notices that you say it frequently. If you can remember that, will you feel less awkward about it? I hope so, because while I’d like the phrase to be memorable, I don’t want it to drive you to the brink.
Best wishes,
HTT
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
HTT, my friend is scaring off my dates!
Dear HTT,
I have a friend (who’s newly married) who seems to get in the way of my dating prospects. For example, a co-worker of hers twice told her that he thought I was cute and she told him (and told me later) that I was too old for him.
More recently, I went out with a group of friends including a guy friend of hers that had previously expressed interest in me. He and I had a great time--dancing and laughing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. A few days later, my friend calls me and tells me that she went to visit this guy at work and they talked about the weekend. She relayed the information that this guy likes me but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I never got the impression that these two were close friends, so I'm surprised at the level of detail she went into. She went on to further discourage me by saying he has many other women interested in him and that I "shouldn't chase men."
I am so angry that she had this conversation with him (not to mention the hurtful comments she made to me). So my question is, do I confront her about getting in the middle? Or do nothing and just beware, since she obviously has personal issues that I can't control? I'm afraid that if there is any possibility that this guy and I might date--now or in the future--she will kill it. (Granted, if this guy decided to communicate through her rather than with me directly, that would be another issue. But that remains to be seen.)
Also, there is a chance I'm going to run into this guy this weekend (without her around). Is there a subtle way I can let him know that I don't want to communicate with him through our mutual friend, but would like to stay in touch?
*******************
Your letter got me riled up. Where does this woman get off telling someone you’re too old? And, what in the world---you shouldn’t “chase men”? What is this, Desperate Housewives? “Man chaser” is to “someone who dates” as “unpatriotic” is to “someone who disagrees with the war.”
Working up a good head of steam wasn’t helping me get any clarity on your problem, though, so I made all kinds of flow charts and decision trees in an attempt to sort this out. They were messy and ultimately not very useful. But amid the chicken scratch, one question kept popping up: How good a friend is this?
I was tempted to answer the question myself with a snippy “not very.” But it’s naive to pretend that even good friends can’t be clueless or hurtful once in a while. And if this woman isn’t a best buddy, she might still be someone with whom you’d like to remain friends on some level.
If so, I think you should confront her. Well “confront” may be too confrontational. Ha. Talk to her. I think the whole guy/dating aspect carries too much charge, so rather than accusing her of manipulating your love life, consider emphasizing how her comments have hurt your feelings. This brings the conversation out of the “man chasing” realm, which she obviously has some sort of issue with, and makes it more personal. Can you do that? Make it less about the guys and more about the friendship?
On the other hand, if you’re so fed up with her that future friendship is out of the cards, if you suspect she’s more malicious than clueless, I’d just let it drop. And try to keep your dating life as separate from her as possible. (Probably not a bad thing to do in either scenario.)
Along those lines, if you run into the guy this weekend, do you really have to be all that subtle about your interest? Now, mind you, I’m not often one to go out on a limb in this kind of situation, unfortunately. But in your case, the risk seems low. You’ve already got pretty strong evidence that he likes you, even if it’s not in a long-term-relationship kind of way at this point. Can you say, “Hey, I’d like to keep in touch. Here’s my email/phone number so you don’t have to go though our mutual friend anymore”?
Let me know how it turns out.
HTT
I have a friend (who’s newly married) who seems to get in the way of my dating prospects. For example, a co-worker of hers twice told her that he thought I was cute and she told him (and told me later) that I was too old for him.
More recently, I went out with a group of friends including a guy friend of hers that had previously expressed interest in me. He and I had a great time--dancing and laughing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. A few days later, my friend calls me and tells me that she went to visit this guy at work and they talked about the weekend. She relayed the information that this guy likes me but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I never got the impression that these two were close friends, so I'm surprised at the level of detail she went into. She went on to further discourage me by saying he has many other women interested in him and that I "shouldn't chase men."
I am so angry that she had this conversation with him (not to mention the hurtful comments she made to me). So my question is, do I confront her about getting in the middle? Or do nothing and just beware, since she obviously has personal issues that I can't control? I'm afraid that if there is any possibility that this guy and I might date--now or in the future--she will kill it. (Granted, if this guy decided to communicate through her rather than with me directly, that would be another issue. But that remains to be seen.)
Also, there is a chance I'm going to run into this guy this weekend (without her around). Is there a subtle way I can let him know that I don't want to communicate with him through our mutual friend, but would like to stay in touch?
*******************
Your letter got me riled up. Where does this woman get off telling someone you’re too old? And, what in the world---you shouldn’t “chase men”? What is this, Desperate Housewives? “Man chaser” is to “someone who dates” as “unpatriotic” is to “someone who disagrees with the war.”
Working up a good head of steam wasn’t helping me get any clarity on your problem, though, so I made all kinds of flow charts and decision trees in an attempt to sort this out. They were messy and ultimately not very useful. But amid the chicken scratch, one question kept popping up: How good a friend is this?
I was tempted to answer the question myself with a snippy “not very.” But it’s naive to pretend that even good friends can’t be clueless or hurtful once in a while. And if this woman isn’t a best buddy, she might still be someone with whom you’d like to remain friends on some level.
If so, I think you should confront her. Well “confront” may be too confrontational. Ha. Talk to her. I think the whole guy/dating aspect carries too much charge, so rather than accusing her of manipulating your love life, consider emphasizing how her comments have hurt your feelings. This brings the conversation out of the “man chasing” realm, which she obviously has some sort of issue with, and makes it more personal. Can you do that? Make it less about the guys and more about the friendship?
On the other hand, if you’re so fed up with her that future friendship is out of the cards, if you suspect she’s more malicious than clueless, I’d just let it drop. And try to keep your dating life as separate from her as possible. (Probably not a bad thing to do in either scenario.)
Along those lines, if you run into the guy this weekend, do you really have to be all that subtle about your interest? Now, mind you, I’m not often one to go out on a limb in this kind of situation, unfortunately. But in your case, the risk seems low. You’ve already got pretty strong evidence that he likes you, even if it’s not in a long-term-relationship kind of way at this point. Can you say, “Hey, I’d like to keep in touch. Here’s my email/phone number so you don’t have to go though our mutual friend anymore”?
Let me know how it turns out.
HTT
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Pictures
Blogs without pictures are a little dull, aren't they? I'm not quite sure what to do about that on posts when I'm answering someone's question. Let's just say a guy writes to find out whether there's anything wrong with his secret cross-dressing experiences. He might not appreciate my attempt at humor if I were to post a picture of Tootsie, for instance. (Not that I've had any such letter. Yet. I'm just biding my time. When I volunteered on the crisis hotline, I got tons of calls from cross dressers. These callers didn't actually tend to be in crisis; many just wanted to brag about passing their boss in Crabtree Valley Mall and not being recognized.)
At any rate, to liven up the visuals, I'll tell a little about myself, with photos.
Which might be a challenge because usually, I'm a lousy photographer:
Although I get a lucky break once in a while:
Let's see....well, my distaste for birds borders on phobic. They're o.k. if they don't get in my personal space. I don't mind looking at them through binoculars, for example. But god help the guy sitting next to me on the beach when he starts tossing bread crusts to the seagulls. Even still, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for these chickens:
I very much like cats of all sorts. I grew up a cat person. I actually disdained dogs. But that all changed when I got Samson. Once, I told a friend that he was the cutest dog in the whole world. And I meant it! It is a testament to our friendship that I was not offended when she stated, "You know, Suz, he's really not."
I live in an old house, with which I have a love/hate relationship. To be fair, love usually triumphs over panic attacks or bitterness about spending my vacation savings on sexy fix-ups like foundation repair. Reading my newspaper on the front porch on a mild day makes up for a lot.
I do wish I were a little more handy. In the next picture, if you look closely, you will see two screws protruding from the back of my bathroom door. I decided to install a few hooks--you know, for towels and robes--and I failed to note that the screws were much longer than the door was thick. Look again, and you will see that I "solved" the problem by simply draping a wall hanging on the door to cover up the screws. If you're over six feet tall, you might take care never to lean against my bathroom door unless you're trying to relieve building pressure in your skull for some reason.
At any rate, to liven up the visuals, I'll tell a little about myself, with photos.
Which might be a challenge because usually, I'm a lousy photographer:
Although I get a lucky break once in a while:
Let's see....well, my distaste for birds borders on phobic. They're o.k. if they don't get in my personal space. I don't mind looking at them through binoculars, for example. But god help the guy sitting next to me on the beach when he starts tossing bread crusts to the seagulls. Even still, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for these chickens:
I very much like cats of all sorts. I grew up a cat person. I actually disdained dogs. But that all changed when I got Samson. Once, I told a friend that he was the cutest dog in the whole world. And I meant it! It is a testament to our friendship that I was not offended when she stated, "You know, Suz, he's really not."
I live in an old house, with which I have a love/hate relationship. To be fair, love usually triumphs over panic attacks or bitterness about spending my vacation savings on sexy fix-ups like foundation repair. Reading my newspaper on the front porch on a mild day makes up for a lot.
I do wish I were a little more handy. In the next picture, if you look closely, you will see two screws protruding from the back of my bathroom door. I decided to install a few hooks--you know, for towels and robes--and I failed to note that the screws were much longer than the door was thick. Look again, and you will see that I "solved" the problem by simply draping a wall hanging on the door to cover up the screws. If you're over six feet tall, you might take care never to lean against my bathroom door unless you're trying to relieve building pressure in your skull for some reason.
Monday, February 19, 2007
I'm in no mood to celebrate
Dear HTT,
I recently (well, a year ago) went through the breakup of a very long-term relationship. I have had wonderful support of friends, and am getting on with most aspects of life pretty well. I've gotten used to going to sleep and waking up alone. I've started enjoying the fact that any mess in my house is mine alone. The cooking for one -- not so fun yet. But, what I'm saying is that all-in-all, I'm making progress and adjusting to this new life.
My difficulty lies in seeing other couples doing their "we're happy couples having a happy life" things: weddings, bridal showers, engagement parties, baby showers, children's parties, etc. I find every excuse in the book to stay home from these happy events. I don't even deliver gifts late with my apologies. I guess I kind of pretend they never happened. I don't even RSVP, come to think of it -- that's the denial I'm in!
So, a few questions come to mind. Am I being a self-centered terrible friend? I know I should at least RSVP, but is it horrible of me to just not want to go? How long will I feel like I can't handle "in my face" happiness? Any suggestions for helping to get over this hurdle?
Please help,
Single and (Almost) Loving It
Dear (Almost) Loving It,
Not to be flippant, but there’s a good reason the saying goes “misery loves company” and not “misery loves hanging around with happy people.” As socially unacceptable as it might be to admit, who among us hasn’t pasted on a smile upon hearing someone’s good news while we, ourselves, are suffering about something? This isn’t a character flaw, it’s human nature. Legitimate happiness for our friends and melancholy over our own situation aren’t mutually exclusive, just hard to express in a way that doesn’t make us feel like a killjoy.
So, no, wanting to steer clear of celebratory events doesn’t make you a horrible person. I’m not sure how long it'll take before the arrival of thick ivory envelopes with calligraphy and LOVE stamps will fail to make you a little sad. It’ll take as long as it takes, and you should try not to chastise yourself.
You might also try prioritizing and attend the events that you’d later regret missing, even if going takes something out of you now. Your best friend is having a baby? Go to the shower and pretend to be happy about it if need be. Your second cousin twice removed announced his engagement? Maybe you can skip that one.
That being said, I do want to discuss the RSVP issue. Do you think your failure to RSVP results from turmoil about whether you “should” attend the event? Or from your guilt over simply deciding not to go? Do you think if you forgave yourself for wanting to stay home that it would be easy enough to reply with regrets? What if you actually had other plans on the day of the event and had a “legitimate” reason for not attending…would you RSVP promptly? If so, try to accept that your reasons are legitimate, and let the party planner know that you won’t be there.
Finally, be kind to yourself and be proud of the progress you’ve made this year.
Best wishes,
HTT
I recently (well, a year ago) went through the breakup of a very long-term relationship. I have had wonderful support of friends, and am getting on with most aspects of life pretty well. I've gotten used to going to sleep and waking up alone. I've started enjoying the fact that any mess in my house is mine alone. The cooking for one -- not so fun yet. But, what I'm saying is that all-in-all, I'm making progress and adjusting to this new life.
My difficulty lies in seeing other couples doing their "we're happy couples having a happy life" things: weddings, bridal showers, engagement parties, baby showers, children's parties, etc. I find every excuse in the book to stay home from these happy events. I don't even deliver gifts late with my apologies. I guess I kind of pretend they never happened. I don't even RSVP, come to think of it -- that's the denial I'm in!
So, a few questions come to mind. Am I being a self-centered terrible friend? I know I should at least RSVP, but is it horrible of me to just not want to go? How long will I feel like I can't handle "in my face" happiness? Any suggestions for helping to get over this hurdle?
Please help,
Single and (Almost) Loving It
Dear (Almost) Loving It,
Not to be flippant, but there’s a good reason the saying goes “misery loves company” and not “misery loves hanging around with happy people.” As socially unacceptable as it might be to admit, who among us hasn’t pasted on a smile upon hearing someone’s good news while we, ourselves, are suffering about something? This isn’t a character flaw, it’s human nature. Legitimate happiness for our friends and melancholy over our own situation aren’t mutually exclusive, just hard to express in a way that doesn’t make us feel like a killjoy.
So, no, wanting to steer clear of celebratory events doesn’t make you a horrible person. I’m not sure how long it'll take before the arrival of thick ivory envelopes with calligraphy and LOVE stamps will fail to make you a little sad. It’ll take as long as it takes, and you should try not to chastise yourself.
You might also try prioritizing and attend the events that you’d later regret missing, even if going takes something out of you now. Your best friend is having a baby? Go to the shower and pretend to be happy about it if need be. Your second cousin twice removed announced his engagement? Maybe you can skip that one.
That being said, I do want to discuss the RSVP issue. Do you think your failure to RSVP results from turmoil about whether you “should” attend the event? Or from your guilt over simply deciding not to go? Do you think if you forgave yourself for wanting to stay home that it would be easy enough to reply with regrets? What if you actually had other plans on the day of the event and had a “legitimate” reason for not attending…would you RSVP promptly? If so, try to accept that your reasons are legitimate, and let the party planner know that you won’t be there.
Finally, be kind to yourself and be proud of the progress you’ve made this year.
Best wishes,
HTT
Peanut butter update
O.K., seriously, I need to find readers who need advice. Otherwise this peanut butter thread could go on and on.
I returned all three jars of salmonella peanut butter to Kroger, including the jar that was almost empty. That's right, I have no shame. Then I moped my way over to the condiment aisle, dejected over the near certainty that I would now have to buy peanut butter that actually tasted like peanuts. Imagine my joy over the discovery that Jiff makes a variety called "Peanut Butter and Honey." Life *is* good.
I returned all three jars of salmonella peanut butter to Kroger, including the jar that was almost empty. That's right, I have no shame. Then I moped my way over to the condiment aisle, dejected over the near certainty that I would now have to buy peanut butter that actually tasted like peanuts. Imagine my joy over the discovery that Jiff makes a variety called "Peanut Butter and Honey." Life *is* good.
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